The Single Stigma

The problem that I have with this 'flipping the coin' answer that, 'well why do people think it's so great to be single, why is that so prided'? I think, that's an invalid accusation because people who are 37 years old and single aren't independent, that's an age group thing I believe. The subject that being single is good isn't what is the subject either- and I really am in disagreement that not being involved in a romantic relationship relieves you of not having to do things you don't want to do and compromise.

What I dislike the most is that society fails to acknowledge that while single people are single THAT DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE NOT ENGAGED IN A RELATIONSHIP. What about family and friends? That's just as much maintenance as a relationship, and I'm not putting being single up on some sort of elevated platform because it makes you 'independent' or 'free' or 'strong'. There are JUST SOME PEOPLE who like to be single, and they still have friendships, and they still have family members, they're still in relationships so it has nothing to do with the fear of 'being taken over' by some other person. These people just like to be single, they are not interested in being in a relationship, and it's not because no one will date them, it's not because they are attempting to get over a previous bad relationship or that they aren't ready for a relationship, nor is it because these people are gay or are too good to be in a relationship, etc, etc. These people just don't want a relationship, and it doesn't need to be explained further. Why does society feel the need to justify people being single, and WHY do single people feel the need to justify their own being single?

Common justifications of being single:

-I don't like people controlling me and I like to be independent
-I think relationships are stupid

...I can't think of any others that aren't the previously stated 'excuses people have to have in order to be single'. But I don't understand why people who are single feel the need to justify it.

Me, I'm single. So what? Who cares? I'm single because I'm single, not because I think relationships are retarded, not because I value my independence and don't want anyone treading on it- if I wanted that I surely wouldn't have any friends and I wouldn't keep up my family because being in any sort of relationship, romantic or not, requires people to compromise. Dating doesn't appeal to me, it's not because I find it an ill-formed concept or that I think people who date are ill-formed, it's just like how I don't like painting, I just don't like painting, it's not a hobby of mine.
 
Stigma Schmigma. Don't care. Over 40, single, no kids--DGAF what others think. Happiness is a choice and I make full use of it. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be in a relationship--its nice to have someone to kill bugs and carry heavy things--kidding! I don't stress about whether there is somebody or not. There is always somebody around... I would rather be with someone by choice, not because I think it is the thing to do. I am also horribly indifferent to signals men give me and unless they are confident enough to be honest and speak with me, I don't pay any attention.

Arbygil, I have told a group of my friends that we will organize a world jaunt in a few years and go find boytoys in various countries around the world. You are invited.
 
About the Hollywood stereotypes, I think it's because for the same reason this hasn't been popular yet (aka being circular), a story about someone 'bitter and jaded', or 'unpopular and rude/nerdy/wimpy/jerkass/loud/unfeminine' getting melted and involved into a real relationship by The Power Of Love™ is far approachable and popular compared to someone living happily and single. albeit I really want to see that movie, if someone ever made it. An assumption that allegedly a result of the same social construct, but alas. :|

It's just until now, The Power of Love™ is far seen as stronger compared to The Power of Freedom™, which if I don't wrong (CMIIW), is often, directly or not, the reason for singledom?

But indeed, culture has taken that worldview and driven it towards levels that are impossible to respect people with other worldview. Seriously, have any of you seen Korean TV Dramas? The basic ideas are something akin to most Hollywood romance film, only far more exaggerated and stigma-inducing. </secretcomplaint>
 
Trifoilum said:
About the Hollywood stereotypes, I think it's because for the same reason this hasn't been popular yet (aka being circular), a story about someone 'bitter and jaded', or 'unpopular and rude/nerdy/wimpy/jerkass/loud/unfeminine' getting melted and involved into a real relationship by The Power Of Love
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slant said:
The problem that I have with this 'flipping the coin' answer that, 'well why do people think it's so great to be single, why is that so prided'? I think, that's an invalid accusation because people who are 37 years old and single aren't independent, that's an age group thing I believe. The subject that being single is good isn't what is the subject either- and I really am in disagreement that not being involved in a romantic relationship relieves you of not having to do things you don't want to do and compromise.
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I didn't say that I do not want a relationship.
I can see downsides with both situations. I just stated that I don't mind being single.
Both situations have its advantages.

I was making that statement because I wanted to express my feelings toward the 'single stigma'.

'If there is indeed a stigma, I am not bothered by it, because I don't feel pressured to have a relationship.'
 
Relative to the breadth of human behavior, what is considered "normal" in terms of relationships falls within a mind bogglingly narrow bracket and anyone who deviates from it is going to be scrutinized by others. At this stage, our society (at least in America) is tantamount to prison.

If you're single, you'll be scrutinized. If you aren't, you'll be scrutinized for your mate selection. If you get divorced, you're a pitiable failure. If you stay married, you're trapped and dependent. If you're a woman without a boyfriend, you're a dyke. If you're a man without a girlfriend, you're a faggot. And that's just figuring for status quo scenarios, not things like actually being gay or transgendered or whatever. The point is, there's always going to be a stigma applied to you for something by someone. You just have to take the inevitable fact that you'll be hated / misunderstood and graft that fact into your model of the world. That way, it just becomes an expected part of life like bad weather and runny noses and you just move right on ahead regardless of it.
 
Korg said:
You just have to take the inevitable fact that you'll be hated / misunderstood and graft that fact into your model of the world. That way, it just becomes an expected part of life like bad weather and runny noses and you just move right on ahead regardless of it.
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Indeed.
 
Sonyab said:
Stigma Schmigma. Don't care. Over 40, single, no kids--DGAF what others think. Happiness is a choice and I make full use of it. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be in a relationship--its nice to have someone to kill bugs and carry heavy things--kidding! I don't stress about whether there is somebody or not. There is always somebody around... I would rather be with someone by choice, not because I think it is the thing to do. I am also horribly indifferent to signals men give me and unless they are confident enough to be honest and speak with me, I don't pay any attention.

Arbygil, I have told a group of my friends that we will organize a world jaunt in a few years and go find boytoys in various countries around the world. You are invited.
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ROFL! You know I might not say no...if nothing else, just seeing the world is my thing. :D
 
Korg said:
Relative to the breadth of human behavior, what is considered "normal" in terms of relationships falls within a mind bogglingly narrow bracket and anyone who deviates from it is going to be scrutinized by others. At this stage, our society (at least in America) is tantamount to prison.

If you're single, you'll be scrutinized. If you aren't, you'll be scrutinized for your mate selection. If you get divorced, you're a pitiable failure. If you stay married, you're trapped and dependent. If you're a woman without a boyfriend, you're a dyke. If you're a man without a girlfriend, you're a faggot. And that's just figuring for status quo scenarios, not things like actually being gay or transgendered or whatever. The point is, there's always going to be a stigma applied to you for something by someone. You just have to take the inevitable fact that you'll be hated / misunderstood and graft that fact into your model of the world. That way, it just becomes an expected part of life like bad weather and runny noses and you just move right on ahead regardless of it.
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And this, plus a million. :D
 
I'm single. I'd actually rather not be single, but at the same time I have very high standards and don't think it's worth it to lower them for anyone. It's not arrogance, although some people have gossiped about me and accused me of being arrogant for not accepting to be in a relationship with guys who have expressed interest in me. There is a stigma around being single though. I'm not saying being single is a horrible thing for me. I truly value companionship, not only the kind in friendship, so being single is not exactly something I'd like to do forever. But again, I can be quite picky about who I want to be in a relationship with, so being single is better than being with someone I don't feel is an excellent match for me. I'd love to be in a relationship, but I don't want to be with someone just because everyone else is doing it. I'd rather wait until I meet someone who is worth it.
 
purple hills said:
I'm single. I'd actually rather not be single, but at the same time I have very high standards and don't think it's worth it to lower them for anyone. It's not arrogance, although some people have gossiped about me and accused me of being arrogant for not accepting to be in a relationship with guys who have expressed interest in me. There is a stigma around being single though. I'm not saying being single is a horrible thing for me. I truly value companionship, not only the kind in friendship, so being single is not exactly something I'd like to do forever. But again, I can be quite picky about who I want to be in a relationship with, so being single is better than being with someone I don't feel is an excellent match for me. I'd love to be in a relationship, but I don't want to be with someone just because everyone else is doing it. I'd rather wait until I meet someone who is worth it.
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"You just haven't met the right person yet."
 
I think people just need to be more accepting of other people's situations. I know someone who is single and hasn't made any attempts of seeing anyone. He hasn't shown any inclination of wanting to be with someone and is pretty comfortable living on his own. His mother (like most mothers) is trying to find a potential partner for him but the people around him just seem to understand that there's no bitterness or yearning for a relationship with him. He's content and has a good relationship with his family and friends. Personal independence may be a small part of his decision but he'll help people unless the situation is a big PITA. In this situation, I'll keep to the saying that "If it isn't broken, don't fix it".
 
grace said:
Spot on.
How many times have I been to that "Bridget Jones' Diary" dinner party of couples and been that one single girl (covered in scales)?
More times than I care to count.
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Ha, ha, story of my life...
:)
 
acd said:
I don't think being single in our culture is looked down upon these days. If anything, I'd say I see the opposite. People are much more encouraged to finish their education and see the world etc. etc. than to just settle down with someone. But I'm speaking for my age group, mid-twenties.
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+1
 
I agree on theory that society has created this idea that there is some sort of stigma about being single, especially after a certain age. However, you only care about the score when you play the game.
 
Being of the "senior" persuasion, with a fair amount of experience re: "relationships" along the way, seems to me that the whole subject of "independence" vs "intimacy" seldom gets enough attention. Instead folks usually focus on the attraction, "chemistry", mutual interests, etc., always assuming they share more or less the same emotional goals.

But I notice that even when all those other factors may be going quite swimmingly, frictions can start to pop up, simply because each person may have very different needs re: "space" (emotional or physical). Some folks may wanna be "joined at the hip", while others might be looking for an LTR that more closely resembles "roommates", at least as far as the level of emotional intimacy.

And in fact even among those "Singles" claiming to want a "relationship", sometimes they actually may be unable to "do" emotional intimacy at all! As a psych. friend once put it, when you think about it, it's a pretty risky proposition opening yourself up to someone else's personality and ego, but especially if we aren't too sure about our own to begin with!
 
slant said:
There's no reason -not- to be in a committed relationship is the common thought process and so excuses are commonly made up to justify in individual's heads why this might be the case.
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Totally. That is an attitude that many people have, to the point where the other person themselves isn't even meaningful, just the relationship signifier.

A good friend of mine, admitted to me that he thought I was gay, a few days after I told him about my relationship. He thought because I never mentioned girls around him that I was gay (he is a very close friend but don't feel comfortable talking about that sort of stuff to anyone, really).
 
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