Anybody else had abusive parents?

Sriracha said:
I'd like to know where this fine line is too. Unless we are talking about full on over the top abuse, abuse that would get you removed from your parents by social workers ... it is difficult to see through the eyes of your parents until you ARE a parent.

Parenting is hard work. Kids don't come with a book of instructions. What works for one kid, doesn't work for the next and sometimes it is nearly impossible to figure it out. Just look at MBTI vs. MBTI. Parents can easily become aggravated and frustrated when the intended child refuses to listen/communicate. I have this very issue with my oldest child. When we have plans to do anything, he complains and then he is an absolute pill the entire time. He would be content to sit on his butt all day long and watch t.v. or play video games (which are limited and yes he complains about that.) He complains when I force him outside on his bike or when I say we are going to play a board game (his choice of game.) He complains when it is time to work on his homework. He complains about the meals I prepare. I'm not certain I have ever met someone so negative and to be quite honest IDK where it comes from. I ask him why he doesn't like XYZ, and I store his suggestion for future reference (and then he'll complain in the future.) His father and I are very involved in his life, we give him a lot of space, and trust him b/c he is very responsible. He's allowed to negotiate when he disagrees, but then even complains about the compromise. He and I are in a constant power struggle which he ultimately always loses b/c I'm NOT a doormat parent.

You have no idea how difficult it is to maintain the calmness ... it's much like poking a dog with a stick over and over. So to be honest, I can understand when an adult "loses it." Kids know how to ring those crazy bells in our heads, but the difference is that good parents know when to separate themselves when they feel they have gone into "lost it" mode. I will admit that yes I have gone into "lost it" mode, but those moments are few and far between ... afterward he is always a perfectly compliant kid and will try to do something to put a smile on my face. I think EVERY parent has questioned their own ability to be a good parent many times.

I reflect and think ... what would my son say about his childhood? Is he happy? I've told him so many times that his happiness is important to me. What would he say about me? What life failures would he blame me for?
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This. What counts as "abuse", especially is your personality type is just more sensitive? This would vary between MBTI. Kids are hyper-active and unable to rationalize or think critically/logically, and with all kinds of crazy stimuli out there can be incredibly difficult for a parent to raise. At the same time parents must understand kids will be kids and don't think like adults.

Abuse, however, is when the parents are intentionally harming their kids in a non-diciplinary way (I don't think that came out right, but I hope you understand). Such as:
parent has anger issues, takes anger out on kids or spouse through violence or language. Or, intentionally demoralizing, breaking down of the kids being. Is it abuse if the parents are unaware that their actions are harming their kids development? Not in the literal sense, but negative side effects in one's personality still may result when the child grows up. It's the intent behind the actions that's key.
 
moonlightam said:
By the way you wrote it all - you are a good parent and kids do go through some stages that are difficult even for the best of parents. If you ask your son now - he will probably say that hes not happy, but you shouldnt ask him now at all - ask him when he will start understanding that you are doing all these things for his own good and well-being.

My mum abused me for her own entertainment most of the time, physically as well as verbally, and as hard as it is for me - I cant forgive her even now that im pretty close to 30... havent even spoken to her since she actually attempted to kill me and I ran away, Id probably have a heart attack if I had to even see her from a distance. It wasnt even anything to do with my behavior most of the time, if she didnt like the direction I was wiping the dust towards - I got beat up. If I was scared to light the gas stove for the first time in my life, I think I was about 5 years old at the time, because the matches were short and I was afraid to burn my fingers - i got beat up. I once came back home from playing out all drenched because some kid pushed me and i fell into a big puddle - I was beaten up without anyone even asking what happened. The further - the worse it got, I dont think its a good idea to bring up all those emotions in me again, I started the day in a pretty good mood :) The night when she tried to kill me there was no reason whatsoever, I was sleeping, she burst into my room with an iron mincer, opened my wardrobe and told me to prepare to die. That was the first time when I fought back. I dont know why did she do what she did to me. It was fun for her maybe, I really dont know.
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I am going to jump on the hug train too.
:grouphug:
 
And I forgot to say that I cant help but wonder how would I have turned out without such abuse - would my self-esteem still be non-existent, would I have any confidence, would I still be so clingy to people who show me affection, would I still be obsessive over things and people, etc. Yesterday I took the test to determine this enneagram of mine and read up a bit on the 6w5 - it got me a bit scared, because of what was written about the unhealthy 6w5 - I wont deny that I am unhealthy.... Even sociopathy and possibilities of suicide/murder were mentioned :/ Cant figure if I might really need help or if im alright :)
 
moonlightam said:
And I forgot to say that I cant help but wonder how would I have turned out without such abuse - would my self-esteem still be non-existent, would I have any confidence, would I still be so clingy to people who show me affection, would I still be obsessive over things and people, etc. Yesterday I took the test to determine this enneagram of mine and read up a bit on the 6w5 - it got me a bit scared, because of what was written about the unhealthy 6w5 - I wont deny that I am unhealthy.... Even sociopathy and possibilities of suicide/murder were mentioned :/ Cant figure if I might really need help or if im alright :)
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I got the same thing. Lol if you're worried if you're a sociopath you probably are not one.

You probably wouldn't be so clingy, no and a bit less obsessive possibly. All of those things can be overcome if you want to overcome them. Everyone could use some help~! <3
 
I tend to think that abuse is abuse regardless of intent but that's just my opinion.
 
[MENTION=6117]moonlightam[/MENTION]

:hug:!

From what you wrote, it sounds like your mom had problems of her own that had nothing to do with you but unfortunately rather than get help for them she chose to take them out on you, who didn't deserve her insanity. You are indeed courageous and a survivor. I hope you are aware of the strength you possess.

:hug: And another one for the road! :)
 
CindyLou said:
I tend to think that abuse is abuse regardless of intent but that's just my opinion.
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Yeah I was gonna say the same thing. You can take an iron to your childs body and call it discipline if you want. It's still abuse, I don't care wtf you call it.
 
CindyLou said:
I tend to think that abuse is abuse regardless of intent but that's just my opinion.
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I agree.
I think many families are dysfunctional. Kids don't come with instruction sets. But I think there is also a difference between being abused and neglected, and growing up with internal struggles that even parents can't reach in spite of their good parenting (which it sounds like yours is @Sriracha ). As painful as it may sound, there are some things parents cannot fix. But I believe that being present and striving to respect and value the child while enforcing appropriate boundaries so that they learn the skills they need to learn as they develop and grow, goes a long way.

--

I grew up in an emotionally violent and volatile environment. I was never castigated by my parents, but I was emotionally and matierally neglected by my mother. It was kind of a given that my father was emotionally neglectful toward everyone. I often feel like an orphan with actual living parents. I pretty much raised myself from the age of 12 onwards, except materially although I was neglected in that regard as well. I felt like I took care of my mother's emotions growing up (while she was down, scared, occasionally depressed, possibly vocalizing suicidal thoughts, etc.). I was also astutely aware of something being not right between my parents and their relationship. I remember being ten, twelve, etc. and telling my mom to divorce my father. My father and I also seemed to have a better relationship than my mother and him, in the sense that he would be more apt to listen to me than he was to her or anyone else. My mother and siblings would sometimes say "why don't you tell him, he'll listen to you". That was pretty fucked up, in my opinion. In spite of this seeming positive relationship, he was actually very domineering and opinionated. He had a very rigid personality and was emotionally selfish. When he was stressed, he expected to be able to have angry outbursts and to have his environment tailor to his emotional needs. Everything pretty much revolved around the mood he was in. The nature of his work also caused him to be away for days at a time, so there'd often be a period of calm followed by anger and stress followed by calm, etc. It's reminiscent of the cycles that come with abuse. He was also quite mean to my sister, which I don't recall really hearing much but it was evident in her behaviour, so I grew up with her being depressed, cynical, etc. and it really took a lot of out me. My brother was also controlling. He's six years older than I (I'm the youngest), and it wasn't unusual for him and I to engage in physical fighting probably between from the (my) age of 5 or 6 until I was about 10 or 12. We didn't do it often, but again it wasn't like a huge shock to me when it happened. I feel that for a long time I exhibited the signs of having grown up in a dysfunctional or abusive environment. I'm often weary to call my experiences abuse, but they were fucked up to be sure. I remember always needing to hide my relationship with my parents and the dynamics that took place at home. I knew there was nothing anyone else could do, and that I needed to wait until I grew up so I could get out.

Is that abuse?
 
Yep. I'm still in therapy lololololol
 
CindyLou said:
I got the same thing. Lol if you're worried if you're a sociopath you probably are not one.

You probably wouldn't be so clingy, no and a bit less obsessive possibly. All of those things can be overcome if you want to overcome them. Everyone could use some help~! <3
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I would probably be the first sociopath who is worried too much hehehe :D I just went into a bit of self-analysis yday and noticed that tendency myself, no symptoms yet, but its kind of there. Lately I really tend to give less and less of a flying f*** about what people think or feel about me, towards me and so on, but my INFJness always comes to save the day so far :P and brings me the whole world to worry about :D
 
Vict said:
Define abuse.
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Its up to you what you think is abuse. If you think that you have been abused - then you most probably have been. Believe me or not - if you have read my post about the abuse that ive been through - my mother even managed to convince me that she was not abusing me at all, that it was all her kindness, she was doing me a huge favor by beating me black and blue. Thats why I was never brave enough to seek help.
 
oceanbreeze said:
[MENTION=6117]moonlightam[/MENTION]

:hug:!

From what you wrote, it sounds like your mom had problems of her own that had nothing to do with you but unfortunately rather than get help for them she chose to take them out on you, who didn't deserve her insanity. You are indeed courageous and a survivor. I hope you are aware of the strength you possess.

:hug: And another one for the road! :)
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thanks :)
 
moonlightam said:
I would probably be the first sociopath who is worried too much hehehe :D I just went into a bit of self-analysis yday and noticed that tendency myself, no symptoms yet, but its kind of there. Lately I really tend to give less and less of a flying f*** about what people think or feel about me, towards me and so on, but my INFJness always comes to save the day so far :P and brings me the whole world to worry about :D
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You could be in a stressful time in your life, too.

I retook the test a year later and didn't get a 6 result at all. I got a 4w5. Lol. So who knows. Maybe you are, I don't know *wink* :)
 
CindyLou said:
You could be in a stressful time in your life, too.

I retook the test a year later and didn't get a 6 result at all. I got a 4w5. Lol. So who knows. Maybe you are, I don't know *wink* :)
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I think I'm yet to discover what does a non-stressful life look like :D
 
Never physical abuse but mental and psychological, yup. It has been a process but eventually I just came to accept that my parent’s lashing out is as a result of their own insecurities and unresolved issues. They both where abused as children and for whatever reason, how they coped with it was by abusing their children.
 
Yes, but I've cut that cord, and the scars on my legs and hands have faded.
 
jimtaylor said:
They both where abused as children and for whatever reason, how they coped with it was by abusing their children.
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I suppose this sums up my experience. My mom's fine, but my grandfather was a drunk who beat my pop and tied him to trees. My pop behaved the same way for the first ten years or so of my life. I recall telling him that we were frightened of him as children and it took him by surprise.

In any case, both my grandfather and pop accepted that they were shitty parents for a while. My grandfather often cried when he talked about his behavior in the past and my pop's softened up in the same way. He can't talk about it without getting apologetic and teary-eyed.
 
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