Turns out I'm surrounded!

worthy

worthy

Community Member
MBTI
INFJ
Enneagram
2
I've spent the past several years, perhaps my entire lifetime, feeling like a lonely oddball. Like nobody understood me or connected as deeply as I needed. And I've spent quite a bit of time in the past couple of years trying to unravel this, understand it, and develop closer friendships that meet that need for feeling deeply understood.

Well, I've been paying a lot of attention to the people in my life, trying to figure them out, trying to assess the fit of those relationships. I've been intentionally deepening a few friendships that felt worth it. I hosted a large social gathering a few days back and found myself in the company of a number of people that I like, and I realized that they are all probably NFs, mostly INFs, with multiple INFJs in the bunch. I know statistically that is improbable, but I have a lot of deeply passionate musicians and artists in my life. It seems to be kind of magnetic.

So at this party, I found myself playing music on my porch with six people who I have shared soul-deep, vulnerable, eye-locked conversations with over the years. Guys who I know see me, hear me, and accept me. It was amazing to have so many of them in one place. The jam was phenomenal. The deep, connected energy was amazing. And I felt deeply understood and entirely safe, comfortable, free to be myself.

And I know there were at least three other INFJs at the party, possibly four, and at least one other ENFJ, who were not in the porch group. One of my favorite moments was sitting with the only INFJ friend I have who knew his MBTI type before we became friends, and plumbing the depths of the soul in what I'm sure LOOKED to all around like a casual conversation but was actually earth-shatteringly soul-intimate. No preamble; we just dove in deep for 10 min or so. It was awesome. Exhilarating.

I left that gathering feeling not only that my cup was full, but that my entire WELL was full. Such an awesome feeling.

So I'm convinced. It is possible to attract people who are like me and really get me. It just took me a long time to recognize them. Also I am enjoying noticing and comparing the differences among the INFJs that I know. (Now, if only one of them were single, available, and compatible! Still working on attracting THAT.)

And then my son and his girlfriend came to visit, and we were talking about MBTI (they brought it up, but I love talking about it). I wasn't 100% sure about my son's type, but he convinced me - he is also an INFJ. And his girlfriend is an INTJ, and now that I know this, she makes more sense to me. I find INTJs delightful but emotionally very challenging.

My other three kids are INTJ, INFJ, and ENFJ.

Also, I am a consultant, and one of the things I have my clients do is the 16personalities test, just so I can have that insight into how best to work with them. I was totally surprised when my newest client tested INFJ. I would have put money on T - I wonder if they're in a somewhat constant grip state (my typical client is overwhelmed and stressed). Time will tell.

Anyway, I'm changing the story I tell myself about feeling like an oddball. I'm not! I'm surrounded!!!!

Either that, or I have mistyped my friends and I don't know what I'm talking about, but I think there is a pretty good chance I am right and that my selective outreach is paying off...
 
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There's probably some isfjs and isfps in the mix but I wouldn't doubt you're around other infjs as well, given the circumstance
 
worthy said:
I've spent the past several years, perhaps my entire lifetime, feeling like a lonely oddball. Like nobody understood me or connected as deeply as I needed. And I've spent quite a bit of time in the past couple of years trying to unravel this, understand it, and develop closer friendships that meet that need for feeling deeply understood.

Well, I've been paying a lot of attention to the people in my life, trying to figure them out, trying to assess the fit of those relationships. I've been intentionally deepening a few friendships that felt worth it. I hosted a large social gathering a few days back and found myself in the company of a number of people that I like, and I realized that they are all probably NFs, mostly INFs, with multiple INFJs in the bunch. I know statistically that is improbable, but I have a lot of deeply passionate musicians and artists in my life. It seems to be kind of magnetic.

So at this party, I found myself playing music on my porch with six people who I have shared soul-deep, vulnerable, eye-locked conversations with over the years. Guys who I know see me, hear me, and accept me. It was amazing to have so many of them in one place. The jam was phenomenal. The deep, connected energy was amazing. And I felt deeply understood and entirely safe, comfortable, free to be myself.

And I know there were at least three other INFJs at the party, possibly four, and at least one other ENFJ, who were not in the porch group. One of my favorite moments was sitting with the only INFJ friend I have who knew his MBTI type before we became friends, and plumbing the depths of the soul in what I'm sure LOOKED to all around like a casual conversation but was actually earth-shatteringly soul-intimate. No preamble; we just dove in deep for 10 min or so. It was awesome. Exhilarating.

I left that gathering feeling not only that my cup was full, but that my entire WELL was full. Such an awesome feeling.

So I'm convinced. It is possible to attract people who are like me and really get me. It just took me a long time to recognize them. Also I am enjoying noticing and comparing the differences among the INFJs that I know. (Now, if only one of them were single, available, and compatible! Still working on attracting THAT.)

And then my son and his girlfriend came to visit, and we were talking about MBTI (they brought it up, but I love talking about it). I wasn't 100% sure about my son's type, but he convinced me - he is also an INFJ. And his girlfriend is an INTJ, and now that I know this, she makes more sense to me. I find INTJs delightful but emotionally very challenging.

My other three kids are INTJ, INFJ, and ENFJ.

Also, I am a consultant, and one of the things I have my clients do is the 16personalities test, just so I can have that insight into how best to work with them. I was totally surprised when my newest client tested INFJ. I would have put money on T - I wonder if they're in a somewhat constant grip state (my typical client is overwhelmed and stressed). Time will tell.

Anyway, I'm changing the story I tell myself about feeling like an oddball. I'm not! I'm surrounded!!!!

Either that, or I have mistyped my friends and I don't know what I'm talking about, but I think there is a pretty good chance I am right and that my selective outreach is paying off...
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What a great story. Thanks for sharing. It's awesome that you were able to deepen your friendships and find these connections all around you.
 
worthy said:
How can you tell an SF from an NF? What are the identifiers?
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It can be pretty tough tbh since a lot of people identify themselves as being intuitive types, incorrectly.
Maybe they are more perceptive to specifics of situations or things. More actively engaging in a process.
Super tough to differentiate with introverts in particular.
 
Was there something in the air in your town, @worthy? I was in your town the other night and had an amazing experience with people I love and music. I almost sent you a message so we could meet up, but I didn't think you would be checking the forum at prime non-computer time on a weekend night, and I'm not sure I'm ready to take the plunge with meeting forum people face-to-face just yet. LOL! (Still, I kept thinking, "I hope Worthy is here!" LOL! I didn't think you would be. Not your type of music.)

It was an inspiring, soul-touching experience. The performance by my friend was phenomenal.
Your town is lovely. I liked visiting so, so much. The people were so nice and supportive at the event.

In any case, I'm so happy you feel surrounded by your people and deeply connected, 'soul connected' to some of them. Who cares if some are mistyped? Even sharing a type doesn't guarantee we'll always feel deeply connected to a person, and what matters is that you do feel this connection with others. <3
You are so lucky to share type and/or dominant functions with your kids.

Regardless of type, all types go through times where we feel misunderstood and alone, too. I guess that is when we need to remember there are people who want to understand us, even when they don't. :)

LOL about your son's girlfriend. Yes, INTJs can have a bit of a barrier around their emotions. I love that. :) Haha.
 
Asa said:
INTJs can have a bit of a barrier around their emotions. I love that.
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It is with reason :), we INTJ's tend to have a path of hardships behind us (as many people do, but we are not used to understanding the feeling behind these hardships) and lock them deep and far away from the reach of most people. In a way our Te kind of shields ourselves from it as well and our Fi (let's say our personal beliefs) builds around it. NF's in general have a special way to unlock these feelings (and we damn well appreciate it) but a strong recommendation: don't try do it all at once with INTJ's, it will overwhelm us.

PS: A nice and funny general analogy (men vs women):
 
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dragulagu said:
It is with reason :), we INTJ's tend to have a path of hardships behind us (as many people do, but we are not used to understand the feeling behind these hardships) and lock them deep away far away from the reach of most people. In a way our Te kind of shields ourselves from it as well and our Fi (let's say our personal beliefs) builds around it. NF's in general have a special way to unlock these feelings (and damn well appreciate it) but a strong recommendation: don't try do it all at once with INTJ's, it will overwhelm us.
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Thank you. :)

I've been with my INTJ SO for 28 years and several of my besties are INTJs. I'm used to you.
 
Asa said:
LOL about your son's girlfriend. Yes, INTJs can have a bit of a barrier around their emotions. I love that. :) Haha.
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Grumble grumble...

dragulagu said:
It is with reason :), we INTJ's tend to have a path of hardships behind us (as many people do, but we are not used to understanding the feeling behind these hardships) and lock them deep and far away from the reach of most people. In a way our Te kind of shields ourselves from it as well and our Fi (let's say our personal beliefs) builds around it. NF's in general have a special way to unlock these feelings (and we damn well appreciate it) but a strong recommendation: don't try do it all at once with INTJ's, it will overwhelm us.
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Not all INTJs... Some INFJs can be more emotionally repressed than some INTJs, so I wonder if this is just a correlational thing rather than something inherent to the types.

E.g. I feel very emotionally expressive and always ready to open up.
 
Deleted member 16771 said:
Not all INTJs... Some INFJs can be more emotionally repressed than some INTJs, so I wonder if this is just a correlational thing rather than something inherent to the types.

E.g. I feel very emotionally expressive and always ready to open up.
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It depends on our individual history and emotional maturity, I guess. Personally I don't think INTJ's can be openly expressive that easily, at least not towards everyone. It's just not the natural way of INTJ's to just throw their emotions on the table (we think and we talk about ideas but feelings? Only with friends or close ones). Props to you if you can be emotionally expressive and can open up more easily.
INFJ's can be emotionally repressed, sure, but I think that's contra-dictionary to their own nature as they communicate and express themselves through their feelings. Open on input on this one.
 
dragulagu said:
INFJ's can be emotionally repressed, sure, but I think that's contra-dictionary to their own nature as they communicate and express themselves through their feelings.
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They're more comfortable with others' feelings I think.

INFJs are surprisingly private and not too comfortable discussing their own feelings.
 
Great story @worthy it sounds like my type of party! I've been itching to get my friends back together to have my own recharge party.

What kind of consulting do you do?
 
dragulagu said:
If that is so...then that's a very strong lesson for me...I feel like such a blunt idiot now...
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You are, but it's fine so long as you remain aware of your environment. The bluntness of an intj is endearing to most as long as they acknowledge it and dole it out softly.

It's like infjs acknowledging that they are high strung stubborn potatoes.
 
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