When too much is just too much...

[Trifoilum]

I have quite a messy train of thought here, apologize for the roundabout way of getting to the point.

First of all, I'm coming across a piece that exposes victim blaming, in this case, rape. I found the attitude disturbing, to say the least. They should not be berated, nor should their pain be less significant / important because they aren't smart/prudent/careful enough or any reasons the speakers tend to say.
To a certain degree, victim blaming is more widespread than deep cases such as rape. So I'm trying to apply the particular mentality to more mundane, daily problems; in context of confiding, emotional support, releasing stress via telling our problems to people. I'm stumbling into something, at least in my personal experiences; mainly the fact that there are points turned into a big pot of something ugly; that it started to aggravate me.

Question 1 : Is it just that the particular mentality of 'just tell me/the world your pain' cannot be (constantly) applicable to all situations? (granted, rape and a bad day with your SO is pretty much different.)

To elaborate, whining and complaining starts having its negative connotation. I know from observation and experience (both firsthand and secondhand) that it can be at least a mixture of negativity, feeding the ego, self-serving statements or self-fullfiling prophecies. They bring the speaker nowhere, and starts burdening / annoying the listener instead.

Worst of all, from my current experience it's very hard to recognize when I'm at that stage of mentality, much less do anything about it; it's a bit like driving fast with the brakes broken-- hard to stop, completely stupid to begin with but hard to get away from. I don't know if it's the case for everyone, though.

There are lots of problems for the speaker. But that's not what I'm asking.
My question, in this case, is for the listeners;
Question 2 : Do you have a point when you just think 'enough, this person's just complained too much.'? When and based on what?
Question 3 :What do you do when that point's been reached?

 

[Number B]

YES! I have been waiting for this, now I can vent my frustration of all the times people tell me things
they don't really want to solve in the first place!


Question 1 : Is it just that the particular mentality of 'just tell me/the world your pain' cannot be (constantly) applicable to all situations? (granted, rape and a bad day with your SO is pretty much different.)

First of all, let me say I think it is our duty as INFJ's to take of those who need our "emotional" support (since we are so very capable of doing so).
But yes there is a point whereby (and this is my own perception of this which may not ring true for everybody) people become dependant on me in a negative way.
For example, one of uncles is a very needy person with a lot of issues he does not deal with. (He also never shares anything, not even with his wife. Yes I did tell
him he should share more things with his wife). I supported him, tried to help him sort himself out, listened to a lot of things I did not want to hear or need to hear.
He ended up becomming too dependant on me telling me things, and like a patient that gets hooked on therapy he keep kept comming back without solving the problems. (He ended up verbally abusing me for not wanting to go to lunch with him because I wanted to finish my work). He cried and uttered the words "you make me feel like shit".

It was than that I realized he was taking it way too far. We no longer had the "normal" uncle, nephew relationship (It leaves me puzzled to this day).
Anyway after a he kept having outburst at me so I decided to end contact with him eventhough he was my uncle. Most insecure person I have ever met which is
supprising because he has a high position at the company he works for.

Question 2 : Do you have a point when you just think 'enough, this person's just complained too much.'? When and based on what?
When the same story comes up, over and over and over. And you say to them, we've talked about this before remember what I said I said "bla bla bla".
It's when you see begin to see patterns, that's when you know someone is complaining too much.

Question 3 :What do you do when that point's been reached?
I am a very emotionally independant person (anti social). So when I see that someone has become emotionally dependant on me in a way that is not helpful I
usually cut the cord. (Don't get me wrong I love to help people out). In the past I would just keep on helping people until I would burn out emotionally.
I had days whereby I felt no emotion at all (strange sensation I must say) anyone else experience this before? Anyway that's usually a cue to get out.

 

[Sriracha]

It's too much when I have become severely agitated, then become detached as a coping mechanism.

 

[toska]

Question 2 : Do you have a point when you just think 'enough, this person's just complained too much.'? When and based on what?
Question 3 :What do you do when that point's been reached?

It's when your "support" starts becoming more of a crutch that keeps enabling a continuous cycle of dependency.

 

[knight in battle]

Question 2 : Do you have a point when you just think 'enough, this person's just complained too much.'? When and based on what?
Question 3 :What do you do when that point's been reached?

It's too much when the complaining is done to someone who is no longer in the position to listen effectively, but this doesn't mean that complaining can't be taken elsewhere.

Here's my theory: the reason why a person needs therapy is because they need to complain about something, and the need to complaining won't stop until all the complaining thoughts are expressed to one or more persons listening.

 

[Apone]

Question 1 : Is it just that the particular mentality of 'just tell me/the world your pain' cannot be (constantly) applicable to all situations? (granted, rape and a bad day with your SO is pretty much different.)

Yes, I think this is right... people remember things in strange ways and sometimes the mind can make something worse than it actually is, and talking about it can do a lot more damage than say, going out for a run together and getting some exercise or just generally moving ahead with your life. If it's something with a lot of stigma like an assault, then people can use that to guilt you into some sort of relationship with them where you end up feeling obligated to deal with their shit... and sometimes there's no solution for you OR them.

Question 2 : Do you have a point when you just think 'enough, this person's just complained too much.'? When and based on what?

I either shut down, try to change the topic, leave, or suggest that we do something fun involving some kind of physical activity. If that doesn't work and there's absolutely no way out of it, then I'll probably just ditch them. I like to think I have a pretty high tolerance for this kind of thing but at a certain point I start to dread running into them. I do think that people can change though-- it would probably be best to just be straight up and tell them that you're out of ideas about how to help them and then tell them to seek help elsewhere... but of course, most people including myself don't do that and usually just take off without explaining why.

Question 3 :What do you do when that point's been reached?

It depends on how well I know them...