Why is this happening to me

slant said:
That's what I'm trying to do. And I can't figure out why even though I'm moving on I continue to dwell on it. Like I can't control my mind it keeps resurfacing
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It sucks to think you’re making a meaningful connection with someone and then realize that it’s going nowhere through no fault of your own. It takes time to get over that because your brain is getting all pavlovian over what might have been whenever you see him. Time and patience are really the only answer. Maybe give yourself a break from open mic if his presence is really throwing you off, but it’s your call. I guess one question to ask yourself is: Do my negative feelings about this outweigh the positive influence of socializing with my other friends there?
 
Sloe Djinn said:
It sucks to think you’re making a meaningful connection with someone and then realize that it’s going nowhere through no fault of your own. It takes time to get over that because your brain is getting all pavlovian over what might have been whenever you see him. Time and patience are really the only answer. Maybe give yourself a break from open mic if his presence is really throwing you off, but it’s your call. I guess one question to ask yourself is: Do my negative feelings about this outweigh the positive influence of socializing with my other friends there?
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Patience is my lesson this year. Everything that keeps happening to me requires PATIENCE and I don't have any! Working on it!!
 
Regardless of the reason he is this way, it is safe to assume he will only continue this pattern of behavior. If it bothers you now, it will be ten times worse if you get closer -- so this whole situation is actually a blessing.

Personally, I would stop going to open mic for a while and attempt to get your needs met elsewhere.
 
Korg said:
Regardless of the reason he is this way, it is safe to assume he will only continue this pattern of behavior. If it bothers you now, it will be ten times worse if you get closer -- so this whole situation is actually a blessing.

Personally, I would stop going to open mic for a while and attempt to get your needs met elsewhere.
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I CAN'T STOP GOING

I'll just focus on my other friends for a lil bit. Plus I have a romance blooming with someone else so maybe I'll lean into that for now. It's very exciting and I haven't gotten laid for a year. Maybe getting laid would help.
 
slant said:
I really don't understand WHY it is so important for me to know him. When he is feeling good, we have a great time and laugh and vibe more than I vibe with most people. But it's really not worth when he suddenly goes cold on me. No matter what I do I can't ignore the feeling I have and I really don't know what to do to get it to go away. I don't want to stop going to to the open Mike.
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It's happening to you because you actually like the guy and you could potentially see yourself with him, but his behavior is frustrating and kind of a deal breaker... BUT... you also kind of, sort of understand where he's coming from, so part of you is also excusing it. Hence, why it's so hard to shake. If only the stupid guy could behave in a way that's in line with your preferences and actually disclose whether he's interested or not, eh?

I agree with @Korg that you should probably take a step back if its distressing you. You don't have control over his feelings and his reactions, and to some degree, you don't have control over your own, but what you do have control over is how you manage your time and what you can do to influence your own feelings and behavior. So take control where you can and then come back to your open night once you got a bit of your focus back and you can direct it to the other enjoyable aspects of the activity.
 
He's hot and cold because you are giving contradictory signals yourself. Think about how you come across to him, and how you would react to it. It's like you're mirroring each other. "He's not physically my type...yet I've approached him, texted... I want to have sex with this other guy... I want the first guy whom I approached as my mentor...or something" etc. Wouldn't he perceive you to be giving him hot & cold? Surely he's confused because on the one hand you're approaching him, on the other hand pulling away, dreaming of someone else.

slant said:
I can't seem to figure out what I need to do in order to resolve it. So frustrating
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Figure out what you want, then tell him. The poor guy is probably wondering if this is going to be a sexual relationship or not. You want a mentor? Then tell him you want a mentor, that you could be friends but nothing more. No more cryptic messages. Sure, sometimes they can be romantic and fun, but in this case it only looks like you're trying to pin the responsibility on him because you can't decide what to do. Being cryptic means that instead of figuring out and saying directly what you want, you want him to interpret you and thus reveal his own feelings first, so that you don't have to take a risk. From his perspective it probably looks like you're playing with him. Make a decision and stand by it.
 
I’m going to answer this from the viewpoint of someone diagnosed and dealing with,major depression, generalized anxiety disorder and ptsd. On top of being INFJ.


There is no way to speak for that guy or you.

The best thing is be patient and try not to idealize a future with him. Take it all for what it is at the moment. It’s hard, yes... though you have a lot going for you which is awesome.

Humans say focus on this or that. It’s not fully equated. We do focus on those things. But there is down time. You can’t have laser focus on certain things if you are human. There’s so many levels, feelings and interests.

I think, if it’s explained correctly. We are energy beings. Focus your energy on you. Let your flesh and brain do what it does. There is a difference between mind and brain. Essentially the essence of who you are vs chemical reactions which are often contradictory.

I think this seems an unfair existence because we live in a state of cognitive dissonance. Though it can be simple. Just decide which has served you better.

Then you’ll have the answer and direction.
 
Fidicen said:
He's hot and cold because you are giving contradictory signals yourself. Think about how you come across to him, and how you would react to it. It's like you're mirroring each other. "He's not physically my type...yet I've approached him, texted... I want to have sex with this other guy... I want the first guy whom I approached as my mentor...or something" etc. Wouldn't he perceive you to be giving him hot & cold? Surely he's confused because on the one hand you're approaching him, on the other hand pulling away, dreaming of someone else.


Figure out what you want, then tell him. The poor guy is probably wondering if this is going to be a sexual relationship or not. You want a mentor? Then tell him you want a mentor, that you could be friends but nothing more. No more cryptic messages. Sure, sometimes they can be romantic and fun, but in this case it only looks like you're trying to pin the responsibility on him because you can't decide what to do. Being cryptic means that instead of figuring out and saying directly what you want, you want him to interpret you and thus reveal his own feelings first, so that you don't have to take a risk. From his perspective it probably looks like you're playing with him. Make a decision and stand by it.
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I favour this advice.
 
Fidicen said:
He's hot and cold because you are giving contradictory signals yourself. Think about how you come across to him, and how you would react to it. It's like you're mirroring each other. "He's not physically my type...yet I've approached him, texted... I want to have sex with this other guy... I want the first guy whom I approached as my mentor...or something" etc. Wouldn't he perceive you to be giving him hot & cold? Surely he's confused because on the one hand you're approaching him, on the other hand pulling away, dreaming of someone else.


Figure out what you want, then tell him. The poor guy is probably wondering if this is going to be a sexual relationship or not. You want a mentor? Then tell him you want a mentor, that you could be friends but nothing more. No more cryptic messages. Sure, sometimes they can be romantic and fun, but in this case it only looks like you're trying to pin the responsibility on him because you can't decide what to do. Being cryptic means that instead of figuring out and saying directly what you want, you want him to interpret you and thus reveal his own feelings first, so that you don't have to take a risk. From his perspective it probably looks like you're playing with him. Make a decision and stand by it.
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Please! Teach me to covey concisely!
 
@slant

From this and from what you have said elsewhere about another relationship, you seem to be strongly attracted to enigmas in the men you talk about. Just a thought to play with, but I wonder if much of the puzzle is actually within you and you are unconsciously drawn to people who you feel are kind of like mirrors in which you hope you can see the obscure parts of yourself more clearly. This sort of thing can be emotionally very compelling because it’s like an instinctive urge towards inner wholeness.

The reason I wonder this is because I can only feel this guy in relationship to your own confusion and underlying fierce need for clarity. I can’t really see him as a distinct person through your eyes, but only your reflection in his face.
 
Fidicen said:
He's hot and cold because you are giving contradictory signals yourself. Think about how you come across to him, and how you would react to it. It's like you're mirroring each other. "He's not physically my type...yet I've approached him, texted... I want to have sex with this other guy... I want the first guy whom I approached as my mentor...or something" etc. Wouldn't he perceive you to be giving him hot & cold? Surely he's confused because on the one hand you're approaching him, on the other hand pulling away, dreaming of someone else.


Figure out what you want, then tell him. The poor guy is probably wondering if this is going to be a sexual relationship or not. You want a mentor? Then tell him you want a mentor, that you could be friends but nothing more. No more cryptic messages. Sure, sometimes they can be romantic and fun, but in this case it only looks like you're trying to pin the responsibility on him because you can't decide what to do. Being cryptic means that instead of figuring out and saying directly what you want, you want him to interpret you and thus reveal his own feelings first, so that you don't have to take a risk. From his perspective it probably looks like you're playing with him. Make a decision and stand by it.
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I never have flirted with him or told him I am interested in him romantically. I am not. It wouldn't be a beneficial relationship for either of us. I don't understand why everyone keeps implying it's romantic... It's not, and I've stated this MULTIPLE times
 
John K said:
@slant

From this and from what you have said elsewhere about another relationship, you seem to be strongly attracted to enigmas in the men you talk about. Just a thought to play with, but I wonder if much of the puzzle is actually within you and you are unconsciously drawn to people who you feel are kind of like mirrors in which you hope you can see the obscure parts of yourself more clearly. This sort of thing can be emotionally very compelling because it’s like an instinctive urge towards inner wholeness.

The reason I wonder this is because I can only feel this guy in relationship to your own confusion and underlying fierce need for clarity. I can’t really see him as a distinct person through your eyes, but only your reflection in his face.
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With this person in particular it has felt that way. Like we are reflecting each other to each other. It's really frustrating. I think it's because he is an empath.
 
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