Your private vs. public vs. social selves?

[DoveAlexa]

The social problems come only when I feel like those I could be telling personal things about myself to won't keep it to themselves and will twist everything I say into things that make me look bad or unseemly. Since that's MOST people...

 

[Inquisitive]

Okay this will sound reallllyyyy mean but I don't mean it in an ugly way. In a social setting, I will act like I care. I don't normally remember names nor do I really like/dislike others--it is more like "disregard" "not important". I think this is my very strong INTJness coming thru.

I can be social. I can be very entertaining. I can be funny and witty and charming.

In private I am also those same things, but I really care. The people that I allow close touch my spirit. They affect me in profound ways, they make my life better and I cherish them.

Why the difference? You have to understand that your spirit has value, that you have value and you should be careful with whom you share it with. It isn't really fake. Socially I am successful and I make an effort to make other's feel welcome and laugh. Laughter and Love are never fake. However, in reality, these people are only sooooo close to my real spirit.

This doesn't sound mean to me at all, and I can very much relate to it.

 

[oddgirlout]

So, I'm taking a leap here since I am relatively new to the forum...so please be gentle.

I seem to have an opposite take on this issue. I am very sociable and can chat up just about anyone. What I do catch myself doing is changing the way I communicate depending on my audiance. I adapt to the surrondings using my intution as to what communication style will be most effective. I hate, hate, hate that I do this because I feel I am being untrue to who I really am. So my social self/public self appears to be completely normal but inside the entire time I'm annoyed and wonder why I can't find someone who just understands me..period...no modifications.

My private self is a lot more negative and disgusted of the apathy of my peers (present company excluded). I keep telling myself there has to be more out there. Then I spend forever telling myself that my expectations are entirely unattainable and I should be thankful for what I have. I, apparently, have a lot of inner conflict and disdain.

 

[bamf]

In my public life I'm pretty outgoing and "chatty." I'm used to preforming and being literally in the spotlight. I have no problem speaking in front of groups, which I find kind of weird. My body gets extremely nervous when I have to talk in front of people; my heart starts racing, I get shaky, I start sweating, but I'm mentally focused and not really nervous at all. I'm better at doing things on the fly though, if I prepare I start messing up a lot. One on one I'm pretty good at keeping the conversation going, and I like to make small jokes whenever I get a chance.

Socially I'm somewhat outgoing as well. If I'm with my friends I'm pretty ESXX, and like to be part of the group.

Privately though I'm all over the place. My mind is always racing, and I hardly have my stuff together "up there." I think the few people that I let in and really start to get to know me are generally surprised how different I am in my private life. I think it really puts people off because they think I'm deceiving everyone in my public and social life. I'm pretty sure though my extroverted self is a defense mechanism for my inner introvert. I learned the hard way when I was young with a largely extroverted extended family that if you're quiet people will assume something is wrong, and won't stop talking to you. If you actively seek conversation with them you can direct the conversation to comfortable topics.

 

[freybell]

So, I'm taking a leap here since I am relatively new to the forum...so please be gentle.

I seem to have an opposite take on this issue. I am very sociable and can chat up just about anyone. What I do catch myself doing is changing the way I communicate depending on my audiance. I adapt to the surrondings using my intution as to what communication style will be most effective. I hate, hate, hate that I do this because I feel I am being untrue to who I really am. So my social self/public self appears to be completely normal but inside the entire time I'm annoyed and wonder why I can't find someone who just understands me..period...no modifications.

My private self is a lot more negative and disgusted of the apathy of my peers (present company excluded). I keep telling myself there has to be more out there. Then I spend forever telling myself that my expectations are entirely unattainable and I should be thankful for what I have. I, apparently, have a lot of inner conflict and disdain.

I do this too. Sometimes if I'm talking to a person who has an accent, I'll even talk with a little bit of that accent because I guess subconsciously I think they'll understand me better.

And I also feel like I'm never really "myself" when I interact with people. Even when I'm interacting with people I'm closest to. When I'm with my older brother I'm 100% comfortable, but I wouldn't say "that's who I am" if someone were to film us interacting and then play it back to me... so maybe who I am (and who you are too, it seems, oddgirlout) is a social chameleon with good intentions. Who tries too hard, but honestly doesn't mean to.

I also trip myself up when I think about what the person I'm talking to is probably thinking. I find if I can just focus on a single train of thought I can be quite witty and fun. But if I'm in think-mode, forget it. I sound like I can't talk.. and I use the wrong words for things, like "give me a piece" instead of "give me a break".

I sometimes wish I could impress other people with what goes on in my own brain when I'm alone... it'd be a great parlor trick if I could.

 

[Lerxst]

Dexter sums me up pretty well. Remove the extremes (Ya know, like murdering people), and this is what I feel like at times.

I always feel like I'm putting on a facade when I'm in public, so that people see me as friendly and nice. It's not that I don't care about them, I just have little use for social norms. Shaking hands, for me, is an action that takes conscious effort for instance. Every social interaction I have takes this same level of effort for me.

When I'm alone, I'm afraid I'm rather quiet boring to an onlooker. That friendly, almost outgoing person they met during the day becomes a withdrawn recluse at night.

 

[Prometheus]

Private, public, social. Hm.

It's weird because it can often run together. In private, I let my true intellect out. Most of my friends can match me blow for blow and I like that, so I run with it. I don't get that in most other places. I joke, I chat, I argue, and, as of a couple years ago, I might even smile a little.

Publically, I can switch between the near-INTJ stoic, the INFP-like blissful happiness, or a general expression of mischief, and the situation rarely lines up. I am often walking two different paths and the one in my head determines my expression. This confuses people. It's difficult to talk to me when I'm off in my head because it takes me a few seconds to get back to the real world; I might be aware, but I won't speak coherently and my thoughts will run off.

Socially, it's in flux. I was told I "have multiple personalities" last week because I can range from the quiet, thoughtful "sage-like" state that my friends call "super-teacher," to the childishly curious stargazing experimenter, to the ENFP-like "EVERYTHING IS LOVE" energetic form. The latter is very much a defense mechanism that has developed to compensate for the relative social ineptitude created by my stoic mentor and scatter-brained "How does that work?!" state (they are one in the same -- I'm excitable).

Weird thing is, I've never had trouble communicating. I gave a speech in front of my entire school when I was in 5th grade and it didn't phase me at all. As far as I was concerned, they weren't even there. I was in my world. I think I've adapted that to my teaching aura because everyone claims I'm "a natural" in front of the class, then react with surprise when they see me drained after too much social activity.

For those who understand the difference, the two things that shock everyone I come across are that I am an I and that I am an F. My psych professor, himself an INTJ, was speechless for some minutes. Only when they get to know me do they truly understand that I am.

 

[SamE]

What's the diff between your private vs. public vs. social selves?

Put me behind a windscreen and the frog starts dancing, remove the windscreen the the frog stops dancing. Pretty much.

Interpersonally I struggle to connect well with people which is why I've gone from social jobs to less social jobs because they stress me out too much. And hence my customer service skills total fail. Intrapersonally however, which is different to being interpersonal I can be interesting to say the least, when I am fired up on all cylinders that is. Am pretty impersonal with my social friends and reserved in public too. For that matter I'm more than a bit reserved online and in private I see my patterns. When friends invite me to communicate with them, rarely happens, I tend to be very good at talking about a few select conversations and oblivious to others which is a sign of the loop and when I see it I stop or focus my energies on other things that relax me.

 

[Poetic Justice]

it's funny, the key difference between extroverts and introverts is that introverts are observing themselves while they speak/act. This is never going to work. What's the worst that could happen if people think you sound like a retard? It's not like you're going to learn any other way than to go through what they have already been through.

I think self consciousness may be the key. I am very self consciousness, and fairly self aware, so it's not in my emotional/personality vocab to not think about how i'm being perceived. Not that i think this is good, but it's not something which can be brushed off so easily, and it's not as simple as saying, "whatever, doesn't matter what people think."

The key isn't to tell yourself it doesn't matter what people think. That saying does more harm than good because it DOES matter what people think. What if everyone you ever met thought you were a complete douche. Would that affect your life? of course it would.

It matters.

Instead of telling yourself this. focus on the other person. instead of listening to your internal dialogue or feeling uncomfortable or wishing people would just understand you try focusing on them. watch their faces as they speak. notice how it changes depending on what they are saying. have your focus external.

try this:

Close your eyes and imagine an orange floating slightly above and behind your head. really picture it being there. Hold that for a few seconds and then open your eyes. This should open up you peripheral vision. and should switch off your internal dialogue. To help this along hold your tongue so it is lightly touching the roof of your mouth.

if you walk around like this you should notice something incredible. Everything in your field of vision is moving and you can observe it all at the same time. walkign down the street is strange like this because all the building seem to jump up and down with each step. For us introverted types this may be the first time you have seen the world like this and it can be a liberating experience.

This is normal for most people. this is how they experience their worlds.

Once you know what it feels like you don't need the orange anymore. You should be able to jsut switch. get over the novelty of this then start using it when speaking to people. both you and they will notice the difference. You don't have to choose your words or worry about what to say. go into the conversation with an outcome in mind (getting to know the person, making them feel good etc) and your subconscious will automatically choose your words for you.

for truly good communicators this is essential. until you get out of your head you're screwed. You get out of your head by focusing on your surroundings. This will seem strange to begin with but you will get used to it. I promise

 

[KazeCraven]

I find it difficult to answer this question because a lot of how I am depends on context.

 

[Poetic Justice]

What's the diff between your private vs. public vs. social selves?

I keep most of my interest to myself because I don't have any friends who share them. In fact if they knew the real me they would probably be a littel freaked out. They already are at the little bits I've shared.

I think I could well be an opressed extrovert who has been forced into introversion because of my unusual interests.

None of my friends like fantasy, sci fi, psychology, physics, philosophy etc. they don't like talking about morals or different types of people or figurign out how things work. They just don't care. I quoted Einstein the other day and got told to shut the f*** up. Not in a nasty way. In a half joking way that never the less communicated that they did indeed want me to shut the f*** up.

Sigh

I can't share any of the things that makes me who I am. In fact I have never been able to. Damn it. I just need some proper friends then maybe I could get out of this bloody anxiety ridden existence.

I am learning to fit in. I've nearly cracked it but I would prefer to have people who accept me for who I am. I have nobody who does

 

[~jet]

None of my friends like fantasy, sci fi, psychology, physics, philosophy etc. they don't like talking about morals or different types of people or figurign out how things work. They just don't care. I quoted Einstein the other day and got told to shut the f*** up. Not in a nasty way. In a half joking way that never the less communicated that they did indeed want me to shut the f*** up.

Woe upon humanity, if this is the norm. Can I get off this rock, now?

As for me;

• My private self is known to hum and sing to itself, especially in the car, but otherwise is rather quiet. It only ever freaks out about missing keys and wallets, but otherwise is calm and easy going. It's a tad disorganized, a tad lazy, but otherwise keeps a mostly-clean house and gets a fair bit of personal project work done.
• My public self is invisible mostly. It walks up and down the street with deliberate speed, makes no attempt to engage anyone in pointless conversation, and has little to offer in return when, out of turn, it is spoken to. Otherwise, it also goes out of its way to be convenient to those around it.
• My social side is a rare thing. It does not come out to play except for the chosen few. At work, there are a small handful of guys with whom it'll hold conversation or debate, but much of the rest of the office is kept at a distance. With a significant other or especially close friend, however, my social side comes alive... approximating that of a human being.

 

[Nixie]

I keep most of my interest to myself because I don't have any friends who share them. In fact if they knew the real me they would probably be a littel freaked out. They already are at the little bits I've shared.

I think I could well be an opressed extrovert who has been forced into introversion because of my unusual interests.

None of my friends like fantasy, sci fi, psychology, physics, philosophy etc. they don't like talking about morals or different types of people or figurign out how things work. They just don't care. I quoted Einstein the other day and got told to shut the f*** up. Not in a nasty way. In a half joking way that never the less communicated that they did indeed want me to shut the f*** up.

Sigh

I can't share any of the things that makes me who I am. In fact I have never been able to. Damn it. I just need some proper friends then maybe I could get out of this bloody anxiety ridden existence.

I am learning to fit in. I've nearly cracked it but I would prefer to have people who accept me for who I am. I have nobody who does

Ah it's okay. My friends called me Webster because of my vocabulary. I can't tell you how many blank looks I have gotten in my life when I reference some esoteric bit of knowledge in a "everyday" conversation. When I am waiting for somebody to do something or whatnot and people ask me what I am doing I generally say "I am waitiing for Godot" and it is like "huh?".