Sloe Djinn
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Are you truly going to be ok with it if this doesn't end up as a relationship? It sounds like it was causing you pain and you made the appropriate move of distancing yourself.
[INTP] What does this potentially mean
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Are you truly going to be ok with it if this doesn't end up as a relationship? It sounds like it was causing you pain and you made the appropriate move of distancing yourself.
RandomINTP123
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Ummm, at times it has been harder than I'd like to admit but I think that I'd be ok for the most part. I tried putting myself out there again somewhat, started talking to other people but his comment about missing me did suddenly throw me off and put me on a high again.
I asked him why he made the comment and he said that he felt like he wasn't seeing or hearing from me much (as I suspected). About a month ago he did mention that he doesn't want to lose me as a friend, so maybe he's afraid of losing me somehow. But then last time we hung out, I hugged him goodbye and the next week he told me that he was feeling a bit down (it's extremely rare when he complains or expresses anything negative) and could use a hug, and that hugging me felt good. Just before he told me that he missed me, he also mentioned that he would have liked some hugs. I know some INFJs can get pretty controlled by their fears so I can only assume that has something to do with his behaviors.
I'm not going to pressure him or push him because I'm at the point where if we aren't sure that we want to be with each other, then it's not meant to be. At the same time I know it's probably hard for him to let go the last relationship as I've been there myself. Despite this, I'm aware that I still need to accept and take care of my own feelings and do what I need to do to be ok (something that I've often struggled with)
ErikAlberto
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@RandomINTP123
I’ll share a very personal story that has some similar elements of your current situation with this guy.
Years ago I became friends with a wonderful woman that I type to be INTJ. I had never met anyone with her sensibility and found myself delighted with our rare and deep rapport. But we were just friends.
I was forthcoming when we met and told her that I wasn’t interested in a relationship with her and she was forthcoming in saying that she liked me. Despite what I said, things became flirtatious between us. I was still adamant, for my own reasons though, that I didn’t see us becoming a couple.
This is what I want you to hear: very appropriately, she told me, after a couple months, that she was coming to terms with the fact that she simply had to move on.
I knew, of course, that she was right. I also knew, that when she found someone who would love her as she deserved, I would likely lose our friendship as it was.
We ended up together. I needed her to say what she did. It helped me to reflect on the fact that I knew, in my heart, that I would never meet anyone like her again. That when she found the love she deserved after moving on, that I would regret it, probably, for the rest of my life — because she was amazing. That I was being senselessly thickheaded. The week after that, I came to my senses andI initiated a proper date with her. A year later, I proposed. It was one of the best decisions of my life.
I identify as an INFJ.
Best wishes to you.
I’ll share a very personal story that has some similar elements of your current situation with this guy.
Years ago I became friends with a wonderful woman that I type to be INTJ. I had never met anyone with her sensibility and found myself delighted with our rare and deep rapport. But we were just friends.
I was forthcoming when we met and told her that I wasn’t interested in a relationship with her and she was forthcoming in saying that she liked me. Despite what I said, things became flirtatious between us. I was still adamant, for my own reasons though, that I didn’t see us becoming a couple.
This is what I want you to hear: very appropriately, she told me, after a couple months, that she was coming to terms with the fact that she simply had to move on.
I knew, of course, that she was right. I also knew, that when she found someone who would love her as she deserved, I would likely lose our friendship as it was.
We ended up together. I needed her to say what she did. It helped me to reflect on the fact that I knew, in my heart, that I would never meet anyone like her again. That when she found the love she deserved after moving on, that I would regret it, probably, for the rest of my life — because she was amazing. That I was being senselessly thickheaded. The week after that, I came to my senses andI initiated a proper date with her. A year later, I proposed. It was one of the best decisions of my life.
I identify as an INFJ.
Best wishes to you.
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Sloe Djinn
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I think this is key, and though @slant put it plainly enough, @ErikAlberto ’s anecdote perfectly illustrates the point. The boundaries were clearly communicated.
Of course it’s impossible to predict the result in your situation, which could still randomly turn out exactly the way you want it (whatever that is), but clear communication minimizes the chances of anyone getting strung along or deceived (including yourself).
RandomINTP123
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@ErikAlberto thanks for your story and advice.
I started pulling away again but this time I explained to him why, and that it's too difficult for me to deal with all this. I also told him that it's not his fault and it's my problem to deal with, and that I'd need distance. He said he understands and he is just a call or msg away. I said thanks and I guess, that's that...
I started pulling away again but this time I explained to him why, and that it's too difficult for me to deal with all this. I also told him that it's not his fault and it's my problem to deal with, and that I'd need distance. He said he understands and he is just a call or msg away. I said thanks and I guess, that's that...
ErikAlberto
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RandomINTP123,
No matter how it ends up, I hope you feel the significance of having honored not only yourself, but also your friend, and the special friendship that you two have shared. That is something I hope you will feel good about — even proud of.
Also, I feel a sense of gratefulness that you shared here about this important happening in your life. It’s very meaningful, for many of us — I’m sure, to be a part of your journey in this way. I’m sorry for how this all must hurt.
Regards.
RandomINTP123
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Thanks for your kind words, I do feel good about how it was handled. It feels strange and sad though, going from speaking every single day since May, to probably no longer speaking. Yesterday was the first day we hadn't said a word to each other.
I also feel bad because some months ago he mentioned that he lost a lot of friends this year (they died) and that he appreciated me in his life and wanted me to continue being a part of it. I told him that I would be here for him in response but unfortunately for me, these feelings started affecting my sleep, dreams and by extension work. I worked pretty hard to get to this point and I needed to make a decision for my own mental health and life. If he wants to eventually get back with his ex, at least I wouldn't be there to confuse him, and at least now I can maybe work on making space for someone that can reciprocate.
Thank you everyone that responded to this thread. I greatly appreciate it
I also feel bad because some months ago he mentioned that he lost a lot of friends this year (they died) and that he appreciated me in his life and wanted me to continue being a part of it. I told him that I would be here for him in response but unfortunately for me, these feelings started affecting my sleep, dreams and by extension work. I worked pretty hard to get to this point and I needed to make a decision for my own mental health and life. If he wants to eventually get back with his ex, at least I wouldn't be there to confuse him, and at least now I can maybe work on making space for someone that can reciprocate.
Thank you everyone that responded to this thread. I greatly appreciate it