Would you rather be wanted or needed?

[rawr]

C'mon Spinkles, no guy has ever said they needed you.

ouch, that's low.

 

[sprinkles]

ouch, that's low.

It's not as low as it is stupid and a waste of my time.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

ouch, that's low.

I thought it was bad to be needed

 

[sprinkles]

I thought it was bad to be needed

I call bullshit.

How would I know I don't like it if I hadn't experienced it? I have no idea what you were up to but it was unnecessary and unproductive regardless. Not to mention irrational, off topic, sudden, presumptuous and very annoying.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

• unnecessary
• unproductive
• irrational
• off topic
• sudden
• presumptuous
• very annoying

 

[sprinkles]

How do you manage to piss me off and then reverse it so easily?

That's some kind of strange talent you seem to have.

 

[MrSquared]

Wanted. I've tried the needed bit with a few ex's and that definitely gets old after a year or two. But the wanted thing intrigues me.

 

[just me]

"Two out of three ain't bad".....old song this thread made me think of.

Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't getting us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can
There's nothin' left inside of here

And maybe you can cry all night
But that'll never change the way that I feel
The snow is really piling up outside
I wish you wouldn't make me leave here

I poured it on and I poured it out
I tried to show you just how much I care
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
But you've been cold to me so long
I'm cryin' icicles instead of tears

And all I can do is keep on tellin' you
I want you, oh, I need you
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad, oh, 'cause two out of three ain't bad
Now don't be sad no 'cause two out of three ain't bad

You'll never find your gold on a sandy beach
You'll never drill for oil on a city street
I know you're lookin' for a ruby in a mountain of rocks
But there ain't no Coupe de Ville hidin'
At the bottom of a cracker jack box

I can't lie, I can't tell you that I'm somethin' I'm not
No matter how I try, I'll never be able
To give you somethin', somethin' that I just haven't got

Well, there's only one girl I will ever love
That was so many year ago
And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart
Never loved me back, ooh I know

I remember how she left me on a stormy night
She kissed me and got out of our bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
She packed her bags and turned right away

And she kept on tellin' me, kept on tellin' me, kept on tellin' me
I want you, oh, I need you
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad no, oh, 'cause two out of three ain't bad

I want you, oh, I need you
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't, now don't, now don't look at me on your bed, on your bed
Now don't be sad no, oh, 'cause two out of three ain't bad

Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't getting us nowhere

That said, I would rather be loved.

 

[bionic]

This is one of the biggest truths about being with someone you want and love, which gets denied or defined as obsession. We've been taught today to believe that no one should want or need anyone. If someone wants or needs anyone, they are seen as needy. What you describe is not about true contentment and soulful intimacy in a partner, where they become a part of you, and therefore you need their presence because two feel as though they are one whole. They feed each other.

Yessss exactly. I feel like this is attainable too if you're ready. I know when I'm separated from my bf for long periods of time, I start to feel very lonely and crave having his support more. I think my generation has a problem with commitment. Many of them are commitment-phobes or they think of a relationship as something that is fleeting. A lot of people nowadays don't go into a relationship with true intentions wanting to commit with someone, be loyal, and/or be apart of a team.

They go for many different reasons other than love and I feel like most relationships/marriages that aren't built on love are just gonna end up in divorce. No one wants to put "work" into it anymore. I find that really sad because love is soooo rewarding. Being in a relationship has probably been the BEST thing I've ever been in because it's pushed me to grow and become a better person. It's pushed me to share myself, be opened with my vulnerabilities, accept my needs, find who I am, etc. I am better with him than I am without him.

 

[Eventhorizon]

Again there are different levels of need. But the question was fairly specific in choosing one or the other for a reason.
I could say that "I"... but I am choosing to say that I as an intj have a difficult time lying. If I think about lying I feel as if I am going against everything that I am. I feel as if there is something very wrong if I feel like I have to lie about anything. So, if a person asks me as they have in the past, "Dont you need me?" in various forms. I have to stop and process the answer for a long while. The amount of time it takes to answer has never never resulted in a good thing. Answering, "No I dont feel like I need you but I do want you," isnt any better or hasn't been anyway. My mind tells me just to answer the way you know they want you to answer. It would be so much easier. Like the answer most people give when you ask how they are doing. You know, "Fine!" "Great!" as they stand there coughing up a lung with a cold. But I cant because its a lie.
Anyway I am rambling and I bet that makes it sound like it comes up all the time when it doesnt. Im just thinking about finding another potential relationship and going over all the things that have gone wrong in the past. All in hopes of finding something that will ultimately last.

 

[LoobyLoo1981]

I love being wanted and I love the feeling of wanting my partner - and we are apart for six months a year so frequently have this emotion - but I associate want with the more sexual side of a relationship.

On the other hand, I love being needed. Because there are times when I need him too and I understand that feeling, and to have that reciprocated makes me feel incredibly lucky. It's like you don't know how to breathe when you're apart for long periods. You're independent and life goes on because it has to, but a piece of you is always with them and you feel like you need it, and them, back where it belongs.

I don't see it as neediness, I see it as I've found my soulmate and now that I know what it feels like to be with him, its not the same without him.
I think that is need, not want, and of the two is what I think will keep us together for the rest of our lives. Why be together if you don't need one another?

But don't get me wrong the want is still very much there...especially after three months!

 

[Dohavior]

Needed= Purpose with a plan reaching beyond the desire, thoughtful contemplation of your role in another's life, love. A prerequisite that is mutual and necessary.

Wanted= A repressed deviance guilty and indulgent, a misassociated diversion. It comes at a cost.

I find alternating between the two for maximum emotional collateral damage is best for breaking the ice. Break the super imposed ego and the ego then the softy pudgy id center mmm tastes like chocolate!

 

[bossman80]

Both

 

[Odyne]

Wanted. He is choosing to be with me out of desire, not fear. Needed makes me feel trapped.

Need = necessary = codependency = emotionally incapable of existence without you. Not sexy. In fact, boner death. Run screaming from this.

Want = optional = independent = emotionally capable of existence without you, but invested in you anyway. That's pretty awesome and desirable.

I agree with these two sentiments. I went out on a date one time, and I remember losing interest and then freaking out gradually when my date was telling me how he;s looking for someone "to ground him". The way I understood it was that he wasn't capable of grounding himself on his own and that his partner would have to keep an eye on him and revolve her entire life around him, and that terrifies me. I would feel trapped as well. I feel that someone who needs me would be someone who is controlling and possessive of me. I just can't.


Being wanted is more attractive. I want my partner to be comfortable in his skin, capable of existing and steering his life on his own, but wants me in his life because he believes that I am THE woman to stand by his side regardless. I think someone like that will understand me best and support me in my endeavors in life, because they recognize in me that same desire for independence, success and freedom to grow.


I know that may come off as void of passion, but needing someone doesn't mean the same thing as loving them. Being a necessity isn't flattering, in my opinion. On other hand, being admired and admiring him in return, for the amazing people that we both are- now that is hot.

 

[Zen Lizard]

Definitely wanted. Needed implies that the person isn't complete within themselves and needs me to fill a void. I'm not willing to accept such responsibility for another's happiness, and neither should I place that burden of "need" on another.

 

[Yva]

Pretty straight forward. In a relationship if you could only have one, would you rather be needed or wanted?

Definitely needed. Isn't a need more powerful and long-lasting than a want?
A want is secondary but a need is primary. For example a little boy needs food but he wants a toy, which he will no longer desire for after a while.

 

[Mfj8LaH546rfr]

Need = necessary = codependency = emotionally incapable of existence without you. Not sexy. In fact, boner death. Run screaming from this.

Want = optional = independent = emotionally capable of existence without you, but invested in you anyway. That's pretty awesome and desirable.

I love how our minds work. Is this not the exact way we reason out everything? So simple, clear, and logical.

It’s always a mystery to me when people don’t see things that same way. I’m sure there’s a way to see things that makes another reality just as valid to another MB type, but for us, is this not the only correct answer?

 

[SpecialEdition]

Wanted.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Nobody can now stomach the notion of needing anyone, or being needed by anyone.

It destroys the myth of late capitalism in the West that we're all isolated, self-contained, independent labour units - able to function without social 'needs'; to go anywhere and do anything in the economic service of the elite.

To 'need' is to admit a kind of weakness that is unpalatable to people who exist within a culture that rewards independence. It lowers perceived social status; lowers relative scarcity value.

People are trained to signal aloofness, value, scarcity - all things which run counter to 'need'.

'I could drop you tomorrow and it wouldn't affect my life. You are a supplement; a non-essential pleasure. A toy, a plaything.' This is the line of the culture.

To need or to be needed isn't exactly the right word, since it doesn't capture the element of' choice', of choosing someone willingly; but 'want', at least in the sense used here, does not adequately express how non-disposable human relationships in their fullest development really are.

'I want you but I don't need you' - this isn't enough, and it's never true anyway.

'I want you, and you are irreplaceable to me. Our interdependence enriches both of our lives, and while I'd survive your loss, I would be worse off for it.' - this seems a bit closer to what I'd prefer. I don't want anyone thinking that they're some kind of disposable' extra' to me; they should instead feel what the reality is - that they form part of the fabric of my life, and tearing them our would leave the cloth with ragged ends.

 

[Sidis Coruscatis]

Nobody can now stomach the notion of needing anyone, or being needed by anyone.

It destroys the myth of late capitalism in the West that we're all isolated, self-contained, independent labour units - able to function without social 'needs'; to go anywhere and do anything in the economic service of the elite.

To 'need' is to admit a kind of weakness that is unpalatable to people who exist within a culture that rewards independence. It lowers perceived social status; lowers relative scarcity value.

People are trained to signal aloofness, value, scarcity - all things which run counter to 'need'.

'I could drop you tomorrow and it wouldn't affect my life. You are a supplement; a non-essential pleasure. A toy, a plaything.' This is the line of the culture.

To need or to be needed isn't exactly the right word, since it doesn't capture the element of' choice', of choosing someone willingly; but 'want', at least in the sense used here, does not adequately express how non-disposable human relationships in their fullest development really are.

'I want you but I don't need you' - this isn't enough, and it's never true anyway.

'I want you, and you are irreplaceable to me. Our interdependence enriches both of our lives, and while I'd survive your loss, I would be worse off for it.' - this seems a bit closer to what I'd prefer. I don't want anyone thinking that they're some kind of disposable' extra' to me; they should instead feel what the reality is - that they form part of the fabric of my life, and tearing them our would leave the cloth with ragged ends.

This is that classic Hos wisdom which made me sign up. Excellent.