Post Dating Friendship

Sorry to hear Eh18, it sucks doubly hard when you lose your partner and a good friend in one hit but like others have said it doesn
 
I stayed friends with an ex after an agonizing break-up. This is done by changing the nature of the communication. At the point it is decided that it is not an intimate relationship, that is the point when the personal discussions end. It worked to stay friends by watching funny movies together, hanging out in a group instead of one-on-one. It is possible, but the boundaries typically change and no longer have overtones of intimacy whether emotional or physical. It is possible to still laugh together and be there for them if there is some kind of crises, but mostly avoid the personal stuff.
 
I am friend with all of my exes except my ex-husband.

I am able to get over someone pretty quickly. I realize we are not together and trying to get back together is a mistake. I remember good times and I let it go.

I analyze why and if I was being unreasonable and any flaws that caused the relationship to end, I store that away so I can try not to do that again. I don't try to rebound with them and I don't try to contact through my grieving period. I let it go.

When I am done and happy being single I will probably see them. All of my friends are into group activities like picnics and camping, themed events so I will see them during these things and we are casual and have fun in large group activities.

I would not do one on one for a while until you are both actually just friends.

I am now in a weird place where I am "hanging out" with my most recent ex. We are having just as much fun and it is like our relationship just needed a break after he found out I was pregnant.

My ex from before him is still in love with me. I find this a bit awkward and yes I keep my distance because he needs it and I am not going to put myself in a situation where I have to feel bad because of his feelings. I hope he works through it.

Mostly keeping things casual and not one on one would probably help.
 
I find myself wondering if INFJs due to the depth of their attachment and how hard it is for them to meet new people are particularly at risk for losing a friend they need (rather than want) as well as their partner during a breakup because of their naturally smaller support networks.
 
i have tried to remain friends with one of my exes, but it doesn't quite resemble a friendship as it is too polite. it is based on mutual respect and non-intrusion. occasionally, when we do talk or meet, we can even engage in deep conversations. neither of us takes the initiative to actively keep the friendship on its feet. instead, it is simply a given that we are on good terms when we do interact, that we do not participate in each other's lives while remaining friends. does that make sense?
 
Dutch Cake said:
I am friend with all of my exes except my ex-husband.

I am able to get over someone pretty quickly. I realize we are not together and trying to get back together is a mistake. I remember good times and I let it go.

I analyze why and if I was being unreasonable and any flaws that caused the relationship to end, I store that away so I can try not to do that again. I don't try to rebound with them and I don't try to contact through my grieving period. I let it go.
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That's exactly how I am after a breakup. I've never been in one of those "off again, on again" relationships. If I'm going to break up with you, it's for a very good reason that means we have no business being together. I keep that tucked away, so that if I see that my feelings for them start to show again I know why those feelings need to just go away.
 
Eh18 said:
Now, big surprise, our friendship isn't doing so well. Every time we talk it ends up being an argument. I've been told I need to cut her out of my life and move on, but I just can't seem to do that. I need her. Accepting we'll never be together, was the hardest thing I've ever had to come to terms with. I want to be her friend, but I feel like I'm doing a shitty job, because I feel like I'm bringing her down all the time, or pissing her off.

Have any of you had positive experiences remaining friends with an ex?
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Let her go, I say (as in, cut her out of your life). You can't still be friends while still being in love with her, because you'll always be sending signals that you want to be more than friends (even if you aren't aware of it). You have to seperate yourself from her until the feelings ebb away, then you can probably try friends again. But this could take YEARS, especially since you two were together for so long.

As for your question, I've not ever gotten back to "friend" status with an ex, but after the pain and love for them ebbed away, I found myself able to communicate on an acquaintance level.

I think friendship after dating, for me anyway and maybe for you, really only works out well if both parties agreed things just weren't working and it's best to just end it. Or breaking up in a way that is not going to cause either person to demonise the other because they're hurting so much. Of course you're going to grieve over the loss of the relationship, but sometimes, the shift from one mode to the other is more natural.

Then again, I think people who can compartmentalise their relationships have better success at friends after dating in most situations. I cannot, so I don't expect myself to have too much success.

Also, you don't NEED her. You should never NEED anyone, but you should definitely WANT them. Needing someone places unneccessary pressure on the other person to constantly provide for you. Most people don't sign up for that when they enter a relationship.
 
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CoffeeShopDiva said:
What she said :P I'm not friends with any of my exs. I have purposely cut them out of my life, and I feel MUCH better in doing so.
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Thirding that!

And unfortunately agreeing that you need a LOT of time in order to have a chance at being friends later... and believe me I know that a year seems like a hell of a long time (my first ex pretty much told me that's the amount of time he needed before we could be friends, and it broke my heart all over again)... but it was absolutely the right thing for both of us. I'm not entirely sure it's possible to be truly platonic friends with someone you've been so intimate with for a long time, even after a year or so of no contact... but I dont think you have even a shot at that without at least that much time.
 
I think I disagree with most of what has been stated. While I haven't really "dated" anyone per se, I've had my share of crushes and feel fairly well acquainted with the feelings described in the original post. For one, I also do not get over people quickly. Yet, I've had only one friendship fall apart on me, and I've always thought that was far more painful than any degree of awkwardness I've had to suffer through in similar situations. And I was way more into the friends I still have than the one I lost. I don't think cutting my closest friends out of my life is the way to go. (Years at a time? No. The most awkwardness I've ever had to endure was a whopping three months. I was lucky enough to have someone tell me that it's only as awkward as I make it. Thus far, I've found that statement to be accurate.)

As for the ever-strengthening feelings, I found myself repeatedly thinking "Love her more, like her less(romantically)." And I don't think those two imperatives are mutually exclusive. As I use the words, Love and "in love" are very different. While my opinion is probably not one that is too popularly held, I tend to think that love in a romantic relationship and love in a friendship are exactly the same thing. Love is constant and unchanging. Love is love is love is love.(I cringe whenever I hear or read the phrase "More than friends." Similarly with "Just friends." As if friends aren't something spectacular to have around you. Let's not sell short the value of our friendships, okay? Actually, in our society today, I think that love in friendship is much more common than love in romance is, where selfish feelings are far more likely to get in the way.) "In love" is an emotion and therefore highly volatile. The nice thing that I found is that the changeable romantic emotion can serve as a motivator to learn how to actually love the person, at which point the love itself continues to fuel the desire to love, and the "in love" romantic emotion no longer seems so important. Additionally, love is fundamentally unselfish(I Corinthians 13 actually gives a pretty good list of what I think love isn't, i.e., isn't selfish, isn't jealous, etc. ), so I found it to be a great help in reducing my own romantic desires, or at least the pain that tended to arise from them. In the words of Mother Teresa, "If you love until it hurts, you'll find there is no more hurt, only more love."
I don't think that such feelings are even necessarily a bad thing. There's a certain amount of friendly affection I feel even for the friends I'm not in love with. I really like being around my friends. All of them. They're my friends. And so are most of my previous crushes, even though they all know I've been in love with them before. And I still love them dearly. Again, they're still my friends, after all, so why on earth shouldn't I be trying to love them? I'm just as close to them now as I was before, so I see no reason at all to shut them out of my life.

This is a lot to try to express in my first post ever to this forum, and like any well-trained perfectionist, I feel that I was not quite as successful as I would like in explaining all the subtleties and intricacies of my thought processes and emotional experiences (or in giving my hastily written paragraphs as much structure and flow as I would like), but with all the intuitives on this forum, maybe someone will be able to grasp the edges of my meaning. Just thought I'd throw my two cents in, as someone who firmly believes in the value of maintaining friendships, and has had some success in doing so.
 
Loner - That's great that you love your friends that way. Everyone should and I think that's where a lot of people have trouble in friendships. The descriptions of what love isn't from Corinthians is right-on in any relationship and I wish more people would realize that. But, you might find your opinion/feelings will change once you are in a committed, serious romantic relationship. Things are so very different, especially between a crush and a real love. Though, I am a FIRM believer that if you couldn't be best friends with your SO, then you shouldn't be together in the first place. Friendship is the foundation on which a successful romantic relationship should be built. But, giving yourself over to your spouse or child is far different from giving yourself over to a platonic friend. It doesn't mean you love your friends less, but you definitely have a far different connection/commitment to them.

I hope that doesn't put a darker spin on your feelings. I think your post was pretty great and you have some wonderful insight for someone that hasn't been in a serious romantic relationship. You have some very lucky friends.
 
I'll agree that I'm not friends with any of my exes. Also, most of the literature on the subject recommends that someone wait at least one year before trying such a thing.



Eniko said:
I find myself wondering if INFJs, due to the depth of their attachment and how hard it is for them to meet new people, are particularly at risk for losing a friend they need (rather than want) as well as their partner during a breakup because of their naturally smaller support networks. [commas added for clarity.]
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I concur with this statement. My last girlfriend was the only confidant I had at the time. I didn't start recovering from that loss for a year.
 
I have never been successful in remaining friends with my exes. I think it's because initially, the pain and grief over the end of the relationship is so strong I can't take being in contact with them, and then by the time I'm ready to be in contact (and it takes a while - I process slowly), so much time has passed that reestablishing contact seems very awkward, and I shy away from it.

I guess there's only one of my exes that I ever really wanted to stay friends with, despite the awkwardness of reestablishing contact. I felt like she understood me on a deeper level than any of my other significant girlfriends (maybe she didn't, but I felt like she did, and that was important to me). We did reestablish contact briefly, with some initial success, but after a few emails she cut me off for good. :(
 
WickedPod said:
Loner - That's great that you love your friends that way. Everyone should and I think that's where a lot of people have trouble in friendships. The descriptions of what love isn't from Corinthians is right-on in any relationship and I wish more people would realize that. But, you might find your opinion/feelings will change once you are in a committed, serious romantic relationship. Things are so very different, especially between a crush and a real love. Though, I am a FIRM believer that if you couldn't be best friends with your SO, then you shouldn't be together in the first place. Friendship is the foundation on which a successful romantic relationship should be built. But, giving yourself over to your spouse or child is far different from giving yourself over to a platonic friend. It doesn't mean you love your friends less, but you definitely have a far different connection/commitment to them.

I hope that doesn't put a darker spin on your feelings. I think your post was pretty great and you have some wonderful insight for someone that hasn't been in a serious romantic relationship. You have some very lucky friends.
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I have to agree with WP. infjloner's post was excellent and shows such depth of love towards friends. I also agree that that there is actually a difference between love in romantic and platonic relationships. A romantic relationship should always be built on strong friendship but while love is love, there is an intimacy/connection and shared future in a commited romantic relationship that can never fully develop in a platonic friendship (even if the potential is there). This is hard to know before having experienced a serious relationship.
 
Not only can I not remain friends with an ex, but I don't think it's appropriate once you're in a new relationship. Just my opinion, of course.
 
Final said:
How so?
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You shouldn't maintain relationships with people you've previously been intimate with once you're seeing someone new. It's just, IMO, the way it should be. It can be too complicated and cause too many unnecessary problems.

With that said, I don't remain friends with exes anyway, because if we still got along that well, we wouldn't have ended the relationship to begin with.
 
secretsmile said:
You shouldn't maintain relationships with people you've previously been intimate with once you're seeing someone new. It's just, IMO, the way it should be. It can be too complicated and cause too many unnecessary problems.

With that said, I don't remain friends with exes anyway, because if we still got along that well, we wouldn't have ended the relationship to begin with.
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...and how would you feel if your significant other was friends with an ex? What if they had gotten over the complications and unnecessary problems (which does happen)?
 
Final said:
...and how would you feel if your significant other was friends with an ex? What if they had gotten over the complications and unnecessary problems (which does happen)?
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It wouldn't be acceptable for the mere fact that intimate relations have occurred between the two people in the past. I say this for myself and my own relationship. If other people in their own relationships are fine with that, it's not like I'm going to judge them. Everyone has a different comfort level about these types of things and different boundaries with their SO.

I'm married, heh. I AM my husband's first serious relationship anyway, so there is virtually no problem with this in our marriage. He doesn't [by his own choice] associate with the girls he had short relationships with in the past. :) I don't associate with my exes. No desire to do so on his part or mine.
 
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