The Career Singles Thread

[randomsomeone]

I had something of an epiphany (a fancy word for "duh!!") a few years back when I could tell my heart was going stone cold. I could see the future (an INFJ thing, right?) and I was alone in it. As the ice encroached around my heart and the last embers began to fade, I realized that just because I would have no lover in my life that that meant love was totally dead. It was not...I am a loving person by nature!!! So I began expressing my love for my friends...the ladies in my life (not my kids...that's seperate). Nothing weird, just appropriate and genuine warmth and caring and concern and interest. It was a good reacquisition of equilibrium for me, I think, teetering on the brink as I was. Human friendship is a wonderful thing...and there are lots of single people out there just trying to get by. We don't need drama...but honest caring is most welcome.

The problem is also this...many of us, even the happily married ones, will have to face singleness one day. When my dad died a few years back, my mom suddenly faced a lonely existance...she made it through. Sure, as some point in life relationships look very different, but that does not erase the very real spectre of companionship lost. Imagine losing a life-long partner!! I think it is good to realize that life is not over, that life can be whole.....or at least survivable.....at least on good days. One must learn to get over the inevitable and unavoidable rough patches.

 

[randomsomeone]

sure that no one wants to hear from a 'used to be single for a long time' but, here it is anyway.

Your insight is most welcome as always!!!

I have a friend who had one failed relationship after another...single, divorced, single, divorced, single divorced...and yes, the list goes on...not good, very painful, very expensive. Anyway, at some point he finally met Susan and things have been great ever since. Thing is....he knows what he has..he knows very well...and treats her like a queen. It's sweet really...she is his very best friend. Yes it took him some time to get there, but it was worth it. If we ever depart the wonderful world of career singleness, it should be for a relationship like that.

 

[shannishannon]

This thread resonates with me... been single/divorced, twice, currently in single sorta engaged phase. I always knew I wasn't the "marrying" type -did so to maintain some misguided veneer of social normalcy and respectability. Always thought if I WORKED REAL HARD AT IT marriage might be alright,but it never was. Problem with being a marriage avoidant type female it seems to bring marriage minded males out of the woodwork.

 

[Questingpoet]

I was pretty much single for 6 years (although in horrible relationships for 3 years before and after it - where I might as well have been single). I loved being single. I love being in the relationship I'm in now though too. I was determined that I was going to find 'Mr. Right'' and not 'Mr. Right Now,' or stay single. I feel very blessed to have found such a wonderful guy, but it required so much patience. The problem with being single, for me, was that men always seemed to have certain expectations. I wasn't single because I wasn't attractive or had other good qualities, it's that I wasn't interested in shacking up with Joe off the street. My sweetie and I started off as good friends, and it blossomed from there. I do know what it's like to be single, for a long, long time. It's a nice feeling knowing that everything you have you've earned for yourself, and it's also great to feel like you don't have responsibility for others. It got very lonely for me sometimes, excruciatingly so, but eventually I would always decide I could live with that if it meant being in a meaningful relationship rather than merely being in a relationship to ease the loneliness. And I never really minded being alone, or depending on myself.

It's different for my brother. He's turning 31 this year and has never had a girlfriend. The only reason for this, I think, is that he puts such high expectations on finding the 'right woman' but is unwilling to be friends with her first. He wants her to have an immediate attraction to him, and love every little thing about him no matter what.

Anyway, I'm sure that no one wants to hear from a 'used to be single for a long time' but, here it is anyway.

Are you kidding? Of course we want to hear from you! We all need to hear you perspective. Especially those who are younger; they are smart enough on this board to learn from it! You are in the same neighborhood as my blog post today! And thanks for the insight into you!!

 

[Moxie]

Oh, shucks everyone, you guys are so supportive and wonderful! I just know that I both loved and hated stories like mine. I was single for a long time. Everyone thought I was a freak. I would have men say, "But you're pretty, what's wrong with you that you're single?" I always just grinned and checked that person off my list - lol. I would go to bars by myself and have cherry cokes and listen to music. I searched out all the bands in the neighborhood and went by myself to see them every weekend - I didn't have a need necessarily to talk to anyone, although I would meet people at the shows and became a regular (although why everyone always pushes you to drink, I dunno!). I had a mission to see every band in the neighborhood. I learned in Detroit that we have a great music scene, and Albuquerque has an awful one - lol (I didn't realize that about Detroit until I moved to Albuquerque). I think people definitely thought I was an odd bird going out by myself all the time and not talking to anyone very much (especially as a woman!!!), but I really enjoyed myself. Anyway live music always lightened my mood, and I loved seeing all the quirky people in the bands. I would sum up all my single years by simply saying 'questing.' I quested to be the best person I could be without other people's judgment. And I quested to figure out who the best and worst bands were, and where the best avenues were for music. It was fun actually.