Relationship Post-Analysis

[rachelbaker99]

I think your initial connection with her was genuine and that you cared a lot about her. But you reacted very rashly to her refusal. I understand that her inability to talk to you about it probably made you feel hurt and rejected and angry. But that reaction is just likely to push her away more and even make her afraid. I think that even I you don't exhibit angry or irrational behavior in normal situations, this behavior comes out when you feel betrayed or hurt in some way. Maybe you can work on trying to realize why that is. The world has probably done a lot of bad stuff to you. But if you get angry every time people hurt you, you're just going to hurt yourself more.

 

[casie]

OP you're a fuckwit.

 

[Kolmio]

If somebody reacted like you to my refusal to sign some army papers I'd probably run away as quickly as I can. But to me your behavior is something interesting so after a while when things have cooled down, I'd try to talk to you. I would be polite and ask what it is that makes me a bitch, just the refusal? I'd say there's nothing you can do to change who I am so could you just accept me as I am. If you still would be a total jerk I'd think that I've lost the battle and move on.

But if you really can't see what you did wrong there must be something seriously wrong with you. You seem just like the people I hate because to me the way you acted was rude, immature, crazy and out of control. Just like your heart was bounding with rage and your head was turned off. Hate that in people. Why can't you just deal with your emotions on your own and not lash out to people. Also your behavior has nothing to do with INTJ type. My boyfriend is a strong INTJ and he would never do what you did. Even if I cheated him or did something really bad to him, he would never hate me or call me a bitch. He's just very good at dealing with his emotions on his own. Very mellow.

Good luck with trying to develop your impulse control. I think you would benefit therapy if you could be totally honest with the therapist.

 

[Keirouen]

So there was this girl I liked, who was an INFJ, (I'm an INTJ), and we sent over 3900 messages online, some of it sexual, and I got to be extremely emotionally attached with her. We talked about personal things, I talked to her about my past and the turmoil, and we became good friends. She was feminine, and I masculine (not to brag but I took a test online and scored in the 100th percentile in "masculinity" out of the 30,000 testers it was based on). I knew her in middleschool, I moved, and then my senior year I moved back to her area. I was having problems in foster-homes. We'd flirt and be friendly in school, occasionally, but we were very quiet, so didn't talk. So nothing developed. We both liked each other though. I wanted to join the army, and needed three recommendations, and she wouldnt sign it. I asked her, "why?", several times, she was hiestant, and then she said she'd think about it. It hurt my feelings a lot. (I can be quite sensitive) So I told her "f u" and called her the b word, and told her not to talk to me. Felt betrayed and dispassioned. She said nothing back. Deleted her from facebook, then rekindled it a small bit a couple months later with her. Highschool ended, and I tried sending her a few messages on facebook, and a couple friend requests saying lets just be friends. Wont listen though, or answer. So, after a few tries, I sent a very bad message, telling her I hated her with everything I had, that I hoped she died, that she was a horrible person, a bad friend, called her the C and B word, and then she blocked. A couple days later her friend told me she called the police on me, (No charges pressed or police that have talked to me, and this was months ago).

So obviously that relationship is done. Any INFJs give me a clue as to what she was feeling? How she feels now? What I did wrong?

First. Dude, you're a lot like me but younger and well a dude XD

The army thing shouldn't be that important compared to something like love. Damn they need referrals nowadays? Just so you know, the army is getting more difficult to stay in as it is. Benefits are being cut. If you hadn't sworn in yet seriously consider EVERYTHING!

[MENTION=11682]CodyV[/MENTION] You messed up. All those horrible things you told her. You should have controlled yourself better. I'm an intj. I've felt that way in a very similar relationship but I didn't call her a bitch and tell her she should die. First of all I knew It's not how I really feel. You know it too. It was tempting to be mean and let all my hurt out on her. But I looked past my hurt and saw we were both hurting. Clearly you were both hurt by what happened then you went and made it worse by being a heartless hot tempered jerk.

You seriously messed up. You aren't a bad person but please learn from this experience. Learn to hold back your negative emotions and reflect deeper to why you feel so hurt. It's all about you, right? Make it about her and you'll still feel hurt but you'll see things clearly. You won't hate her.

We intjs can be rash. Try to look at life from the perspective of the other people in your life. It'll always help

 

[muir]

The abuse you have suffered and the meds you have been given along with the contradictory advice from a synthetic drug pusher (known generally in society as a 'doctor') will be leaving a mark on you that will affect how you perceive things and how you react to things

As someone else recommended already in the thread it is probably worth speaking to a therapist about all this and to try and work through it all

The army is a tough environment that is totally removed from regular civilian life

The army does not always prepare people for life beyond the army

Don't be angry at the person you like for not recommending you for the army. A person might be against the idea for all sorts of reasons for example they might worry that you might get hurt, or they might worry that you will dissapear for months at a time or they might have a moral issue with what the army is doing...that's their choice and you have to respect it

If you go into the army it is probably worth giving some thought to life beyond the army. Try and get qualifications from the army that you can then use in civilian life whether its getting your heavy goods driving licence, training to be a mechanic, medical, electrical engineering or whatever

Don't be all about the guns and grenades because that side won't be much use to you once you leave the army

I think you should give that person you swore at space and let them contact you if they want to. In the mean time you need to get your shit together. If you keep flying off the handle like that you are going to get yourself in trouble. Give it some thought and perhaps talk it all through with someone and be honest about your anger issues

 

[Switchgirl]

I knew her in middleschool, I moved, and then my senior year I moved back to her area. I was having problems in foster-homes. We'd flirt and be friendly in school, occasionally, but we were very quiet, so didn't talk. So nothing developed. We both liked each other though. I wanted to join the army, and needed three recommendations, and she wouldnt sign it. I asked her, "why?", several times, she was hiestant, and then she said she'd think about it. It hurt my feelings a lot. (I can be quite sensitive) So I told her "f u" and called her the b word, and told her not to talk to me. Felt betrayed and dispassioned. She said nothing back. Deleted her from facebook, then rekindled it a small bit a couple months later with her. Highschool ended, and I tried sending her a few messages on facebook, and a couple friend requests saying lets just be friends. Wont listen though, or answer. So, after a few tries, I sent a very bad message, telling her I hated her with everything I had, that I hoped she died, that she was a horrible person, a bad friend, called her the C and B word, and then she blocked. A couple days later her friend told me she called the police on me, (No charges pressed or police that have talked to me, and this was months ago).

Hey [MENTION=11682]CodyV[/MENTION],

Just wanted to mention a few more things. I can tell that this post is a subtle cry for help. I can't imagine the pain and suffering you've been through, but just know that at least someone understands. Although my experience most likely differs from yours, I can relate to you in some way. I didn't grow up in the best up bringing either, and people seem to overlook this adversity. Parental issues in your younger years can cause so much damage to your character and well-being; so much more than one could ever imagine.

It takes a lot of courage to share a story like this to the public, so I can understand how you've interpreted the other poster's replies as "attacks." I consider myself a "highly sensitive person." Even the tiniest of criticisms/negativity make me feel like crying. Sometimes your emotions literally take over as if they've possessed you. This doesn't mean there's an excuse to let our emotions get the best of us, but we definitely can do our best to tame them for our own well-being, and those around us. I suggest you try finding activities that bring you at ease, such as listening to calming music, dancing, etc. I also recommend therapy, which I am also seeking myself.

I'm no professional but I believe that childhood trauma is the root cause of this sort of sensitivity and several disorders such as depression, BPD, anxiety (I feel like I have all three). Just know you're not alone, and you can get through this!

 

[bamf]

Honestly, after a reaction like that, if I were her, I'd be afraid to be alone with you. Your response to rejection is scary as fuck, and she treated you as such. I say, good for her.

 

[54tjsioU]

[MENTION=11682]CodyV[/MENTION] -What reaction were you looking for from us? I'm not asking in a bitchy tone, I genuinely want to know.

 

[Eventhorizon]

I dont know how I found this but I am calling BS on it.

2 threads, 7 posts, you are trolling or looking for a rise.

 

[aureliusandoinky]

...what didn't you do wrong? If I were her I'd run for the hills too. I don't understand why you're incapable of seeing what you did. It's plainly obvious to anyone who reads this thread.

 

[NataljaC]

I'm highlighting that which reflects my general attitude towards this:

I can understand your frustration, as this was something that you really wanted. You just wanted her support, right? I just have one question though.. Why was HER signature so necessary? If there were only three recommendations required, I'm sure you could have gotten help elsewhere (Such as a teacher, career advisor, etc.).

As an INFJ girl who has a boyfriend that has considered joining the army in the past, I'd say her hesitation was an expression of her attachment towards you. She most likely did it to hint to you that she didn't want you leave. If my boyfriend chose to join the army, of course I would respect his wishes, but I can't help but feel shattered thinking of the amount of time we would have to spend apart (he chose not to join the army, btw).

I think this relationship can be reconciled (not romantically), if you sincerely apologize to her. If you feel that you have nothing to apologize about, then so be it, but put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if she called you those same profanities and lashed out on you just because you simply didn't want her to see her go due to your attachment? I think this will give you a lot of insight.

Wish you the best

I think your initial connection with her was genuine and that you cared a lot about her. But you reacted very rashly to her refusal. I understand that her inability to talk to you about it probably made you feel hurt and rejected and angry. But that reaction is just likely to push her away more and even make her afraid. I think that even I you don't exhibit angry or irrational behavior in normal situations, this behavior comes out when you feel betrayed or hurt in some way. Maybe you can work on trying to realize why that is. The world has probably done a lot of bad stuff to you. But if you get angry every time people hurt you, you're just going to hurt yourself more.

[MENTION=11682]CodyV[/MENTION] You messed up. All those horrible things you told her. You should have controlled yourself better. I'm an intj. I've felt that way in a very similar relationship but I didn't call her a bitch and tell her she should die. First of all I knew It's not how I really feel. You know it too. It was tempting to be mean and let all my hurt out on her. But I looked past my hurt and saw we were both hurting. Clearly you were both hurt by what happened then you went and made it worse by being a heartless hot tempered jerk.

You seriously messed up. You aren't a bad person but please learn from this experience. Learn to hold back your negative emotions and reflect deeper to why you feel so hurt. It's all about you, right? Make it about her and you'll still feel hurt but you'll see things clearly. You won't hate her.

We intjs can be rash. Try to look at life from the perspective of the other people in your life. It'll always help

Love is blinding...
From her, you seek a certain degree of validation and support; something she refused to give you in regards to joining the military. Yes, she probably WAS attached to you. And there were probably other reasons on top of that which she failed to communicate with you.

The two of you function differently. I have an INTJ friend, and I know how rational you guys can be- to the point of being infuriating. And you let it be known. On the other hand, INFJs internalize much of their thoughts. For a strong bond to form, there must be a degree of unspoken understanding in the relationship. If you've known her since middle school, then I cannot see why her reaction is a surprise to you. We are sensitive, and are guided by our passions and feelings. Can't you see it? SHE DIDN'T WANT TO LET YOU GO.

To me, this situation seems like a choice between love and the career of your lifetime. It's hard. You wanted her signature, because you wanted both. But you didn't handle her refusal in the right way. Now you don't have either of them.

Now that the police is involved, it will be extremely difficult to turn things back. All you have left are memories. But don't let it all be in vain. Learn from this, and try to see how others may feel. You can't be that bad of a guy if you have earned the trust of an INFJ. But don't betray it. Now you know what it's like to lose something taken for granted. Learn to respect, and become a better person. I hope this helped you with what you were looking for by asking us about your situation.