Shadow Type Relationships

melatonin

melatonin

Community Member
MBTI
INFJ
Enneagram
Nine wing one
Let me first preface this by saying I am fully aware of the fact that the success of a relationship is NOT determined by types; each individual is their own personal and unique type. With that in mind, I was merely curious as to how two shadow types would theoretically match up against each other, because I do believe that type factors into to who we are, generally speaking.

...also, I have to admit that I also pose a personal dilema that relates :)

I have a friend who is so blatantly ESTP it's absurd. He's entirely free spirited and innovative, always living in the moment, though he can be a bit calloused when it comes to the thoughts and feelings of other people. We met a few years back and instantly shared a mutual, albeit unorthodox, kinship of a sort; we would always go head to head on almost everything, exchanging sharp banter lightheartedly and occasional existentialism even. He'd frustrate me to the end of my rope but something always brought me back to him, and for some reason he seemed just as interested in me (I was later told by mutual friends that this was known as 'flirting').

Lately, I've been thinking about what I feel for him... but it saddens me to think that it couldn't work due to his aversion to commitment. Still, I can't help but be hopeful whenever he shoots me a disarming smile or uses terms of endearment. And after all these years I've never figured out the inexplicable pull we've had towards each other, ever since the beginning.

I got around to thinking about the old saying 'opposites attract' and I was wondering if INFJs and ESTPs (and the other shadow type matches for that matter) are more prone to some sort of relationship. Is it such that the shadow functions, mirror images of each other, end up balancing each individual out? Or would it make more sense for more conflict to arise?
 
In socionics, it's called 'relations of conflict'. Though it sounds alarming, it could teach you so much about what you're not (i.e, ESTP or INFJ). You're in for something that will 'keep you on the edge of your seat', which is neither a good thing or bad thing entirely by itself. It is much more defined by excitement than conflict (for that matter, I have two ESTP friends, both who I enjoy the company of).

I've been close to an ESFP lass (not close enough, sadly :( ), which is marginally close, and it's gone quite well. Obviously there are some differences between SPs and NFs, but they're not exactly boundaries at all if you're both mutually attracted. I think love overrides everything if that's the case.

Best of luck.
 
Both. Balancing will happen, as result of conflicts. PLENTY of conflicts. In between the small stuffs vs the big stuffs, day by day vs thinking for the future..and such, and such.

At best, it's both interesting to see someone so different from you.
At worst, it's hair-pulling frustrating to see someone so different from you.
 
My sister is probably an ESTP. She is a heartbreaker. She was even engaged to a guy and they broke it off one week before the wedding. I adore my sister because being around her is a tremendous amount of fun. She can also make me want to slap her because she is indifferent to others--thinks nothing of letting everybody wait on her while she dawdles around. I know typeology isn't the end all be all but my sister always did better with an E type rather than an I type. However her biggest love in college was probaby a IXFX. Don't know if that helps.
 
I've always thought that some letters tend to make relationships more balanced, and some letters tend to make relationships much harder than with similar types.

For example, E/I and J/P can easily balance each other out if both parties are mature.

T/F can be harder, since Ts tend not to think about feelings much.

N/S is probably the hardest to interact with, because I think it goes to the core, more than anything else, of someone's life and communications. N/S communicate in totally different ways, and will never understand each other on the same level that other letters can adjust to.
 
I was dating a wonderful person who is a complete opposite of my type, an ESTJ, we were very careful, yet not afraid, we had an understanding of our different nature, and admired the differences, respected and loved each other as long as circumstances allowed. Opposites do attract and it could work. . theoretically and practically. Just like any good relationship it requires a little miracle.

Sooner or later when lust is at bay and the two decide to drop all the walls and let each other in -- a very strong bond could develop . . or a complete disaster. Ying and yang must be in a very delicate balance, to co-exist, not to overpower one another.
 
Hey all- thanks for the advice and sorry for not responding sooner. I've been quite busy lately.

roxtehproxy: I don't know if either of us are ready for 'love' yet haha, him especially, but the attraction is boiled down to the excitement factor I think.

trifolium: I've seen the best and worst with Mr. ESTP that's for sure. I suppose being so different fascinates us both, thus creating excitement.

Sonya: Haha, your sister sounds like quite the handful :/ I've never considered dating E types, they've always been I's (INFP, ISFJ, INTP). That's probably due to shyness mixed with stubbornness on my part :P

AhSver: Thank you... that comforts me to know, and I'm happy for you and I wish you the best for your relationship :)

SpilledMilk: And here lies the problem for me- the communication aspect. It's almost like a gamble; either we have completely conflicting views on something or, by some twisted miracle, we're able to reach some convoluted conclusion (though I suspect that the ESTP in him is able to vocalize the tangents in my INFJ mind to some degree). When the former happens, we're both too stubborn to let anything go up until the point where we miss each other. When the latter happens, I can't help but feel something stir inside of me, and things get quiet and I have one of those tilt-your-head-and-think-'huh' moments. Whatever that means :)
 
Hi, all. I'm a brand newbie to the forum and this is my first post, so please forgive any faux pas I may make.

I have been looking into types again lately since I have encountered what I'm almost certain is an ESTP male, though he has not tested and has no interest in doing so. In fact, when I start to talk to him about type he totally glazes over and changes the subject as soon as he can. This is one of the aforementioned frustrations with the N/S difference that we have - I could spend hours thinking about, analyzing, and trying to understand the behavior of everyone I know including myself, and he just frankly does not give a crap. He just does, and keeps doing, and keeps doing, like a shark that has to move forward. There are many things I admire about this, as I can sit around and endlessly ponder the possibilities of something without ever actually getting off my bum and doing something about it. He inspires me to action.

So, we're already involved, and though I'd known him for several years, this getting together was a bit of a whirlwind. He was so direct with me and what he wanted, and I fended him off for a while because I was both shocked and unsure, but then found myself thinking and wondering about him constantly so I relented. It was very much a moth-to-the-flame situation. Now, I know from my reading that he's not likely to want a committed relationship, so I'm thinking to myself that I had better get out before I get too emotionally involved. But damn, all I can say is, it's hot. Very difficult to leave.

I find him so fascinating because everything that comes so hard to me comes so easily to him. He owns a room when he walks into it. He knows everyone and people flock to him. He makes certain everyone is having a good time, tells the best jokes, pokes fun at people in a pleasing way, and is the leader in any major social excursion. He drew me out and it takes a very adept con-artist to get through my BS detectors. We seem to innately understand each other while being nothing alike.

Help! Should I run?
 
You can stay and enjoy it as a casual relationship but if that person has told you out right what they want and it is not what you want then of course it won't work out in the long run. Not every relationship has to be "it". You can appreciate it for what it is and when the time comes where there is a natural dissolution...leave. If being an INFj you know before it gets too deep that it isn't going to work, you may want to neutralize the situation and explain to the person what it is you feel. Don't give a lame excuse, just be honest and they should appreciate it. He might have sought you out but he is not entitled to you.
 
Well, that is a good point that this doesn't have to be "it," although of course as an INFJ I want to make every relationship "it." And I really should give him a chance by explaining what's going on with me - who knows, I could be surprised. But I'm wondering if the very nature of our opposite personalities means that it could never really work, that we're just too different.

I really would like to hear from people who are in ESTP/INFJ relationships, to find out what works and what doesn't, if there's hope or if I should run from my current ESTP man. I feel a bit like The Fool from the tarot deck, about to step off into the abyss. I appreciate that what blueflame said is really not to choose an extreme necessarily but consider it more of a journey, and that's worthy advice. I've just been hurt too many times to take a lot of risks.
 
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