Reaching out to people

subwayrider

subwayrider

Into the White
MBTI
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
Anyone else have trouble maintaining friendships? I personally don't like dealing with people's bullshit, and find most those I meet IRL to be pretty dull anyway. A lot of my "friendships" used to be based on shared drug use, and now that I've quit the partying/drinking/smoking scene, I feel like I have nothing in common with those people anymore. I don't think there ever was much of a connection there, but i felt I needed drugs at the time to cover up things I didn't like about my life, and I didn't want to do them by myself.

It's the bullshit, the drama, and the lack of stimulation that make it hard for me to form and maintain friendships. Mostly the stimulation though.
 
I just don't like chasing after people or appearing desperate. I'll return phone calls and emails but if they drop the ball and don't respond, chances are I won't call/message them back. Yeah, lost a lot of friends that way, but hey... if they didn't want my company, they weren't really friends to begin with!

I also had the same problem when I quit that party scene too, although it happened later in my life. A lot of people I meet now are just... well... dull :( On the other hand, the "party" people think I'm dull. I'm kind of stuck in limbo between the two worlds and not really fitting in with either.
 
I've fallen into that before. Tried drugs out of curiosity rather than blocking things though. I have an addictive personality (is that the right term?) and didn't want to become an addict...so I just tried certain drugs once/twice..only live once eh? I already smoke as is, which is a bad habit I can't break...don't want to break it right now either really. I did drink heavily in the past though, to numb out everything. My ex husband is the one who opened my eyes to my destructive ways. I thank him for that.

The way I see it, is certain people are right for you in a certain point in life, but as we grow on all levels, we will take different paths. Some will stay, some will go. Sometimes you need that outgoing, impulsive friend... other times you may need someone to relate to on a deeper level.. and so on. I stay in contact with all of them, but I relate to everyone in a different way. There are only a select few that I can relate to on all levels. I moved around alot, so I never really had friendships where I had to meet them on a regular basis, etc... I've always admired people who lived in one area all their lives and got to maintain life long friendships(as in seeing them regularly). But at the same time, I can't stay in one place for long... its just not in me. Must explore the world...
 
Yeah, I've never really had a steady group of friends. Always people coming and going with a couple of exceptions. I can't tell if it's because I push people away or if I'm just very fickle and stop having common interests with people.
 
Honestly, no. Shallow relationships based on nothing more than being in the class, city, state, etc... Yes. I only put effort into the friendships I deam worth it and that has gotten me a few very good friends in a few states that I can always turn to if I need to. Also I find that if I don't mind exposing myself a little and going out of my shel,l it results in people I would like, naturally gravitating to me. By expressing my inner self for others to see they come to me to talk and then we find we have some actual connection outside of the shallow things. If it never moves beyond that shallow fun, I get bored and move on. There is too many amazing people in this world to continue beating a "dead horse" for lack of a better word. If people only want to drink and have fun then great, I am happy that they are happy with that but my definition of fun is slightly different and so I am not going to push them to be somebody they are not. I will hang out with them now and again but that's it.
 
No, the "maintenance" part has to be equally distributed between both parties. If you understand this concept, the relationship will naturally do what is intended. I have no regrets of friendships that didn't work out ... a bit of hurt, yes ... but no regret.

I think it's easier to make friends around my age. People tend to be more comfortable about themselves and look to friendship for true companionship ... not for someone to stroke their ego. There is bullshit out there, just less of it.
 
I feel like the people who give a hoot will make effort to help maintain the relationship when I withdraw into seclusion. If they're okay letting the relationship drop off, then I am too. I'm not going to vie for extra attention, and after a few attempts to hang out, I will stop asking. I figure people will make time for you if they consider you a priority. As long as I have a couple trusted confidants at any given time, I'm cool. New will slide in place of old. Some things aren't built to last. It takes two, and some people aren't into work.
 
subwayrider said:
Anyone else have trouble maintaining friendships? I personally don't like dealing with people's bullshit, and find most those I meet IRL to be pretty dull anyway. A lot of my "friendships" used to be based on shared drug use, and now that I've quit the partying/drinking/smoking scene, I feel like I have nothing in common with those people anymore. I don't think there ever was much of a connection there, but i felt I needed drugs at the time to cover up things I didn't like about my life, and I didn't want to do them by myself.

It's the bullshit, the drama, and the lack of stimulation that make it hard for me to form and maintain friendships. Mostly the stimulation though.
Click to expand...

So is it the party crowd that you have trouble reaching out to (which makes perfect sense considering what you just said), or people in general?
 
eloquent_leo said:
The way I see it, is certain people are right for you in a certain point in life, but as we grow on all levels, we will take different paths. Some will stay, some will go. Sometimes you need that outgoing, impulsive friend... other times you may need someone to relate to on a deeper level.. and so on. I stay in contact with all of them, but I relate to everyone in a different way. There are only a select few that I can relate to on all levels. I moved around alot, so I never really had friendships where I had to meet them on a regular basis, etc... I've always admired people who lived in one area all their lives and got to maintain life long friendships(as in seeing them regularly). But at the same time, I can't stay in one place for long... its just not in me. Must explore the world...
Click to expand...

Yeah, I've never thought about it too much before but this is how it's seemed to be for me too.

I don't make a large effort to reach out to people if they don't reach out to me, because I do have a circle of close friends already. I'm also used to making friends who are a little clingy, which has made me socially lazy in the long run. :)

I'm the type of person who can get along with and relate to pretty much anyone though, and I'm easy to satisfy in that respect. It's not that I dislike reaching out or find it hard, it's just that I'm lazy lol.
 
I've got a big pool of "drinking buddies" that I can call up depending on the type of people I want to hang out with at any given time. I do not have many close relationships though, and I understand how it can be draining. It takes a lot for me to let people see every aspect of me, but those that I trust enough are the couple of people that I value more than anything. They're out there, but it can be damn hard at times to find them.
 
maybe you are just moving on in life. there are definitely awesome people to meet out there. remember there is bullshit about everyone, we all have our flaws and less desirable qualities!
 
[MENTION=2434]Black Sheep[/MENTION]

It's not the party crowd; it's people in general-- though I have nothing in common with the party crowd. Every party I've been to has been chock-full of sex-obsessed dumb-asses. The last few I went to made me seriously depressed for some time because it showed me what so many people are actually like. It just made me sick.
What I was trying to say was that most people I meet, wherever I meet them, don't really stimulate me so I'm not very motivated to pursue a friendship. I've hung out one-on-one with a few of the people I knew from the parties and without the drugs, it was just really dull. All they would talk about was "such and such has a nice ass" or "hey I've got a fat purple crystally nug!(weed reference)"
Anyway, there are quite a few people in my science classes that I feel I'd identify with if given time. I actually enjoy talking to them, because they seem like nice people. I'm sure I'll be able to meet people with common interests there if I keep attending (which I will). I'm just glad I found science, because I didn't know what to do with myself before that.
What are your thoughts on the thread subject?
 
I can count my friends with one hand. It's super easy for anyone to become my aquaintence, but it takes someone many years to become my friend. 0nce they are a friend, they are a friend forever. I still talk with my friend from kindergarten, one from junior high, one frome highschool, a former boyfriend, my old kung fu teacher. What is sad is that most of my adult life, because my income was low, I was forced to move an awful lot (oh my poor kids!), which meant that for a couple decades I was never in one place long enough to form friendships. That is one of the reasons I told my brother, "The next time you move me it will be to the mortuary." :D

BTW all my friends have serious personality problems: one can't stop talking and seldom listens, one is a born againer who thinks I'm going to hell, etc. They are my friends because they know who I am and still enjoy being around me; I can trust them. If you will only be friends with perfect people, you will sadly remain without friends. The trick is knowing that some flaws you can put up with, and some flaws just drive you too batty -- you chose people that even if they never change, you can live with them.
 
Last edited:
subwayrider said:
@Black Sheep

It's not the party crowd; it's people in general-- though I have nothing in common with the party crowd. Every party I've been to has been chock-full of sex-obsessed dumb-asses. The last few I went to made me seriously depressed for some time because it showed me what so many people are actually like. It just made me sick.
What I was trying to say was that most people I meet, wherever I meet them, don't really stimulate me so I'm not very motivated to pursue a friendship. I've hung out one-on-one with a few of the people I knew from the parties and without the drugs, it was just really dull. All they would talk about was "such and such has a nice ass" or "hey I've got a fat purple crystally nug!(weed reference)"
Anyway, there are quite a few people in my science classes that I feel I'd identify with if given time. I actually enjoy talking to them, because they seem like nice people. I'm sure I'll be able to meet people with common interests there if I keep attending (which I will). I'm just glad I found science, because I didn't know what to do with myself before that.
What are your thoughts on the thread subject?
Click to expand...

I guess all I can say is that in my time I've been quite surprised by many people who I *had initially written of as automatons. And, sometimes not so much. You may be surprised what unique and admirable qualities may be uncovered in people, but that can depend a lot upon the context in which you meet them.
 
Last edited:
[MENTION=2434]Black Sheep[/MENTION]

That is true. I've gotten quite accustomed as of late to judging people right off the bat, and not bothering to give them much a chance beyond that. I judge people on things they say, what they look like, and other things that might seem insignificant to many. I know INFJs are quite keen at seeing the essence of a person this way, but maybe I should give it a rest already.
What is your avatar supposed to be? It looks like a friendly Aku (from Samurai Jack).
 
subwayrider said:
Anyway, there are quite a few people in my science classes that I feel I'd identify with if given time. I actually enjoy talking to them, because they seem like nice people. I'm sure I'll be able to meet people with common interests there if I keep attending (which I will). I'm just glad I found science, because I didn't know what to do with myself before that.
What are your thoughts on the thread subject?
Click to expand...

See, not everyone is like that (the type you dont like much)!

subwayrider said:
That is true. I've gotten quite accustomed as of late to judging people right off the bat, and not bothering to give them much a chance beyond that. I judge people on things they say, what they look like, and other things that might seem insignificant to many. I know INFJs are quite keen at seeing the essence of a person this way, but maybe I should give it a rest already.
Click to expand...

Ya you should
 
stop judging me! ahhh
how is [MENTION=3998]niffer[/MENTION] doing on this finest of nights?
 
Good, u?

y u no message on profile?? why always write in thread??

y_u_no_guy_postcard-p239376220101136073qibm_400.jpg
 
haha

umm idk.

Not too bad. I got a lot done today. If I don't get a lot done on a given day, I feel like crap. I must be a robot-- only with a heart. I think.
 
subwayrider said:
haha

umm idk.

Not too bad. I got a lot done today. If I don't get a lot done on a given day, I feel like crap. I must be a robot-- only with a heart. I think.
Click to expand...

Oh that's good. :) I usually feel like that too.. if I'm not productive, or having a lot of fun, or at least relaxing productively, I feel like I'm wasting my day and it makes me so anxious heh. Hopefully you've been doing good in other aspects of life too?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top