Waiting for the "One" or Settle?

Have you decided what you're looking for in a relationship? Are you certain in such a short amount of time that she can/cannot fulfill your needs or that you can/cannot meet hers? Imo, there is no such thing as the one, and all relationships, even the most ideal, require work.

I think one always wonders about their choices, and only hindsight can show definitively if one possessed all of the facts necessary to make a decision, or if your actions were based on a faulty premise. Only time will tell if you make a good partner for her, or if she is what you need.

My question to you would be: what do you think is causing you to consider your situation at this point in time? Why not before you began seeing her? Why not after you'd gotten to know her better?
 
what [MENTION=3255]Sali[/MENTION] said, exactly.
 
Your thinking is a good example of what happens when one allows themselves to be overly influenced by MBTI. It is a system of generalizations based on pseduo-science, not a guide for life choices. Be with a woman, not an MBTI type. Remember that.

Moreover, you are presenting yourself with an either/or dilemma that need not exist in the first place. @aeon touched upon on this so I won't say a lot about it but the point here is that you're trying to choose between two poles, neither of which have any real value or purpose in long term relationships. "The One" doesn't exist and conscious "settling" will only lead you to disillusionment. If you can't think of an alternative to either of those, you should just save yourself (and her) the time and skip to the part where your relationship goes to shit and you have to end it.

My suggestion: know yourself and know it well. Hold her to the same standard. If you two interface well and have no need for reliance upon personality systems, you're off to a good start. From there, draw you own map and make your own rules.
 
Thumbs up [MENTION=947]aeon[/MENTION] & [MENTION=1425]Korg[/MENTION].
 
SpilledMilk, your original posting sounds exactly like a scenario my ENTP friend told me he went through. He got intensely involved with an INFJ while traveling through Thailand. Said she was like no other girl in the world that he had encountered. She was incurably ill. He had to let go. Since then, he's moved on and tapped girls here and there, but he has expressed to me how unsatisfied he has been with subsequent attempts at relationships. The girls "have no depth," he tells me.

On the flip side, I met an ENFP that I could not get enough of. She stated, I was the only one she could be around where she "could be herself." I felt the same. Every part of my being was aroused, indicating this girl was something exceptional. Through unmitigated circumstances, however, we could not continue to go out. I had to move on, but would that mean settling for anything less than the same kind of electric experience? Absolutely not. In fact, I just met a phenomenal INTJ that is extremely fun, but I made absolutely clear with her at the get-go I was not looking for a relationship. As long as she understands my intentions, it doesn't mean we can't have fun, right?

People go a lifetime punching away at jobs they settled for, only to look back and wish they could have done it different. Wouldn't the same be true of relationships? Why live with regret, man?

Your questioning of your current, budding relationship is an indication of being unsatisfied in some way. And yet, waiting for the "one" does sound like a lot of pressure is placed on you to perform. In particular, it could be a while before you "find" the one, so there will be ups and downs and even some loneliness and self-doubt along the way.

Why not have as much fun as possible with this current girl? If you're going out with her, she can't be all that repulsive, right? ;-) Just be realistic with yourself about where it will ultimately go and don't commit to anything you don't want. What I guess I'm saying is don't settle.

Big hugs,
J
 
The problem with settling is that it will be OK for a while. For some two or three years. Your outer social pressure to find a partner will be relieved, there will be concrete benefits from a permanent relationship and you two will have quality time together.

But then there will come a day when you'll ask yourself "what's the point of all of this"? It will start to eat your happiness away. And if you'll be committed by then, someone will come up who will seem to you like a perfect partner. That way affairs happen, marriages are derailed and kids are left for single parenting. Do you want this future for yourself?
 
Thanks to everyone for responding thus far. I posted this because I wonder if I have totally unrealistic expectations.

The problem is that the more I get to know anyone, the closer we get to each other. There's no idling ground. So for those who said why not get to know her better - that's the whole problem. She gets more involved and I as well the more we connect with each other.

As for just "having fun" - I can't. When I do that hearts get broken, usually the girls'. So I don't want to just mess around.

I guess if I were to have a list, INFJs would certainly lack a lot of the abilities that the ESFJ girl has. Different checkboxes on a grand list of the "ideal" girl. I'm certainly not blinded by the illusion that one girl can be XXXX and ESFJ or INFJ or whatever else I want at whatever time I want. What's happening here is a weighing of odds and cold blooded calculation.

And regarding MBTI/relationship determinations, well, this is a forum for MBTI. Pseudoscientific as it may be, it's been relatively reliable and immensely helpful for me to understand how others think and communicate.

Finally, regarding "settling" - please read my previous post for how I define it. BUT - I agree that the possibility exists, despite everything I say here, that I might end up feeling like I'm "just settling". So now what?
 
JCPA said:
Go ask ENTPs who have experience in similar situations.
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But this forum has a cat icon.

And besides, I know what ENTPs will say: something smartass because after all, nobody has a crystal ball. I just thought INFJs' psychic nature might shed some light on my dilemma.
 
There is no 'the one.' Even thinking so disqualifies you as being healthy enough to be someone else's 'the one,' odd as that may sound. Relationships take work; patience, understanding, tolerance, self-sacrifice... knowing when to stand up for yourself, when to recognize that it is the other person whose standing up for themselves against you, compromising when you both are, etc. If you're expecting someone to come along with whom you will just work perfectly with, the you will be a HORRIBLE person to whomever you attempt to be 'the one' with... and are not even remotely ready to be in a relationship with anyone.

This is not to say you can date anyone, or that you shouldn't look for a person who you click well with... but there are so many good people out there who that could be, and NO MATTER WHAT, you will eventually have to settle one dispute or another with said significant other, and that will feel like 'settling.' If you simply give up when that happens, you're killing a perfectly viable and potentially wonderful relationship.
 
If you aren't happy, then don't.

I would personally judge my partner to my ideal one; is my partner far enough? Or am I simply being uncompromising; if not deluded?
What are the chances of finding another date / lover? Another one worse? Another one better?

Or at least, I start from there. Presumably.
But -that- is assuming I am happy and somewhat satisfied, even if I am not completely so.
But if you aren't, then don't. Go outside.
 
Eh, problem solved itself.

facepalm2.jpg


ESFJ freaked out that we were getting to know each other so fast. It wasn't in accordance with her "rules". And being the good ENTP that I am, I. Hate. "Rules". She says wants to take things slower, much, much slower, or just be "friends". I declined her "friends" offer and am letting it cool off. I'm of the type where if you're obviously into someone, then don't let some arbitrary rule get in the way of showing affection and being open.

I guess I should have clarified "the one" as well -- I know people aren't perfect and I expect imperfections in anyone. But some people are obviously a bit more fit for others, and some not.

By "the one" I meant someone who's INFJ (presumably the best psychological fit) and also fit by other criteria. My list isn't long; it's just that the criteria (ethnicity, decent looking, reasonably intelligent, not materialistic/career-oriented, caring, can carry a conversation) are hard to achieve in a total package, and ends up creating a rare bird.

Thanks all!
 
your idealism is ruining your chance at being happy.. you arent statistically going to find that .001% you are looking for... for gods sake, theres a chance she might not exist in this time/dimension/ethnicity etc...
 
SpilledMilk said:
OK, it seems that the word "settle" means something different to you guys.

I'm using "settle" as an emotionally- and value-neutral term. What I mean is that I cash in and take my winnings. Move on with life, be happy with my decision. Once I decide to settle, then that's it. It's not the same as I'm giving up and going for "second best"; it'll mean I accept this hand dealt and take it as is without regret.

Hence my use of settle and my post - to seek others' opinions on whether to settle or not.
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I still cant see any difference between your terms.

Whoever you choose is going to be a different person in 20 years anyways.
 
corndogman said:
I still cant see any difference between your terms.

Whoever you choose is going to be a different person in 20 years anyways.
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The difference is not in how it's achieved (cashing in the chips), but in how it's accepted (how one feels/reacts). I will accept settling (if it comes to that) and try my best, rather than get pissed about it.

True that everyone changes. And women depreciate (sorry ladies, 'tis biology). But I think that once I'm satisfied with who I'm with, then the psychological change won't be too significant as people mostly crystallize their thought processes by the end of adolescence, and the physical aging is entirely natural and acceptable if they're decent-looking and maintain themselves.

I agree that my list, though short, narrows a lot. I did a statistical thought-game once and added the variables of (being single) and (being within my daily browsing areas) and came up with less than 5 possible girls, out of an entire city. So I know it's a long shot. Hence my question and query here.
 
SpilledMilk said:
And women depreciate (sorry ladies, 'tis biology).
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Your apology notwithstanding, women are not investments, but people.

If said statement reflects your outlook and perspective on women, my sense is you will remain single for a long, long time.


cheers,
Ian
 
People change but they don't change that much over the years after they reach a particular age range.

Another thing is, "settling" is actually a very misleading concept. Many people who thought they were "settling" ended up with amazing partners who far exceeded their expectations and who may've been better partners than the persons they thought were the One.

Some people don't appreciate what they have, so they call what they have "settling."

Everyone has something different to offer.

I think if we got everything we wanted exactly the way we wanted it, we wouldn't necessarily appreciate it oddly enough. We may think it still isn't quite good enough and want better or more. There are so many people out there who have unbelievable partners but they can't see the forest for the trees; they're focused on what they didn't get based on what they wanted than actually appreciating the much needed partner's qualities which are right in front of them.

So, yeah.
 
SpilledMilk said:
It wasn't in accordance with her "rules". And being the good ENTP that I am, I. Hate. "Rules".
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LOL.

So, you have a rule against rules!

Sounds like you just like to be the one making the rules to me.


P.S.: I hate my conscience. I feel awful for what I said above but it is true. Everyone has rules. If it's what you really want you will find a way to work together. Idealism is lonely and unsatisfying. Word to the wise.
 
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Relevant to me right now...

And no.

I don't think you should settle. I felt things I've never felt before in this last and first relationship I had, but I did sense from the beginning that we weren't compatible and that it wouldn't work out. I think he did, too.

It was a question of when we would break up, not if. We both wouldn't put ourselves fully in... Because we knew we didn't want the same thing.

I think I agree I would rather be alone than to be in a relationship with someone who I don't fully feel able to commit to. I think settling may be more truthfully defined as knowing that you are not compatible with someone, knowing that you or the other person has to sacrifice who they are to make it work, and deciding you'd rather deal with that than be alone.

Just with my experiences in friendships I know it is possible to have a friendship that works seamlessly without either person really being affected negatively. I've even had friendships without fights; at most we have "difficult conversations".

Sex and love are so tempting. Once you realize you're not compatible though... It's time to get out. Really you should be able to stomach being alone, you were born that way and you'll die that way. I'm glad that I did not settle and that I'm confident enough in myself to weather the storm even if that means I'll be forever alone. Some people do end up that way through no fault of their own. And maybe it's whether or not you're willing to give up certain things to love.... Hell, maybe I'm just selfish.

I want to be me. All of me. And maybe being me means the only person who will ever love me is me. Maybe I'm actively making a decision not to love because of my desire to be who I am so strongly. That's a consequence I have to accept I think.
 
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