sensor breakup II

[elect locution]

God DAMN it hurts to hurt others. I gave this ISFJ a chance. She is a fantastic person--my thought in giving the relationship a shot was that if anyone could build bridge between the intuitive-sensor world with me, it would be her. My perfectionism further egged me on telling me that I should be able to have a fulfilling relationship with any type. I tried my damn best to be open minded. I even tried to design for myself an entirely new life outlook based around the idea of having a sensor partner--the least of which involves telling myself that she keeps me grounded, I will be able to learn from her, and that we will grow mutually. However, at the end of it all, it seems that I am just not cut out for such a large chasm in perspective. I found myself unfulfilled conversationally and rabidly neurotic about leading her on. I've come to the conclusion that dating intuitives exclusively is not a cop-out, narrow-minded choice, nor an act of interpersonal cowardice. Rather, another person even if they are also intuitive, is still another person and will always have ideas different from yours. In fact, intuitives are probably better cross-examiners for one anothers' ideas because they actually "get" them and will evaluate and manipulate them better; a sensor cross-examination, on the other hand, is more liable to feel "beside the point" (just as an intuitive comment may feel beside the point to the sensor to begin with).

Although I am not one of you, I have major respect for you INXJs out there with sensor partners.

My god this pain.

 

[the]

How dramatic.

 

[5r6jhd]

Ignore [MENTION=731]UBERROGO[/MENTION] he gets offended if anyone mentions not wishing to date sensors...he's given me negative rep for it and all.

I know what you mean. I've been on and off with a sensor for the last 2 years and it's really difficult sometimes, yet he still has this hold over me I can't break. It's made me realise for the future I don't know if S types are right for me.

similar to yourself I found some of the conversation challenging...not that we don't have good conversations sometimes, but he doesn't really get my N. He can take bits of it...but it's like he expects it to just be some sort of mood I go through every now and then and I should switch it off the rest of the time. He's very literal and sometimes that gets on my nerves...a lot of us N types like to discuss things in more depth, and my sensor is happy with one word sentences which drive me up the wall sometimes.

There are loads of things that don't seem to translate for us, and that is very difficult when we both care so much.

I'm really sorry you're going through a tough time with it and that it hurts so much, but I'm glad you've learned something about yourself and how you operate with others for future reference.

 

[Rferraris]

?

 

[Billy]

You have a fundamental flaw in your idea @electric locution its that you think anyone will ever be the right one. I have dated N's and S's and I will tell you this of my own experience, no one will ever fill that gap or make you feel understood. Feeling misunderstood is integral to being an INFJ in some respect. You can get with another INFJ and it will be the same.

 

[MrDoobie]

You have a fundamental flaw in your idea @electric locution its that you think anyone will ever be the right one. I have dated N's and S's and I will tell you this of my own experience, no one will ever fill that gap or make you feel understood. Feeling misunderstood is integral to being an INFJ in some respect. You can get with another INFJ and it will be the same.

I agree.

See, a lot of people go into relationships expecting a relationship to "fix" them. That should never be your reasons for seeking a romantic relationship with anyone. It's not fair to expect that much out of your partner and then be disappointed in them when they fail.

 

[elect locution]

I agree.

See, a lot of people go into relationships expecting a relationship to "fix" them. That should never be your reasons for seeking a romantic relationship with anyone. It's not fair to expect that much out of your partner and then be disappointed in them when they fail.

You have a fundamental flaw in your idea @electric locution its that you think anyone will ever be the right one. I have dated N's and S's and I will tell you this of my own experience, no one will ever fill that gap or make you feel understood. Feeling misunderstood is integral to being an INFJ in some respect. You can get with another INFJ and it will be the same.

I didn't feel misunderstood as a person at all (quite the opposite actually) and I definitely wasn't trying to get fixed, but I understand that those are common problems. What I did feel was that our conversations were unfulfilling and that our world views were very different. Have you ever been in a conversation where, in the midst of it, you withdraw into your own mind and comment "ugh, this is dull, how do I take this somewhere interesting?" Have you ever met people whom you couldn't take conversation to interesting places (for yourself) with? A lot of what kept me trying was avoidance of hurting her, but conflict-avoidance is no foundation for a real relationship. Also, the relationship (1 month long only) began with alcoholic-lubricated interactions (a big red flag).

Thanks for the input though.

 

[Billy]

I didn't feel misunderstood as a person at all (quite the opposite actually) and I definitely wasn't trying to get fixed, but I understand that those are common problems. What I did feel was that our conversations were unfulfilling and that our world views were very different. Have you ever been in a conversation where, in the midst of it, you withdraw into your own mind and comment "ugh, this is dull, how do I take this somewhere interesting?" Have you ever met people whom you couldn't take conversation to interesting places (for yourself) with? A lot of what kept me trying was avoidance of hurting her, but conflict-avoidance is no foundation for a real relationship. Also, the relationship (1 month long only) began with alcoholic-lubricated interactions (a big red flag).

Thanks for the input though.

You are only brushing the surface of what we are saying. If you want depth you have to plumb for it, it sounds like this person was dull either way, its not because she was an S, it was probably because she was dull.

 

[elect locution]

Ignore [MENTION=731]UBERROGO[/MENTION] he gets offended if anyone mentions not wishing to date sensors...he's given me negative rep for it and all.

I know what you mean. I've been on and off with a sensor for the last 2 years and it's really difficult sometimes, yet he still has this hold over me I can't break. It's made me realise for the future I don't know if S types are right for me.

similar to yourself I found some of the conversation challenging...not that we don't have good conversations sometimes, but he doesn't really get my N. He can take bits of it...but it's like he expects it to just be some sort of mood I go through every now and then and I should switch it off the rest of the time. He's very literal and sometimes that gets on my nerves...a lot of us N types like to discuss things in more depth, and my sensor is happy with one word sentences which drive me up the wall sometimes.

There are loads of things that don't seem to translate for us, and that is very difficult when we both care so much.

I'm really sorry you're going through a tough time with it and that it hurts so much, but I'm glad you've learned something about yourself and how you operate with others for future reference.

Thanks for your understanding. It really helps a lot. I like your mentioning of switching off N--that's what I felt I had to do the vast majority of the time I was with her. This was incredibly uncomfortable and unfulfilling for me.

 

[elect locution]

You are only brushing the surface of what we are saying. If you want depth you have to plumb for it, it sounds like this person was dull either way, its not because she was an S, it was probably because she was dull.

Sure, dull is dull. I have filled in a lot of my discontent over the years with spiritual cultivation and good friends whom I do have fantastic conversations with. My perspective on relationships is to find an effective companion, not complete acceptance nor unconditional love and understanding.

What am I only brushing the surface of? Please elaborate.

 

[MrDoobie]

What am I only brushing the surface of? Please elaborate.

I even tried to design for myself an entirely new life outlook based around the idea of having a sensor partner--the least of which involves telling myself that she keeps me grounded, I will be able to learn from her, and that we will grow mutually.

This is where you went wrong, right here. I'm hoping you understand that, and I also hope you give "S's" another chance. It's not that she was an "S", it's that you guys just weren't the right people at the right time.