Relationship Expectations

[Billy]

This topic is close to my heart because I have been thinking on it a lot lately...

I have come to the conclusion that expectations are actually wrong and counter balanced by insecurities. HOWEVER they are impossible to avoid, therefore the best way to broach them is with open communication and an agreement with the other party. Once you both agree to a certain expectation then you are safe in expecting consistency. But if you have expectations without making them clear then you are actually just putting your own insecurities onto the other party unfairly.

 

[knight in battle]

Do you have them?

Yes. Like there was no tomorrow.

Key question: Does closeness with another person, whether that's a friendship or a relationship, naturally involve expectations? Can there be genuine intimacy and closeness without expectations? How do you balance reasonable expectations (assuming you feel they exist) with keeping a healthy amount of space and freedom between yourself and another person?

1. Basically, you don't have to keep going out of your way to hang out with this person, and they still want to talk to you and interact with you. (i.e., not INTPs).
2. You can "forget" to talk to someone for a long time, and they'll still want to interact with you, and/or vice versa.
3. You don't feel drained.
4. You don't feel disrespected and deficient after interacting with them (INTPs).

If you have expectations of people, what do you expect from close friends vs. more casual friendships vs. acquaintances?

Same basic expectations for all three categories.
1. Interaction, conversation, or connection at comfortable intervals of time.
2. They don't pry in a way that makes me self-protective. They will back off when I self-protect, and their backing off puts my mind at rest rather than continuing to cause me concern that they are trying to wiggle their way past my boundaries.
3. They are "easy" to contact and interact with. I don't cringe when they respond to me. I don't have to wait till forever to hear back from them.
4. They will give me the space to be insecure and allow me the amount of time I need to think about whether to contact them at any given time.
5. I am not repelled by them.
6. I don't have to purposely hold them at arm's length. They "get" my respective boundaries for them (whether they are colleagues, acquaintances, group-mates, friends, close friends, or prospective lovers), or when I communicate my boundaries to them, they get it.

 

[Gaze]

Although it's nice to have ease of interaction with friends or partners, sometimes some will use this "ease" to avoid putting much effort into the relationship since the expectation is that everything should come easily and naturally.

 

[Radiantshadow]

Do you have them?

Key question: Does closeness with another person, whether that's a friendship or a relationship, naturally involve expectations? Can there be genuine intimacy and closeness without expectations? How do you balance reasonable expectations (assuming you feel they exist) with keeping a healthy amount of space and freedom between yourself and another person?

If you have expectations of people, what do you expect from close friends vs. more casual friendships vs. acquaintances?

I'm partially curious for curiosity's sake, and partially genuinely puzzled about this... so I'd love to hear about what y'all think about this.

Everyone has expectations; it's how we order our little worlds. Relationships are founded on expectations - something exists to make you expect that you and another person are compatible, to whatever degree. Expectations can be made reasonable simply by respecting the other person for who they are instead of what they are to you, which requires understanding them.

I expect nothing from acquaintances, I do not know them well enough. Being greeted by a casual friend every so often is nice, but hardly distressing if not. All I ask from close friends is to be myself without overbearing judgement when we interact, and vice versa.

 

[knight in battle]

I have never made a friend who didn't require effort.
I have never made a friend who required too much effort.