Other infj’s only attracting mean men?

Sometimes Yeah said:
INFJs come across as demure, polite, and caring. But when they open up, I find them VERY unpleasant.

Maybe it's the shift from introverted-empathy mode, to judgemental-moralising (nagging) mode.

Anyhow, I hope you can find someone compatible and friendly.
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Hmph! No more INFJs for you. *flips hair*
 
So, I'm speaking from personal experience as a man here. A lot of the time I hear about women's experiences with men, I've mostly heard that men suck. At this point, I'm used to negative feedback on this topic. Not every woman I talk to says that men suck but it's just common to hear from women, in my experience, that men suck.

Because I've heard consistently bad things about men throughout my life I've made an effort to treat women respectfully. I don't yell, I don't personally insult, I pay for dates, etc. However, I'm just one dude. I can't fix the entire world by treating my dates and female friends respectfully.

I'm sorry you had bad experiences with men but unfortunately even the greatest men, most virtuous men, are still human beings. I wish I personally knew what to do or say in every situation, but as awesome as I am (and many men are), I (we) still make mistakes.

Still, while there are no perfect people you should still be treated respectfully and have every right to demand that.
 
Also, I would like to add that as you work on self love and confidence you will discover how insanely attractive sincerity and kindness are. Cruelty will repel you.

The men who won't speak to you without sex are doing you a favor and do not chase them. Don't let anyone disrespect you. YOU get to choose THEM.

To put it more succinctly: "Pussy run everything, fuck that noise." -Drake
 
:thonking:
 
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Pin said:
I'd like to add that a lot of people are mean so you're probably not wrong to be mad. I hope you meet a man that is perfect for you and helps you be the best version of yourself.
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Thank you, i was actually asked out this friday by this classic tall, dark and handsome man. My first instinct was to feel anxious and think what do he want from me, is he planning on using me, do he find me looking naive and someone he can take advantage of?! Haha, in the end i said no. I used to get so exited when men like him asked me out but no i clam up and get extremely suspicious. Before the last man i was dating and writing about here i was heading this way, i guess he was the final straw. But maybe someday i’ll meet someone kind :)
 
And btw you sound like a
Pin said:
So, I'm speaking from personal experience as a man here. A lot of the time I hear about women's experiences with men, I've mostly heard that men suck. At this point, I'm used to negative feedback on this topic. Not every woman I talk to says that men suck but it's just common to hear from women, in my experience, that men suck.

Because I've heard consistently bad things about men throughout my life I've made an effort to treat women respectfully. I don't yell, I don't personally insult, I pay for dates, etc. However, I'm just one dude. I can't fix the entire world by treating my dates and female friends respectfully.

I'm sorry you had bad experiences with men but unfortunately even the greatest men, most virtuous men, are still human beings. I wish I personally knew what to do or say in every situation, but as awesome as I am (and many men are), I (we) still make mistakes.

Still, while there are no perfect people you should still be treated respectfully and have every right to demand that.
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You sound like a good person!

purplecrayons said:
Also, I would like to add that as you work on self love and confidence you will discover how insanely attractive sincerity and kindness are. Cruelty will repel you.

The men who won't speak to you without sex are doing you a favor and do not chase them. Don't let anyone disrespect you. YOU get to choose THEM.

To put it more succinctly: "Pussy run everything, fuck that noise." -Drake
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True words! Unlike my younger years i am attracted to men who seem really kind, safe and warm, but they act as if i repel them and become a different person after i start to develop feelings so i don’t dare to date anymore. I think i need someone who can take and love the fact that i’m very affectionate, it’s probably too much for most.
 
I remember this doctor who kept chasing me for months, i said yes to a date after him asking for so long. He got a little drunk on our date and told me about some things about this work who had been so tragic he sometimes cried himself to sleep. I wasn’t clingy or over the top with this one, i just listen for hours, by the end of the date we kissed. A couple of days after he texted me that he wasn’t interested and didn’t want to see og talk to me again. I said he was the one chasing me so he shouldn’t make it sound like i’m the one who’s been pining after him. Immature response by me, but i felt a little hurt how he was turning the tables like that. I wouldn’t say he was mean like the others, but this has also happened sometimes with men, they chase, pour their heart out and then ask me to stay away from them, i’m left feeling confused and that i scare everyone away, even when i in those cases didn’t actually do anything
 
Malena said:
. A couple of days after he texted me that he wasn’t interested and didn’t want to see og talk to me again. I said he was the one chasing me so he shouldn’t make it sound like i’m the one who’s been pining after him. Immature response by me, but i felt a little hurt how he was turning the tables like that. I wouldn’t say he was mean like the others, but this has also happened sometimes with men, they chase, pour their heart out and then ask me to stay away from them, i’m left feeling confused and that i scare everyone away, even when i in those cases didn’t actually do anything
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I think it's important to contextualize this.

This has happened to me too, and many sincere people who have not yet gone through hard lessons in life to become a little more guarded.

There are some people in this world, men and women, who for whatever reason will pursue people they aren't actually interested in. Some of them are confused themselves. Others need an ego boost, don't know how to sustain real relationships, the list goes on and on.

As you have experiences with these types of people you will better be able to recognize and avoid them. I find them harder to deal with initially because they give the illusion that they are emotionally open but are really unavailable.

I was attracted to unavailable people for far too long.

I'm sorry this happened to you.
 
slant said:
I think it's important to contextualize this.

This has happened to me too, and many sincere people who have not yet gone through hard lessons in life to become a little more guarded.

There are some people in this world, men and women, who for whatever reason will pursue people they aren't actually interested in. Some of them are confused themselves. Others need an ego boost, don't know how to sustain real relationships, the list goes on and on.

As you have experiences with these types of people you will better be able to recognize and avoid them. I find them harder to deal with initially because they give the illusion that they are emotionally open but are really unavailable.

I was attracted to unavailable people for far too long.

I'm sorry this happened to you.
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You’re right, it is harder because they give the illusion of being emotionally available when they are not. And one shouldn’t internalize others behaviour so much, at least try not to. I’m happy for you that you don’t waste time on being attracted to those men anymore :) Thank you, i have a feeling it won’t happen again anytime soon as i’m so guarded and suspicious atm
 
I was going to write something, but then I realize that it’s too easy to project what’s going on with me into your situation. I would say off the cuff that maybe choose a guy who likes you for your personality?
 
Malena said:
You’re right, it is harder because they give the illusion of being emotionally available when they are not. And one shouldn’t internalize others behaviour so much, at least try not to. I’m happy for you that you don’t waste time on being attracted to those men anymore :) Thank you, i have a feeling it won’t happen again anytime soon as i’m so guarded and suspicious atm
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I'm sorry you feel you have to be "guarded and suspicious." I wish it weren't so.

I find that to be my default INFJ state. I really have to consciously open myself up to trusting that some people are good, will like me for who I am and if someone hurts or rejects me I will still be okay. I'll still be awesome, just not right for them.
 
Malena said:
I remember this doctor who kept chasing me for months, i said yes to a date after him asking for so long. He got a little drunk on our date and told me about some things about this work who had been so tragic he sometimes cried himself to sleep. I wasn’t clingy or over the top with this one, i just listen for hours, by the end of the date we kissed. A couple of days after he texted me that he wasn’t interested and didn’t want to see og talk to me again. I said he was the one chasing me so he shouldn’t make it sound like i’m the one who’s been pining after him. Immature response by me, but i felt a little hurt how he was turning the tables like that. I wouldn’t say he was mean like the others, but this has also happened sometimes with men, they chase, pour their heart out and then ask me to stay away from them, i’m left feeling confused and that i scare everyone away, even when i in those cases didn’t actually do anything
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Sometimes we think that being open to people would have them more receptive of us and then see us as great partners. I think it's essential to not want a person for the sole reason of just wanting a partner. I think it's where nearly all the issues stem from: loneliness and the actions we take thereafter to quell it.
 
mintoots said:
Sometimes we think that being open to people would have them more receptive of us and then see us as great partners. I think it's essential to not want a person for the sole reason of just wanting a partner. I think it's where nearly all the issues stem from: loneliness and the actions we take thereafter to quell it.
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THIS.
 
purplecrayons said:
I'm sorry you feel you have to be "guarded and suspicious." I wish it weren't so.

I find that to be my default INFJ state. I really have to consciously open myself up to trusting that some people are good, will like me for who I am and if someone hurts or rejects me I will still be okay. I'll still be awesome, just not right for them.
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Yes, i wish that too. Dating should be fun and not make you cry and feel horrible afterwards. Sounds like it’s a wonderful «default» the , that’s how it should be and the most healthy mindset when it comes to dating and rejection
 
mintoots said:
Sometimes we think that being open to people would have them more receptive of us and then see us as great partners. I think it's essential to not want a person for the sole reason of just wanting a partner. I think it's where nearly all the issues stem from: loneliness and the actions we take thereafter to quell it.
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The thing is that i don’t feel lonley when i’m not dating or interested in someone. Most of my loneliness started after i starting dating and got treated like trash by so many. I’ve rejected a lot of men myself, but always in a respectful manner and many became my friends instead. I would never be in a relationship with someone just because, that’s why i only date men i’m interested in. But all the bad behaviour has done something to me lately, i feel so deeply wounded and i’m starting to see romance as something fake and deceiving. When someone ask me out or send me a flirtatious text i’m thinking they probably see me as a easy prey and take it as an insult. I miss the person i was before i started dating three years ago, i sound like a bitter, old hag when deep inside i love love and romance, i even cry and get goosebumps watching romantic Disney movies
 
Malena said:
The thing is that i don’t feel lonley when i’m not dating or interested in someone. Most of my loneliness started after i starting dating and got treated like trash by so many. I’ve rejected a lot of men myself, but always in a respectful manner and many became my friends instead. I would never be in a relationship with someone just because, that’s why i only date men i’m interested in. But all the bad behaviour has done something to me lately, i feel so deeply wounded and i’m starting to see romance as something fake and deceiving. When someone ask me out or send me a flirtatious text i’m thinking they probably see me as a easy prey and take it as an insult. I miss the person i was before i started dating three years ago, i sound like a bitter, old hag when deep inside i love love and romance, i even cry and get goosebumps watching romantic Disney movies
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Would time away from romance & dating help?
Sometime losing myself in my dreams & aspirations helps cleanse out everything that shouldn't be there. We can't ever be the person we were three years ago, but that doesn't me we can't be somebody we're happy with.
 
Winterflowers said:
Would time away from romance & dating help?
Sometime losing myself in my dreams & aspirations helps cleanse out everything that shouldn't be there. We can't ever be the person we were three years ago, but that doesn't me we can't be somebody we're happy with.
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Yes, good advice :) i talked to my boss the other day and asked for more shifts so i have less free time, also started to work out more to feel stronger
 
Malena said:
Yes, good advice :) i talked to my boss the other day and asked for more shifts so i have less free time, also started to work out more to feel stronger
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Do you write or journal your feelings? sometimes that helps me too, as long as it doesn't stray off into self-absorption. Other hobbies are also good - particularly I love gardening. Plants are pretty and watching them grow cultivates patience.
 
Winterflowers said:
Do you write or journal your feelings? sometimes that helps me too, as long as it doesn't stray off into self-absorption. Other hobbies are also good - particularly I love gardening. Plants are pretty and watching them grow cultivates patience.
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I’ve been meaning to journal for a long time but keep procrastinating it. Plants are a wonderful hobby. I also visit the ocean an hour away from here when i can, i feel grounded and at peace watching the waves and smelling the salty air, i really recommend it for stress and negative thoughts
 
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