Relationship with INFJ, any hope

chemicalzombie said:
When I say people take my side, most people point out that it was long distance, he didn't have a job, and it had been a year with no plans to visit. My friend who is a relationship coach and author says, "I am angry at him for dating you for a year long distance without arranging to spend time in the same city as you." and "if a guy really wants to find a way, he will find a way even if he falls on hard times."

So while most people see what I did was wrong, my friend above says, "even if it was wrong for you to talk to other men first, it doesn't mean it shouldn't have ended or that it was ok for him to keep me around for a year with no plans to see me."

My youth pastor told me to quote, "dump the loser." (upon learning he had no job).
So again, I am guilty and wrong but most people I talk to understand.
Those other questions are good to think about. thank you
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It seems to me that you and your ex live by a completely different values, how do you think this will even work long-term?
As for the advice you heard from your coach and close people: I strongly believe in integrity, loyalty, and honesty in all relationships - we deserve friends who will make us a better person, even if that means calling you out on your actions (rather than enabling you in bad decisions).
In the end anyway, their opinion cannot be justification of your behaviour.
Why other people's opinions matter to you so much? Do you not wonder why you're surrounded by such prejudiced superficial people?

I hope this experience helps you in getting to know yourself better.
 
chemicalzombie said:
No offense at all. I think I was afraid. I had a ton of people in my ear. My roommate, for example, kept saying how I couldn't trust anything he said. She kept asking how I knew he was studying or how did I know that he really graduated. My mom kept asking what does he do all day if he doesn't have a job. Even my therapist said that my concerns about his truthfulness were valid. Yes, I should have been more mature and tuned all the naysayers out. I didn't. I regret that very much. I wish I had stood up for him and us. So yes I caved to my insecurity. I began to worry that I was wasting my time. So when another person expressed interest, despite my misgivings, I felt like I would regret not taking the chance. My ex was my first relationship. So if I acted imature when it comes to relationships, it's because I was.
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Well sorry to be blunt but you made your bed...

I suggest you work on your insecurities and understand YOU as a person and what YOU want in life. Once you have that sorted and you're confident within yourself that no one else's opinion matters and you can only take it on as advice not personally then you are ready to meet someone.

I've put YOU I bold because:
1. You are not living someone else's life, be it your mum or your friends or your therapist or pastor - they are living their lives and don't give two craps about anyone else so you need to take the same approach.
2. People will ALWAYS have something to say regardless, this is us as a society. No one is ever happy or satisfied fully and some people want to fill that void in someone else. For example, your mum, she is living her life and doing her own thing, you need to do the same for your own self.
3. Real true raw love is, regardless of where your partner is at this moment in time, if you are happy and know that in the future you'll be living a content comfortable life, then you would ensure that you overcome whatever obstacle comes your way. Relationships are full of tests and trials and you need to be ready to get through those with your partner and trust that there is ease after hardship.
4. Change your therapist. Man doesn't know what he's talking about. He is supposed to be impartial.
 
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JustPhil said:
Yes, I would marry or be in a relationship with a jobless person. To me love is not about objects or status, it is something innate within your soul.

If the relationship wasn't progressing the way YOU wanted, then you should have ended it. You were a doormat for a year, but that's on you, you allowed that to happen. If you had a theory or idea on how you wanted it to pan out then you should have communicated this to him and when it wasn't going the way you wanted, be upfront, explain it, end it and THEN look for a new partner.

Why should he improve himself for you? You can't accept him for who he is, then you do need to move on. Celebrate what you had, remember it fondly in your heart and move on.

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haha great choice in media. I did express how I wanted the relationship to progress. At the very beginning of our relationship, I said I wanted to meet in person in one year. He could not honor that and when that became clear I extended it. I even offered to visit him despite my parents objections. He said no because he didn't want to make my parents mad.
 
chemicalzombie said:
haha great choice in media. I did express how I wanted the relationship to progress. At the very beginning of our relationship, I said I wanted to meet in person in one year. He could not honor that and when that became clear I extended it. I even offered to visit him despite my parents objections. He said no because he didn't want to make my parents mad.
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If you did advise him how you wanted it to go then the mistake was the taking of the number and following up on it.

First relationship? We all make mistakes, that's how we learn. Don't beat yourself up about it too much but at the same time, ensure that you learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them.

But do move on .. first love always feels like the end of the world, but depth wise it's really only a toe in the ocean for most of us.

Trusting to your own intuition rather than that of friends and family would also be a good idea. Yes, you will make more mistakes, but again YOU should learn from them and become more adept at guiding yourself.
 
On this site you will get a lot of moralizing about any level of infidelity.
Aside from why you would step out on him my question is how did telling him serve you?
That is your starting point.
He must have been presenting numerous red flags for you.
At most you can try to pick up some pointers to yourself about what you want a
and how you attempt to motivate people to behave the way that is acceptable to you.
Knowing what those ways is a really really good start.
and lastly, its always a trade off...maybe some guy is not on a great career path
but you really enjoy being with him
maybe at that point you let go of your attachment to one aspect of what you want for another.
ps not sure most INTJs have the stomach for an INFJ and vs versa
 
FiftySeven said:
On this site you will get a lot of moralizing about any level of infidelity.
Aside from why you would step out on him my question is how did telling him serve you?
That is your starting point.
He must have been presenting numerous red flags for you.
At most you can try to pick up some pointers to yourself about what you want a
and how you attempt to motivate people to behave the way that is acceptable to you.
Knowing what those ways is a really really good start.
and lastly, its always a trade off...maybe some guy is not on a great career path
but you really enjoy being with him
maybe at that point you let go of your attachment to one aspect of what you want for another.
ps not sure most INTJs have the stomach for an INFJ and vs versa
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Not sure I understand the question. How did telling him serve you? Could you clarify what you mean?

Yes, I agree that it is definitely a trade-off. I'm trying hard to figure out what I want.

I know now that I want the same faith, and some sort of job. It doesn't have to be much, but some sort o-f work. I'm also debating about whether I could do another long distance. I honestly don't think I can.

Haha maybe my problem is I keep falling for INFJS
 
chemicalzombie said:
Okay I fully admit to having made a mistake by accepting his number. I guess I have such low self-esteem that I never imagined that a random guy would be interested in anything more than friendship. We had a lot of similar music tastes (something my boyfriend lacked) and I'm always looking for friends to go to concerts with. So that's how and why.

Sigh, I still care about my ex. I don't think I love him romantically. I honestly don't know what I want. I kind of just want to know he's okay, did he ever pass his exam or find a job? I would be happy to know he's happy to even without me. I do feel like there's no one else who fits me as he does, but I think the romance ship has sailed. Basically I'm fine being single for the rest of my life.
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So in this case, no you cannot reconcile.
 
chemicalzombie said:
I sent him a message via Facebook messenger a month ago with no response. He read it though. I since told him that I would honor our clean break and that I hope he takes care. I want to respect his wishes of no contact, but I do miss his friendship. Is there any chance we could be on a talking basis again (not romantic, just talking)?
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I empathize with this a lot because this is a pattern of behavior I've fallen into myself many times. I think that I have finally managed to kick myself out of it, that doesn't mean in the future I won't struggle with it, but moreso that I think I've resolved what caused me to keep falling into these situations. I can't speak on your experiences, I can only share my own, so keep that in mind.

If someone doesn't desire the same amount of contact as you do, youre selling yourself short. Maybe you believe you won't ever meet another person with the same connection you have with this person. Maybe you feel a lacking because they were giving you something valuable whatever that may be. The bottom line is that you have to reflect on why it is that you want something that another person doesn't want. Why are you willing to make yourself work so hard? Don't you think you deserve reciprocation? Things end.

Endings are hard.

We can't turn back time no matter how much we want to and instead of looking to the past or a hopeful future, we can look at what we can do today to find what we need. You're not going to get what you need from this person. Once you stop resisting reality, things get much easier.
 
chemicalzombie said:
haha great choice in media. I did express how I wanted the relationship to progress. At the very beginning of our relationship, I said I wanted to meet in person in one year. He could not honor that and when that became clear I extended it. I even offered to visit him despite my parents objections. He said no because he didn't want to make my parents mad.
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Take this as a learning point as this comes across as a bit dodgy. But now you know to avoid these kinda guys and to find someone who is willing to meet you and make the relationship work.

As this is your first relationship as @JustPhil learn from the experience and move on. Focus on you. First relationship break ups always suck but eventually you'll be ok and will have met someone else when the time is right and this guy will be a memory.

A friend once told me, you gotta kiss a lot of frogs to meet your prince!
 
chemicalzombie said:
haha great choice in media. I did express how I wanted the relationship to progress. At the very beginning of our relationship, I said I wanted to meet in person in one year. He could not honor that and when that became clear I extended it. I even offered to visit him despite my parents objections. He said no because he didn't want to make my parents mad.
Click to expand...

Take this as a learning point as this comes across as a bit dodgy. But now you know to avoid these kinda guys and to find someone who is willing to meet you and make the relationship work.

As this is your first relationship as @JustPhil learn from the experience and move on. Focus on you. First relationship break ups always suck but eventually you'll be ok and will have met someone else when the time is right and this guy will be a memory.

A friend once told me, you gotta kiss a lot of frogs to meet your prince!
 
slant said:
I empathize with this a lot because this is a pattern of behavior I've fallen into myself many times. I think that I have finally managed to kick myself out of it, that doesn't mean in the future I won't struggle with it, but moreso that I think I've resolved what caused me to keep falling into these situations. I can't speak on your experiences, I can only share my own, so keep that in mind.

If someone doesn't desire the same amount of contact as you do, youre selling yourself short. Maybe you believe you won't ever meet another person with the same connection you have with this person. Maybe you feel a lacking because they were giving you something valuable whatever that may be. The bottom line is that you have to reflect on why it is that you want something that another person doesn't want. Why are you willing to make yourself work so hard? Don't you think you deserve reciprocation? Things end.

Endings are hard.

We can't turn back time no matter how much we want to and instead of looking to the past or a hopeful future, we can look at what we can do today to find what we need. You're not going to get what you need from this person. Once you stop resisting reality, things get much easier.
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This is good and helpful in terms of moving on. You're right I deserve reciprocation. I think part of the problem is that I sometimes lie to myself a feel that I messed up my chance at the One for me or some other BS that society tells you about love. The reality is he wasn't able to give me everything I need. If he was I wouldn't be in this situation. I guess I blame myself due to my bad behavior. I think that he would not be so distant and cold if I hadn't been so heartless. I have to accept the reality that he doesn't want to talk to me now and probably never will.
 
This is sad all around. I can understand from both perspectives–yours and his. I'm not going to say what everyone else has already said, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and want to believe you acted in that way out of hurt and frustration with your situation. It was wrong, but we're humans with complex needs and desires; most importantly, we are all stupid sometimes and make mistakes.

To answer your question, I believe INFJs are very VERY much capable of forgiving and reconciling if you show that you are truly genuine with your intentions. Now, how to go about that is a bit tricky–if you come off too overbearing or duplicitous, it'll scare him away forever.

Speaking from experience as an INFJ, I have done both the "door slam" and never looked back BUT ONCE, I did give someone another chance. The one instance where I let someone back into my life after the "door slam," it took him four years of showing genuine remorse and care for me to open up to him again. During those four years, he would text me occasionally--an operative word here, "occasionally"-- especially when he'd learned something significant about my life through our mutual friends (e.g. An example of his text, "I heard your brother was sick. I'm so sorry you are going through this."). Additionally, he was ALWAYS the first person to text me a happy birthday at exactly midnight every year. I ignored all of his attempts for years. However, in the fourth year of utter silence, he texted me on my birthday, again, but this time I said thank you. A friendship was rekindled and then we dated for two years after. We broke up, but to this day I still regard him as one of my friends.

Now, I'm not saying that you should go and make this kind of effort. I'm saying that INFJs' intuition and compassion run pretty deep, we can sense when you're BSing us but we know when you're being sincere as well. That sincerity will trigger our sympathy, and that is the only way back into our lives.
 
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