Single for life...
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MisterNi
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Saying that you haven't met the right person and saying that you want to consciously make the effort to be single are two completely different things. It sounds like you don't want to be single for a good portion of your life; you just haven't met the right person and are cynical to the idea that you'll be attracted to anyone else in your age group. That's rather short-sighted and you're likely missing a lot of chances to meeting great people because of your decision.
Don't worry, I suspect your attitude will change in a few years or if the right person comes along.
Saying that you haven't met the right person and saying that you want to consciously make the effort to be single are two completely different things. It sounds like you don't want to be single for a good portion of your life; you just haven't met the right person and are cynical to the idea that you'll be attracted to anyone else in your age group. That's rather short-sighted and you're likely missing a lot of chances to meeting great people because of your decision.
Don't worry, I suspect your attitude will change in a few years or if the right person comes along.
Im very careful with my wording for this reason. I just said I am coming around to the idea of being single for sometime not that I have decided on such a thing. I use to be against being single and really wanted to be with someone because I thought I was missing out on a great part of life. Once I got into relationships I realized that my life was pretty much the same with some added benefits but also I was being limited from the things I enjoyed while I was single. Really it's like eating a food you don't like. My taste buds might change with time or I just havnt had a chef cook it the way I like it. I am more so just going with the flow but also making the observation that if I was single for an exstended period, I would not mind it.
MisterNi
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Matt3737
Similes are like songs in love.
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When people ask me why I don't have a girlfriend or why I'm not married, I will humorously remark about how expensive girlfriends are and how currently poor I am.
But in all seriousness, singledom is (especially for significant periods of time) an unusually liminal status; one of comfortable indulgence and self-development along with worrisome self-complacency and solitude.
I don't mind being single, but I do worry often if I am too comfortable with being single and what is my motivation to do otherwise?
But in all seriousness, singledom is (especially for significant periods of time) an unusually liminal status; one of comfortable indulgence and self-development along with worrisome self-complacency and solitude.
I don't mind being single, but I do worry often if I am too comfortable with being single and what is my motivation to do otherwise?
MisterNi
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If you see women as an expenditure, then it's no wonder you're still single.
That's clearly something you'll have to come to a conclusion on. If you're comfortable being single then you'll continue to be so unless/until you're no longer content to be alone or if you're willing to leave your comfort zone and seek someone out.
Matt3737
Similes are like songs in love.
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It's a rhetorical question; a veiled invitation to intimacy from an interested party. My response is to nonchalantly and politely decline using humor to divert the topic in a likewise rhetorical fashion.
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knight in battle
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Being single just means you're not ready to go beyond your current capacity for relationship. Take this opportunity to explore the many different aspects of marriage as they already exist in your current relationships: friendship, intimacy, commitment, forgiveness, delight, compatibility. If you are able to see these aspects in your current friends, you will find what you like and dislike about any given person and whether you would want this in a mate. For now, focus more on the enjoyable aspects of people in general in your life, rather than a prospective marriage.
FamineGT
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Ouch! But personally for myself it applies. ^^
Spending the time single to build myself up in all aspects of my life. That way if someone else happens to come along I might not think the same way...but that's only when I'm ready to do so. ^^
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Same here Sali, its been 8 years for me to and I honestly don't know what to think. I honestly wonder if I could even function in an relationship simple because it would be so foreign.
It seems there are some mixed intentions to this thread and what my purpose was in positing it so hopefully this post clears some things up. Even though my experiences with relationships have affected my desire to have further relationships, it is not as a result of bitterness or hatred to those I dated. I apologize if this is how I came off in making this post. The experiences I have had dating have been both good and bad but I have no regrets. I learned so much and experienced so much and just because they have failed, it is not a negative. I have learned the type of persons I do get along with and what I want from my relationships. There is disappointment that they did not work out but really I have no bitterness towards anybody. If not for the emotions that existed, I would like to be friends but that would just be inviting drama into the situation and I hate drama.
What I have come to realize is that there is a big conflict between what I and all my partners want in regards to what is desired in life and from the relationship. This is not to say that one side is right or wrong, but just simply that they are different. It also does not mean I love them any less or make the experiences we had worth any less. It is just disappointing that this conflict is the common issue so far expressed in my serious and casual relationships. Because of the experiences in my life, what I place a value in tends to be different then most my age. Death tends to have that effect on people. As I have stated before, I tend to take on the roll of giving more than receiving. It is just natural for me to be that way and sadly it ends with me being drained because I do not do enough to take care of my own needs. I have worked on this by be being clear from the beginning what my needs are and how to meet them but you cannot force somebody to care or act on what information you give them.
I also hate complaining and nagging so I avoid doing it. If there is an issue, I just fix it which results in a disproportionate amount of things being done by me which further results in me being drained. This is where I myself have not developed enough to know when to say enough is enough and let my partner take care of themselves. My partners have all mentioned how they admire this trait about me and is part of what makes them love me but the issue is that people naturally take the path of lease resistance. They start taking advantage of this trait and do less and less while I do more and more until I can
What I have come to realize is that there is a big conflict between what I and all my partners want in regards to what is desired in life and from the relationship. This is not to say that one side is right or wrong, but just simply that they are different. It also does not mean I love them any less or make the experiences we had worth any less. It is just disappointing that this conflict is the common issue so far expressed in my serious and casual relationships. Because of the experiences in my life, what I place a value in tends to be different then most my age. Death tends to have that effect on people. As I have stated before, I tend to take on the roll of giving more than receiving. It is just natural for me to be that way and sadly it ends with me being drained because I do not do enough to take care of my own needs. I have worked on this by be being clear from the beginning what my needs are and how to meet them but you cannot force somebody to care or act on what information you give them.
I also hate complaining and nagging so I avoid doing it. If there is an issue, I just fix it which results in a disproportionate amount of things being done by me which further results in me being drained. This is where I myself have not developed enough to know when to say enough is enough and let my partner take care of themselves. My partners have all mentioned how they admire this trait about me and is part of what makes them love me but the issue is that people naturally take the path of lease resistance. They start taking advantage of this trait and do less and less while I do more and more until I can
FamineGT
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I find no matter how honest you are with your partner, sometimes they're just not honest with themselves. Sometimes they don't mean to be that way and have good intentions initially. The longer they are in the relationship, however, they realize that what they thought they could handle they really can't and that's when things turn into a mess.
I see that you would probably prefer someone who can function independently and has their life in relative order rather than them deferring to you for help and advice. The thing I would watch out for, is if they have a problem and you decide to step in to help them out. You mentioned your perfectionist nature, so this could be instinctual for you to react this way. If you have the mindset that they're able to handle their own problems, then this will be less of an issue and it'll be easier for you to let go and not get involved.
The downside of you situation is that I don't see girls around your age who will be willing to enter into this kind of situation. Most (not all) girls around your age will want to have fun, explore their life options, and/or require that certain level of attention from a relationship which could make it seem more like a chore than anything else. You've asked about the question of "what do I gain from it?", which is a valid point. The thing is I'm sure the girl at the other end is probably thinking the same thing. For your sake, I would hope that their interest in you is for reasons other then the fact that you can solve their problems.
Another tricky thing to consider is if the girl is independent and has her life in relative order, then what would make her consider you as a potential partner? If it's for the mutual respect/appreciation that both of you are able to handle your own ends in life, then that would be ideal. Unfortunately, I would think there are other reasons why someone would be considered (appearence, security, abilities, hobbies, etc.)
My suggestion at this point is to continue being honest to people who may desire to sek a relationship with you, but focus on your priorities and what you need to get done. You might have to nip drama in the bud fairly early to weed out potenial partners that might drain you in the long run. You're still young, so you have the time to take care of your needs and potentially find someone that will be of mutual benefit to both of you. You also seem to have the right approach/mindset to the situation so I think you'll be fine. I hope this helps!
I see that you would probably prefer someone who can function independently and has their life in relative order rather than them deferring to you for help and advice. The thing I would watch out for, is if they have a problem and you decide to step in to help them out. You mentioned your perfectionist nature, so this could be instinctual for you to react this way. If you have the mindset that they're able to handle their own problems, then this will be less of an issue and it'll be easier for you to let go and not get involved.
The downside of you situation is that I don't see girls around your age who will be willing to enter into this kind of situation. Most (not all) girls around your age will want to have fun, explore their life options, and/or require that certain level of attention from a relationship which could make it seem more like a chore than anything else. You've asked about the question of "what do I gain from it?", which is a valid point. The thing is I'm sure the girl at the other end is probably thinking the same thing. For your sake, I would hope that their interest in you is for reasons other then the fact that you can solve their problems.
Another tricky thing to consider is if the girl is independent and has her life in relative order, then what would make her consider you as a potential partner? If it's for the mutual respect/appreciation that both of you are able to handle your own ends in life, then that would be ideal. Unfortunately, I would think there are other reasons why someone would be considered (appearence, security, abilities, hobbies, etc.)
My suggestion at this point is to continue being honest to people who may desire to sek a relationship with you, but focus on your priorities and what you need to get done. You might have to nip drama in the bud fairly early to weed out potenial partners that might drain you in the long run. You're still young, so you have the time to take care of your needs and potentially find someone that will be of mutual benefit to both of you. You also seem to have the right approach/mindset to the situation so I think you'll be fine. I hope this helps!
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knight in battle
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I like your sense of what is important to you.
Great point. I have the same mentality of having certain friends until they're married.
QuietlyBrilliant
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I understand what you're saying, however, I think your Fe will be going crazy when you meet your soulmate.