Should we become selfish in our life?

[Roger]

Okay... please keep in mind... I don't mean any offense to anyone...
I hope it's okay if I just share my point of view even if it's a little different...

I agree with everything about needing to balance our care for others and our care for ourselves, but I can't agree with the use of the word selfish itself... probably because when I was brought up, I was taught that to be selfish is a bad thing... which certainly... it is... according to its definition anyway.

The reason I dislike the use of the word selfish is because we know what "selfish" really means."Selfish" means that we are disregarding others and only focused on ourselves. The word selfish infers no sense of balance of that focus.

When my children were young I had to teach them how to share and not be selfish.
Would I appreciate it if someone came along and said, oh no, your mom was wrong, it's ok to be selfish? Certainly not.

I think the concept we're actually discussing is called 'personal boundaries'. Having healthy personal boundaries is important in life. We need to learn that there's a time when it's okay to say no, and a time when it's important to say yes... balance. I don't like calling it "selfish" though.

Healthy boundaries are something I have been striving toward for a long time. Mine were stomped all over when I was a kid. Even just daring to state my point of view is something I learned to do in the past 2 years from being in online forums.

Anyhow... good subject.

Oh, I wanted to say that I have seen people with unhealthy boundaries who are always serving other people and never take care of themselves. On the surface that looks so saintly, but in reality there can be a lot of unhealthy issues feeding that kind of behavior.

But on the other hand, there are some types which are very service oriented and they certainly shouldn't be condemned for doing what comes naturally to them.

I agree with those who have said that having a balance where you look after yourself and others is something we should strive for.

I mean even in an airplane, they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then put one on your child. What good would it do your child if you passed out?

Hello intjmom,

I agree with you completely. No doubt, you are right. But here, i had tried something else different, It is about be happy in your life. This is also way to bring happiness in your life. Isn't it? Look, in every posts they are fully aware of one thing, just be selfish in such a way that harms no one.

 

[Milon]

I think INTJMom is advocating the use of a word different than 'selfish'. Selfish has destructive, narcissistic connotations. Self-care might be a better phrase, though that doesn't fully capture it either. Self-love maybe? I'll leave this to others to debate over.

Carry on!

 

[Roger]

I think INTJMom is advocating the use of a word different than 'selfish'. Selfish has destructive, narcissistic connotations. Self-care might be a better phrase, though that doesn't fully capture it either. Self-love maybe? I'll leave this to others to debate over.

Carry on!

When full selfish is there, it may be dangerous, i believe...

 

[TinyBubbles]

It's not selfish to want to be happy and to take care of yourself first, that's just human nature. It IS selfish to disregard the fact that virtually everyone else wants the same thing. In a world of limited resources, time, and scope of empathy, you have to discover situation by situation what is the correct thing to do. Clearly in some circumstances it's better to be selfish, for instance you can't take care of your family without being physically and mentally sound yourself. In other cases it'd be more apt to put others ahead of you, such as if they're sick and in immediate need of support. Of course, whether you help them or not even in those kinds of situations won't necessarily say anything negative about your character; good and bad are relative after all, but imo it's probably better to assist them, as then you'd at least evade the chances of a guilty conscience.
Guess it really depends on your ethics then, how fluid they are; how much importance you give to them.

 

[Roger]

It's not selfish to want to be happy and to take care of yourself first, that's just human nature. It IS selfish to disregard the fact that virtually everyone else wants the same thing. In a world of limited resources, time, and scope of empathy, you have to discover situation by situation what is the correct thing to do. Clearly in some circumstances it's better to be selfish, for instance you can't take care of your family without being physically and mentally sound yourself. In other cases it'd be more apt to put others ahead of you, such as if they're sick and in immediate need of support. Of course, whether you help them or not even in those kinds of situations won't necessarily say anything negative about your character; good and bad are relative after all, but imo it's probably better to assist them, as then you'd at least evade the chances of a guilty conscience.
Guess it really depends on your ethics then, how fluid they are; how much importance you give to them.

Thank you all of you for great responses, i loved your responses. I believe you. This is a great lesson for me!

I wish people who has not responded here, please drop your messages to me, i am willing to know your opinion and willing to understand it.

Thank you again...

 

[Entyqua]

I have never been a selfish person, I always give give give, I am always hurt by this too...I feel I am truely altruistic...but then there are debates about how you can never be truly unselfish, because in some ways you are still getting something from your unselfishness...a good feeling...so all in all I am more selfish because all my giving makes me feel good...It makes me feel like such a selfish person when I think on this paradox...
Now my brain hurts and I feel like poo...

 

[Roger]

I have never been a selfish person, I always give give give, I am always hurt by this too...I feel I am truely altruistic...but then there are debates about how you can never be truly unselfish, because in some ways you are still getting something from your unselfishness...a good feeling...so all in all I am more selfish because all my giving makes me feel good...It makes me feel like such a selfish person when I think on this paradox...
Now my brain hurts and I feel like poo...

But entyqua, tell me sometimes don't you think that you should think about your happiness? About your future? Don't you feel at such conditions, you are bit selfish? I mean 10% of yourself.

 

[Entyqua]

But entyqua, tell me sometimes don't you think that you should think about your happiness? About your future? Don't you feel at such conditions, you are bit selfish? I mean 10% of yourself.

I know I should, but...if I go and buy a new top...I think about what else that could have been used for...There are starving children all over the world...why should I get a new top! Seriously!

Or in terms of my inner self...I give all I am to my family...I dont see a need to save any for me...I have been told that I lack self confidence because I dont save things for me...but I dont know how to...I know its something I need to work on...Deal with my daemons...I have said before, from a very young age it was beaten into me how worthless, and undeserving I was. Its a hard thing to overcome.

 

[Roger]

I know I should, but...if I go and buy a new top...I think about what else that could have been used for...There are starving children all over the world...why should I get a new top! Seriously!

Or in terms of my inner self...I give all I am to my family...I dont see a need to save any for me...I have been told that I lack self confidence because I dont save things for me...but I dont know how to...I know its something I need to work on...Deal with my daemons...I have said before, from a very young age it was beaten into me how worthless, and undeserving I was. Its a hard thing to overcome.

Ohh, right and agree with your feelings. You showed here perfect feeling for difficult situation. *hug*

 

[Entyqua]

Ohh, right and agree with your feelings. You showed here perfect feeling for difficult situation. *hug*

Thank you!

 

[Ria]

Is looking after yourself first always being selfish?

One conversation I keep having with my wife is that if she's got someone who's going through a tough patch and she immerses herself within it to the point where she's as distraught as they are then she's then of less use to them. People under stress need help and support, it's fine to sympathise with them and empathy is sometimes required but to actually end up in the same state of stress as they are? That's detrimental to both you and your capacity to help them. So I guess being selfish (which keeping your emotional distance could be defined to be) is sometimes the most generous thing you can do... oddly.

If your wife is continuously helping others and is imersed in it to the point that she is taking on their pain, then yes, it is wise for her to be selfish. It's great she is emotionally available for others, yet if she is finding it difficult to separate from afterwards, then it's important she has a safe place to go for release and support for herself. She is going to be able to do this herself to some degree, but she may need to think about having a sounding board for herself too...

Hopefully, you and her friends are supportive enough of her, that she can find comfort. Somehow, I have always been able to be empathetic, but have never taken anyone's pain home with me. Yes, I have learned and mastered the art of being selfish in this case, and to some degree, self absorbed. I agree too, that in order to maintain a distance, you have to establish very strong and firm boundaries with yourself for yourself, so as not become too much of a giver in life to others...


... it's funny, I just read this, and yet if I go back on many of my posts, I say just the opposite of myself. I'm afraid to say that to some degree, I am a paradox in the sense that if the giving is going out to my residents or friends, then I am able to be more selfish with not owning their pain while still being empatheitc and emotionally available to them However, when it comes to my own family bubble (bf and kids), then I am less selfish, and I am having to really try and work on this I guess...

 

[INTJMom]

...but then there are debates about how you can never be truly unselfish, because in some ways you are still getting something from your unselfishness...a good feeling...

Oh yeah...
I seen one of those discussions...
It made me so depressed I wanted to die.
I think there is such a thing as being over-analytical.
I'm not even going there again.

 

[Xander]

I am having to really try and work on this I guess...

Meh. Consistancy = conformity.. we don't want that. Just make sure to refuse people help every once in a while... really helps keep a gap there.

Oh and please remind me of that regularly. I'm probably twice as bad as you at taking my own darn advice!!

 

[Entyqua]

Oh yeah...
I seen one of those discussions...
It made me so depressed I wanted to die.
I think there is such a thing as being over-analytical.
I'm not even going there again.

Me too...As I wrote that last night I feel back into that pit...

 

[sookie]

If you think of the word selfish.

ish- something that is 'like' (pinkish- it is like pink)
self- the illusion of separateness that is 'me.'

I dont know if this idea is going to muddy the waters even more. We all suffer pain and loneliness in this life. We are in some way united in our lonliness. Which meanst that we are in fact not alone

I just helped a friend that was really struggling. Her pain made me feel badly. I told her things that I thought she should hear. I asked permission before I did this.

We so often "should". I should be this or I should be that.

I should be kind, I should be selfless.

I propose taking the should out of it.

When I helped my friend I felt better after. Yeah I got something out of it.

What was more important to me was that SHE felt better. She did.

I think that I am trying to think of others as if they are an extension of me.
I want to free myself from the weight of all of the shoulds, things are they way they are.

I have to trust my wisdom, follow my heart.

 

[Entyqua]

If you think of the word selfish.

ish- something that is 'like' (pinkish- it is like pink)
self- the illusion of separateness that is 'me.'

I dont know if this idea is going to muddy the waters even more. We all suffer pain and loneliness in this life. We are in some way united in our lonliness. Which meanst that we are in fact not alone

I just helped a friend that was really struggling. Her pain made me feel badly. I told her things that I thought she should hear. I asked permission before I did this.

We so often "should". I should be this or I should be that.

I should be kind, I should be selfless.

I propose taking the should out of it.

When I helped my friend I felt better after. Yeah I got something out of it.

What was more important to me was that SHE felt better. She did.

I think that I am trying to think of others as if they are an extension of me.
I want to free myself from the weight of all of the shoulds, things are they way they are.

I have to trust my wisdom, follow my heart.

even your very profound posts are poetic...Now I feel like i must strive to removed all shoulds from my life...

I do <3 you sookie!

 

[sookie]

All the while I have been having this 'knee crisis"

Pain so bad I need a cane to go down stairs. I had a wonderful energy session this morning that helped me. I know that it was important to not get wrapped up in this situation and take care of myself but allow myself the chance to help someone else...

 

[sookie]

I LOVE YOU TOO ENTYQUA!!!!

 

[Roger]

I am able to grasp good ideas from here. Thank you sookie.

This thread was filtering of idea for me and you are filtering my ideas. Great, isn't it?

 

[Entyqua]

All the while I have been having this 'knee crisis"

Pain so bad I need a cane to go down stairs. I had a wonderful energy session this morning that helped me. I know that it was important to not get wrapped up in this situation and take care of myself but allow myself the chance to help someone else...

Knee Crisis??? Oh no!! Are you hurt??? My mom broke both her knee caps three years ago...ifn ya need to talk about it...I know lots!