Are Platonic Relationships a Myth?

Platonic, sounds like another word for rejection.
 
Moya Anomalous said:
To people who's [F]eelings run there life, yes, functional platonic relationships are extremely rare...

:m173:
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To say that F types have their lives run by feelings is like saying T types have no emotions.

Just saying.

Oh and for future reference, if you're talking about possession then it's "whose" rather than "who's" which is short for "who is".
 
I think platonic friendships can be really cool and interesting. Personally, I have to watch out for signs whether a friendship is beyond platonic; i.e., sexual situations are being requested in some way. But I see nothing wrong with hugs and affection, male or female, as long as there is mutual closeness or trust.

There are girls that I don't hug (or show other signs of a friendship). Some of them, because I know (by intuition/observation) that they would get the wrong idea, and that would be completely against my need for honesty and reality. There are girls that I really like as a person (e.g., they are inspiring/impressive, etc) that I don't have a "relationship" with, not because I don't like them, but because I haven't really gotten to know them yet.

I know a girl that I hugged even the first time we met. She was the one who hugged me, because I kinda treated her like a lady when I helped her get down from a truck. I think she might have an older brother, so she probably was treating me like I was him. (And yes - for all you ISTJs/INTJs - I know that I should have said, "like I was he").
 
AlienSpectator said:
...Well my question, "Is it possible for heterosexual men and women to have purely platonic relationships?" I say that they can but, I would love to hear your opinions.
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Yes, I think it's possible. Especially if you're only talking about the lack of sexuality. I think many people have the self-restraint to maintain a friendship that doesn't turn sexual.

If we're describing a situation where there is a lack of interest in the kind of deep intimacy (not necessarily sexual) that is associated with romantic relationships, then I think that's far more rare.

I think a desire for human intimacy is natural and as one grows intimate there is a natural pull for more intimacy. For certain frameworks of relationship, we as humans have a script that at some point that need for intimacy is best fulfilled through sexuality. Even if the desire for sexuality is not acted on, I believe it is very common for that temptation and pull to exist in relationship where that might be the natural progression of intimacy.

When there are other primary relationships in play, I think that desire for deeper intimacy with another person can be damaging to the primary relationship--even if there is no acted out sexuality.

I do think that platonic relationships are possible. I think though that it's probably pretty common for there to be relationships that are technically platonic, but at least one of the parties in the relationship desires greater intimacy than could be contained in a platonic relationship.

The thing I think is dangerous is that the latter situation is very difficult to identify. There's no overt action to judge the internal experience by. Even if one person is not attracted, there's no way to know what the other person is experiencing and holding back from their expression.
 
My intention was not to offend anyone when I limited the question to heterosexuals. Platonic relationships between people of the same sex is usually assumed by society unless presented with countering evidence. Heterosexuals however who claim to have platonic relationships are viewed with suspicion.

It seems most people who have responded to the question agree with me that platonic relationships are possible. However, in my RL experience, society resists the idea. I've had very few close female friends but I've had several close male friends and I've lost every single one because people can't accept that our friendships were genuinely platonic. The friendships are always attacked with vicious gossip. That's fine I can handle that. Eventually, my male friends become seriously involved with a woman. The woman always says that she is okay with our friendship. I deliberately conduct these friendships openly to avoid rumours but they are always there. Eventually, they marry and the edict is delivered by the wife - the friendship must end. Now, I fully expect the friendship will change but, end? Really? I cannot see the logic behind it? Not to mention the cruelty? I can't imagine demanding that someone should discard a friend? I miss my friends so much. Migration has taken the rest. Life is so hard and I feel so utterly alone.
 
AlienSpectator said:
My intention was not to offend anyone when I limited the question to heterosexuals. Platonic relationships between people of the same sex is usually assumed by society unless presented with countering evidence. Heterosexuals however who claim to have platonic relationships are viewed with suspicion.
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I wasn't offended. I was more thinking aloud, or in this case thinking in text.
 
On-topic answer by me this time. Yes, of course platonic relationships exist, though sometimes maybe a bit hard to properly achieve.

I actually find it harder to maintain when the other person fancies me, rather than vice versa. Anyone else?
 
AlienSpectator said:
My intention was not to offend anyone when I limited the question to heterosexuals. Platonic relationships between people of the same sex is usually assumed by society unless presented with countering evidence. Heterosexuals however who claim to have platonic relationships are viewed with suspicion.

It seems most people who have responded to the question agree with me that platonic relationships are possible. However, in my RL experience, society resists the idea. I've had very few close female friends but I've had several close male friends and I've lost every single one because people can't accept that our friendships were genuinely platonic. The friendships are always attacked with vicious gossip. That's fine I can handle that. Eventually, my male friends become seriously involved with a woman. The woman always says that she is okay with our friendship. I deliberately conduct these friendships openly to avoid rumours but they are always there. Eventually, they marry and the edict is delivered by the wife - the friendship must end. Now, I fully expect the friendship will change but, end? Really? I cannot see the logic behind it? Not to mention the cruelty? I can't imagine demanding that someone should discard a friend? I miss my friends so much. Migration has taken the rest. Life is so hard and I feel so utterly alone.
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Sigh. It is really such a hard situation, you are right.

The thing to keep in mind is that the wives of your male friends cannot single-handedly end your friendships. The men have to be agreeing to their conditions. Why are they agreeing? Presumably because they desire to maintain the intimacy of their primary relationship.

I don't know if this is about logic.

I value your choice to keep the relationships open, but I'm also not quite sure what that means. Does that mean that everything that is shared between you and your friend is also shared with the spouse? Or does it just mean that you're not hiding the fact that you have a friendship with this person?

I believe that intimacies shared outside of and separate from a marriage relationship weaken the marriage relationship, or at minimum create that risk. That is not everyone's experience, certainly, but I do think that everyone has the right to set the boundaries they are comfortable with in relationship.

I think the issues for many comes because a marital relationship is generally seen as the most intimate of relationships. Relationships do not survive without tending. In order to tend to the intimacy of that primary relationship it is important to make sure that the nutrients that primary relationship needs to survive are not taken up by other things growing nearby. Your relationship with your male friends may take up resources that weaken the primary relationship. Again, keep in mind that these men chose women for whom this would be an issue and they then agreed to the requests made by these women. This is something a couple has decided to do together in order to protect their relationship.

I understand that you don't see yourself as a threat to their relationships, and quite possibly you are not, but many women would be. A decision was made within these relationships to honor to the best of their ability the nurturing and protection of that primary relationship even if only by minimizing the risk.

I don't know what advice I can offer you regarding the situation you find yourself in, but I can say that I do understand and respect the decisions your friends have made. If I had a friendship with a man who decided to end it because he wanted to protect and nurture his primary marital intimacies, I personally would value his choice even if I felt sad at the loss of the friendship.
 
Why would you want a platonic relationship?
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+1

only one person in that relationship is sexually interested, or both are with someone else. existence possible, low sustainability.
 
I have lots of platonic relationships but it may be more a result of age. Not that "desires" aren't there, it's just that over time circumstances and "life in general" conspire to add multiple layers of other factors within our relationships that tend to matter as much, or more, as anything else. In the end, I think one finds that platonic relationships have a richness all their own and are as treasured as any relationship one might experience in this world. That's probably why I have so many relationships like this...I truly do enjoy them so much.
 
Don't misunderstand me, I respect their choice. I put up absolutely no resistance. I recognize the supremacy of marriage. Yes, all my close male friends have been prepared to resist but it is not worth it to create strife. The intimacy is no greater than between two friends of the same gender. We are "bredren" and "sistren". Conducting the friendship in the open simply means that it isn't hidden from public view, the girlfriend/wife is included and there are no secrets. However, the women either pretend to be okay or after marriage start a campaign to deliberately undermine the friendship. From my point of view, there seems to be a deep-seated distrust between women and there does not seem to be anyway to overcome it.

It took a while but I've learned my lesson. I will not ever be in that situation again.

It makes me angry though. It hurts terribly to be out of your friends' lives, to be excluded from their joys (birth of children) and sorrows (death of parents). It hurts to have your own troubles and be unable to share them with the people you care about. Last year, was very difficult for me. There was a lot of serious illness in my family (including death and it isn't quite over). I faced it all alone and in secret and I am angry.
 
Its possible and a lot easier when you're already in a relationship with somebody
 
Absolutely I think that they can. I have several.

I actually prefer my male friends to a lot of the women I could have friendships with. I've hung around women before, and these particular women have been shallow and totally obsessed with beauty.

Not all women are like that, I know, but give me a guy who wants to talk about politics over a woman who wants to talk about tv or make up any day.

My best friend is a guy, and he even noted at one point that for us to be in a relationship would be one of the biggest disasters this century, because our beliefs on relationships are quite different and we've never felt anything beyond friendship for one another in any case.


I have no idea why some people instantly think that if you have male friends you must want to be with them, or be having sex with them, or want to have sex with them.
 
bagelriffic said:
+1

only one person in that relationship is sexually interested, or both are with someone else. existence possible, low sustainability.
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Well, in my experience, I've had pretty good luck sustaining my platonic relationships with males. Some guys I have been friends with since high school, so about 15 years...I usually get along just fine with their girlfriends/wives (if they have one) and no one gives it a second thought.
 
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