Older INTP Dumped By Younger INFJ Girlfriend

[INTP02138]

Well, I tried, but she keeping the wall up between us. I did send roses, apologizing. But my neglect has caused her too much pain. It kinda upset me because there are couples that go through things much worse than us--they may break up but they get back together. The problems we have are fixable-- like I said before there are things I know she would like that I could do better. So this freeze out I'm getting seems pretty harsh--though I probably deserve it from her perspective. I mean she she said she shares some of the blame, but she said for now she doesn't see us together.

It's very depressing for me, because I feel like I'm not getting a fair chance.. There have been plenty of times she ticked me off and then comeback apologizing the next day and I never questioned it or held it over her head-- I just accepted her apology and put the issue out my mind. But as for me, she wants to put up the wall--granted it's to protect her from pain and anger; but we should have been able to overcome this.

 

[yepunsarang]

Tell her this---tell her that your love for her, your need for her is greater than this difficulty. That this is just a test, that has shown what must be done to CHANGE THINGS, to FIX THINGS once and for all. I suggest you go to her house physically and show her your feelings. Words are not enough in this case, show her through your touch, her eyes, show your emotions. I would have brought the roses to her physically. Prove to her that you can give her what she needs right now, by listening, and showing physical signs of affection. If she seems physically distant (as I presume she would be), ask her if you could hold her because you've missed feeling her in your arms, and protecting her.

Your T is not going to help you here. You need to woo her back with your feelings and emotions.

 

[INTP02138]

Hmmm interesting. It's worth a try. This weekend would be a challenge considering there's a hurricane--but then again it may she that I'm for real, to travel through a storm to see her.

 

[yepunsarang]

Omg, and THAT is so romantic. Any chance you can get stuck in the hurricane with her? That would also be soo romantic and a great excuse. Take advantage of this, and tell us about it! ^^

 

[willow]

So after a year and a half, I (and INTP) just got dumped by my INFJ girlfriend. This was her first relationship; while I've been through several. However it's difficult because I really thought we would be in it for the long run. Unfortunately, we were in a long distance relationship--but only 4 hours away. When we first meet, there was some awkwardness do to me being nearly 15 yrs older, and due to her never having a boyfriend before. We got along great, laughed, went out, and enjoyed each other's company. The problem comes when we are apart. I'm in school and work a fulltime job, while she works full-time. So she gets anxious about our relationship if we don't speak for a couple of days. Then she gets anxious about her future regarding her going back to grad school and about her career--which she keeps changing her mind about. Through it all I've always told her that she's going to be ok, and that there is nothing wrong with her changing her mind and not being sure what she wants to do with her life. However, I get told that I'm not being emotionally supportive and that she can't come to me to talk about her problem because I keep going on these tangents (which is true--I have ADHD and tend to lose focus and go on tangents). She doesn't like it when I say " You'll be alright" and she feels I'm not emotionally available.

I feel that I am being supportive by trying to make her feel normal and by accepting her as she is. She'll complain about something, and I'll try to be objective about what concerns her. However, she interprets that as not being emotionally supportive. I tend to go with the flow with her moods, but it seems like if I don't respond in a certain fashion that she deems as "supportive" then she flys off the handle, then she'll apologize, then I say "it's ok" and after a period of peace, we go through the same thing --which I'm fine with because I like as she is.

So she decided to break it off with me, saying we need to have time apart for a few months (she just starting seeing a therapist for her anxiety attacks, so I'm thinking this is really the therapist telling her to break up with me). All the efforts I put forth to try to help her she belittles by saying "I could have done that for myself, I just needed someone to talk to....and I can't come to you with my problems" and etc.

I guess I'm just going through shocked that she could just end the relationship just like that, even though she constantly tells me she loves and I say the same thing back; but now she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I would love to have her back so we can work through this-- I know there are things I could do better. But she not giving me a chance. It's like she don't trust what I'm saying and I don't half the time understand what she is saying; she's too darn emotional and anxious about everything; and I come across as being too analytical and unsupportive---but I do have strong caring emotions for her--they just not coming across as being supportive.

So ok INFJs do I cut my losses, move on and forget out her coming back; or do I wait for a while to see what happens?

Sincerely,
INTP missing his INFJ

She's just too darn emotional and you have ADHD. It sounds like you've made a really good case for not listening to her complaints that you aren't supportive. Since the problem is hers I suggest you let her go on her way to solve them.

 

[Rogue]

Tell her this---tell her that your love for her, your need for her is greater than this difficulty. That this is just a test, that has shown what must be done to CHANGE THINGS, to FIX THINGS once and for all. I suggest you go to her house physically and show her your feelings. Words are not enough in this case, show her through your touch, her eyes, show your emotions. I would have brought the roses to her physically. Prove to her that you can give her what she needs right now, by listening, and showing physical signs of affection. If she seems physically distant (as I presume she would be), ask her if you could hold her because you've missed feeling her in your arms, and protecting her.

Your T is not going to help you here. You need to woo her back with your feelings and emotions.

This would probably do it for me I know the INTP feels like they are throwing up all over someone but ...when an INFJ needs affection they need lots of it. For me anyways...especially if I am hurting over something. Then when that time is over I relax and then I dont need very much at all. Most of what you have said I can relate to... I think INTPs think they are giving much more support than what an INFJ can actually see. It would do an INFJ well to learn that and to not demand so much. I learned...that I had to learn him too, and that goes for any type.

I only hope that both of you are mature enough, and love each other enough to listen to each other and also confess how you are both willing to work at it (even through pains) to try and make it easy for both of you. Maybe if you want her back, you should do something gushy or lovey-dovey hehe I dunno, something sentimental. INFJs love gushy, but genuine, deep, heartfelt things. Think you can invest your energy into delving into your emotions (knowing how hard that is for INTPs) to try and express how much you LOVE HER in a little package? And also explain to her that you see that both of your needs are not being met (or ways of support are different). But that you recognize it now and that you think if you worked it out together, all will be well?

I have faith INTP-INFJ relationships can be great ones. But like all relationships, you need to work at it. Especially since INFJs are very emotional creatures and need that emotive comfort to feel whole, loved, and supported. It is a NEED. Most INFJ-INTP breakups result from this in ability to see this key point. But once you're willing to work on yourselves, I believe you can have a great relationship.

I think a key will be maturity. I dont know both sides to the story(and there is always two sides), but if you guys are not in the same place it is going to cause some big problems. Her feeling empty...that can be fixed unless there are other factors. If I was with someone.....two days would feel like years...if I were in a long time, committed relationship...well...I would still like to be connected to the man I loved. This would be where all of the gushy stuff comes in handy. Long distant relationships can be very draining and hard to keep strong, but you could do it if you both were on the same page. If she does talk to you again i would go through some relationship books with her...like marriage...lots of infjs dream of marriage I think This might help her ..and you ...learn some much needed relationship facts. Since she hasnt had a relationship to speak of then this would really help her and she would feel like you were wanting to "get deep" with her. INTPs tend to "get deep" in their head, but I LOVE to "get deep" together. That is my mind candy....mostly about relationship stuff. INTPs might have a hard time maintaining that deep emotional stuff for very long and that is food to the INFJ. INFJs can learn to not depend on that to fill all of their "emotional" needs...and this would be wise. There are many ways to connect, and learning new ways can be fun.... sadly if you starve an INFJ for very long they may go cold. With maturity one can learn to just wait and "find the love inside themselves" and that will help them to not be so dependent. She just maybe at a different level...and Norton is right about getting divorced before marriage.

Norton has great advice and experience ...listen to him.