Overdefensiveness, lack of discernment, and regret
- Thread starter Kwistalline
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Inkling
Community Member
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Ayup, Lurker's got it right... Tis JD from scrubs. Every girl who wears a wedding ring is invisible to him (unless he already consciously knows they're married).
Hmm... maybe if you started treating every guy the same? Like, you automatically assume the younger guys will go for you.... start automatically assuming the creepy old guys will too... however creepy that thought is. Then, you won't feel guilty for mistreating the young guys cause you'll start mistreating the old dudes too!
Hmm... maybe if you started treating every guy the same? Like, you automatically assume the younger guys will go for you.... start automatically assuming the creepy old guys will too... however creepy that thought is. Then, you won't feel guilty for mistreating the young guys cause you'll start mistreating the old dudes too!
Kwistalline
Permanent Fixture
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- INFJ
That, sister of mine, was not very helpful . . .
The point is that I'm trying to be less evil.
The point is that I'm trying to be less evil.
kylabenson
Newbie
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- INFJ/P
Reply to: Sumone
Kyla, I wasn't talking about men who are simply asking you out on a date or even flirting. These guys trample all over your boundaries grabbing your hair and pressing their face into it (that one happened to me too) or pinning you to your car - abnormal behaviour. What do they see in certain women that makes them think they are fair game?
Thats an easy 1, you just knee them in the bollox and run!!
Kyla, I wasn't talking about men who are simply asking you out on a date or even flirting. These guys trample all over your boundaries grabbing your hair and pressing their face into it (that one happened to me too) or pinning you to your car - abnormal behaviour. What do they see in certain women that makes them think they are fair game?
Thats an easy 1, you just knee them in the bollox and run!!
kylabenson
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It appears there are 2 topics to the initial; I have a problem. I suffer from over-defensiveness on the one extreme, and total lack of discernment on the other. Here's the example...
On 1 hand it speaks of what should i do if i guy comes on to me when all i want is a platonic relationship, and then somehow it has gone into assault, of course there is no excuse nor mix of emotions, guilt or otherwise, when it comes to a threat on your health or life,
I thought it was simple you react via human instinct and get the fuk out of there the best you can however way possible, and phone the police whilst running, so this poses the Question.. where does 'OVER-defensiveness' and 'discernment' play a part? <shurgs>
however it is the former which i was referring to, in my previous post... if someone likes you then it should be seen as flattery of course it should, lets face it you would soon be grumbling if no one ever gave you a second look,
I do know however there are some people my mother being 1 (typically deep thinker veriety)which get to overwhelmed by being in such a situation.. of having to refuse at the risk of and not wishing to hurt the feelings of the other, and after seething on it for a good several minutes sometimes weeks, when it actually boils down to it.. they cannot articulate the words properly and it ends up slurting out like a complete fool going straight for the jugular, my mother has no tact whatsoever, she knows what she means it's all just to overwhelming for her and her response is always pretty offensive, i've been there and seen it happen and all i want to do after picking my jaw up off the floor, is wish for the fukker to open up and pull me in, in this case i believe it is always good to have a pre-planned reply, i suffer from dysmorphia, and each and every time someone calls me sexy or hot or good looking etc, it grates on me like nails down a black board, but i have leant to use the line.. aw very kind of you to say so thank you' at first i found this very difficult to say as i am just too honest for my own good and just wanted to say, oh puuulease do me a favour, creep! but now its a lot easier to say, and totally habitual, now i don't even think about it, the words just roll off my tongue,
so i believe in situations where you are concerned about hurting someone's feelings it is always a good idea to have some pre planned 1 liners, this way you are never caught off guard.
As for instincts, without a shadow of a doubt!!
It is our 6th sense, and what defines us and makes us tick, put it this way, who wouldn't want that foresight... if 'they' could bottle it, 'they' would!
the only time my instincts have let me down, was years ago when i would articulate them into words for means of discussing a problem/issue, with a friend or family memeber, only to then doubt myself as i listened and took on board the other persons comments and opinions, needless to say, disaster!!
One thing i didn't know back then, was the difference in us all, they were of the logical type and not the INF, never again!! we have this gift, and a gift it is!
On 1 hand it speaks of what should i do if i guy comes on to me when all i want is a platonic relationship, and then somehow it has gone into assault, of course there is no excuse nor mix of emotions, guilt or otherwise, when it comes to a threat on your health or life,
I thought it was simple you react via human instinct and get the fuk out of there the best you can however way possible, and phone the police whilst running, so this poses the Question.. where does 'OVER-defensiveness' and 'discernment' play a part? <shurgs>
however it is the former which i was referring to, in my previous post... if someone likes you then it should be seen as flattery of course it should, lets face it you would soon be grumbling if no one ever gave you a second look,
I do know however there are some people my mother being 1 (typically deep thinker veriety)which get to overwhelmed by being in such a situation.. of having to refuse at the risk of and not wishing to hurt the feelings of the other, and after seething on it for a good several minutes sometimes weeks, when it actually boils down to it.. they cannot articulate the words properly and it ends up slurting out like a complete fool going straight for the jugular, my mother has no tact whatsoever, she knows what she means it's all just to overwhelming for her and her response is always pretty offensive, i've been there and seen it happen and all i want to do after picking my jaw up off the floor, is wish for the fukker to open up and pull me in, in this case i believe it is always good to have a pre-planned reply, i suffer from dysmorphia, and each and every time someone calls me sexy or hot or good looking etc, it grates on me like nails down a black board, but i have leant to use the line.. aw very kind of you to say so thank you' at first i found this very difficult to say as i am just too honest for my own good and just wanted to say, oh puuulease do me a favour, creep! but now its a lot easier to say, and totally habitual, now i don't even think about it, the words just roll off my tongue,
so i believe in situations where you are concerned about hurting someone's feelings it is always a good idea to have some pre planned 1 liners, this way you are never caught off guard.
As for instincts, without a shadow of a doubt!!
It is our 6th sense, and what defines us and makes us tick, put it this way, who wouldn't want that foresight... if 'they' could bottle it, 'they' would!
the only time my instincts have let me down, was years ago when i would articulate them into words for means of discussing a problem/issue, with a friend or family memeber, only to then doubt myself as i listened and took on board the other persons comments and opinions, needless to say, disaster!!
One thing i didn't know back then, was the difference in us all, they were of the logical type and not the INF, never again!! we have this gift, and a gift it is!
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I still have a problem with this. If the attention is unwanted why should a women have to feel or project flattery? I don't suggest being rude without reason but why should they have to put a man's ego first and make up an excuse rather than bluntly saying I’m not interested in a relationship? From my experience being polite about telling someone to back off has only encouraged them to think they can 'work on me' to get me to change my mind, the only method I've found effective is to clearly state I'm not interested. Honestly I find this the most respectful approach even if their ego is bruised, at least I'm not sending mixed messages.
As for the rest of your post :thumb: I deliberately went to an extreme in my original post cause Kwissy mentioned going against her intuition, I was just trying to make a point is all, I don't support treating anyone badly without reason
kylabenson
Newbie
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Response to the following:
I still have a problem with this. If the attention is unwanted why should a women have to feel or project flattery? I don't suggest being rude without reason but why should they have to put a man's ego first and make up an excuse rather than bluntly saying I’m not interested in a relationship?
__________________________________________________________________________
EGO doesn't even come into it, kindness does, the mere fact that you even consider or mention ego shows you are still within your own,
Saying Thanks but no thanks is not pandering or projecting flattery, it ISN'T about THEM its about YOU, everything which we do has actions, repercussions and a knock on effect, you don't get it do you, its about YOU being the best person in which you can possibly be, even at the risk of being offended or wrong doing by another, its holding your head up high and embracing everything which is thrown at you,
what we do is always about US, if you can get the same massage across and still able to have that person feel good about themselves, then you have succeeded this is what's known as having class and decorum, not being so blunt to the point of unkindness, only to then run and hide behind the 'keeping it real' card,
All this is a soul fulfilling prophecy, and to be flattered isn't about whether you synthetically approve or not, again!! its about pure thoughts being the best person you can be, Its about YOU!
I'm talking the everyday fred in the street, not a fruitloop or a rapist... just a guy which is simply not your type, thus unwanted advances
of course you should be flattered, and for you not to be simply suggests that you have still a bit of a way to come, (condescending i do not mean to be)
when are people going to get it, our actions and implications are not about how we tackle the world but how we serve it,
and to do so.. First you have to be genuinely believe you are worthy on the inside, this is where the 'keeping it real' comes in, NEVER mistake kindness for weakness,
in many cases its a lot harder to do, but when u have achieved doing this only then can be at peace with whom you are, thus able to help others, and perhaps even offer constructive criticism, non-the-less you walk through life with a smile on your face and the sun in your heart,
Metaphor, harvesting an intertwined, mass of messy crop which is coming at you only to leave a perfectly pleasing fine track of harmony behind in your quake, glide through life done tackle it leaving hurt and devastation, its not necessary.
Happiness... is when what you think,- what you say,- and what you do... are in harmony
The mere fact that the poster of this thread has broached this subject, regarding the guilt they sometimes feel is testament that the above is not in sync,
IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM... IT'S ABOUT YOU!
I still have a problem with this. If the attention is unwanted why should a women have to feel or project flattery? I don't suggest being rude without reason but why should they have to put a man's ego first and make up an excuse rather than bluntly saying I’m not interested in a relationship?
__________________________________________________________________________
EGO doesn't even come into it, kindness does, the mere fact that you even consider or mention ego shows you are still within your own,
Saying Thanks but no thanks is not pandering or projecting flattery, it ISN'T about THEM its about YOU, everything which we do has actions, repercussions and a knock on effect, you don't get it do you, its about YOU being the best person in which you can possibly be, even at the risk of being offended or wrong doing by another, its holding your head up high and embracing everything which is thrown at you,
what we do is always about US, if you can get the same massage across and still able to have that person feel good about themselves, then you have succeeded this is what's known as having class and decorum, not being so blunt to the point of unkindness, only to then run and hide behind the 'keeping it real' card,
All this is a soul fulfilling prophecy, and to be flattered isn't about whether you synthetically approve or not, again!! its about pure thoughts being the best person you can be, Its about YOU!
I'm talking the everyday fred in the street, not a fruitloop or a rapist... just a guy which is simply not your type, thus unwanted advances
of course you should be flattered, and for you not to be simply suggests that you have still a bit of a way to come, (condescending i do not mean to be)
when are people going to get it, our actions and implications are not about how we tackle the world but how we serve it,
and to do so.. First you have to be genuinely believe you are worthy on the inside, this is where the 'keeping it real' comes in, NEVER mistake kindness for weakness,
in many cases its a lot harder to do, but when u have achieved doing this only then can be at peace with whom you are, thus able to help others, and perhaps even offer constructive criticism, non-the-less you walk through life with a smile on your face and the sun in your heart,
Metaphor, harvesting an intertwined, mass of messy crop which is coming at you only to leave a perfectly pleasing fine track of harmony behind in your quake, glide through life done tackle it leaving hurt and devastation, its not necessary.
Happiness... is when what you think,- what you say,- and what you do... are in harmony
The mere fact that the poster of this thread has broached this subject, regarding the guilt they sometimes feel is testament that the above is not in sync,
IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM... IT'S ABOUT YOU!
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- ♥
- Enneagram
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Hmm, nice dig but I mentioned ego because you did after suggesting making up an excuse for why a woman wouldn’t be interested;
I’m glad you say it doesn’t come into it as I found the thought condescending and likened it to a women who has to dumb herself down to suit a man.
I still disagree women should have to be flattered by unwanted attention, I personally find most guys who go out and try to pull chicks classless and tacky, their attention is not wanted and flattery is not felt. Maybe you’re suggesting this is the approach to take with genuine and respectful guys only in which case there is merit.
I believe the guilt can come from being taught to always be kind and polite to a man even when he doesn’t deserve it, guilt is felt when a women feels she has to go against that.
I’ve found your message in this post very different to your others and I’m glad you say it’s not about men, your first post left me believing you suggested women should pander to a man so he can save face, this post gives a very different perspective.
I do agree the way we treat people should be in-line with projecting our inner values and treating others with respect and kindness are important to me, please don’t presume to understand what I consider important, I was questioning the words you used not you.
^ Quoted again as I completely agree.
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Kwistalline
Permanent Fixture
- MBTI
- INFJ
I still have a problem with this. If the attention is unwanted why should a women have to feel or project flattery? I don't suggest being rude without reason but why should they have to put a man's ego first and make up an excuse rather than bluntly saying I’m not interested in a relationship? From my experience being polite about telling someone to back off has only encouraged them to think they can 'work on me' to get me to change my mind, the only method I've found effective is to clearly state I'm not interested. Honestly I find this the most respectful approach even if their ego is bruised, at least I'm not sending mixed messages.
As for the rest of your post :thumb: I deliberately went to an extreme in my original post cause Kwissy mentioned going against her intuition, I was just trying to make a point is all, I don't support treating anyone badly without reason
I have to agree with lurker on this one. Kyla, how much experience do you have in this department? 'cause I have lots, and let me tell ya what, that's the point of this thread. I am generally thought of as kind and considerate-I'm also perfect stalker material. I can't get my next door neighbor to stop making eyes at me, and I've "nicely" said no many times. The next one will be a definite and firm "absolutely not". It's getting a little scary, honestly. But not bad enough to warrent drastic action (i wish to heaven my intuition was a good enough reason to do background checks, but I think the PD has other ideas. Alas, my poor Ni!)
kylabenson
Newbie
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reply to lurker,
you still dont get it, your comment is all about 'men' if you read mine properly of opose to disecting for means of point scoring, you would see i am talking about life, not 'men' pointless argument now,
you still dont get it, your comment is all about 'men' if you read mine properly of opose to disecting for means of point scoring, you would see i am talking about life, not 'men' pointless argument now,
kylabenson
Newbie
- MBTI
- INFJ/P
evidently non at all, or at least non that i would ever so openly admit to!
oh dear,
this discussion is done,
(worlds apart)
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