I vascillated from being extremely calm to a serious troublemaker; my mother ran a daycare service out of our home when I was a child, and I think I was jealous. She says I was actually sort of mean to the other children when I was very young, which I really, really regret and feel awful about. Other times, I would sit very quietly and not say a single word and be perfectly content for very long periods; there's a video of me quietly sitting in front of my cake at my third birthday party, and in the background you can hear one of the other mothers saying to my mother, "She's so incredibly calm!"
Aside from being spanked often for my antisocial behavior, my father spanked me a lot for being overly emotional. He always had a horrible temper, and I was really afraid of him, so the littlest things he'd say to me would always make me cry. Then, he would spank me for crying "excessively," and then I'd cry some more. I mean, I would get really, really, really upset and sob so hard that I'd get headaches and my face would turn red. It was never a conscious thing, but I don't think my parents ever understood that I really couldn't help it. They always thought I was throwing temper tantrums to get attention, so they just spanked me for it and then went on ignoring me, thinking I would eventually realize that it didn't work. But I was just that upset. (That is a bit embarassing to admit. I hope I am not the only one that cried that much as a child.)
I am still incredibly close with my mother, but I very rarely speak to my father. He e-mails me occasionally and I respond politely.
In elementary school, I lived to impress my teachers. I loved how they would always fawn over my good grades and creative efforts, and the happiest four days of the year were always the days on which I brought home report cards rife with S+'s and positive notes to my parents. I rarely disobeyed, and when I did, it would be something like talking during class, and when lightly reprimanded, I would turn beet red and look down at my feet in shame. I was generally well-liked by my classmates (though I never socialized with boys), and even though I had many female friends, I always felt like I was looking for something that they weren't, like I expected more out of our friendship than they did. (I suppose they wanted a playmate, while I was looking for a deeper connection accompanied by loyalty, or something.) However, I met my best friend through the gifted program in second grade, and that was the only friendship I maintained for more than a few years; I had finally found someone on the same level of intelligence and maturity as myself. Meeting her was a huge relief, and we are still best friends today.
I was sort of mopey in middle school. After my parents divorced (age 14), I changed schools, so I didn't know anyone, and I really didn't start to find my place until I was in my junior year of high school. I sort of bounced around between groups of "friends," never really feeling like things were quite right. Everything is fine now, though. I think as I've gotten older, I've realized that if I want people to accept me, all I have to do is make the effort to meet them halfway and keep telling myself that other people aren't nearly as critical of my "social awkwardness" as I am. I always expected people to just approach me and want to be my best friend, and that was immature of me.
I feel like I just spilled way too much information, but I guess I was hoping that someone might find something that reminded them of themselves so I would feel like a little less of an oddball.
