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Galileo

Galileo

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The Challenger
Ok, this is a difficult story, but here goes...

I have a friend who I met online and we're pretty close. He's actually older than my husband, so he's definitely on the elderly scale, and he's almost blind like me.

Today I learnt that he's intending on moving to thailand to be with his gf there. Up until now, he hasn't actually spent any reasonable amount of time with her, but he does send money to her every month to support her and her daughter.

Now a few things are concerning me about this. Firstly, she apparently has a good job at a university, so why exactly is he supporting her financially?

Secondly, and for me the most worrying, this guy is not independent like me, because he only recently lost his sight, so moving to a new country, especially one that doesn't have laws that make things accessible to disabled people is going to be incredibly hard on him if he doesn't get the support from this girlfriend.

I'm really worried that he's going to get stuck over there and she is going to find the job of assisting him incredibly difficult. It's all very well to have a partner who comes over a couple of times a year and sends you money every month, but it's totally different to having them live with you. I'm also worried that this isn't what it seems.

Now, I haven't said any of this to him yet, but I really want to.

The problem is is that I just can't figure out how. I'm playing this over in my mind and I don't know how to convey it in a way that is actually going to make him take notice of these concerns.

am I just being paranoid?
have any of you had to do this for a friend in a similar situation?
 
Either option is alright - whether you tell him or don't tell him. There is no good or bad in the situation. There may be what you would prefer to happen and what he would, but nobody has any clue as to what's actually going to go down. I think we spend too much of our lives worrying about so many different things that never actually happen. So either choice is fine, I'd say.

A few questions though:

1. Do you really think that anything you would say to him would change his mind?

2. If you think you could change his mind (I imagine you probably wouldn't be able to), to what extent would you be willing to go to change his mind... and if you're not sure... would it be worth damaging your friendship trying to convince him to stay?

Honestly, if I were you, I would tell him that I'm concerned about him moving to Thailand and that the situation sounds sketchy to me - and that I'm worried that it's going to end up turning into craziness, but if he's sure about it then I'll support him. Voicing concern, but allowing him to fully make the decision. At that point, he'll get to decide if he's really set on it... and if he is, you won't harbor any bad feelings because you didn't have to hold yourself back, and he won't hold any bad feelings because you aren't trying to control him. Of course, it may not work out that way, but that's the way I'd imagine it for any reasonable people... as long as you don't go psycho-nagging-controlling on him.

Anyway, if he made the decision to go, you could just hope for the best and wish him well. You don't know what's going to happen either. Either way though, it'll be exciting and interesting. ;)

Double honestly though, are you just jealous that he's moving in with another girl? Someone might be harboring a little bit of a crush on him - and that person's name is Y O U!
 
Wow, that sounds incredibly sketch...

Consider this: do you know this friend apart from the internet? And along with that, are you 100% sure you have the FULL story?

Also, how "desperate" is this guy to "find love"? And is he the emotional/impulsive sort?

If you are positive you have the full story and you can answer "very" to any of the questions in the 2nd paragraph, he's in trouble! If it were me, I would talk to him.

However, in my experience with people doing irrational things in the name of "love" (which is extensive for my short time on earth), he probably won't listen to you. By all means, warn him! But, he's probably going to be pissed at you and do it anyway.

The reason you warn him is because 1) He might change his mind at the last minute because he considers your warnings and 2) If he doesn't change his mind and the situation is exactly what it sounds like, he will get out of there quicker if he has your words echoing in his mind....

Either way, this is going to be an unpleasant conversation for you and a true friend thing if you decide to warn him...
 
Double honestly though, are you just jealous that he's moving in with another girl? Someone might be harboring a little bit of a crush on him - and that person's name is Y O U!
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I'm married...I said so in my post, so I hardly want this guy moving in with me and I'm hardly in love with him!!!

I've known him for a long time, and I have visited him when I've been in Germany. our friendship has never been anything but friendship...and I have a blanket rule about not dating blind guys after the first one that went horribly wrong.

anyway, We're friends enough that I think that he would at least listen to my concerns. I'm not trying to stop him, I just want him to take this a bit slower, for example, actually go and live with her for a few months rather than just taking holidays there to see if it would actually work for him, rather than just dropping everything and going to live there.



I am very sure I have the full story, at least from his side, I'm concerned he hasn't got the full story on her side, but then again he may, and it might work out. I think he's lonely and wants to be with someone and a companion, and that's why I'm worried that he's taking the big step and moving there too soon.

I'm not at all interested in stopping it altogether, I just want to make sure he's not walking into a situation it would be hard to get out of if he needs to.
 
2. If you think you could change his mind (I imagine you probably wouldn't be able to), to what extent would you be willing to go to change his mind...
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I don't think I would want to go very far beyond at least a heart to heart conversation about it, he's my friend yes, but I realise he has his own life to lead.

and if you're not sure... would it be worth damaging your friendship trying to convince him to stay?
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this is the part I'm worried about. I've seen a couple of my other friends get burnt in these situations before, so part of me is just telling me to do it because I've seen the evidence and I should do it for his own good, at least to stop him from throwing his life away in one country for one in another that might go wrong. but another part of me likes having him as a friend and is telling me it's not worth it.

but at the same time I feel it's what a friend should do.
 
Griffschen:

You stated multiple times in your post that you are worried. I took that as a good sign because what you are considering is your own feelings for someone you care about. To me, it spoke to your ownership of those feelings, and respect of personal boundary.

I think it would be fine to discuss this with your friend if the context in which it is presented is that of you asking your friend if he would help you meet your need for comfort. Express that you are worried because you don
 
If it was my close friend, I would definitely tell him my worries. I don't see a huge difference though between going to stay for a few months vrs dropping everything and moving there. It's not like he won't be able to change his mind and come back, right? I hope it works out for him.
 
Well, yes and no, he's talking about selling his house before moving, so if he does come back, he won't have that to come home to.
 
Aeon said:

Express to him that you are not trying to change his mind, but that your support for him will be stronger with additional information that will help you to understand what his situation is now, and what it will be.
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I agree with Aeon. Tell him that you really care about his well being and sure would like some additional information and facts so that You would feel better when he goes. You can say you are a worry wart or some self deprecating statement so it seems the concern falls entirely upon your shoulders. I know this seems somewhat deceitful - but it will help him to seriously look at the steps he is taking without becoming defensive.

I too would want more information and would try to work out the list of pros and cons of selling his home. It is likely he will not be able to sell before he moves there anyway. You could point that out and suggest renting it to someone as an alternative. Then it would be there for him when/if he returns. This is only strategizing - not an attempt to change his mind.

It is very important that you don't try to change his mind. That will only encourage him to dig in his heels and resist all attempts at logic.

You seem to be a very good friend for this person. He is lucky to have you as one.

Good luck!
 
I'd just like to say thank you to you all for your good advice!

I had a 4 hour long talk with my friend yesterday, and I went through all of my concerns and the exact reasons for my worry, without implying that I didn't want him to go through with it, but expressing the fear that if by some chance it didn't work out there would be nothing for him to come back to in Germany and also that it would be very hard to get himself out of thailand in the first place if he needed to do so.

After talking through the options he's agreed not to sell the house at first, but to leave it in the care of some relatives [nieces I think] and go to stay in thailand for 3 months to find out exactly what life will be like there for him, and to actually test the water before moving in with this woman perminantly.

He wasn't happy about the decision, but he does know that his idea to just drop everything and move over there was rash and he's not at all angry with me for bringing it up and voicing my concerns.


So thank you all for your help, I really was very worried and now the situation is a lot better for your advice.
 
I am glad to hear of this, and my sense is that you are a true friend — possessing the courage to stop being polite and go where it might be uncomfortable — to further understanding, express care, recognize boundary and autonomy, and come to a place of acceptance of your friend — as he is.


Namaste,
Ian
 
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