I left.
It was a very complicated choice. One that cannot be boiled down to simplistic statements about what marriage is or should be. Life is a lot more complex than ideals. It may be difficult for anyone strongly opposed to the decision I made to understand my choice. No one else can walk through my years of relationship and see it from my perspective.
I spent years (15+) working to feel the way I was supposed to in my marriage, partially for the sake of a marriage ideal, partially for the sake of children, and partially for the sake of religious beliefs I'd subscribed to.
I was told that love is not a feeling, but rather a choice. I accepted this and strove to make and stick with that choice to love for many years. In many ways, I succeeded, as evidenced by the continuing respect and affection I feel for my ex-spouse. However, love comes in many forms, and not all of them are marital.
My husband and I volunteered our time for many years encouraging other couples to remain married and to stick through the varying cycles that come with a long-term relationship. I have seen and experienced the ups and downs in relationship and there is so much truth to the advice to hang in there. It does get better again. I know from experience and observation it does. In my case, the question became, what is the baseline and am I willing to sacrifice the remainder of my finite life to it?
When we spoke to couples struggling in their marriage, I saw many cases of substance abuse, infidelity, and sometimes just life pulling people in different directions. I saw love turned inside out by hurt in each one of them. I too experienced that sort of inside out emotion during dark times, but the hate was never as deep, nor the baseline of love to return to as strong. I valued the qualities of my husband and I cared for him as a companion. Perhaps in some cultures and for many people, that would be enough to sustain a marriage. I, however, did not feel my life was being truly lived in that relationship. I had made repeated choices to sacrifice my life to the marriage, yet at some point, when the life I had remaining to be lived became more and more scarce, I felt enough internal pressure to choose differently. Either side of the choice has consequences. Divorce is a dramatic and stressful life change for all involved, some of them innocent to the decisions that brought the relationship into being in the first place. Yet damaging relationships, or even just unfulfilled relationships, also present long-term stress and requirements for coping in both partners and their children. I began to believe the only life I could be sure of was best lived, not sublimated to well-meaning, but quite possibly false, axioms about the limits marriage must put on a life.
I have experienced a love of companionship trying to be more--working daily to feel committed to that love and relationship for years. I have now also experienced a marital love where a feeling of commitment flows naturally from the experience of love. The varying emotional cycles of relationship are still present, but I feel a baseline of commitment there that does not have to be constructed out of sheer will now.
In retrospect I agree that perhaps the key is finding the right person in the beginning. That, however, is far simpler to decide on than to actually implement. How to know if uncertainty is actually a signal it's not the right person, or just jitters? That kind of discernment is not easily attained and the consequences of misjudgment are grave--not easy weights to carry for those who eventually face these decisions. No matter how noble the ideal of making relationship work sounds, reality is far more messy to wade through. I value the ideal of commitment in marriage and fear far too many people jump ship and sacrifice their potential for happiness. I also understand there are real complexities involved in determining how to, and even whether to, live life in a committed relationship. Easy answers are not available for that reality.
