[INFJ] On being emotionally guarded

[barbad0s]

At the same time, very little bothers me more than when I know something is weighing heavily on someone I care about, or that they are upset with me, and don't want to talk about it. I feel it really impedes the relationship when this happens. Now I'm not talking about being completely open at all times, that would just be too much for me, and suffocating. People need time, and I get that, but I think a certain amount of openness in any good relationship is expected, a certain honesty with our emotions. I can't count the number of times I thought about friends or family that if they would just let their guard down a little, things could be deeper between us and our bond could be stronger than it is.

So now here I am, asking all of you to let your guard down. How do feel about this? Do you find people you try to connect with are too cold or guarded? How do you deal with this? Or, do you find that you are the one that is doing most of the guarding?

While most people would view me as an emotional, open, and for the most part trusting person, and I do like it when I am treated warmly, the things you said that I have bolded irk me.

Why?

Because I wish that instead of thinking about such an abstract and long term goal which is "your bond becoming stronger", and your own "expectations" for people to display their feelings to you, I wish you would just focus on the person's actual problems and on wanting to help them, and not wish for irrelevant things that you might never get even if the person opened up to you. I absolutely resent it when someone coerces me into sharing more of myself, and to me prematurely and artificially wanting someone to offer more of themselves to you seems selfish, clingy, and entirely unnecessary.

I know the world would be great if everyone was able to be totally open and free with their feelings. But people don't work that way. I don't know about you - maybe you just exude an aura that makes people not feel like telling you things. I exude the opposite aura. Nearly every day I get people having conversations with me for hours and hours and near-strangers telling me things about themselves that they say they've never told anyone before. And it feels great in the moment, but guess what, human bonds are more complex than that and a lot more is needed than just two bleeding hearts. If you want to love someone, you love someone first, and you think about the relationship second. If you want to do things the other way around, then buy a dog.

 

[Solongo]

When I was growing up my family was very emotionally expressive. I think this is more common in the French culture. We just let it all out and deal with the consequences after, and we expect people to do that so it's just a normal part of relationships. It can be alittle dramatic at times but it means less repressed feelings. I think that was a healthy way of growing up. I realized that my parents gave me a great gift in the way they raised me because It gave me a core of acceptance of myself and intrinsic self-esteem that I can see many people don't have. This means that even when I have been judged very harshly by others I never internalized it as 'true' about myself. I always knew that even if others couldn't see it that I was a decent and worthy person and my feelings were as valid as anybody else's.

THIS is something I strive to give yo my kids one day. You were lucky to have such an amazing childhood and Im sure it serves you well throughout your life journey.

 

[Solongo]

I'm definitely a very guarded person. Growing up, I was taught by my mom that expressing anything other than happiness was taboo. Even now, if she detects a slight trace of disappointment or irritation on my face, she'll tell me that I'm being a terrible daughter and I need to change the way I feel. I desperately want to able to open up to others, but the few times I have, I felt worse for it, not better. One of my close friends told me that since she can't do anything for me when I feel bad that I need to talk to someone else; that stung. The thought of opening up to others scares me, because I always subconsciously assume whoever I'm open with will end the relationship. I've gotten panic attacks at the very thought of being open. The inner conflict of wanting to be open versus the fear of rejection makes the problem that much worse.

Not to mention years of developing a poker face and keeping everything inside makes being honest with others that much more difficult. Also, I can't think of anyone in my life right now who I can trust with that level of communication. But that seems to have more to do with my mindset that anything else. I'm working hard at changing this part of me, but it's a difficult road.

All that said, I love it when other people open up to me and share their emotions. I love listening to others and helping them however I can, and knowing that they trust me is a big confidence boost. I suppose maybe the people who open up to me would be safe to open up to in return. Hmm...

I agree that it is a shift in the mindset. The anticipation and assumption that our expression will be rejected is the culprit. The assumption is based on our own judgement of how we feel; judging our feelings and emotions as bad or good even before actually expressing it. Once you release the need to judge the emotions and feelings as bad or good then it becomes easier to express. Fear of rejection will always exist in everything we do or share but it is the working through the fear with small steps that makes the difference. Don't think that if the fear is gone that you will be able to express easily; that's not the case. It is a habit that can be developed slowly and purposefully; the more you habitually share and express; the easier it becomes.

 

[invisible]

You see - I believe INFJs can sense those energies even though the other person thinks they are hiding it from us. That is societal conditioning. "Put on a happy face smile...grin and bear it...don't let them see you sweat"... all of these endless sayings tell us to not let others see our true selves. Part of your discomfort comes from the fact you know they are upset even while they're smiling. It's like we're being lied to. Right?

sometimes when i get home after 9 hours at work my mother asks me what happened during my day. sometimes i tell her: i hate my job, my manager tells me to do something and then claims she didnt tell me to do it, ive been there for 4 years and i have a degree and ive worked everywhere and i know more than the general manager about everything but i am the lowest of the low, the business leaders laugh off my suggestions like a joke and then implement them and take the credit, although im permanent part time they refuse to give me an extra additional regular shift and yet call me every single week to fill a place, the company is cutting dollars on staff budget despite making more money than ever and i am doing the work of 3 people, my colleagues rearrange my sensible hard work according to their own irrational aesthetic preferences, the customers talk to me like im some kind of naughty dog, i cant afford to leave this job yet... i am so emotional i get carried away and cant stop myself spewing out all of this endless negativity, and by the time i finish, 40 minutes has passed, and for some reason i feel worse than before. my mother too feels worse than before. i find that its just easy to say "oh well, it was OK, i fixed a merchandise problem," and go to my room and play a computer game. it may be lying, but it feels alright to me.

 

[Gaze]

sometimes when i get home after 9 hours at work my mother asks me what happened during my day. sometimes i tell her: i hate my job, my manager tells me to do something and then claims she didnt tell me to do it, ive been there for 4 years and i have a degree and ive worked everywhere and i know more than the general manager about everything but i am the lowest of the low, the business leaders laugh off my suggestions like a joke and then implement them and take the credit, although im permanent part time they refuse to give me an extra additional regular shift and yet call me every single week to fill a place, the company is cutting dollars on staff budget despite making more money than ever and i am doing the work of 3 people, my colleagues rearrange my sensible hard work according to their own irrational aesthetic preferences, the customers talk to me like im some kind of naughty dog, i cant afford to leave this job yet... i am so emotional i get carried away and cant stop myself spewing out all of this endless negativity, and by the time i finish, 40 minutes has passed, and for some reason i feel worse than before. my mother too feels worse than before. i find that its just easy to say "oh well, it was OK, i fixed a merchandise problem," and go to my room and play a computer game. it may be lying, but it feels alright to me.

I used to do this too, sometimes still do. I would spew out all the negative of the day, and of course that's probably not easy for the person listening. It was a really bad habit. I thought I had every right to express how I felt but it wasn't coming across very well, so yeah, i agree that sometimes, it's best to just not say anything is wrong.

 

[invisible]

I used to do this too, sometimes still do. I would spew out all the negative of the day, and of course that's probably not easy for the person listening. It was a really bad habit. I thought I had every right to express how I felt but it wasn't coming across very well, so yeah, i agree that sometimes, it's best to just not say anything is wrong.

yeah, i get emotionally carried away as you can see i did on that post. once i start i dont know how to stop saying what im saying. i cant moderate my strong emotions about things the way that i would like to. if i could, probably i would be at a more advanced level of this sort of thing, probably at what KGal is at. but i cant, i get carried away and cant stop, i get myself even more shaken up until i cant even sleep. so its better not to start, for me anyway, although i am not being truthful. i will need to practice moderating my emotions and expressing them in a way that is respectful for the other person to hear

 

[invisible]

also what i realise and remember after reflecting on KGal's writing is that what i personally believe is that self expression is valuable. many voices/subjectivities are silenced. and it is important to speak and to contribute openly, own unique voices and subjectivities. because otherwise they would just be erased by people who dont want to hear them. (like sometimes me, before i put aside my ego.

 

[Deleted member 10171]

Letting my guard down? If I was left to my own devices, I would say that I'm very open with people BUT trust and congruence is a prerequisite to me being in this free spirited place.

I certainly hold myself back with people I cannot truly see (in face to face interaction). If I meet someone for the first time, I can very quickly sense their energy and whether they are guarded etc. If this is the case then I naturally just mirror them and hold parts of myself back. I do this quite unconsciously but it's more to do with the person rather than myself.

The degree to which I'm in my head (ie questioning, reflecting and all the other variables increases my self-awareness and helps me be able to distinguish what aspects belong to me and what doesn't etc) is normally the tell-tale sign that I'm in guard mode.

It's important for me to honour the defence mechanisms of that person and respect their reasons (whatever that might be) for withholding parts of themselves – I don’t take it personally even if it’s something to do with aspects of my own personality. However this only works as long as I don't have too much contact with them but the moment that changes (ie they expect more from me) what usually happens is that I end up challenging them (done sensitively and honestly but always goes pear shaped). Within that challenge is the very "thing" that they are guarding themselves from and in most cases unwilling to consider, yield to and continue to deny. In the end (given time) the hypothesis always proves to be accurate but by this time the relationship has slowly disintegrated. It's that familiar and perpetual cycle that we INFJ'S know too well but one that I don't ever shy away or guard myself from.

From my personal observation and experience - people are on the whole afraid to be SEEN and to be KNOWN.

 

[ThomasJ79]

While most people would view me as an emotional, open, and for the most part trusting person, and I do like it when I am treated warmly, the things you said that I have bolded irk me.

Why?

Because I wish that instead of thinking about such an abstract and long term goal which is "your bond becoming stronger", and your own "expectations" for people to display their feelings to you, I wish you would just focus on the person's actual problems and on wanting to help them, and not wish for irrelevant things that you might never get even if the person opened up to you. I absolutely resent it when someone coerces me into sharing more of myself, and to me prematurely and artificially wanting someone to offer more of themselves to you seems selfish, clingy, and entirely unnecessary.

I know the world would be great if everyone was able to be totally open and free with their feelings. But people don't work that way. I don't know about you - maybe you just exude an aura that makes people not feel like telling you things. I exude the opposite aura. Nearly every day I get people having conversations with me for hours and hours and near-strangers telling me things about themselves that they say they've never told anyone before. And it feels great in the moment, but guess what, human bonds are more complex than that and a lot more is needed than just two bleeding hearts. If you want to love someone, you love someone first, and you think about the relationship second. If you want to do things the other way around, then buy a dog.

Niffer,

I felt the need to respond because I feel my main point was misrepresented. Perhaps it was my wording, and if so, I'm sorry for sounding like such a douche bag, but I completely respect people who are not willing to talk. Sometimes they just need time, but I know when they aren't going to talk to me. That is the point of the thread. I am not talking about what you described, having someone hovering over you, forcing you to spill all. I'm not about that. I don't push, I don't prod, I only wish they would open up. That is how I feel inside. I don't tell them they should open up to me, I only hope that they will. Sometimes, it hurts when they don't because I hate seeing them suffer. I actually give off an aura that welcomes people and I never force people into artificial relationships. To do so would go against having a few deep, meaningful relationships in life. I can count on one hand the number of people I can open up to emotionally, but anyone is free to do so with me. Look, I have lost many important relationships to death and I've come to realize that life is too short and maybe talking about relationships on an abstract level doesn't work with you, and that's fine, but in the grand scheme of life that is what keeps me focused on the big picture. I look years down the road and think, my god, what if I, or my brother, or my mom doesn't live very much longer, have I spent enough time with them? Do they feel they have someone to turn to in life? I like being that person they can turn to, not everybody, just those few. It would be incredibly sad if they felt lonely on their death bed or felt they had no one to turn to. I am not clingy, nor selfish, in fact I demand very little out of people in general. All I ask is mutual love, trust, and support. I still have relationships that are stuck because the other person doesn't value spending time or talking about the same things I do, and have been awful toward me in the past, but I've been working at them anyways and have been slowly making way. Part of the trouble is that I was so emotionally guarded in the past and I've let my guard down and now I'm going around and trying reestablish relationships that I had let go because they were too guarded to make strong in the first place. These relationships were part of the reason I was so guarded to begin with. I think if you were a male, you would understand the amount of emotional suppression that exists among us. I also have someone I love more than the world that suffers from depression and anxiety and is hard to reach sometimes. I want her to be able to one day let go of her worries so she can enjoy life more fully.

 

[Vict]

Discord happens, I figure. Best avoid it. (That 9 can really be a drag).

 

[barbad0s]

Niffer,

I felt the need to respond because I feel my main point was misrepresented. Perhaps it was my wording, and if so, I'm sorry for sounding like such a douche bag, but I completely respect people who are not willing to talk. Sometimes they just need time, but I know when they aren't going to talk to me. That is the point of the thread. I am not talking about what you described, having someone hovering over you, forcing you to spill all. I'm not about that. I don't push, I don't prod, I only wish they would open up. That is how I feel inside. I don't tell them they should open up to me, I only hope that they will. Sometimes, it hurts when they don't because I hate seeing them suffer. I actually give off an aura that welcomes people and I never force people into artificial relationships. To do so would go against having a few deep, meaningful relationships in life. I can count on one hand the number of people I can open up to emotionally, but anyone is free to do so with me. Look, I have lost many important relationships to death and I've come to realize that life is too short and maybe talking about relationships on an abstract level doesn't work with you, and that's fine, but in the grand scheme of life that is what keeps me focused on the big picture. I look years down the road and think, my god, what if I, or my brother, or my mom doesn't live very much longer, have I spent enough time with them? Do they feel they have someone to turn to in life? I like being that person they can turn to, not everybody, just those few. It would be incredibly sad if they felt lonely on their death bed or felt they had no one to turn to. I am not clingy, nor selfish, in fact I demand very little out of people in general. All I ask is mutual love, trust, and support. I still have relationships that are stuck because the other person doesn't value spending time or talking about the same things I do, and have been awful toward me in the past, but I've been working at them anyways and have been slowly making way. Part of the trouble is that I was so emotionally guarded in the past and I've let my guard down and now I'm going around and trying reestablish relationships that I had let go because they were too guarded to make strong in the first place. These relationships were part of the reason I was so guarded to begin with. I think if you were a male, you would understand the amount of emotional suppression that exists among us. I also have someone I love more than the world that suffers from depression and anxiety and is hard to reach sometimes. I want her to be able to one day let go of her worries so she can enjoy life more fully.

What you're saying here definitely makes a lot of sense. I was in a poisonous mood the day I wrote that post - I had been going through some emotional pressure in my own life and was experiencing pressure/pushing from others in the way that I described there, related to this issue. I have to apologize for my tone and presumptuous comments, which wouldn't have been likely to have been true anyway since they don't match up with how you come across as a person.

 

[Kgal]

also what i realise and remember after reflecting on KGal's writing is that what i personally believe is that self expression is valuable. many voices/subjectivities are silenced. and it is important to speak and to contribute openly, own unique voices and subjectivities. because otherwise they would just be erased by people who dont want to hear them. (like sometimes me, before i put aside my ego.

This is what I was going to say and as I read down through the posts I see you arrived here before me.

Ouch... I am sorry to see you in such pain.

What I see happening is while yes you are expressing the heavy negative emotions - they aren't being heard and validated. This takes someone who can show compassion while listening to the pain and fear underlying those expressions. I suspect your mother is not able to do that for you. And when we are caught up in the pain/fear cycle - it is very hard to stop and give ourselves compassion when we're immersed in the midst of intense heavy emotions.

Yes. I agree there is a point that comes when we need to purposefully redirect our focus on something that will make us happy.

It's like that point in a moment in time when poised on the diving board the body will tilt slightly forward and then rock slightly back to find that perfect balance before the jump. We do the same kind of movement all throughout our lives. We seem to move forward and then seem to step back...and our conditioning tells us we are wrong...that we should be forward...forward...onward...never back.

This line of reasoning is erroneous and is a manipulation.

I invite you to look for Loving Kindness meditations and do one each night. Find one that makes you feel relaxed and peaceful when listening to it. Or practice silent loving kindness with your intention upon self only. It may feel hokey in the beginning. Play around with it. Use your imagination to pretend this is the most normal thing in the world to do...that every one you know does this practice every day.(I did this with others in our meditation group every Monday night) Go ahead... Who cares if you're imagining this scenario? Your body will probably enjoy all the feel good chemicals your brain creates while getting to use it's creative functioning.

This will be a great learning for you if you practice this for two reasons: 1. It will help you learn how to meditate which leads to showing Self compassion and validation. 2. You will start to feel the joy that comes from acceptance of your self.

I remember when I first heard of this concept I snorted in derision. ... I've done some pretty horrific things in my past and I knew there was no way I was going to accept them. Period. ....Hah! Boy was I wrong...

Next time you come home and someone asks you how was your day...and it was crap....I hope you honor your self and say "It was shit and I'm going to journal about it". That way it's honest - but you're not immersing them and you in it. You can choose to express it later in your journal entries if you're up to it - or you can do a loving kindness meditation and then go play a game. Either way - you are honoring your feelings - you are honoring your body - you are honoring your Self.

 

[invisible]

thank you [MENTION=2578]Kgal[/MENTION]. i will continue to consider these things and i will also follow up on this by getting a book of loving kindness meditations. ty

 

[Reverie]

It’s in my nature to be reserved. This means to not burden people with my problems when I don’t know what to say, when I’ve already talked quite a bit, or when they seem to be having too much fun to make them stop and look at an ugly situation. This means I don’t enjoy giving much of my personal thoughts and feelings in impersonal situations. This means that bringing my problems to mind by talking about them and thinking about the emotions involved means that they’re in the present reality.

It’s not in my nature to be guarded, suspicious, critical, or judgmental of others’ motives. In a perfect world, no one would take advantage of others. No one would target and track weaknesses. No one would manipulate. No one would exploit. The world isn’t perfect, and so to survive neither is my willingness to trust or my openness. I learned my lesson ten times over, and I have to be a bit cold to stand deflecting or forcibly ejecting people who have a fantastic script for emotional manipulation and exploitation at the ready.

 

[Kgal]

In a perfect world children would be taught how to identify and encouraged to express their emotions to others who are relaxed and easy about listening to them. As children grew into puberty and experienced the onslaught of emotional intensity normally encountered with being a teenager - they would be prepared and knowledgeable about their feelings and the intense emotions wouldn't blindside them.

There would already be a pattern of listening and acceptance built into their support systems around them. This would radiate out into communities and in just a few generations we would have a more peaceful society.

We wouldn't be encouraged to be robots - mechanical minded meat bodies going about doing what we're told to do. We would be balanced and centered....not easily pushed about.

This is what is desperately needed in our society.

 

[NK278]

So now here I am, asking all of you to let your guard down. How do feel about this? Do you find people you try to connect with are too cold or guarded? How do you deal with this? Or, do you find that you are the one that is doing most of the guarding?

I would like you to consider what it's like to be the one guarded. You referred that you realize people see different types and such. But what of experience? Sometimes really bad things happen to people and especially when they're young, this can be so very difficult to process and cope with and make sense of. If your very first experience going on an airplane was traumatic, do you think you'd be quick to fly again? Even if you KNOW that that destination is where yovu want to go, there's the process of getting there.

Sometimes people don't know just how guarded they are. Often times people cope and try to be strong and make the right choices but if the circumstances were really bad, they don't know what to do, or even more common, the brain makes the decision for them. Studies show people who will speak of memories that are choppy or when they speak of emotional intense topics and minimize them or down play their seriousness, that the body reacts. Brain scans say this too. Our brains actually put forth an overabundance of mental energy to keep up the walls to cope. Only when circumstances usurp this energy does things surface or rather, become clearer or make more sense because the brain literally doesn't have the energy to hold those walls up anymore.

Even then, guarded they may still be. Because this world is cruel. And people judge. And some stories are just too sad or tragic to be shared. Or remembered. Imagine what it's like to crave that destination (connection) but your afraid. And the first time you traveled was awful and so you tell people anything but the truth because it's scary to be afraid (openly). What if you had no food to eat and you could only get food at that destination. Emaciated you try so hard to climb aboard and fly again. It takes time. What will people think? Will they want to fly with you knowing your this way or will you be called broken, or judged as irrational, or thought of as evil or tainted or bad luck or too much trouble, or whatever the superfluous amounts of garbage that spews from ignorant people's minds. And what if you knew those minds to be brilliant and good, do you now burden them with your burdens crashing their dreams or images you know they wish for? What if you scare them away?

Try not to be frustrated with people's guards up. Most people have some up for whatever their reasons. Understand your guards. Focus on you. Because the fact is people don't put guards up to spite you, or to make you angry or frustrated. People have guards up because they're afraid. And some of those walls they might not be aware of clearly enough to take them down. And taking them down is frightening. Because they don't know what anything else feels like. Try to have empathy. Don't let it bother you. It's only natural to feel rejected or pushed away or irritated when people do this. It tends to trigger other people's insecurities. But if you take care of your insecurities. And not blame them on the person whose triggered them, maybe that will be one less scary experience for them to feel.

You never really know the pain in other people's hearts or minds until you listen beyond your own. I know this input is delayed and it might not be an issue for you anymore. I just wanted to give you a perspective from a different angle. It's not easy when the world can't fathom how you feel. But, maybe you can relate on some level to generate some sense of empathy. I mean, we're all afraid of something...right?

Communication is hard but that too. Even when humans suck at it super bad (most do, including myself), it's worth trying. Communicate you care and you're there and in time, guards melt away. I mean, sometimes a person trusts you but they're still just afraid and that has nothing to do with you.

 

[ThomasJ79]

I would like you to consider what it's like to be the one guarded. You referred that you realize people see different types and such. But what of experience? Sometimes really bad things happen to people and especially when they're young, this can be so very difficult to process and cope with and make sense of. If your very first experience going on an airplane was traumatic, do you think you'd be quick to fly again? Even if you KNOW that that destination is where yovu want to go, there's the process of getting there.

Sometimes people don't know just how guarded they are. Often times people cope and try to be strong and make the right choices but if the circumstances were really bad, they don't know what to do, or even more common, the brain makes the decision for them. Studies show people who will speak of memories that are choppy or when they speak of emotional intense topics and minimize them or down play their seriousness, that the body reacts. Brain scans say this too. Our brains actually put forth an overabundance of mental energy to keep up the walls to cope. Only when circumstances usurp this energy does things surface or rather, become clearer or make more sense because the brain literally doesn't have the energy to hold those walls up anymore.

Even then, guarded they may still be. Because this world is cruel. And people judge. And some stories are just too sad or tragic to be shared. Or remembered. Imagine what it's like to crave that destination (connection) but your afraid. And the first time you traveled was awful and so you tell people anything but the truth because it's scary to be afraid (openly). What if you had no food to eat and you could only get food at that destination. Emaciated you try so hard to climb aboard and fly again. It takes time. What will people think? Will they want to fly with you knowing your this way or will you be called broken, or judged as irrational, or thought of as evil or tainted or bad luck or too much trouble, or whatever the superfluous amounts of garbage that spews from ignorant people's minds. And what if you knew those minds to be brilliant and good, do you now burden them with your burdens crashing their dreams or images you know they wish for? What if you scare them away?

Try not to be frustrated with people's guards up. Most people have some up for whatever their reasons. Understand your guards. Focus on you. Because the fact is people don't put guards up to spite you, or to make you angry or frustrated. People have guards up because they're afraid. And some of those walls they might not be aware of clearly enough to take them down. And taking them down is frightening. Because they don't know what anything else feels like. Try to have empathy. Don't let it bother you. It's only natural to feel rejected or pushed away or irritated when people do this. It tends to trigger other people's insecurities. But if you take care of your insecurities. And not blame them on the person whose triggered them, maybe that will be one less scary experience for them to feel.

You never really know the pain in other people's hearts or minds until you listen beyond your own. I know this input is delayed and it might not be an issue for you anymore. I just wanted to give you a perspective from a different angle. It's not easy when the world can't fathom how you feel. But, maybe you can relate on some level to generate some sense of empathy. I mean, we're all afraid of something...right?

Communication is hard but that too. Even when humans suck at it super bad (most do, including myself), it's worth trying. Communicate you care and you're there and in time, guards melt away. I mean, sometimes a person trusts you but they're still just afraid and that has nothing to do with you.

Thank you for your sincere response and for offering me another perspective. Fortunately, I do know what it is like to be guarded. I spent many years being very stoic and at some point came to hate being that way. When I look back on pictures of me as a boy I looked like a normal boy who was happy and free to express myself. I'm sure it had to do with my home environment, but by the time I was a teenager I started keeping my emotions bottled up because I feared how others would react if I was open with them. I had a stepfather with an explosive temper and I used my intuition to guage his emotions so I could avoid pushing him over the edge. Showing emotion was almost a way to challenge him. A sigh, a roll of the eyes, anything, and he would become angry and very aggressive. So this bottling up was a way to prove that I was tough and a way to avoid upsetting the environment any more than it already was. This suppression went on for about a decade or more, until I started my own family and built my own life for myself. Having such control over my life has brought me back to being much more honest with myself and open with others.

So yes, I am able to empathize with people and understand why people are guarded, the reasons are varied, but right now I'm trying to reach certain people that I care about and open them up. I know they're hurting and I want to do what I can to help, but it feels hopeless sometimes because there is nothing I can do except be there for them when they're ready. It feels like an eternity! All of these thoughts just made me fed up with so many people being guarded all the time. I can feel the tension and distrust that exists between people, and I notice the arrogance of other people, the rudeness that they can exhibit, the downright cruelty that human beings are capable of. While I know this is human nature, it just sucks. I guess that is why I'm an idealist. Once I came to my own realizations about love and life I wanted to share that with people who weren't all that receptive to it, much like I wasn't when I was going through difficult times. It's just one of those things that people have to figure out for themselves.

Again, thank you very much for your insights, they were very helpful and I'll try to focus more on others and not so much on how they've been making me feel and I'll keep in mind that they aren't rejecting me, they just need to deal with their own trust issues in their own way. Then maybe someday they will slowly open up the curtains and let the sun's rays in and maybe they'll begin to take their walls down.

 

[NK278]

Thank you for your sincere response and for offering me another perspective. Fortunately, I do know what it is like to be guarded. I spent many years being very stoic and at some point came to hate being that way. When I look back on pictures of me as a boy I looked like a normal boy who was happy and free to express myself. I'm sure it had to do with my home environment, but by the time I was a teenager I started keeping my emotions bottled up because I feared how others would react if I was open with them. I had a stepfather with an explosive temper and I used my intuition to guage his emotions so I could avoid pushing him over the edge. Showing emotion was almost a way to challenge him. A sigh, a roll of the eyes, anything, and he would become angry and very aggressive. So this bottling up was a way to prove that I was tough and a way to avoid upsetting the environment any more than it already was. This suppression went on for about a decade or more, until I started my own family and built my own life for myself. Having such control over my life has brought me back to being much more honest with myself and open with others.

So yes, I am able to empathize with people and understand why people are guarded, the reasons are varied, but right now I'm trying to reach certain people that I care about and open them up. I know they're hurting and I want to do what I can to help, but it feels hopeless sometimes because there is nothing I can do except be there for them when they're ready. It feels like an eternity! All of these thoughts just made me fed up with so many people being guarded all the time. I can feel the tension and distrust that exists between people, and I notice the arrogance of other people, the rudeness that they can exhibit, the downright cruelty that human beings are capable of. While I know this is human nature, it just sucks. I guess that is why I'm an idealist. Once I came to my own realizations about love and life I wanted to share that with people who weren't all that receptive to it, much like I wasn't when I was going through difficult times. It's just one of those things that people have to figure out for themselves.

Again, thank you very much for your insights, they were very helpful and I'll try to focus more on others and not so much on how they've been making me feel and I'll keep in mind that they aren't rejecting me, they just need to deal with their own trust issues in their own way. Then maybe someday they will slowly open up the curtains and let the sun's rays in and maybe they'll begin to take their walls down.

I've been through many difficult phases of my life, each that I've gained wisdom and for a long time I want to share it so bad! As if it would make the arduous nature of events less painful. Like sharing your netflix account. Lol!

But. Time and again I have to remind myself. If I was allowed the freedom to make my mistakes and gain my wisdom. Then others should be allowed to do the same as well. I'm quite certain I've been told wise things that if I were have been receptive, I would have prevented much pain in my life. But I suppose, I wanted freedom of choice.

Over life .. We gain knowledge that just sits there, or maybe we have it all along. It's as if each person needs experience in order for it to all assimilate and make sense. For it to matter. For it to be understood. So we might call that wisdom our own. That's freedom of choice.