Your Armor

I have my walls... I cannot let them see me or know me, but at the same time, I want them to. But I can't.

I bare myself fully on the internet, assuming I don't know anyone who would plausibly read it. There is no harm in that. My walls are gone. There is no armor. There is no need. If, however, I were to say what I feel or think in real life, it would be endless judging, and I'm quite positive people would try to "help" me. I'm sure it would never be quite so bad as I imagine it, but I can't.

Mostly, I'm just deeply conflicted. But I do enjoy not having to worry when writing anonymously. It doesn't matter if anyone reads or if they care.

They only see one side of me... I fear they would not be understanding, or accepting, of anything else.

I also fear that my previous fear is well-founded.
 
i don't identify with most of what has been written by other contributors to this thread but i find it difficult to articulate all the reasons why. i have been armored in this way in the past but i am coming to view it as pointless. i think i am fairly reserved and have better boundaries and respect for others than before but that i am not exactly armored anymore. partly i am less ashamed of myself than ever and live more than ever as closer to my ideal self and have come more to terms with the parts of myself that do not match my ideal so that i am comfortable being very open about the various components of who it is that i think i am. partly i have been hurt so many times that i have figured out how to deal with and process the different kinds of hurt. partly i think that all relationships are masks and appearances to an extent so i don't worry too much. partly i think that i can't control getting hurt and the expectation that i will never be hurt or that i will be able to protect myself from harm will do damage to me more than the actual hurt - if i expect it as inevitable, and am prepared to accept it and adapt to it, it will hurt less, i will get over it faster. partly i've adapted to the shock of being hurt as a learning experience by which i can profit and grow and can be a constructive process for me and the other party involved, rather than a destructive process.

can't think of anything else right now...
 
Most don't get what I'm saying....and if they do that's just one piece of a vast puzzle. Who needs armor when you are impenetrable to begin with?
 
There are so few people who know im not the "wicked Frost Witch" and "stuck up" person i am often percieved as. Other than maybe 2-3 people in my life, no one is even aware that im highly sensitive and attuned to peoples moods, motives as well as and at the same time as to my own - this however will never show on the outside..and i would only ever really speak about this with one person in my life, because i want him to know. Peope who ive lead or been responsible for know me as somewhat cold and calculating, but its just my intuition and me predicting the outcome and calculating all the ways for success as well as disaster, struggling with my heart (which extremely few people know about) and my brain which very rarely find themselves on the same wavelength. I am very attuned to who ill let in to my "team" - i find it quite easy to disclude people within relatively short time frames based on intuition and being able to read them, this too makes people think of me as cold and that i shuld gift people with "chances" more often.
What gets to me is that i am really a very warm person - my heart falls headlessly and it loves and loves (allthough extremely rarely) .. shuld anyone ever penetrate that armor.
Only one person knows of this, we have feelings for eachother sure, but hes relatively safe in that he is a 5/6 and he is still attached to his ex - which gives me some room, not having to constantly deny my feeligs since they wont get hurt because i could never "go there" with him.
Sounds far more like a bad situation than it feels like, its "safe" which is what i need at the moment. *sigh* :m169:
Ive loved 2 people the past decade, just go-diddly-figure the impossible has happened and he would somehow get past all the armor and "get to me" probably because hes also INFJ(or INFP) which is very disconcerting to say the least.. for me reading him is not so easy (GO FIGURE) maybe its the mind blockage because im intimidated by my hearts desire for him (and my brain being horrified at the thought) or his intentions are just a mystery most of the time(or maybe its my insecurity, i dont want to hear what my brain is telling me.)
 
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