I know but... I just think you're a fascinating and intriguing individual without mood enchaning drugs, and it saddens me a bit to see you going back to such things.
I'm just concerned about the long term health problems it might encourage or... well, the mental side. When I'm on my medication, sometimes, either just after I come down or just before, always late at night, I get this feeling, this terrible, crushing force, as though my chest cavity is inhabited by some heavy demon, grown fat on my insides, and nothing I can do can stop me from crying. I just feel like the only being in the universe, with no-one to reach out to, and rather than enjoying this, it kills me.
I explained it to someone once, and he told me he felt exactly the same some nights, just after he had got high on certain drugs, and that nothing could compare to that lonliness.
I don't want anyone, least of all someone as well developed as you to have to experience that.
Though I realise I can't do a thing a help.