One year after the affair by ISTP spouse

[DoveAlexa]

I think you need to stop trying so hard. She's obviously not as invested in the relationship as you are. It seems like she doesn't respect you and your feelings, and at this point, I don't think that a plain, heart-to-heart conversation is going to work.

I'm going to be blunt and upfront here. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. As does unpredictability.

Right now, she's feeling all too assured where she stands with you. And chances are, your overly accommodating, emotional and needling behaviour is probably looking pretty irritating rather than sympathetic. Her familiarity with your habits and psyche is giving her a firm ground to stand on and is giving her room to explore her wants and needs at her leisure, keeping you around as a back-up plan rather than a first choice. She doesn't take you seriously. You have to change that if you want to save this relationship, and sadly, that is going to have to start with your behaviour.

If you call/text/communicate with her every day, stop. If you usually make an effort to tell her you still love her/express affection, stop. The best thing to do is suddenly get busy and don't tell her what you're doing. Go out with your friends. Start a workout regime. Try for a promotion at work. If you're not a snazzy dresser, start to put a little more effort into what you're wearing; dress nicely. Take phone-calls into the next room. Stop checking on her phone and email (you shouldn't be doing that in the first place). You need to shift your focus away from her and let her feel a little starved for your attention. This way, you'll show her that you're not going to wait around forever until she decides whether or not she wants to be with you or not. And I'm not saying to do this for "show." I'm saying, really, do this for you.

Because if she does drop you one day (I'm not saying this plan is guaranteed to get her back, but it probably gives you the best chances) you're going to need something to fall back onto and build your self-esteem. And this is what this is all about; putting yourself first and accomplishing something for yourself because you deserve some you-love much more than she does.

That's about as practical as my advice can get. Good luck.

BEST ADVICE EVER! Take it, really.

I am in much the same situation with my ISTP bf as you and your ISTP gf. I can relate to what you say about how she behaves. Also about how the good times when the ISTP is emotionally and romantically available creates the hope that you need for things to work out for the future. My ISTP has had a history of emotional inconsistency and his Fi is very high and his Fe quite low; although it has greatly improved.

It takes a strong person to make it work with a previousely unfaithful ISTP. You will get mixed advice here with the main objective being along the lines of logic. However, as you are in an emotionally painful situation, I'll add some validation to your situation. It could go either way for you. But if your like me, then your love for your partner and the relationship is strong, and you will keep on stratagizing everything to make the relationship smooth, it might pay off. You need to understand though, when to stop focussing on her and on the "relationship" as a seperate entity, and get back to rediscovering yourself as its easy to do. In other words, in your case, hope for the best, but don't ruin yourself if it doesn't work out. Love is a funny thing.
My relationship is in a wonderful stage right now, but that is thanks to some outside professional help for both of us. Also, it took some time apart for him to truly decide what he wanted. Just thought I'd pop in my 2 cents and wish you good luck!

At the risk of sounding entirely thought-nazi I say this post comes dangerously close to stereotyping all ISTP's who aren't perfect at any given time as all having an extra-high chance of cheating on their partner and overall ruining relationships. Since there are a few ISTP's on the board I'd ask that we avoid calling out the types like this, and refer only to relationship experience as a single person case basis, regardless of type.

 

[Ria]

BEST ADVICE EVER! Take it, really.


At the risk of sounding entirely thought-nazi I say this post comes dangerously close to stereotyping all ISTP's who aren't perfect at any given time as all having an extra-high chance of cheating on their partner and overall ruining relationships. Since there are a few ISTP's on the board I'd ask that we avoid calling out the types like this, and refer only to relationship experience as a single person case basis, regardless of type.

Hey Dove, I know you are with Chaz who is ISTP and here on the forum, and I'd say Chaz is a good guy so no offense intended. I get what you're saying though. What I was trying to get at, was that Fe is something that needs developement in ISTPs. It was a simple state of that fact and not an insult to all ISTPs. But sorry if it came across in a bad way!

 

[DoveAlexa]

Hey Dove, I know you are with Chaz who is ISTP and here on the forum, and I'd say Chaz is a good guy so no offense intended. I get what you're saying though. What I was trying to get at, was that Fe is something that needs developement in ISTPs. It was a simple state of that fact and not an insult to all ISTPs. But sorry if it came across in a bad way!

Yeah, I know, /pat. Though when I first read it, I knew that if I didn't know Chaz like I do that after reading the Op and then your post, I'd have been permanently scarred by them. I wouldn't be able to trust him just based on the paranoia brought on by 2 bad and similar experiences in one thread.

 

[toska]

I also agree with TheDaringHatTrick's advice. If that doesn't work, spend some time alone and then find someone who appreciates you. It sounds like you deserve better.

 

[vegaSagev]

Great thoughts everyone. I recognize it may be over. But I am not willing to give up, on her, on myself, our family (3 kids) or any of it. I spent a long time time as the (accidently) aloof and disinterested one. She was lonely and depressed. She used to tell me she was lonely, but I thought she meant living in this city away from family, not having friends...I had no idea she meant in our marriage. She changed overnight it seemed and kind of woke up to herself and her possibilities.

A couple of weeks ago was the best things had ever been. I was doing some of what HatTrick mentioned out of neccesity with my job...I was just super busy. She was waking me up in the middle of the night to get it on and was much more interested in me when I didn't "need" her so much. Still not very vocally expressive, but I was fairly satisfied.

I think my plan is to recognize she has choices to make but so do I. I will choose to live hard and do what brings me peace. I know (through counseling) that no other human can bring me peace, so I just have to be different myself. I need to develop Ti and Se. When I have gravitated toward those kinds of ways of being, she seemed to connect in better ways than my stronger Ni and Fe. But developing those qualities for me will make me a more complete person. If she likes it, cool. If not, I can be patient. To me divorce doesn't neccesarily remedy anything. But someone told me the other day, yes divorce or break ups suck, but the trade-off is finding someone you can love and be loved by.

Thanks for the insights.