[INTJ] - When to end it with INFJ? | INFJ Forum

[INTJ] When to end it with INFJ?

Mar 22, 2022

I'm an INTJ in a relationship with an INFJ. We have been together for a little over three years now. There was a lot of instant chemistry, however things are starting to become extremely tiresome and full of conflict. I'm unsure what to do and I'm beginning to think that there are just fundamental differences between us which will never be resolved. A lot of it boils down to the classic Te vs. Fe conflicts where I feel as if I have to compromise a lot and eventually just put my foot down and she doesn't always like this. I get the sense she feels similarly (although she's too stubborn to admit it). She will say she is okay with something but on the inside I feel like it really bothers her and it's always only a matter of time until there is another conflict.

In terms of the sources of conflict, they are generally the following:

Independence vs. Needing to Be Useful
I value my autonomy, independence and efficiency. She needs to feel needed. Clearly there are going to be conflicts here. I've tried to accommodate, but it starts to become too much. I often feel like my life becomes substantially more complicated to make her feel like she is needed. We have spoken about this, and she has attempted to compromise, but it really still seems to fundamentally bother her at her core.

Integration of Social Circles
She wants to meet my friends but I really couldn't care less. In fact, the effort it takes in an attempt to schedule something and coordinate it with everyone is too great to justify the expenditure. We have tried before and it fails but she forgets and takes things personally. It is not as if I don't want her to meet them, but I'm not an inherently social person and prefer to meet people one-on-one generally. It has happened naturally before, but it just never seems to be enough for her and I'm tired of hearing about it. She tries to hide it but it clearly still bothers her from my view.

Differences in Political/Worldviews
This isn't as extreme as MAGA vs. Antifa as we tend to agree a lot on most things so this might be better described as pragmatism vs. idealism. She seems to have an infinite capacity to find injustice in the world. I can always find a reasonable explanation as to why it exists. In general this isn't bad, but I'm also a very practical person and if you don't put your ideas/words into action, I can only have so much respect for them and see only so much utility in discussing these things. I only have a finite energy to care about different things, and only view myself as being qualified to have an opinion on a few of them so constantly hearing about the injustices of the world becomes grating.

It goes a bit further as well as I tend to be more selfish and put myself first, where she is the contrary and thinks of the group more. Neither is necessarily bad or worse than the other as I can see merits to both, however it doesn't always play out well and I often find myself viewing her as childish. For instance, suppose we are out driving and we stop at a gas station and I'm hungry so I buy a bag of chips. She might get upset that I didn't ask her if she wanted anything. I get it to an extent, but it's also like "You're a full grown adult with your own financial resources and ability to function in the world. If you wanted a bag of chips you should have just gotten one. Not everything needs to be done by committee. Quit your bitching." I really see nothing wrong with it as you can't always take everyone into account in every decision you make. This view is not reciprocated and she gets really upset about it to a point where I don't think a full-grown adult should be acting that way. I'm not entirely sure what to do about it.

It also plays out in other decisions where a negotiation needs to take place and I have the upper hand and she asks me to sacrifice it for her as she doesn't view it as fair. I then give her an explanation as to the decisions she took which resulted in her being in the position she is in and how I shouldn't have to sacrifice my potential due to her actions.

If anyone has any experience with these types of things, I would appreciate your input on the situation. Part of me wants to continue the relationship as we have both grown a lot from it and I generally enjoy spending time with her. But part of me just also wants peace and not have to deal with the constant conflict. I have tried to make this more productive and less of a rant/bitching post, so my apologies if some of that has seeped through.

Thanks in advance.
Hello @questioning.

There is a lot to focus on here. If you don't think you have long-term compatibility, there is no reason to filter through the rest. Your goal in the relationship is what matters. If you are with her until it is no longer fun, end it. If you are seeking long-term connection and you lack that connection, end it. If you have a strong connection and these are the trouble areas, you may want to work on resolving them. You may run into these issues with other women in the future.

While Ian made a good point about communication being key, there is no point in communicating without comprehension.

I see a few points to address here.

– The world needs idea people and action people.
Maybe she hasn't found a way to help solve the problems she sees and needs direction. Maybe her feelings on ethical issues will help inspire action people. Some people are action-oriented by lack vision.

– She seems young or lacking relationship maturity. Her blind idealism also makes her seem young.
Women are trained from childhood about what to expect in relationships. She's hung up on these expectations and seeing your relationship through that lens.
A lot of women will agree that if you don't ask her if she wants chips, it means you don't care about her. This is the road to disaster and drama. Likewise, with expecting you to sacrifice for her.
There are crossed wires here with expectations, and how you work that out depends on the situation.

Some people need more quality time and intimacy with their partners, but neediness often stems from lacking within. Does she have something to focus on that cultivates self-worth?

– If you want to integrate social circles, have a party and invite your friends and her friends.