[PAX]Falling for a married woman.

[arbygil]

Posts deleted per OPs request - also, PAX tag will be added.

 

[Soulful]

I think May got with Mike when she was at a different point in her life, a point where she wasn't thinking about what she needed out of someone to make it work, she just thought of the fun and such... when the fun wore off and it became a relationship that needed effort (they all do) it seems as though Mike came up short on his duties as a husband. May has a specific medical condition as well, nothing fatal, but it causes complications, one of the side effects of said condition is the possibility of cognitive function dying off over time if its not treated properly.

I thought that may have been the case. I guess what I was wondering about was why she chose to stay in a relationship like that? (Especially considering what I responded to from the next quotation). All relationships do take work but the main concern I feel is that she put up with being treated poorly for 3 years. That sends red flags off in my mind. I'm not sure any amount of relationship work would have changed Mike or that it was May's place or responsibility to change him. I'm not criticizing May or her choices, I only wonder if there is anything about that to consider further and if there is, whether it may affect her, her relationship with Bob, and so on. And the only reason I say this is because if there is something to consider, then it will be to her and their benefit to address it (which they might end up naturally doing overtime anyways). But if that's not the case and I am reading too much into it, then nevermind .

One story she told about Mike is how he keeps turning the oven on when she is finished cooking, then he will say oh you forgot to turn the stove off, youre gonna bur the place down... She isnt stupid, she knows she turned it off, just as you or I would. He does it because he knows she terrified of losing mental capability, and to him it a joke, a really bad bad joke. Thats Mike.

The words emotional abuse ran through my mind. I'm not saying it is, I don't know enough about it to make that kind of a statement, but that scenario rings a bell or sends a flag. Either way, I'm glad she's leaving.

 

[Billy]

every coin has two sides, in this case three. I wish I could have some input from Mike, May and Bob. But then again I recognise myself as to ignorant for this matter, I don't have any experience in this stuff in the least.

Yes, alas they wont ever know of this thread, or website. So you have to go through MEEEEEE!!!! kidding aside I am trying to be as objective here as possible, I need my forum friends here to ask the tough questions, but tough questions are tough because they must be thought about, I dont need people being insulting because they want to mouth off on a situation they dont understand.

I made this thread for people to pose te tough questions, because thats what I need to hear.

I thought that may have been the case. I guess what I was wondering about was why she chose to stay in a relationship like that? (Especially considering what I responded to from the next quotation). All relationships do take work but the main concern I feel is that she put up with being treated poorly for 3 years. That sends red flags off in my mind. I'm not sure any amount of relationship work would have changed Mike or that it was May's place or responsibility to change him. I'm not criticizing May or her choices, I only wonder if there is anything about that to consider further and if there is, whether it may affect her, her relationship with Bob, and so on. And the only reason I say this is because if there is something to consider, then it will be to her and their benefit to address it (which they might end up naturally doing overtime anyways). But if that's not the case and I am reading too much into it, then nevermind .

I REALLY appreciate your questions and commentary Soulful thank you for being awesome. I know a lot of people who ride out bad relationships, and for her I chalk it up to her being youthful when they got together and stupid... I was in a similar situation although maybe not quite as bad... mine lasted 8 years though. And May expressed that divorce to her feels like monumental failure as a person. I felt the exact same way with my ex gf when we split.

 

[Moxie]

You asked for tough questions. Some women (and probably men too) cannot leave a relationship unless they have another lined up. Can May be alone? I'm not saying she should or should not, or casting judgment any way on this - but it is a good thing to know about someone. If she can truly be alone, and likes the company she keeps when alone, and does not NEED a man to fulfill herself, then you know she is probably capable of making the right decisions for herself.

 

[bamf]

You asked for tough questions. Some women (and probably men too) cannot leave a relationship unless they have another lined up. Can May be alone? I'm not saying she should or should not, or casting judgment any way on this - but it is a good thing to know about someone. If she can truly be alone, and likes the company she keeps when alone, and does not NEED a man to fulfill herself, then you know she is probably capable of making the right decisions for herself.

^^^This^^^
It's an important thing for Bob to know in this situation. Is it 'for real' or is he just the next relationship lined up so Mary can get ride of Mike? Has Mary in the past jumped from relationship to relationship? If so, is Bob willing to risk it? Also, if she has, is Bob comfortable knowing that May possibly could be looking for a new relationship, while Bob and Mary are together (if they get together), if things potentially got bad? Not saying that it would happen, but if she jumps from relationship to relationship, it's probably an important question for Bob to ask.

 

[Billy]

You asked for tough questions. Some women (and probably men too) cannot leave a relationship unless they have another lined up. Can May be alone? I'm not saying she should or should not, or casting judgment any way on this - but it is a good thing to know about someone. If she can truly be alone, and likes the company she keeps when alone, and does not NEED a man to fulfill herself, then you know she is probably capable of making the right decisions for herself.

May is an introvert, she likes personal space and doesn't need to be in a relationship, shes gone years being single before... so I don't think that is an issue in this case, although I do appreciate it being raised because I hadn't thought of that. When she talks to Bob she insists that he needs to know that as much as she wants to be close and connected, she also needs personal space at times and time to be herself alone. Bob understands that, he is the same way.

^^^This^^^
It's an important thing for Bob to know in this situation. Is it 'for real' or is he just the next relationship lined up so Mary can get ride of Mike? Has Mary in the past jumped from relationship to relationship? If so, is Bob willing to risk it? Also, if she has, is Bob comfortable knowing that May possibly could be looking for a new relationship, while Bob and Mary are together (if they get together), if things potentially got bad? Not saying that it would happen, but if she jumps from relationship to relationship, it's probably an important question for Bob to ask.

its for real.

 

[Tulip]

Are you "Bob"?

:typing:

 

[Billy]

Are you "Bob"?

:typing:

What do you think?

 

[Tulip]

My intuition tells me that you are Bob.

 

[Trifoilum]

Does May know what she wants? Not a view of others, ("I think she wants X..., I can see she only wants"), but a view of her own.
Does Bob know that? Does Mike know that?
And then, what differs from Bob and Mike?

I am pretty clueless here as per what am I supposed to do so I decided to ask question to give more depth.

Identity nonwithstanding, you seem to be very biased towards Bob -and- May, tho. Aside from you, does any other third party know her situation, now that she's kicking Mike from her life?

 

[christmas]

May said that whe she told Mike she needed time to think and that he should move back with his parents he was completely emotionless and said "ok, no problem take all the time you need" she was very angry, "Im not even worth a fight? not worth a single point of contention?"

So Mike is going on Tuesday, she just wants him to get out so she can change the locks and work on how to tell him its completely over.

At this point May and Bob are in love.

Mike is going away.

And the logistical planning of how to get together is underway...

The first part of the quote is what concerns me a little. Why did May want Mike to put up a fight when she kicked him out? Why did she "want time" when she'd already made up her mind that she was leaving? I mean I'm the first person to question things when they are going a little too well, but really, May couldn't have asked for a better way out of her marriage. What did she want, an episode of Cops on her front lawn? That smells a little like drama queen, but I'm just giving my two cents. I don't know May at all. Maybe I'm just reading that wrong. I'm just sayin' that's the first thing that struck me as odd.

How does Bob know for sure that he isn't rebound guy? I'm gonna go out on a limb and label May as a P. There's no doubt in my mind that there's magic between Bob and May, but May is going through a divorce right now. What she needs the most right now is a confidant. Is Bob an INFJ? I think it is almost impossible for Bob to be objective when he is in love with May. Would it be possible for there to be a complete cool of period where May could get herself together? Take a mini vacation (no Bob), spend some alone time doing a hobby she's neglected (without Bob), maybe visit some family (alone)? Maybe she would consider calling an old girlfriend or yes, even seeking professional help? Divorce is tough, and May does need a shoulder to cry on. I'm pretty certain that not should be Bob.

Bob really needs to protect his heart right now.

 

[Solongo]

The first part of the quote is what concerns me a little. Why did May want Mike to put up a fight when she kicked him out? Why did she "want time" when she'd already made up her mind that she was leaving? I mean I'm the first person to question things when they are going a little too well, but really, May couldn't have asked for a better way out of her marriage. What did she want, an episode of Cops on her front lawn? That smells a little like drama queen, but I'm just giving my two cents. I don't know May at all. Maybe I'm just reading that wrong. I'm just sayin' that's the first thing that struck me as odd.

How does Bob know for sure that he isn't rebound guy? I'm gonna go out on a limb and label May as a P. There's no doubt in my mind that there's magic between Bob and May, but May is going through a divorce right now. What she needs the most right now is a confidant. Is Bob an INFJ? I think it is almost impossible for Bob to be objective when he is in love with May. Would it be possible for there to be a complete cool of period where May could get herself together? Take a mini vacation (no Bob), spend some alone time doing a hobby she's neglected (without Bob), maybe visit some family (alone)? Maybe she would consider calling an old girlfriend or yes, even seeking professional help? Divorce is tough, and May does need a shoulder to cry on. I'm pretty certain that not should be Bob.

Bob really needs to protect his heart right now.

You make great points Christmas. But May is already tempted by Bob and she sees it as an escape and it justifies everything that is wrong and challenging in her marriage. It's a little too late as she sounds like she made up her mind already to not save her marriage. Because the grass always looks greener on the other side until she steps into it and then realize she is back at the same place again.

This has red flags all over it and i'll refrain from commenting any further as Bob is quite defensive in his ideas and actions regarding this situation.

 

[Billy]

The first part of the quote is what concerns me a little. Why did May want Mike to put up a fight when she kicked him out? Why did she "want time" when she'd already made up her mind that she was leaving? I mean I'm the first person to question things when they are going a little too well, but really, May couldn't have asked for a better way out of her marriage. What did she want, an episode of Cops on her front lawn? That smells a little like drama queen, but I'm just giving my two cents. I don't know May at all. Maybe I'm just reading that wrong. I'm just sayin' that's the first thing that struck me as odd.

I can completely understand why she'd be hurt, have you ever loved someone to find them completely cold and hard in the end? I have, you bang your heart against them for a long time until you get tired of it, then you move on. I would be hurt too if the woman who I loved and who I thought loved me wouldnt even put up a fight when I told her I was leaving her and just was fine with me leaving... Not because I was soooo in love still, but because I thought I was worth at least an argument, and knowing that I wasnt, well... you get the point.

She needs time because she makes about 5X more money then he does, and he would be well within his rights to want a shitload of alimony when they split. And there are a lot of legal issues to go through just yet in order to get divorced. She said she is also moving money around to secure her freedom. Your questions are valid, and as I said the OP I glossed over a LOT of stuff that is actually there, but I figured instead of writing a 20 page essay I would knock the questions out as they came up to see if there was one that could really stump me, so far there hasnt been. There has been a bit of judgementalism, what can I expect, fuckin INFJs... but there has been some honest questions and dialogue which I appreciate, and I am well aware that any answer I give will label me "defensive" of course I am defensive when someone is judging without the facts, and didn't even give a fuck to find out. Especially someone who I thought was a friend.

How does Bob know for sure that he isn't rebound guy? I'm gonna go out on a limb and label May as a P. There's no doubt in my mind that there's magic between Bob and May, but May is going through a divorce right now. What she needs the most right now is a confidant. Is Bob an INFJ? I think it is almost impossible for Bob to be objective when he is in love with May. Would it be possible for there to be a complete cool of period where May could get herself together? Take a mini vacation (no Bob), spend some alone time doing a hobby she's neglected (without Bob), maybe visit some family (alone)? Maybe she would consider calling an old girlfriend or yes, even seeking professional help? Divorce is tough, and May does need a shoulder to cry on. I'm pretty certain that not should be Bob.

Guess thats just the risk Bob takes... Bob is a big boy and had his heart broken again, he has weighed the situation in his head time and time again and given his recent revelations about his own nature has decided that he would rather take the risk and get his heart broken again then to ever live in fear of finding love in what SOME people might consider bad situations... fuck that fear, love is love. As I suspected no one can offer me a real reason that woud actually resonate with Bob as to why its so horrible...

As for May, she has her shit together, she is quite independent and very capable. She has lived alone for a long time in Alaska, Tennessee, England, all around the world, she is a very strong woman. She is also highly pragmatic, May is an INTJ with a wicked IQ, I think the reason why Bob and May are getting along so well is not just because May needs an out, may was getting divorced regardless of her and Bobs romance, Bob was just a helpful catalyst (her words) to choose her own personal happiness instead of remaining shackled to a complete sensor who is incapable of understanding her complex nature.

May is coming to the US in June, she IS going to see Bob, in New Orleans but she is taking a week or two with her family 1st. She has been speaking to her family a lot lately even though she hadnt for years.

And not everyone who gets divorced is crushed, May certainly isnt. Then again, Bob can relate, when he split with his ex it was years after the love had disappeared, and he only held on because of a fear of breaking a commitment and hurting someone, Bob was biding his time for years before he was able to get away from such an unhealthy relationship, Bob sees the similarities in Mays case. But of course bob is defensive and unobjective, he must be a real dumbshit completely unaware of whats around him. Or maybe he will end up happy, very happy... that seems worth the risk.

Bob really needs to protect his heart right now.

Bob is a big boy. He would rather stop protecting himself now, he has done that for a while and it has been to a detriment. It lead him down some dark places. Bob thinks risks are worth it, he thinks that May is worth the risk. He is tired of doing the same dance with her he has for 10 years and now he wants to see whats up.

 

[Billy]

You make great points Christmas. But May is already tempted by Bob and she sees it as an escape and it justifies everything that is wrong and challenging in her marriage. It's a little too late as she sounds like she made up her mind already to not save her marriage. Because the grass always looks greener on the other side until she steps into it and then realize she is back at the same place again.

This has red flags all over it and i'll refrain from commenting any further as Bob is quite defensive in his ideas and actions regarding this situation.

If you were throwing darts right now, they'd be in the ceiling fan, one in some dudes back and one in someones beer mug.

 

[Soulful]

I REALLY appreciate your questions and commentary Soulful thank you for being awesome. I know a lot of people who ride out bad relationships, and for her I chalk it up to her being youthful when they got together and stupid...

You're welcome . Sorry if I didn't fully understand earlier but thought I did.. Either way, I'm glad if things are figured out on that end.

I was in a similar situation although maybe not quite as bad... mine lasted 8 years though. And May expressed that divorce to her feels like monumental failure as a person. I felt the exact same way with my ex gf when we split.

I feel for anyone in that situation, no doubt I would feel the same way. But I think it takes A LOT of strength and courage to admit that something isn't working and then be willing to change it. Divorce can be especially hard because of the resulting label, and yet May's going ahead and doing it. I think that speaks volumes about who we are and what we're made of.