The INFJ and "I love you"

I never say I love you to people voluntarily in my life. My mum is an exception. (But only if she says it first).

I don't know. Perhaps I find words cheap. My actions speak for themselves. And people know that
 
I only say it if I truly mean it; if I truly feel love for that person. I am against people that date people for a few days and are already throwing that word around as if it means nothing.
 
I prefer showing someone I love them through the way I treat them, the way I talk to them, and the things I do for them. It's a way of communicating that's louder and clearer at once. The number of times verbal expressions been part of manipulation or without thought behind them has left me jaded.

faridsimpson said:
I never say I love you to people voluntarily in my life. My mum is an exception. (But only if she says it first).

I don't know. Perhaps I find words cheap. My actions speak for themselves. And people know that
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I'm the same way. "I love you" is something I give back to someone who needs to hear those words, if it's true.
 
I use those words sparingly, I say it to my husband and a few select family members and that's it. Actions speak louder than words, IMO.
 
I want to tell my boyfriend I love him all the time, constantly, but I've had to learn how to not do it so much and reign it in. I tell my mom I love her sometimes, like maybe once every two weeks, and I tell my dad I love him when he's leaving town or I won't see him for awhile. I rarely tell my friends I love them, unless I really do.
 
I'm a follower of Christ, so "love" isn't a measure of how intense my emotions are about someone. I consider it a mindset.

I once had a (Christian) friend who claimed he would only ever say "I love you" to a very few people. Love was hierarchal and exclusive to him. He measured it by the people he'd be willing to give his life for - as the ultimate act of love in the Christian tradition is giving one's life (either in devotion or in death) to another. And while I agreed with that, I disagreed with his belief that love was to be limited to such a small circle of people who just happened to play significant roles in your own life. If the greatest act of love is giving your life for another, then how much greater is a love that could die for a stranger? As a Christian, I think we're called to love the most people as greatly as possible - That's how God loved in our tradition. The greatest love isn't giving your life for a mutually beneficial relationship, but even relationships you receive no benefit - even harm.

So I try to love many people, and I aim to say "I love you" as honestly as possible and as much as possible.

But when there's a person I find truly unique and special, and that I'm drawn to, I don't feel "love" is adequate there. I'd rather show, or express in other terms my emotions. Other people I feel I should love as they come and go in my life, but if there's someone I'm seeking a relationship with, I'm deciding to commit to being with them, to show love and maintain its mindset for an indefinite amount of time. That relationship won't have something greater than love, but definitely something more than just love.
 
In my mind, "I love you" is something you say when you can't stand not to say it. That said, I don't until I get to that point, which can take a long while.

Part of the reason for that which is probably the biggest part, is that I'm really afraid of what might happen down the line. I'm often too worried about what's going to happen if it doesn't look good. I might only be saying it basing that feeling on one or two things - not the big picture.
 
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I say it to my parents often, and to my siblings, too. To my aunt, who I know I can always count on. Rarely to my friends, even though sometimes they do say it to me. It's not that I don't care, I just don't feel like saying it at random lol. To my ex-girlfriend I used to say it to often, but it wasn't in that "special someone" way, I always knew the relationship wouldn't last long but I did care for her deeply, the way you love a best friend who's been with you for a long time.
 
Blax91 said:
I'm a follower of Christ, so "love" isn't a measure of how intense my emotions are about someone. I consider it a mindset.

I once had a (Christian) friend who claimed he would only ever say "I love you" to a very few people. Love was hierarchal and exclusive to him. He measured it by the people he'd be willing to give his life for - as the ultimate act of love in the Christian tradition is giving one's life (either in devotion or in death) to another. And while I agreed with that, I disagreed with his belief that love was to be limited to such a small circle of people who just happened to play significant roles in your own life. If the greatest act of love is giving your life for another, then how much greater is a love that could die for a stranger? As a Christian, I think we're called to love the most people as greatly as possible - That's how God loved in our tradition. The greatest love isn't giving your life for a mutually beneficial relationship, but even relationships you receive no benefit - even harm.

So I try to love many people, and I aim to say "I love you" as honestly as possible and as much as possible.

But when there's a person I find truly unique and special, and that I'm drawn to, I don't feel "love" is adequate there. I'd rather show, or express in other terms my emotions. Other people I feel I should love as they come and go in my life, but if there's someone I'm seeking a relationship with, I'm deciding to commit to being with them, to show love and maintain its mindset for an indefinite amount of time. That relationship won't have something greater than love, but definitely something more than just love.
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What you wrote is beautiful! Love is constant, unconditional, it is our natural state. I love you!
And yes...some relationships have that something extra...not by any means greater than Love, but something more than Love. Love is the default setting

Personally i dont feel that Love means being willing to die- i think it is more about being willing to live- joyously. And if it come to it, being able to die with grace and knowledge, rather than attacking a brother or sister...Dying is easy, living is when we have the opportunity to share and express our Love.

I try to tell everyone that i love them as much as possible. ELE!
 
I love you guys. <3

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Part 2:
I think there is a difference between loves. You know, agape, eros, philia, storge..that thing.

I don't mind speaking the word love linguistically, especially typing it; but you KNOW there's a huge difference between saying "I love you" to a friend, an acquaintance, and to someone you really, really love truly with the beatings of your heart.

In which case, 'love' serves as an umbrella term and the embedded meaning in those cases are..pretty much different.
love can simply mean, "I cherish you"
or with "I want the best for you"
or with "you meant the world for me"
or with "you're the closest one I have"
or with "I want you"
...or with other sappy things.
or with other non sappy things.
etc, etc, etc; as we get closer to someone, the idea underneath the word love becomes thicker, bigger, deeper. And with it, comes the weight.

I mean, saying "I cherish you and your presence." is different than saying "your mind, heart, body and soul syncs deeply with me, singing together in tune. The good wishes I have for you are endless and bottomless, and I am very thankful for you for accepting my flaws and helped me, accompanied me in my journey of life. Even with the mistakes I made and the battles we fought, the fact that you still stay here after watching me in my best and worst, after the pain I gave you; that fact warms my heart with the heat of the thousand suns, and I have both fears that you will leave me and faith that you will understand me, but I will altogether keep both as we walk together, hand in hand."
 
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I have an incredible amount of anxiety with the phrase
and what it denotes. I find, as I get older, I feel panicky
and terrified to express that level of emotional attachment.

It is difficult for me and as a consequence I do not express
my love for others rarely, if ever. I rely on my actions to
portray my feelings for others. I am not upfront with my emotions
verbally.
 
Bird said:
I have an incredible amount of anxiety with the phrase
and what it denotes. I find, as I get older, I feel panicky
and terrified to express that level of emotional attachment.

It is difficult for me and as a consequence I do not express
my love for others rarely, if ever. I rely on my actions to
portray my feelings for others. I am not upfront with my emotions
verbally.
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I am exactly the same way. Expressing love is very overwhelming to me and I am not sure how to even say the words to adequately convey what LOVE actually means to me. I just choke on it and try to express it through my actions.
 
I say 'I love you' to anyone who says it to me. I truly feel that on a certain level I love every human being so I don't feel uncomfortable saying it. To me it means that I care deeply about someone and I care deeply about everyone. I won't usually say it first, except to my kids or my dad, because I know some people feel uncomfortable with those words.
 
I sign all my holiday cards with love. All of them. And I mean it.

My younger brothers are in that stage where they don't want to hear that their big sister loves them. ;) If I put the youngest to bed, I'll tell him when I say goodnight. I probably only say it to my parents when one of us is away from home and we're ending a phone chat, as it's not typically something said around the house though. Say it to extended family whenever I see them, as they're in the UK, and at the end of every phone call, also.

I say it pretty freely to my close friends, as I hope they understand how much I care.
It's been a while, but I'm probably a little cautious when it comes to saying it to people I'm dating.
 
Suraj Z said:
How liberal are you, fellow INFJs, with the notorious "I love you"? Who do you say it to, if anyone, and under what circumstances?

If you don't say it–why not? What potential qualms do you have with the phrase, or with using it?
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it's pretty obvious when i love someone, i could say "i fucking hate you" and they'd recognize it as sarcasm :P Likewise i can tell when someone loves me without their saying it.
 
It really depends for me. I don't feel comfortable saying it to just anyone, especially other males. I usually wait until someone tells me first to avoid any awkwardness. I also tend to hold the opinion that true love is earned. I've had so many people tell me that they loved me, only to behave as if they didn't. So if our loved has been proved between us, and I sense that you are open to it, I will tell you that I love you. Regrettably, often I feel way more love for someone than I end up telling them.
 
Actions hold more weight with me than words, so I was never really big on saying it. My husband is the same way so it works out nicely. He goes out of his way to do things for me and I would do anything for him too. That’s our way of being romantic and saying “I love you”.

Now, when it comes to my children, I show them through my actions, but I also follow it up with verbal confirmation. I feel that children need to hear and be shown how much they are loved, so why it isn’t really me to say “I love you” constantly, I do that for my children.
 
I personally analyze things way too much. When my wife told me she loved me, I left scared/ confused. Love is one thing; being in love, another. I fell in love with a customer a year or so ago because of how kind and funny and great she was. She treated me differently than my wife treats me at times. She was married and I wasn't after her, but I could tell someone like her I love her so much easier than someone in a relationship. No chance of becoming vulnerable.


Love means so much to me it is difficult to find a situation where I feel enamored. Love has become a give and take rather than completeness; a this and that rather than it all. What would it be like?
 
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