What does it mean to be in a relationship?

[WaeV]

Everyone has intimacy needs (though to different degrees) and for some people a marriage is the best way to meet those needs in a stable, reliable, trusting fashion.

I think desire for levels of physical intimacy is relative. Not everyone feels that strong and constant physical intimacy is necessary to feel close. Sometimes, emotional intimacy matters more. Of course emotional intimacy tends to create a desire for close physical intimacy, but physical intimacy by itself may not be enough for many.

I think we're in agreement here.

~~~~~

I don't think that all people find it necessary to have a high level of emotional intimacy with people in order to have a high level of physical intimacy, regardless of gender. I would prefer to have my emotional and physical intimacy needs met by the same person, but again, not all people seem to find this essential.

 

[acd]

First. A quote from House of Leaves:



Question: Does this mean that no one can really meet ''halfway'' and there will always be that one person that is just a fraction off which makes them unhappier than the other person?

Answer: I personally believe that coming to an exact middle point in a relationship is impossible since every time you move a new halfway point is made (so regardless of how you compromise you will never get to the point are attempting). But every time you do move that halfway point is closer to the two opposing sides. If each person moves together at an equal rate (or even if one person moves faster than the other) then it becomes easier and easier to see all sides from the point you are at. It almost makes the impossibility of coming to middle ground not as depressing because you will at least be able to see where the other person is coming from. In this fashion each person still gets their own stance (point on the line). Reaching the middle ground becomes unnecessary.

Reminds me of the theory of Relational Dialectics..

Makes sense. As unique individuals, we have unique needs.
A relationship is the ongoing negotiation of these needs between individuals. You never fully arrive at stasis another person. There's no cruise control for relationships: It's constant adjustment even 20 years later.

The only thing that makes the tension worthwhile, are those fleeting moments of holistic unity... Those memories and feelings you can return to when SO is driving you nuts that become a mantra through hard times. When those, as they're called in the theory, aesthetic moments become fewer and fewer, it becomes more and more difficult to hang on.

In a sense, successful relationships exist because both partners never cease to court each other, which provides the motivation to negotiate on their needs.

http://onlineacademics.org/CAInternet/HandoutsArticles/DialecticalTensionArticleBaxter.pdf
(In case anyone's interested in the theory.)

 

[WaeV]

In a sense, successful relationships exist because both partners never cease to court each other, which provides the motivation to negotiate on their needs.

I'd be careful with the phrasing here. I don't think infatuation is indefinitely sustainable. What do you mean by courting?

 

[analyst]

I'll paraphrase a book I'm reading- "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell. He talks about a psychologist who can tell with 95% accuracy if a couple will be together in 10 years based on a 15 minute video tape of them discussing a stressful situation. Essentially, he looks for what he calls the 4 horsemen: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt. The most important of all being contempt, i.e. as soon as one person places him or herself on a higher plane ("you're stupid", etc), the relationship is generally doomed. Not so say that it can't be reversed, but most people don't have the emotional intelligence to identify the problem and counteract it...

 

[Gaze]

I think trust, or the feeling of providing for one another in all aspects is the core foundation, sex is one component of provision and not completely necessary.

Trust is quite foundational for many women in sex, although not all.

Trust and comfort is key.

 

[not sure]

I'll paraphrase a book I'm reading- "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell. He talks about a psychologist who can tell with 95% accuracy if a couple will be together in 10 years based on a 15 minute video tape of them discussing a stressful situation. Essentially, he looks for what he calls the 4 horsemen: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt. The most important of all being contempt, i.e. as soon as one person places him or herself on a higher plane ("you're stupid", etc), the relationship is generally doomed.

Perfectly right too. There is no relationship without connection and the point of that sort of behaviour is designed to create distance and ultimately will lead to a breakdown. The real shame is that most people don't even realize the effects of their actions in the long term. They are so intent on self-preservation in the short term.