trying to fit in and be accepted

[NeverAmI]

I have been like that whole my life! Would you say you thought of what others think of you all day every day? Did you do things only because you believed they would like it and whould accept you? (I'm asking from my own experiences!)

How did you stop yourself from trying to fit in? Did you stop doing things because you believed people would like you more because of it? And how do you know where to put the line? I don't know where to put the line. When am I doing something because I like the person and when do I do something to be accepted. A lot of times when people ask me to do something for them I'm undecided because I really don't know if I should do it, whether it is healty if I would do it... if you know what I mean

Keep in mind that these thoughts are only my own individual findings of myself.

Mine was a combination of curiosity and inferiority complex. I don't necessarily want to belong to anything, in fact, I am quite content to spend days alone. Even so, I think I somehow tricked myself into thinking I was doing something wrong and that people didn't like to be around me.

Well the root cause in my case is that I am an intellectual and I was actively trying to suppress my "deep" side which resulted in me not talking to anyone about anything. Eventually you kind of get sucked into constantly worrying about what someone else will think because you are so used to it.

These complexes also seem to have a sort of fear mechanism built in. You fear that if you attempt to get over it, that it will fundamentally change you into something you wish you weren't. But from a logical sense this doesn't happen overnight and you would see any sort of significant change coming from a mile away.

The way to do it is to tell yourself to stop every time you catch yourself wondering what someone else will think. If you see someone else on the street and you start thinking about what they think, just tell yourself to stop. In line at the store and wondering what all the people walking by will think? Stop. Talking to a friend and wondering what others around you will think? Stop.

In addition, I also worried that I would start to be rude to others because I didn't take them into consideration, but so far I think our issue and the issue of maturity and/or respect are separate, and you can most certainly still be courteous without actively wondering what they are thinking.

I was fairly surprised how much more comfortable I felt within the first day of doing it.

 

[Morgain]

Well I think everyone struggles with this one. I have been putting a lot of effort into self improvement over the last year and a half and I can tell you this...

When you are thinking about what someone is thinking about you, just flip the situation around, if you were them would you be thinking negative things about you? More often than not we are worrying about ourselves, not other people. We all have similar insecurities. So if someone does something embarrassing I make a point to act like I didn't notice it, because I know if I were in their shoes that I would be feeling embarrassed. It was difficult to swallow but I had to realize that I usually think that people are judging me, because I am judging them. I am not sure this is always true, but it definately is a valid point. I expect people are thinking like I think. Anyway, I know it's cliche, but how important is it what other people think of you? As long as you feel good about yourself. From what I have seen from you on the forum, I think you are a great person, I enjoy having you here on the forum. I think you just fit into a different niche, and should appreciate your differences as positives.

I have to print this and take it with me, lol!
you are completely right! But so easy to forget in the heat of the battle :becky:

 

[Grasshopper]

I have to print this and take it with me, lol!
you are completely right! But so easy to forget in the heat of the battle :becky:

Oh I know, it isn't easy! I have to stay aware, especially of my thoughts. I think we all have a saboteur in our heads, that is where all the negative thoughts come from. Anytime I start thinking these things, I make a point to realize it's my saboteur, over time my way of thinking has changed for the better. Also, when someone judges me I believe it is their saboteur, because judging people only serves to separate us. So I just try to think of them as the sweet innocent children they were at one time in their life.

I don't know if you believe in a higher power, but I do, and I think that we were all created good, but have picked up a lot of negative habits that are only human, so I try to remember the good in all of us. I think the most important thing we can do is be loving in everything we do.

 

[Morgain]

Keep in mind that these thoughts are only my own individual findings of myself.

Mine was a combination of curiosity and inferiority complex. I don't necessarily want to belong to anything, in fact, I am quite content to spend days alone. Even so, I think I somehow tricked myself into thinking I was doing something wrong and that people didn't like to be around me.

Well the root cause in my case is that I am an intellectual and I was actively trying to suppress my "deep" side which resulted in me not talking to anyone about anything. Eventually you kind of get sucked into constantly worrying about what someone else will think because you are so used to it.

These complexes also seem to have a sort of fear mechanism built in. You fear that if you attempt to get over it, that it will fundamentally change you into something you wish you weren't. But from a logical sense this doesn't happen overnight and you would see any sort of significant change coming from a mile away.

The way to do it is to tell yourself to stop every time you catch yourself wondering what someone else will think. If you see someone else on the street and you start thinking about what they think, just tell yourself to stop. In line at the store and wondering what all the people walking by will think? Stop. Talking to a friend and wondering what others around you will think? Stop.

In addition, I also worried that I would start to be rude to others because I didn't take them into consideration, but so far I think our issue and the issue of maturity and/or respect are separate, and you can most certainly still be courteous without actively wondering what they are thinking.

I was fairly surprised how much more comfortable I felt within the first day of doing it.

yep that sounds so much like me. The past few weeks I have not been worrying about what people think and it was great! People even accepted me more then when I was worrying. This week is a bit of a rebounce for me. And I don't know how te regain that happy feeling

the fact is, when I tell myself to stop wondering, I just start to wonder even more. I need to get a self awareness and self love first and then the rest comes without effort. I only don't know how to get the loving feeling :frusty::becky:

thanks for your reply!

 

[forgetblueskies]

I used to care a hell of a lot about what people think of me. As an INFJ, I think I'm more sensitive to how people feel about me than other types. Thoughts like these: "Oh god, she hates me. what did I do wrong? what's wrong with me??" and so on ran through my head all the time. They still do, to an extent but not as much as they used to. Right now, it really depends on who's doing the thinking.

 

[blueparade]

I think that rather than actively changing myself in an attempt to fit in, my tendency is to restrain my personality and true opinions around people. Part of it is because I'm shy, but it's also because I do worry too much about what they will think of me. As a result, I don't have many problems getting along with groups on a superficial level, but I do wish I had more "real" connections with people sometimes.

 

[Barnabas]

I think that rather than actively changing myself in an attempt to fit in, my tendency is to restrain my personality and true opinions around people. Part of it is because I'm shy, but it's also because I do worry too much about what they will think of me. As a result, I don't have many problems getting along with groups on a superficial level, but I do wish I had more "real" connections with people sometimes.

Hey everyody listen.... this person speaks volumes.

 

[laurie]

I was wondering, how hard do you try to fit in, be accepted by a person or a group of people?
Not too much. I only do what feels like the right thing, but sometimes I deliberately avoid conflict or bringing something up that may cause it.... but that's just not liking arguments.
I suppose maybe looking a certain way (very dull) so that people don't notice me.

How much of your time do you spend on it?
It's not very conscious, so not much ^^"

Does it influences all your actions according to people or do you do it only in special occasions?
Special occasions when I'm feeling too tired to have any kind of conflict. I just don't say much.

And what do you do to be accepted: being funny, smart, caring, adopting to the group, ...?
I kind of force myself to speak out a bit more (I get a bit on an ENFJ persona occasionally), but caring for them is genuine and making funny observations or comments just happens....

I usually have too much respect for people to act differently from how I would, but avoiding unnecessary conflict is a big factor. Oh, and I find it embarrassing to be noticed, so blending in is important.

 

[birdshit]

since i stopped caring about "being accepted," i've been much more comfortable around people. i don't try very hard to fit in 'cause i'd rather not and there are always the few who are drawn to me anyway.

people say i'm funny, but it's mostly unintentional.

 

[Norton]

I've never cared much about what people think of me. It's not that I'm a misanthrope. It's more that I'm oblivious. It has never really occurred to me that there was an "in" into which I should try to fit. Also, I've always detached my sense of self from day to day things. That is, I don't think too much about myself in relation to the things I do. If I do something poorly, it's because I did it poorly, didn't prepare adequately, or whatever. It's not because I'm a bad person. It's just a fact. If someone praises me because I've done a good job, it doesn't mean much to me, either, because I already know I did well. I just don't connect the things I do, or how I do them, to who or what I am. Despite all this, I'm rather reserved and, indeed, shy with people I don't know well or with large groups. I guess this is all very INTP-ish.

Generally, however, I've observed that most people don't think about me that much. And that's fine, because I already know most of what there is to know about me and I prefer to retreat into the background. In fact, I'm quite bored with my own story by now. Mostly, people are wrapped up in themselves and, so, are always eager to talk about themselves, which is fine with me. When I meet new people, I just say that I'm an engineer and then I don't have to do or say anything more but listen to their stories, which, because they're new to me, are far more interesting than my story (which I'm already bored with). If, for some rare, strange reason, I feel talkative, I'll say I'm an inventor and then the questions fly (and then I regret not saying I'm an engineer).

 

[TinyBubbles]

i'm not sure, i don't really try to fit in, I either do or don't in group situations it's either really awkward because I can sense others' discomfort pretty easily and it makes me uncomfortable, or it's automatic and refreshing and I can immediately be myself. I always sort of retain a sense of discomfort around new people though, no matter how easily we 'click'. still haven't figured out exactly why. but i don't go out of my way to blend in, that's for sure. other than being polite, I do try to be nice when I can because the alternative is usually unpleasant.