NF's who love their Family

Griffinheart

Griffinheart

Community Member
MBTI
INFP
Enneagram
6w5
I've always had a rough time connecting with my family and especially my mother. After looking back on the experiences we had together, the good, the bad, I've come to realise that they're the only people I can truly rely on in the world. My ISTJ mum is cold and very sour most days and I have every reason to despise her for what she's done, but she's stuck with me the whole way and that I can be grateful for. Her partner is also very supportive, although being ESTJ and having bi-polar, it's quite difficult to have that connection with him too.

Connection or not, it doesn't matter. After reaching this point at the tender age of 22, I've come to value my family more than ever. I've struggled with them, resented them, wanted nothing to do with them. Yet through it all, they've supported me the whole way.

I've come to realise more that family is the only thing you can rely on and nothing could possibly trump that. True family, won't backstab you, talk behind your back, expect something in return or truly hate you for what you've done. What's out there is different. People won't hesitate to chew you up and spit you out once you turn your back on them. That's why family is so important to me.

Yet this isn't a lesson your dad would just tell you and it clicks. This perspective comes with experience. No theories, no ideas, no bullshit. Reality.

So, enough about me, what about you guys? How's your relationship/perspective on your family?
 
Aquila Aeternus said:
True family, won't backstab you, talk behind your back, expect something in return or truly hate you for what you've done. What's out there is different. People won't hesitate to chew you up and spit you out once you turn your back on them. That's why family is so important to me.

So, enough about me, what about you guys? How's your relationship/perspective on your family?
Click to expand...

I agree about what's out there, but don't believe family is exempt from that. Blood means NOTHING. Your true family is one you make and choose. Even then, they are still subject to change.

Take my grandma for example. She used to be fairly nice if a bit bitter, then got a brain bleed and the already embittered woman turned into mean manipulative psycho with a grudge to settle against everyone in sight. The same can happen with sugar disease and a bunch of other body chemical or brain influencing effects.

My sisters are both types that are highly extravert and convinced of their world views. I being me am able to barely avoid the minefields in speaking with them, but how can I maintain an actually deep bond with someone who feels the need to enforce their views, which I don't always agree with on someone? They don't inquire after how I am doing in person, it's always through my brother or father, they never call unlike I. So honestly, I gave up on them and I take whatever contact we have with a grain of salt, superficial like them and politely, just being happy that they at least seem to be doing well for themselves in their own little worlds.

My brother and I get along swimmingly. Sure we disagree on something's, but we don't actually are the types of people who feel the need to enforce our opinions on another and simply share our opinion, not caring if someone has a different one. My dad and I get along well, tough he and my mum are divorced. My mum however is also rather manipulative and tries to play the sad pitiful person card when I know she's one of the toughest negotiators I know who ALWAYS manages to get what she wants, so I keep an emotional distance from her not to be dragged along by her antics.

My stepmom is nice on the whole, but a bit bossy and lays into me from time to time when she's having a bad day, usually on subjects that are stressing me out like my recent decline in freelance work, which is a worldwide issue, and she seems to have this impression it's just my issue because she doesn't really get anything digital. That's okay tough, because I know it comes from a good place, and my dad tends to give me a pad on the shoulder and just say something like: "Women... Don't worry tough, I get it... Got a cold beer?"

My dad, brother (and his kids) and stepmom to me are my family. Everyone else... they're emotionally just acquaintances because I'm just in for disappointment and grief if I view them differently. We don't fight, it's just that there isn't any real interest or connection between them, I and the rest of the family. They're social status types and casuals like I are only interesting to converse with if we talk ourselves and our lifestyles up.

For example, my choice of words would be much more to their liking if my home, which is slowly becoming a homestead would be referred to as my cottage in the countryside. I think you get it from there...

So yeah, Family to me is not defined by blood, but by your genuine connection to someone through thick and thin, for better and worse.
 
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Aquila Aeternus said:
I've come to realise more that family is the only thing you can rely on and nothing could possibly trump that. True family, won't backstab you, talk behind your back, expect something in return or truly hate you for what you've done. What's out there is different. People won't hesitate to chew you up and spit you out once you turn your back on them. That's why family is so important to me.
Click to expand...

I want this to be true, but in my experience it isn't true at all.

I love my family. I barely have a relationship with them and it isn't because I don't try. At nearly 50 I've realized I need to solidify family through the mind and heart, not blood. If your friends talk shit and backstab (and I know people do that), you have the wrong friends.
 
Artisan said:
I agree about what's out there, but don't believe family is exempt from that. Blood means NOTHING. Your true family is one you make and choose. Even then, they are still subject to change.

Take my grandma for example. She used to be fairly nice if a bit bitter, then got a brain bleed and the already embittered woman turned into mean manipulative psycho with a grudge to settle against everyone in sight. The same can happen with sugar disease and a bunch of other body chemical or brain influencing effects.

My sisters are both types that are highly extravert and convinced of their world views. I being me am able to barely avoid the minefields in speaking with them, but how can I maintain an actually deep bond with someone who feels the need to enforce their views, which I don't always agree with on someone? They don't inquire after how I am doing in person, it's always through my brother or father, they never call unlike I. So honestly, I gave up on them and I take whatever contact we have with a grain of salt, superficial like them and politely, just being happy that they at least seem to be doing well for themselves in their own little worlds.

My brother and I get along swimmingly. Sure we disagree on something's, but we don't actually are the types of people who feel the need to enforce our opinions on another and simply share our opinion, not caring if someone has a different one. My dad and I get along well, tough he and my mum are divorced. My mum however is also rather manipulative and tries to play the sad pitiful person card when I know she's one of the toughest negotiators I know who ALWAYS manages to get what she wants, so I keep an emotional distance from her not to be dragged along by her antics.

My stepmom is nice on the whole, but a bit bossy and lays into me from time to time when she's having a bad day, usually on subjects that are stressing me out like my recent decline in freelance work, which is a worldwide issue, and she seems to have this impression it's just my issue because she doesn't really get anything digital. That's okay tough, because I know it comes from a good place, and my dad tends to give me a pad on the shoulder and just say something like: "Women... Don't worry tough, I get it... Got a cold beer?"

My dad, brother (and his kids) and stepmom to me are my family. Everyone else... they're emotionally just acquaintances because I'm just in for disappointment and grief if I view them differently. We don't fight, it's just that there isn't any real interest or connection between them, I and the rest of the family. They're social status types and casuals like I are only interesting to converse with if we talk ourselves and our lifestyles up.

For example, my choice of words would be much more to their liking if my home, which is slowly becoming a homestead would be referred to as my cottage in the countryside. I think you get it from there...

So yeah, Family to me is not defined by blood, but by your genuine connection to someone through thick and thin, for better and worse.
Click to expand...
I definitely agree with your sentiment on kinship by relationship. I'll even say that those who don't respect the two spheres aren't actually your family. I'm sorry for what you went through and I think it's safe to say that your grandmother isn't worth sharing kinship with.

What I'm saying doesn't just apply to me, but also my parents, my siblings, my ancestors, etc. If they don't accept the structure of the family by loving and supporting each other, regardless of our temperaments, then it's safe to say they're not worth connecting with. I suppose I'm lucky enough to have grown up in a family whom despite my emotional inclinations, still loves me regardless. THAT is good enough.

Asa said:
I want this to be true, but in my experience it isn't true at all.

I love my family. I barely have a relationship with them and it isn't because I don't try. At nearly 50 I've realized I need to solidify family through the mind and heart, not blood.
Click to expand...
Suppose it's hard to have a connection when nearly everyone's suffering mentally in one way or another. Plus, the lack of cultural importance on the Nuclear Family can harm their relationships.

Asa said:
If your friends talk shit and backstab (and I know people do that), you have the wrong friends.
Click to expand...
Which is why I have very little friends :tearsofjoy:
 
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