I liked the maths in school because I was right and someone could not tell me I was looking at it the wrong way or I missed the point. Had an English teacher drove me nuts just a little bit because she was so by the book without reading her own questions:
What do you think was.................
How do you think.....................
What do you feel is....................
You are incorrect thinking that! Hmph!!
I like the maths; right or wrong, I'll always love you.
I am amazed at some of the the similarities of my experience to yours.
I loved reading and writing. I always wanted to do well in school, but in the subjects I loved I could never figure out the right answers. I had
my answers, but they rarely seemed to match with the teacher's answers. Because that external affirmation was so important to me, I lost confidence in my abilities in those subjects I loved.
I ended up in maths by dares and impulsiveness only, not having much interest or sensing much gift for them. But they ended up bringing me the satisfaction of answers and affirmations. The
right answer was always there, waiting to be found. I only had to dig enough and it would reveal itself. It was not dependent on some personal whim of another that I could never quite get in synch with. It was independent of personal expression. I could quietly protect my own personal expression and interpretations
and experience the pleasure of reaching answers that brought me affirmation.
I believe in the human arts there are also answers to be found, but the terrain is so much more complex and the digging so much more arduous that I've not had the stamina for the task. I'm not sure it's a task any human is strong enough to undertake. I think it may take omnipotence. I've made peace with the likely inability of any one to truly have perfect sight in these arts. I've also made peace with my own expression and interpretations absent the external affirmation of
rightness...kind of.
In the maths I've come to see that while the answers I found would bring affirmation of having found the
right answer, I suspect the closed system of maths does not truly have the ability to find answers that exist outside that system. I do, however, think it can at times be a beautifully descriptive language for that external existence.
