Relationship Advice - Longdistance with ISTJ

Cerce

Cerce

Regular Poster
MBTI
INFJ
Enneagram
Type 6/Wing 5
Alright, fellas. I know I just joined today, but I'm really needing a bit of help. Well, more than a bit of help. A lot of help.

*Phew* Where to begin... Alright. Some time ago, I entered into a longdistance relationship with a beautiful young woman from Poland (who later took the Jung Typology test and was positive for ISTJ). We're both out of school and attending College with our own jobs. Things were going very well at a relatively decent pace until, one night she really opened up to me.

She told me a lot of personal things, including the death of many members of her family, as well as her account of being molested. I'm not going to get much into details... Anyways, after consoling her, and promising not to leave her like all these other men have, she said she loved me. Now, I honestly can't stop thinking about her, bordering obsession. I've even started writing poetry again. It's like there's some pressure inside of my chest - not on top of, but literally inside - tugging at me. Hell, I've even looked up prices for a ticket to Poland.

Is... is this normal? Am I going insane, or what?
 
I also tested istj positive. :(

I think it is normal to become obsessed when you break open the seemingly unopenable. Don't fall for her, she'll only break your heart.
 
What brings you to make that statement? It's not set in stone. As strange as this still is to me, I'm not just going to give up because she might break my heart. I'm just wondering if this is normal, or if I should reign all of this in.
 
Think about the dynamics of how your relationship with this woman is starting because this can be the foundation for many years to come. Is it healthy for both of you. Sometimes what inspires our creativity isn't necessarily what's good for us. Look at van Gogh and Gauguin. Sometimes it's wonderful to leap before we think. Other times it's best to think before we leap. Knowing the difference is what changes the direction of our lives. Slow down, take time to get to know each other. Relationships are like a fine wine or a slow cooked stew - they take time to get better. Take your time.
 
What is the question here, exactly? Are you asking if its normal to write poetry and seriously contemplate visiting someone you've fallen head over heels with? Or are you asking if you think its a good idea that you should get a ticket to Poland and visit her? I'm a little unclear what the issue is here.
 
TheDaringHatTrick said:
What is the question here, exactly? Are you asking if its normal to write poetry and seriously contemplate visiting someone you've fallen head over heels with? Or are you asking if you think its a good idea that you should get a ticket to Poland and visit her? I'm a little unclear what the issue is here.
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I'm.. honestly, confused myself, [MENTION=1360]TheDaringHatTrick[/MENTION] . I don't know what to ask, or what to want. I'm just trying to gauge if this is all normal, this wanting/needing/tugging. I mean, it's not lust, but it's weird, and quite honestly, freaking me out. I don't quite know how else to describe it.

And... kind of on a related thing, I just wanted to know if our two types are possibly compatable. I know any two types can make it if they love each other - but I was just hoping to get a glimpse of what to expect, beyond that of just what's available on Humanetrics and the Personality Page websites.
 
Cerce said:
I'm.. honestly, confused myself, @TheDaringHatTrick . I don't know what to ask, or what to want. I'm just trying to gauge if this is all normal, this wanting/needing/tugging. I mean, it's not lust, but it's weird, and quite honestly, freaking me out. I don't quite know how else to describe it.

And... kind of on a related thing, I just wanted to know if our two types are possibly compatable. I know any two types can make it if they love each other - but I was just hoping to get a glimpse of what to expect, beyond that of just what's available on Humanetrics and the Personality Page websites.
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Yes, it is normal to feel what you're feeling when you really, really like someone. Especially when you're as young as you are (and I do not mean this condescendingly; I've just observed that our emotions tend to be much more intense when we're in our late teens and early twenties). It's normal to want to be with them and daydream about what it would be like to spend your days and nights together. It's normal to walk around with butterflies in your stomach all day and think about them every chance you get; what they're doing, how they're feeling; if they're thinking the same about you. When they're across the seas, it's also normal to entertain what it would be like to visit them. It's part of the infatuation stage and it's actually not uncommon to start idealizing the object of your affection this way.

Keep in mind, though, because you two never met in person, it's likely that you might be doing more than the usual bit of idealizing. I think the other posters here have the right idea: take things slow. Don't rush things in this relationship. I'm not saying to stop talking to this girl or anything, just to let things play out for a bit and get to know her a bit more before you fly the coop. I know we Polish ladies are irresistible but it's important to keep things in perspective and let the emotional dust settle before we do anything drastic in an online, long-distance relationship. They can work (there are few members on the forum here that met this way) but they also come with their share of pitfalls too. Take it easy and gauge things.

As for whether or not such and such types are compatible, ehhhh... I personally wouldn't base something as soulful and important as a romantic relationship on something like personality theory. Theories are meant as tools and guidelines that may assist us in understanding others, but they will never paint an accurate portrait of a human being. I think if we based all our important life decisions on humanmetrics and MBTI, we'd lead very dull, one-dimensional lives indeed. In this instance, I say find out for yourself.
 
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Thank you. I just... I was really worried I was going a bit overboard. I don't know. But thank you, thank you very much. Sorry, I'm not normally like this. Just needed some validation and input, I suppose.
 
Cerce said:
Thank you. I just... I was really worried I was going a bit overboard. I don't know. But thank you, thank you very much. Sorry, I'm not normally like this. Just needed some validation and input, I suppose.
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No need to apologize, Cerce. A lot of us have been where you are before (yours truly included) and having these strong feelings for someone for the first time can be both a scary and exhilarating experience. You're going to be fine. Just take it a day at a time :)
 
TheDaringHatTrick said:
Yes, it is normal to feel what you're feeling when you really, really like someone. Especially when you're as young as you are (and I do not mean this condescendingly; I've just observed that our emotions tend to be much more intense when we're in our late teens and early twenties). It's normal to want to be with them and daydream about what it would be like to spend your days and nights together. It's normal to walk around with butterflies in your stomach all day and think about them every chance you get; what they're doing, how they're feeling; if they're thinking the same about you. When they're across the seas, it's also normal to entertain what it would be like to visit them. It's part of the infatuation stage and it's actually not uncommon to start idealizing the object of your affection this way.

Keep in mind, though, because you two never met in person, it's likely that you might be doing more than the usual bit of idealizing. I think the other posters here have the right idea: take things slow. Don't rush things in this relationship. I'm not saying to stop talking to this girl or anything, just to let things play out for a bit and get to know her a bit more before you fly the coop. I know we Polish ladies are irresistible but it's important to keep things in perspective and let the emotional dust settle before we do anything drastic in an online, long-distance relationship. They can work (there are few members on the forum here that met this way) but they also come with their share of pitfalls too. Take it easy and gauge things.

As for whether or not such and such types are compatible, ehhhh... I personally wouldn't base something as soulful and important as a romantic relationship on something like personality theory. Theories are meant as tools and guidelines that may assist us in understanding others, but they will never paint an accurate portrait of a human being. I think if we based all our important life decisions on humanmetrics and MBTI, we'd lead very dull, one-dimensional lives indeed. In this instance, I say find out for yourself.
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well said!
 
Heh. Going back and reading that, I feel like an overly romantic doof now.

I mean, it's.. It's not 'butterflies'. My heart doesn't 'flutter'. It's like I'm going to be sick, or that my chest is going to implode. I dunno. I'm 18. What the hell am I thinking.
 
Cerce said:
It's like I'm going to be sick, or that my chest is going to implode.
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That's how it feels when my heart flutters. Goes to prove everyone is different. :)

You sound a bit embarrassed to me. Why? It's fine to be romantic. And what age has to do with anything? I'm confused.
 
I'm 18 with a minimum wage job, and not exactly doing the best in college. She lives in Poland, is 19, and is going to college with a low-paying job. It'll be 6 years at the earliest if anything serious can happen. But I just can't stop thinking about her, right now, and wanting to get up and do something. It's not so much I'm embarrassed, but rather that I know if I had come to myself a week before all of this and asked myself for advice, I would have told myself not to make any promises and wait.

I just... I want to do something. I don't know. I feel like if I don't do something, I'm going to go insane. If I haven't already. So I just sit here and write.

*He sighs momentarily, looking as if he has a headache coming in*

I don't want to trouble you guys or seem like some stereotypical overly-romantic teenager with low self esteem. I'm happy with myself and my life. I've been blessed beyond comparison. But this is something I've never felt or had to deal with before. And I really don't want to screw this up. It's not just me that could end up getting hurt. I just don't know what to do next, or how to go about doing it. So I sit and rant, and think.
 
Cerce said:
I'm 18 with a minimum wage job, and not exactly doing the best in college. She lives in Poland, is 19, and is going to college with a low-paying job. It'll be 6 years at the earliest if anything serious can happen. But I just can't stop thinking about her, right now, and wanting to get up and do something. It's not so much I'm embarrassed, but rather that I know if I had come to myself a week before all of this and asked myself for advice, I would have told myself not to make any promises and wait.

I just... I want to do something. I don't know. I feel like if I don't do something, I'm going to go insane. If I haven't already. So I just sit here and write.

*He sighs momentarily, looking as if he has a headache coming in*

I don't want to trouble you guys or seem like some stereotypical overly-romantic teenager with low self esteem. I'm happy with myself and my life. I've been blessed beyond comparison. But this is something I've never felt or had to deal with before. And I really don't want to screw this up. It's not just me that could end up getting hurt. I just don't know what to do next, or how to go about doing it. So I sit and rant, and think.
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Hey now, it's good to reach out to people. That's a very healthy way of approaching an issue. Spending too much time in your head is wont to skew a few things, so another perspective (or two, or three or four) is a good way to keep you on track. Talking about it out loud also helps; don't ask me why, but for some reason, vocalizing issues and writing things down seems to organize the thoughts better. Keeping things bottled up never, ever helps (I should know).

Please don't feel like you've burdened anyone here. That's what this forum is here for, after all. I know I can only speak for myself in this case, but my first thought wasn't at all that you were someone with low self-esteem or whatever-negative-thought-have-you. I thought you were confused, yes, but then again, which one of us hasn't had their head turned around by a romantic interest? We've all been there. Many of us have walked in your shoes. Few of us were able to stop and consider the practicalities of the situation as you have.

Either way, don't you worry about making a good impression. In my opinion, you already have. :-)
 
It sounds like you are really flying high at times (or continuously), and this is completely understandable.

It is important that you purposefully find ways to intermittently reduce this state, or you risk burning up too many endorphins and tapping out on adrenaline, which can cause a hard crash.

Suggestions: Please be sure to continue to socialize with people you really enjoy, and not talk about her. Don't continually play music that takes you to the mountaintop. If you are spiritual, then spend time in some of the writings of your faith. Find something to stimulate your senses that will take you out of your own head (i.e. museum, see a play at a community center or high school).

Confession: I'm flying a little close to the sun myself right now.
 
Sounds like pure infatuation. Even if she opened up to you in those moments you still do not truly know her. Her story and life circumstances may have touched your heart--> maybe you suffer from Captain Saveaho...just kidding.

Telling someone a lot about your upbringing may build nice trust between you two but it is far too fragile to support a real relationship of sort until you spend time with her and get to know her in real world setting.

Just know that infatuation creates idealized views in your head which may or maynot stand the test of reality. Be aware and good luck!
 
I am assuming that most of the communication that goes on between you two are held online. While this kind of interaction is not real, I would not depend on it. Wait on it until you get the chance to meet her and get to know her a bit better. Long distance relationships are difficult to pursue, especially if they cannot be reached within a distance. I am not sure how this will work out for a long term relationship since serious relationships like this should be more deserving of an actual interaction rather than having to rely on an online or long distance communication.
 
I wouldn't take action based on those feelings. It sounds like you are desperate to save her after the traumatic things she told you... Then she made you promise not to leave her-- that is a red flag because it is controlling. She may not even be aware of it, but she is manipulating you with telling you that story and begging you to stay around. You aren't her rescuer. In time, these feelings of desperation may fade.. I hope she is receiving professional help for what happened to her.
 
Long distance with someone like this is a waste of your time. Drop the whole thing and let her find some local guy to comfort her while she figures herself out. It's going to hurt some, but it'll hurt worse to continue.
 
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