Saying "I love you"
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Jabberwocky
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I actually sat down and wrote a whole piece on the subjectivity of the phrase "I love you" upon viewing this thread, but I'll neglect posting it and instead actually answer the questions.
Family - No. I used to, because of the obligation I felt. But after a while I became tired of lying, so now when someone says it I simply stay silent or find some way to sidestep it. This, however, does not hold true to my sister, but that's because I consider her to be more of a...
Friends - Yes. I have no problem saying this to friends, because if someone is my friend, it's because I genuinely care about them, which after a certain point I consider to be "love," with a connotation similar to that which you're supposed to feel towards your family, I believe.
SOs Early On - If I love them, yes. I won't say it first, but if they say it and I understand the way in which they mean it (really, the subjectivity of the word is key here), I'll say it back when I feel the same way.
SOs Later On - If it's been said, then yes. I won't over-use it, but (at least in my current relationship) if I'm trying to express a certain feeling and I can't think of another way to do it, I'll say it. Same for my SO, I believe.
To People I Don't Love - Not anymore. I used to say it to please people, but now I'll only say it if I actually mean it.
Basically, the phrase gets assigned (in my mind at least) a certain meaning when it's used between myself and a certain person. It's sort of like an in-joke. Only I and this other person really know what we mean by it, but it is still a rather serious way of expressing our affection for the other person.
Family - No. I used to, because of the obligation I felt. But after a while I became tired of lying, so now when someone says it I simply stay silent or find some way to sidestep it. This, however, does not hold true to my sister, but that's because I consider her to be more of a...
Friends - Yes. I have no problem saying this to friends, because if someone is my friend, it's because I genuinely care about them, which after a certain point I consider to be "love," with a connotation similar to that which you're supposed to feel towards your family, I believe.
SOs Early On - If I love them, yes. I won't say it first, but if they say it and I understand the way in which they mean it (really, the subjectivity of the word is key here), I'll say it back when I feel the same way.
SOs Later On - If it's been said, then yes. I won't over-use it, but (at least in my current relationship) if I'm trying to express a certain feeling and I can't think of another way to do it, I'll say it. Same for my SO, I believe.
To People I Don't Love - Not anymore. I used to say it to please people, but now I'll only say it if I actually mean it.
Basically, the phrase gets assigned (in my mind at least) a certain meaning when it's used between myself and a certain person. It's sort of like an in-joke. Only I and this other person really know what we mean by it, but it is still a rather serious way of expressing our affection for the other person.
Gaze
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Kinda agree with you here. I wouldn't mind saying I love you earlier on as long as we both feel the same, and are committed. But I don't want to say it first. I'll let my partner say then I'll reply.
Gaze
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I think other types can relate to this. I just recently realized that many people don't have the ability to handle someone else's emotions besides their own. Only a few have that gift. Although, it can be burden, it's a blessing to find people who can handle more than their own issues. If you share your emotions or feelings with someone who thinks feelings are a sign of weakness or who sees this trait as a sign that someone is unable to control their emotions just because they expressed them
, you probably wouldn't feel comfortable expressing yourself with that person.
sassafras
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It depends. I find that the younger or older the family member, 'I love you's' come the easiest. I say and get 'I love yous' from my nieces almost every time I see them. Even though they're young, I don't take it as lip-service. I think they really mean it from the bottoms of their little hearts. The same with my grandma. Every time I talk to her, I make sure to let her know I love her. I don't ever want to live with the knowledge that I didn't take the opportunity to let her know how I feel in the last conversation we had before she passed away.
As for my immediate family, uh, we don't say it often, but it's implied. By comparison, my parents are much more affectionate with me than my siblings. I'm hard pressed to say that I've told either of my brothers that I've loved them in the last five years. Both of them are much older than I am and we rarely speak enough as it is. Open affection has always been awkward with them, given the age gap.
My best friend is in the habit of saying this more often than I do. We've known each other for all our lives and grew up practically like sisters. We aren't opposed to cuddling and expressing physical affection like hand holding or hugs, but even though I do care for her deeply, I find it rather awkward to express sometimes. Especially if she mentions it to me on the fly over the phone or when we're sitting and talking on the couch. I know she means it, and I mean it when I say it back, but it doesn't feel very natural for me to say aloud.
My other best friend is my ex, which goes without saying that simply saying 'I love you' comes with some pretty hefty baggage. We both care for each other very much, but we express our affection and the nature of our close relationship in other ways. For instance, we'll casually talk about how special our friendship is (given our history) and how well we know each other, but those three little words are never spoken aloud.
Oh goodness, no. Never. It makes me nervous when people tell me they love me so soon. I believe that love takes time to grow, and even if I feel deep affection for my new SO, I don't take it for more than infatuation at this point. I would be very careful about saying ' I love you' and meaning it at the beginning of a new relationship.
If our relationship is an affectionate one, I express it often and openly.
I can differentiate between a jokey "OMG, I love you for this!" and an actual "I love you"; I'm capable of reading social cues. I don't find it the least bit uncomfortable or even over-used. Like anything, it is dependent on its context and the person saying it. Some people are just more open and liberal with their expression; I don't judge or assume that they don't know what love is supposed to be or feel like.
On the other hand, if it's someone I don't love telling me that they love me sincerely, well, I'm one of those awkward people that will just say "thanks"... and then try to clumsily smooth it out by saying that I care about them too, or explain a trait that I admire (if that's true), but I would be very careful not to imply that I share their feelings.
An 'I love you' expressed in terms of Fe would probably come at a time when the other person had initiated it first or when social convention expects it, such as giving comfort or exchanging goodbyes or well-wishes. It's not that its meant to be insincere, but it's expression is framed within the parameters of social customs.
An "I love you" expressed in terms of Fi is more of a fly-by-the-seat-of-cupid's-diaper kind of deal, where you say it because the moment is right and you truly feel it at the time.
Interesting idea for a thread!
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I have a great fear to hurt others , so i would like to avoid that they love me too much...
Anyway yes , i'm selective because of that too , sometimes i think that something can be supported only by few people.
acd
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Why would loving you too much (or a lot) hurt them?
Nixie
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Side note: I would say it is easier for me to say "I love you" than "I was wrong" --gotta love that perfectionism streak
I think it only becomes difficult to express emotions when you are unsure if they will be respected/appreciated which usually means some kind of trust issue.
I think it only becomes difficult to express emotions when you are unsure if they will be respected/appreciated which usually means some kind of trust issue.
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i am interested in Learning more about this.
justeccentricnotinsane
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1) Never
2) Never
3) When I actually feel it. I usually say it first. Takes a few months to feel it.
4) When I feel it. I don't like any routine "I love you"s. I say it when I'm thinking it, I suppose. I don't like people saying it to me everyday. Just on the rare occasion is better for me.
5) There's only been a couple of times I think. I think I just parroted it back to them without looking but I'm pretty sure I split up with them the next day. I don't stay with people I don't love out of guilt more than anything else!
2) Never
3) When I actually feel it. I usually say it first. Takes a few months to feel it.
4) When I feel it. I don't like any routine "I love you"s. I say it when I'm thinking it, I suppose. I don't like people saying it to me everyday. Just on the rare occasion is better for me.
5) There's only been a couple of times I think. I think I just parroted it back to them without looking but I'm pretty sure I split up with them the next day. I don't stay with people I don't love out of guilt more than anything else!
VH
Variable Hybrid
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"I love you" to:
1) Family members, - difficult for me, but I definitely feel it. It's much easier when I know they want to hear it.
2) Friends, - less difficult for me, but I feel it. Again, it's much easier when I know they want to hear it.
3) SOs, in the beginning of a relationship, - I'm too scared to say it when I feel it, for fear of smothering them
4) SOs, after the relationship has matured, - Depends on the expectations of my SO, but I'm happy to throw it around like it's going out of style. If you feel it, say it!
5) People you don't truly love? - never (I'd just give a compliment instead)
Finally, how would saying "I love you" compare in terms of feeling cognitive functions (Fe vs Fi)?
Fe - I will usually only say it or not say it based on whether or not the person in question wants to hear it, and whether or not I feel it.
Fi - I feel love strongly, but this might be Fe manifesting... as I love them. Though, I'm more likely to show someone I love them than to say it, and it's difficult for me to say it id I have any doubt that it would be awkward... also, I often assume people know how I feel (big mistake, I know...)
My biggest problem with "I love you" is that we only have one word for love, and it has gotten to mean romantic love more than anything. We need more words for love. Most other languages have several - Eros, Agape, Eulogeo, etc. - to cover the various other kinds of love.
1) Family members, - difficult for me, but I definitely feel it. It's much easier when I know they want to hear it.
2) Friends, - less difficult for me, but I feel it. Again, it's much easier when I know they want to hear it.
3) SOs, in the beginning of a relationship, - I'm too scared to say it when I feel it, for fear of smothering them
4) SOs, after the relationship has matured, - Depends on the expectations of my SO, but I'm happy to throw it around like it's going out of style. If you feel it, say it!
5) People you don't truly love? - never (I'd just give a compliment instead)
Finally, how would saying "I love you" compare in terms of feeling cognitive functions (Fe vs Fi)?
Fe - I will usually only say it or not say it based on whether or not the person in question wants to hear it, and whether or not I feel it.
Fi - I feel love strongly, but this might be Fe manifesting... as I love them. Though, I'm more likely to show someone I love them than to say it, and it's difficult for me to say it id I have any doubt that it would be awkward... also, I often assume people know how I feel (big mistake, I know...)
My biggest problem with "I love you" is that we only have one word for love, and it has gotten to mean romantic love more than anything. We need more words for love. Most other languages have several - Eros, Agape, Eulogeo, etc. - to cover the various other kinds of love.
Quest
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I've a hard time saying it. In the past, I've written it on birthday cards I made for family members, but have always had difficulty saying it. The only way I would say it to an SO is if I wholeheartedly feel it and I wouldn't want someone saying it to me so soon because I would probably dismiss it. Also for me, actions speak louder than words. Saying it doesn't mean anything if it doesn't show in your actions.
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I am quite emotionally distant from my parents and outside family so it's very rare that I say "I love you" to them. I do love them, but I've never expressed it much in the past, so saying it now just seems awkward and forced. If I want to show love I'll show it through my actions.
I say it openly to my friends, though, close or not. But it's never a straight "I love you," because that phrase holds too much intimacy for mere friendship for me. Usually it's a quick "love you!" IRL when parting or a chatspeak "ilu" online, haha.
I only actually say the phrase in its entirety when I'm in love with someone and the time is right, though I've never been in a relationship. Just some complicated friendships. Only two people have heard it straight from my lips and had it been the truth.
I say it openly to my friends, though, close or not. But it's never a straight "I love you," because that phrase holds too much intimacy for mere friendship for me. Usually it's a quick "love you!" IRL when parting or a chatspeak "ilu" online, haha.
I only actually say the phrase in its entirety when I'm in love with someone and the time is right, though I've never been in a relationship. Just some complicated friendships. Only two people have heard it straight from my lips and had it been the truth.
894tt3h9
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Family: I don't really say it to my family. I didn't start saying it until I moved cross country from my parents. Then it seemed to come out more often, but they always say it first. I do love my parents, but I don't ever feel compelled to express it.
Friends: I only express any kind of love to my roommate and my other bff for the most part. I have a few friends that I absolutely adore and who I feel close to, but I don't really tell them "I love you."
SO's: I've only had one relationship and the word love was abused. It was thrown around mostly when things were hard because my ex was fucking up and would throw me an "I love you" in conjunction with puppy dog eyes hoping that it meant enough that I'd be forgiving. Now saying "I love you" to anyone seems ridiculous, like some kind of manipulative power play.
People I don't truly love: I'd never say it to them. Ever.
Friends: I only express any kind of love to my roommate and my other bff for the most part. I have a few friends that I absolutely adore and who I feel close to, but I don't really tell them "I love you."
SO's: I've only had one relationship and the word love was abused. It was thrown around mostly when things were hard because my ex was fucking up and would throw me an "I love you" in conjunction with puppy dog eyes hoping that it meant enough that I'd be forgiving. Now saying "I love you" to anyone seems ridiculous, like some kind of manipulative power play.
People I don't truly love: I'd never say it to them. Ever.
CONSTANTLY_THINKING
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1) Family: I say it to my parents everynight, but only because it's part of my nightly routine. The only time we really say "I love you" to one another is when I do something to make them proud. These times seem to be becoming fewer and farer in between as my partent's expectations rise.
2) Friends: Sometimes we say it during awkward silences (always followed by the phrase "no homo"). Other than that, I only say it when my friends are going through traumatic events, to give them comfort.
3) SO's in the beginning: I'm not fond of this, especially if we've only just started going out. I'd appreceate the thought, and I wouldn't end it with them for saying it, but I won't be saying it for a while. Even when you think you love someone, you probably don't. I'd rather wait as long as possible before expressing the extend of my love.
4) SO's after maturing: I'm much more comfortable after a long while together. However, I'm very cautious about this even after a long time. People lie, they really do.
5) People I don't truely love: I'd rather it not happen. However, if I were to be in a relationship with someone who obviously loved me with all their heart, I might say it despite myself. (and hope they see that I'm uncomfortable saying it, then tell me that there's no pressure in rushing me)
"Love" is a powerful word and people overuse it. There's no meaning left in it. When I am comfortable with someone to have a relationship like this, they had better not overuse it. I want to hear it only enough so that I don't ever forget that they care.
2) Friends: Sometimes we say it during awkward silences (always followed by the phrase "no homo"). Other than that, I only say it when my friends are going through traumatic events, to give them comfort.
3) SO's in the beginning: I'm not fond of this, especially if we've only just started going out. I'd appreceate the thought, and I wouldn't end it with them for saying it, but I won't be saying it for a while. Even when you think you love someone, you probably don't. I'd rather wait as long as possible before expressing the extend of my love.
4) SO's after maturing: I'm much more comfortable after a long while together. However, I'm very cautious about this even after a long time. People lie, they really do.
5) People I don't truely love: I'd rather it not happen. However, if I were to be in a relationship with someone who obviously loved me with all their heart, I might say it despite myself. (and hope they see that I'm uncomfortable saying it, then tell me that there's no pressure in rushing me)
"Love" is a powerful word and people overuse it. There's no meaning left in it. When I am comfortable with someone to have a relationship like this, they had better not overuse it. I want to hear it only enough so that I don't ever forget that they care.
Taken by the wind
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the "I love you" is a very strong emotion for me, I get teary eyed even thinking about it haha. But for some reason, when I take away the "I," it becomes something different, like I'm not really saying it.
1) Family members - "love you" whenever I'm leaving or saying goodbye, goodnight, etc. It's funny though, I don't really like to be touched by them.
2) Friends - (only a few best friends) usually in a text, with the i and without. but I don't think texting counts all the way. In person, never really unless in serious situations or again, without the i.
3) SOs, in the beginning of a relationship - Never.
4) SOs, after the relationship has matured - Yes, but never really in person.
5) People you don't truly love? - Never.
1) Family members - "love you" whenever I'm leaving or saying goodbye, goodnight, etc. It's funny though, I don't really like to be touched by them.
2) Friends - (only a few best friends) usually in a text, with the i and without. but I don't think texting counts all the way. In person, never really unless in serious situations or again, without the i.
3) SOs, in the beginning of a relationship - Never.
4) SOs, after the relationship has matured - Yes, but never really in person.
5) People you don't truly love? - Never.