It’s the INFJ men that are picky!
As a male INFJ, I can attest to that.
Sadly, that just makes us assholes
It’s the INFJ men that are picky!
@Wyote do you cry when looking at beautiful sunsets?
Is there a reason why many male INFJs are gay? Just curious, I've seen a few posts emphasizing STRAIGHT, unless it is a big deal I think it specifies too much to an extent that it makes me feel a bit uneasy. Please inform me.
Welcome back @Grey Wolf ! Hope to see more of you around here
Well, I'm going to provide you with a quote from Chris Rock. "A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something." All of this love-talk stuff is nice, but you've got to be capable of paying the bills and taking care of yourself.But at the same time, I've found this to be a double-edged sword. My tendency to daydream, mixed with my emotional intensity, is an absolutely lethal and self-destructing combination when it comes to the dating game. As males, we're constantly bombarded with the same dating cliches and advice. "Play it cool," you're told. "Don't get too invested," or, "the person who cares least has the upper hand in the relationship." And in a sense, although a lot of these tidbits of advice come straight from How I Met Your Mother or He's Just Not That Into You or any of the other thousands of shows and movies in Hollywood that deal with these topics, I think there's a bit of truth to it. At first, when you meet someone new, you do need to play it cool a little bit, at least in my opinion. You need to try to take it slow, get to know her a little bit, and let everything play out naturally. In theory, this sounds like a great plan. You don't want to scare a girl off before you two even know each other on a serious level. You can't get too intense too fast.
And, as the saying goes, "therein lies the problem" for a straight INFJ male such as myself. It is impossible to "play it cool." I can't do it. I'm 23 years old, and I've tried and tried and tried, and constantly remind myself not to get too attached too fast with women, but I just can't. Just as I always daydreaming about playing Major League Baseball and could tell you on command which player won the American League MVP every year since 1966, the exact same thing happens when I meet a girl and either want to date her or have started dating her. There's no in-between, no such thing as "she seems cool, let's see where this goes" sort of thing for me. Right off the bat, if I'm attracted to you and want to get to know you, I immediately want to know everything about you. I'm immediately thinking about what the future would look like for us, what your family is like, whether you'd get along with my brothers when you come to visit the family, that sort of thing. The daydreams start, the idealization starts, and, honestly, it scares the living crap out of me. I hate it, hate it, hate it that I can't slow myself down, but I get lost in this fantasy land. And here's the biggest problem: I have to go to great lengths to hide this little fantasy world of mine. As a guy, this isn't how I'm supposed to act (although you could argue that nobody's ever really "supposed" to act a certain way). But to me, it's creepy to be this intense. I fully admit that and understand that, so I hide it. I show the outer mask of "playing it cool." I'm so worried that I'm going to screw up something perfect, and I turn into a shell of my former self. I'm not "me" anymore. Because while my "normal self" gets along terrific with women I'm not attracted to, or female friends of mine who have long-term boyfriends or are off-limits for one reason or another, the obsessive, intense alter ego version of myself clams up around women I'm attracted to. All of the sudden, it's like I'm that 14-year-old kid again who doesn't want the girl from my math class to know that I like her. Even though I'm an adult now, it's almost like I'm petrified that I'll leak my true feelings, and she'll be weirded out.
In the end, it's a nasty cycle. I meet a girl, immediately fall head over heels, then feel so afraid of coming on too strong that the opposite happens-- I don't come on strong enough. Then, things fizzle out, and I'm left overanalyzing and endlessly obsessing about what went wrong. This will go on for months sometimes. I went on a couple of dates with a girl I was really into back in the fall, and I'm still kicking myself for screwing it up. It's May! It's been months! I can't move on from things, and because it is so awful to carry this emotional crap with me on a daily basis, I sometimes find myself not even trying. Because, you know, what's the point of getting invested in someone romantically, if it's going to end up leaving me feeling horrible?
I think my INFJ qualities would make me a good person to be with in a relationship... you know how they always say we're intensely loyal, and that sort of thing. But first, I have to get past those initial stages in a relationship, and get over that paralyzing fear of rejection that I have, which is just not easy. The "fear of rejection" thing is kind of a cliched, unoriginal cop-out, but I don't know how else to describe it. I get into a dangerous mindset where I'd rather stay in my comfort zone than risk feeling like a fool, and obsessing for months and months how I could have possibly screwed things up with a girl I hardly even got to know (and probably idealized mostly based on my unrealistic fantasy world).
Sometimes I wish I were a guy to know what it feels like, but I'd rather not now. It's probably even harder to be male and INFJ than female, I guess. But I think male INFJs are much needed as confidants, friends and lovers for other people. It depends on them whether they want to connect or are willing to see themselves as the world see them or not.
I just thought about it yesterday, jokingly, that male INFJs could really be Mcdaddies of dudes, if they play the cards right, lol.
INFJ male is basically this:
Female Values with a Male temperament.