What is the secret to falling out of love?

slant said:
Note: This is from the perception of someone who has not ever been 'in love'. I have loved, but not been in love with a person on a signifigantly romantic level. My views may be invalid, but I will still dispense them.

I have thought about this issue on a regular basis for a while now. Why is it that people think that love is a bond that can be terminated? I think that cutting someone out of your life is commonly mistaken for a lack of love; when really, those who are cut out of our lives are the ones who meant the most to us. All emotions stem from love; hate, sadness, shock, confusion....It is a cycle, and sometimes vicious. But when you learn to control your thoughts, emotions, and what you think of a person/place/idea etc. , then the lack of that person is easier to bare. But if you've truly loved deep and great, if you've loved, you're never going to lose that love. Maybe you'll replace it with anger, discontentment, or regret; but the love will always be there because that person has become a part of our lives, our memories, our essence. Whether we think about it or not is our choice, however.
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Interesting and well-said!
 
Satya said:
View attachment 31 Ok, now I need to know the opposite.
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The secret to falling out of love? What are the circumstances? (Teehee..I'm nosy! But seriously.. You don't have to answer..) It's easy to fall out of love with someone who does not respect you if you respect yourself. In my opinion, that is.

It's easy to fall out of love if you realize that you never did, do not currently, and never will have control over another person's actions.. that way, it's easier to let go when they hurt you (cheating, various forms of abuse, etc.) Or when they plain out reject you.

It's easy to fall out of love when you accept that you are a complete person in and of yourself, an intricate universe to explore, actually (forgive my sappiness..)
Because then you depend upon yourself for your own happiness and fulfillment, and you are not dependant trying to manipulate another's actions and feelings towards you. It's easier to let go when you realize these things.. But this is my experience, and I don't know what any of it's worth to anyone else. As I said, I'm just shooting in the dark w/my answers to your rather mysterious question.

And you need to know the opposite? Of falling out of love-- which is to fall in love? I am scratching my head...
 
I've been trying to fall out of love for quite a while now and just when I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, they called me and said they wanted to be friends again. I gave in to temptation but I've decided (as a new years resolution :P) to give it up completely. The way I got so close to falling out of love was to make new friends, spend lots of time with them and avoid all contact with said person. Also having goals helps and focusing on work or school work. Luckily, I have old friends who are willing to listen to me rant about my feelings so that helps too :). Hopefully, in a few months, this will all be behind me.
 
merrytrees said:
And you need to know the opposite? Of falling out of love-- which is to fall in love? I am scratching my head...
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At one point I asked the forum in another thread how to fall in love. Then I did. And then stuff happened. And then I asked the forum how to fall out of love.
 
I've never really fallen in love, but I know how to get other people to fall out of love with me, if that makes sense.

From personal experience; distance yourself, but you don't have to completely cut contact all at once. It might hurt more if you do, actually. Baby steps; allow your mind to slowly preoccupy itself with other things and other people, until you're not "dependent" anymore.
Secondly; consider the fact that a person can be awesome and interesting and cool WITHOUT being a love interest. Learn to admire them more than you love them.
Thirdly; train your mind away from thoughts like, "I need them" or "I miss them so much." Find the positives -- try to convince yourself that you're not in love, and eventually it will be much easier for you not to be in love anymore. This is the hardest part, but don't try to say you can't; it's not impossible, and if you feel like it is, then it's probably because that's not really what you want in the first place.
 
gloomy-optimist said:
I've never really fallen in love, but I know how to get other people to fall out of love with me, if that makes sense.

From personal experience; distance yourself, but you don't have to completely cut contact all at once. It might hurt more if you do, actually. Baby steps; allow your mind to slowly preoccupy itself with other things and other people, until you're not "dependent" anymore.
Secondly; consider the fact that a person can be awesome and interesting and cool WITHOUT being a love interest. Learn to admire them more than you love them.
Thirdly; train your mind away from thoughts like, "I need them" or "I miss them so much." Find the positives -- try to convince yourself that you're not in love, and eventually it will be much easier for you not to be in love anymore. This is the hardest part, but don't try to say you can't; it's not impossible, and if you feel like it is, then it's probably because that's not really what you want in the first place.
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Thanks for the advice...that actually makes a lot of sense :)
 
I've had practice with that method :D
 
Falling out of love is just as hard as falling in love, for me anyways.

Just as trust was an issue with falling IN love, un-trusting is an issue with falling OUT of love. I would have to remind myself to set up boundaries. No phone calls. No excess communication of any sort. Personal things attached to the relationship should hit the trash can, or at least a closet where you can't see it. Detoxing mind, body, and soul are important. Find new places different from the places you and the ex spent together, new faces your ex and you don't have in common, etc. etc. etc. A good 6 months is the minimum before you can bounce back into another relationship, anything sooner than that is just a rebound-relationship. Not helpful for you or the rebound-person, unless a prior agreement (friends with benefits or something of the like) is set up first.

Hanging up on a failed relationship is just a toxic attitude. You deserve to have a better relationship, so motivate yourself after the breakup to get back into the action. You don't have to date, necessarily, if you don't want to, but don't give up on love altogether...unless you TRULY don't want to be in love again.
 
The only problem with that method is that then, anything afterwards that reminds you of your ex is likely to be painful...it's hard to ignore or try to forget something that was once very important to you. While it's harder at the moment, healing really begins when something that was important becomes no longer important; in other words, trying so hard to avoid something that reminds you of someone might actually put your mind on it more than you want...
 
I don't think you can just make something important to you not important. That something will ALWAYS be important to you because even after something else replaces it, you will remember that it was important to you at one point. It won't just go away, not completely, anyways. Ask anyone who has had a divorce, breakup, etc. that they TRULY invested in. That stuff never goes away altogether. You still remember your "first love" even after you're 50yrs old.

I don't think there is a method that completely eradicates a memory of something that big unless there's some kind of trauma attached around it. It's a matter of moving on, not deeming something "unimportant" that gets you through.
 
have you ever seen 'eternal sunshine for the spotless mind'? I think that movie was about forgetting your old loves.

I agree with a lot of what TK said.
 
TK* said:
I don't think you can just make something important to you not important. That something will ALWAYS be important to you because even after something else replaces it, you will remember that it was important to you at one point. It won't just go away, not completely, anyways. Ask anyone who has had a divorce, breakup, etc. that they TRULY invested in. That stuff never goes away altogether. You still remember your "first love" even after you're 50yrs old.

I don't think there is a method that completely eradicates a memory of something that big unless there's some kind of trauma attached around it. It's a matter of moving on, not deeming something "unimportant" that gets you through.
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Yeah; I know what you mean, and I agree with this, but it's difficult to explain using different terms...
I guess what I mean is that you can take something that was really important and make it not as important...kind of like taking an open wound and closing it up. There will still be a scar, but it won't hurt nearly as much...just trying to completely ignore everything, or just avoiding everything that goes with it, won't really help it heal. It'll just kind of make it less noticeable...until, of course, something happens that reminds you of it, and all sorts of old scabs are ripped open to the same pain.
It's harder to let it be and try to slowly overcome the pain than it is to just completely ignore everything; however, in the end, by overcoming love in a manner that truly addresses the problem and rises above it, it's easier to heal more completely...

And yes, it may never really become "unimportant," but rather than being a painful memory and make one bitter...well, you could look back and say that you learned and let go...
 
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This poem has helped me through some tough times.



The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back to your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

~ Derek Walcott
 
The secret to falling out of love is to move on and fall in love with someone else. It is hard to do but once you find the right person and the love is reciprocated, the previous person that you had a crush on will disappear from your mind and heart faster than you thought possible.
 
I agree a lot with TK as well---as for me, it is just as hard falling in love as falling out. But regarding how to fall out, i've only really "loved" or rather, i'd say "really liked" two people in my entire life.

The first, I couldn't get over for about four years---even when I wasn't with him and could never see him again. But this might just because this was the first time I experienced love. The way I got over that was time---I let time erode my feelings away. But for someone who is really loyal to their feelings for someone, this may take time.

The second, i'm actually facing right now. I'm wondering with this same question as well---i've tried denial of feeling, persuading myself that as long as you love yourself, you'll survive, but first and foremost, reminding myself that i'd rather be really close friends with this person than risk everything.

I guess it takes different techniques and varying amounts of time to deal with falling out of love. But reflecting within yourself, you can probably find a way to heal.
 
I've tried avoiding before. Even hating the hell out of the person. Short term wise, worked perfect. I managed to get over her and did not have to talk to her , thus preventing it from coming back up again. Long term wise, sucked like hell. We can never be friends again.
 
AntoniaDodge said:
But from someone trying to get over an INFJ...

please don't call the person you've moved on from, text them or e-mail them "Hi - just want to make sure you're okay"'s every three months or so. You people are exceptionally good at moving on (despite any protestation) and the NT's you leave behind end up sitting with their broken heart in their hands wondering exactly which solvent to use and if it's water soluble.
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In my experience it's harder to move on than it seems. I'd say its more of a deliberate 'freezing of the heart', where even though we can appear to have moved on fully, theres still a small part of us that misses it -- because the INFJ doesnt like to be 'strung' along, he thus hardens himself against the possibility of being used, and tries to move on. Sometimes it works to the extent where we can dial down our feeligns, but there will always be a little something there -- and it hurts when we dig down and access it.

That's been my experience anyways!
The secret to falling out of love is to move on and fall in love with someone else. It is hard to do but once you find the right person and the love is reciprocated, the previous person that you had a crush on will disappear from your mind and heart faster than you thought possible.
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This seems like an ideal solution -- but it is contingent on the fact that you can fall in love with someone else -- which I suppose is possible but just difficult, since its easy for a girl to find people, but not so easy to find someone with personality traits you admire so fully that you can do this.

The other solution is to sever the link harshly. INFJs typically dont like to violate others trust, and as part of the golden rule, they don't like to have theirs violated. Violate their trust in a small way and it will hurt them deeply but they will eventually recover. Theres a saying that sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind. If your INFJ in question really isnt over you and you really aren't over him, then this might be a solution which you might consider.
 
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