Attention INFJ Males : [borrowed]

Yield said:
I think the problem with finding women isn't that I can't approach them or anything, it's just extremely rare to find a someone I like. It's extremely rare to find a girl who likes and understands me. When I do, jesus, my world falls apart. Well, I did find someone like that and practically fell in love with her. It's not particularly healthy I suppose. But that feeling, when you suspect that you've actually found someone who you could be with, it's unbelievably overwhelming.
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goddamn it's so true.

I've been reading this thread and nodding my head to everything.

It's almost as if we are destined to be the loneliest men in the world.

We are such romantics...jeez

Help me, please!
 
1) Where are you likely to be found outside of the Internet?
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Unfortunately not in too many clubs or anything, usually involved in something like fishing or hiking, I love nature. Book stores, at work, grocery store, video store, stuff like that.

2) How does one recognize you in public?
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I don't know if its possible to recognize someone by their profile in public, I mean you can tell who is extroverted and who is introverted rather easily, but after that without talking to someone its hard to say... I look like my picture, i guess thats how you recognize 1 of us.

3) How would one go about attracting you?
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1st, be cute or sexy just be attractive I guess I always pick up on people who are well put together at 1st glance, after that use eye contact or wave if we catch eyes. If I get a rock solid clue like that Im coming over to at least say hi. After that initial icebreaker, please be interesting... I cant stand boring, lifeless people with no meat to thier lives, im not interested in vapid crapola.

Question Added on Request:

4)how do INFJ boys/men go about showing their interest and how do they approach women they are interested in?
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I usually am discrete about it at 1st until I feel that the person is possibly interested in me. I will usually try to make myself be seen out of the corner of your eye, hoping that you will see me, I might smile or catch eyes with you. I am not aggressive and I tend to try and talk about easy to talk about chit chat stuff. I will usually start scanning you for intelligence though and interest so if I say something that requires any kind of depth to know, its usually bait to find out if youre able to understand me or not. So take it...

When things are a little friendlier, I think we tend to make sure you know that we are there for you to talk to and to listen to you, we also like to be supportive and give meaningful compliments, not flattery though. The best way to break through the slowness of an INFJ males approach is to just be direct he will appreciate it a lot.
 
My answers prolly don't count but so I don't feel left out...

1) Where are you likely to be found outside of the Internet?
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Hanging with my friends. The only place you will find me outside of my home is either at work, the coffeehouse, or at school.

2) How does one recognize you in public?
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I'm usually the guy who looks completely lost in thought.

thinker.jpg


3) How would one go about attracting you?
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By being attracted in me. If someone shows genuine interest in me and my ideas then they automatically jump to the top of my attractiveness list. If they themselves demonstrate depth and insight, then I'll even more intrigued. If they can flirt or work a little innuendo into the conversation then they definitely have me enamored. If they are good looking, then the deal is sealed.

4)how do INFJ boys/men go about showing their interest and how do they approach men they are interested in?
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Minor correction. I usually try to strike up a conversation and ask as many questions as possible. I want to know what they believe, why they believe it, how they came to believe it, and how they live their life in accordance to it. Unfortunately, this method isn't all that effective.
 
Even though I think there have been a lot of answers given that I think apply to myself, I'm still going to throw my hat into this.

1) Where are you likely to be found outside of the Internet?
I rarely go to clubs or bars. Honestly, being around a lot of people in that 'scene' makes me feel anxious. Most of my time is spent alone working on music or something I'm interested in. Video games, running, playing basketball. Might find me at the theater catching a matinee by myself. Might see me in a bookstore or music store looking for something that peaks my interest.

2) How does one recognize you in public?
Typically, I'll be the one that is quietly observing his surroundings, trying to figure out every-and-any-thing. In a crowd I'll be the one looking around like a wildman trying to see everything. Hardly in the center of the room, likely off to the side, incognito style.

If I'm in class, I'll be the one quietly acting as if he's studying, but really listening to everyone, judging who's worth my time (and I don't mean this negatively at all!).

I'll be the one that's admiring you when you're not looking, but turn away when you try to meet my curiosity.

I'm usually quiet, but if something comes up I'm passionate about or have an opinion on (which is everything) I can become the center of attention and love every second of it. You'll recognize it when you see it because it will be like a light has been turned on and you can't help but bask and enjoy it.

3) How would one go about attracting you?
The thing that really gets me is subtle signs that you want to be with me. Playfully touching, smiles, eye-contact.... basically anything that gives me a sign it will be ok if I talk to you. I don't know about any of the other guys on here, but my "game" is awful. I see a lot of women, want to talk to them and I know what I have to offer. I should be confident and "no-problem," but I get nervous and don't know what to say. Really, just being interested and showing you want me around goes a long way.

Being nice. I think "nice" has had a stigma attached to it, that it's bad to be nice. Fuck that. I love nice people, especially nice females. Women that are nice to strangers, my mom, me, the next door neighbor, whoever, I love it. But don't get me wrong, no doormats. Show you're nice and care about others but aren't afraid to stand up for what's right and not be taken advantage of.

Show you care about me. Ask me questions. Try to understand my path so you can understand me. I like to help friends and listen to them and show I care, but at the end of the day... I want someone to listen to me. And care about me. And be there for me the way I'm there for everyone else, but never seem to get in return.

4)how do INFJ boys/men go about showing their interest and how do they approach women they are interested in?
How do I show interest...? Well, it's rare. If it's someone I've decided is 'girl-friend' material and I want to get closer to, I usually drop small hints as to judge interest. Takes me a long time to make a move. Though, I've been known to be faded, say "fuck it" and make moves against my normalness.

I like to do random nice stuff. I used to work with this girl I really liked, and as I would leave, I'd leave her little things of candy, just to see her smile. But the sad thing is I never asked her out. Someone on this thread said us INFJ guys must have a helluva time finding a woman. Yes, lol, at least one I want.

If we're talking and the ice is broken, then I will be asking a lot of questions, trying to figure out who you are. I'll probably have an intense look on my face, but I'm just concentrating, trying to feel what it's like to be you, in a sense. I'll want to know personal things and not just enough so I can put a notch in my belt.
 
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1) Where are you likely to be found outside of the Internet?

My room or outside doing outdoorsy stuff like snowboarding or paint balling. If I haven't been to an art gallery or museum I'll go there once but I wouldn't be going on a regular basis.

Basically you actually find me you'd have to know me and/or live close by.

2) How does one recognize you in public?

If by appearance, it would be my mannerism and extroversion to exploration of anything in general, especially ideas, perspectives. I'm often looking up and around buildings to see their structure and how everything is fitting into place.

3) How would one go about attracting you?

Being open minded and passionate is a huge turn on. It usually starts off with me analyzing how they dress, if I see that their style shows individuality and consideration, I'm usually interested to see what their body and mind has to offer.

There has only been a few women with a gaze strong enough for turn me upside down.

4)how do INFJ boys/men go about showing their interest and how do they approach women they are interested in?

When I see a women of interest I consult my intuition. Most of the time it tells me to leave it alone and see if fate gives us further run-ins. On many occasions it does and we usually becomes great friends. Some perhaps want more than friendship, however my intuition usually tells me they would make better friends than lovers and thus I listen... usually.

It's usually pretty obvious when I find someone romantically appealing. I write them beautiful poems about love and eternity and of strength and bonds. The amount of truth and courage usually wins me a piece of their heart rather quickly.
 
1) Where are you likely to be found outside of the Internet?

Unfortunately, I'm akin to the loners' manifesto along with an obscene amount of social anxiety and rarely go out, but if I do it's usually a natural landscape near trees and grassy areas. Once upon a time I went to bookstores quite a bit, but grew weary and worn after ironically facing the pretense of the pseudo-intellectual and general boredom. A new 'hangout' is in the making though.

2) How does one recognize you in public?


I'm the one in the corner or nearest to the extremities of any enclosed area (e.g. the exit, bathroom...) usually in a very pretentious, rigid mess of a seated position (but dressed very well mind you... I am no stranger to vanity) with a solemn, slightly ominous, expression- sure enough to repel most intrusions to my personal space.

3) How would one go about attracting you?


In general, immediately my attention is drawn to the one drawing the least amount to themselves. I recall once or twice at a cafe, looking straight through a few tables of boisterous, obnoxious (albeit good looking) women, to the rear where a quiet, unassuming young lady was sipping her tea. That'd be someone I'd most likely be interested in.

Though there really is no set in stone formula of really 'attracting' me, there are general qualities that are a given... such as a modest disposition, kind unassuming eyes, being dressed well, and generally proportionate in various length to width ratios. As well as an elusive or mysterious quality that I'm able to sense and provokes my interest.

So if you were to sit down within close proximity of myself (this is where the anal retentive in me comes in) I'll be gauging you from head to toe even though I'm usually not inclined to details... posture, set path of your gaze, angles and positioning of the limbs, quirks or mannerisms, etc etc. As creepy as it MAY sound, this occurs unconsciously and simultaneously and is rarely noticed.

*sigh* and this is all without even having said a word yet... I'll leave the schema of a longterm attraction for another day. In the end I still haven't completely decided on exactly what I want, being 21 and more inexperienced than I'm sure- most of you. I am trying to remain open-minded to most possibilities and the plethora of individuals available.

4)how do INFJ boys/men go about showing their interest and how do they approach women they are interested in?


I've never approached a woman. I'm definitely one of those boys that plays hard-to-get and enjoys being pursued until a certain point where I feel comfortable doing a bit of my own. Which apparently has resulted in my many, many lonely nights out, but alas... this is how I am.

In truth I show no initial interest, which is a problem in itself as I loathe getting my hopes up or letting too much known too quickly. My interest seeps in through time and after a framework of a friendship is first laid out. I adhere strongly to a friends-first ideal

My hopes of any inception of a relationship in a more interpersonal setting, will come by chance (or from my more romantic side, Fate), not effort. Or the most likely alternative, through the internet, as I am not nearly as receptive or talkative in an initial face-to-face chat.
 
1) Where are you likely to be found outside of the Internet?

At work in a library/ out walking somewhere/ at home/ sometimes at a rock concert. From time to time I will go out of my way to meet new people, but it's a rare occasion.

2) How does one recognize you in public?

I used to dress outrageously when younger, but now I try to blend in. Charity fundraisers/ beggars/people needing directions seem to find me quite easily though.

3) How would one go about attracting you?

I like honesty, smiling eyes and gentleness. I'm also intrigued by the unusual, but curiosity isn't the same as attraction, and however you may appeal to me I only want to be your friend.


4)how do INFJ boys/men go about showing their interest and how do they approach women they are interested in?

I've left this behind, but I used to be quite direct when it was someone I was really sure I liked. I learned that from the Spice Girls in 1997. If I wasn't that bothered, I'd let them do all the chasing, but usually they'd win me over, because I loved to be flattered.
 
Yield said:
I think the problem with finding women isn't that I can't approach them or anything, it's just extremely rare to find a someone I like. It's extremely rare to find a girl who likes and understands me. When I do, jesus, my world falls apart. Well, I did find someone like that and practically fell in love with her. It's not particularly healthy I suppose. But that feeling, when you suspect that you've actually found someone who you could be with, it's unbelievably overwhelming.
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I've had this happen 3 times in the last 2 years. I know exactly what you mean! So very true!

Hey, Yield, wanna be my spokesman? You keep hitting the nail on the head for me! :D
 
1) Where are you likely to be found outside of the Internet?
My job or probably hanging out with a small group of friends or religious community

2) How does one recognize you in public?
I'll probably be the one at the corner away from the spotlight or can be seen chatting with a small group of people in the party. or else dreaming looking up in the sky thinking how beautiful the day is.

3) How would one go about attracting you?
Someone who understands me and what I am for the most part of it being an INFJ :m105:

4)how do INFJ boys/men go about showing their interest and how do they approach women they are interested in?

I will only express my 'true' interest after I have know her for awhile and i feel that i can open up my heart for me to trust her. I will spend longer than normal to talk and to get to know her better slowly opening up. Basically patience.
 
  1. Where are you likely to be found outside of the Internet?
I'm a live music addict, so I'm frequently at a concert. I'll be the guy standing in the corner who is there because he likes the band (and isn't necessarily there to socialize).
How does one recognize you in public?

I generally go into a bar, find my space and stay there. If I'm at a show, I grab a spot and hang. If it's a bar, I'm probably reading a book or a newspaper and sipping a beer in the corner, trying to not be in anybody's way. And whether it's obvious or not, I'm generally checking out and observing everyone else in the room, watching body language, conversations, and reading people's personalities.

How would one go about attracting you?

Well, first off, are you sure that you want too ;-).

I'm not going to approach you, you'll have to approach me. I enjoy meaningful one on one conversation. I like to be challenged. I like to use my brain and creativity- a lot.
how do INFJ boys/men go about showing their interest and how do they approach women they are interested in?

We don't. INFJ's are very much "all or nothing". In a few instances, I've met a girl and fallen immediately for them (they generally are ENFJ or INFJ). It's very much intuitive and in the gut for an INFJ. If we feel it, we feel it and it must be true. Sometimes, we are wrong (go figure) and find ourselves in situations with a girl who we never should have dated in the first place. This is particularly hard on an INFJ, because we question "why our intuition led us astray".

I tend to go years without a girlfriend, but when I do acquire one, and stay with her for years. INFJ's are highly loyal people- once you are in, you are in. We are also very intense people. At times, people tend to be "in" quicker than they would expect (see paragraph above), so as an INFJ we need to have the emotional intelligence to tone it down once in a while.

On the flip side, I've waited up to 4 years to kiss a girl. I've been hopelessly in love with girls and never said a word to them about it. I generally care about someone because I care about them. I realize that there are lots of factors that make one decide to enter in a relationship or not, and that I might not be the be all end all for any girl. When I was young and dumb I thought any woman would be lucky to have me as her catch. Now that I'm older, I realize that when it happens it happens.

I have a ton of close female friends. In lots of cases, it's women who are already in relationships who I enjoy talking too in a no pressure situation. I have learned that dating friends is the way to go, in general.

The person who posted the question initially didn't say why it was posted, but one can assume that it's because she is interested in an INFJ. My advice to you is: approach your INFJ. Connect with him. If you're in, you'll be in. Just be aware- we get a little intense sometimes. INFJ's are super providers. He'll try to do everything you want him to do, be everything you want him to be, and he'll get super mad at himself every time he don't read your mind, or figure out what your needs are (without you telling him).

Like all relationships, they only work if both people are willing to work at them. If you both go into it with a willingness to learn the other person's mind and heart, it'll work out in the end.
 
analyst said:
In a few instances, I've met a girl and fallen immediately for them (they generally are ENFJ or INFJ). It's very much intuitive and in the gut for an INFJ. If we feel it, we feel it and it must be true. Sometimes, we are wrong (go figure) and find ourselves in situations with a girl who we never should have dated in the first place. This is particularly hard on an INFJ, because we question "why our intuition led us astray".
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Is this a real feeling though? Is it shallow to feel that way? That's what I got asked. She said it was shallow. Or is that Ni is so powerful, no one can really understand how I came to feel this way, but it doesn't mean that it isn't real?
 
Seems there are a lot of different answers even though we're all Infjs... Anyway. I'll join the others.

1) Where are you likely to be found outside of the Internet?

Either in a bar drinking whiskey and smoking, surrounded by people with completely different appearances (from hippies to anarchists and lawyers), or you probably won't find me, because I don't want to be found.

2) How does one recognize you in public?

I'm the guy with a dark presence and a sweet face talking to one of the people with an extremely low voice. There is nothing uncommon about my physical characteristics.

3) How would one go about attracting you?

If I'm attracted to someone, they'll know it first hand. I have no standards on what attracts me. If not, then they'll just have to look for somebody else. I simply can't be seduced in any way. Any attempts to impress me will fail miserably too.

4)how do INFJ boys/men go about showing their interest and how do they approach women they are interested in?

Head on. I'll take you to the side and tell you the truth, whatever that may be. If you can resist me, well done. You have strength of character.
 
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Yield said:
Is this a real feeling though? Is it shallow to feel that way? That's what I got asked. She said it was shallow. Or is that Ni is so powerful, no one can really understand how I came to feel this way, but it doesn't mean that it isn't real?
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I guess I'm not sure if you're asking me if the first part (feeling it's right and it is) or the second part (feeling it's right and you were wrong) is real. Chemistry plays a role too, and I'd caution you to be conscious of being attracted to someone versus making an actual connection with them. In my personal experiences, being wrong about it and not seeing the true purpose doesn't happen for weeks, sometimes months or years. I think it's a part of letting things go.

But I can honestly say that every girl I've had a real connection with, I've had a real connection with. That might have meant (in hindsight) that I had an effective relationship with them for a few years, or that our time together led us through a period of my life (or vice versa) in which we need each other. Generally "something" happens to one of us over this time frame too: a major life decision, and event, or any other thing that makes you say "I guess that needed to happen".

I think that there is real power in letting things go, even though it's difficult at first. It'll always work out the way it's supposed to in the end...
 
1) Where are you likely to be found outside of the Internet?
Hanging with friends, playing/listening to music, reading or writing or creating at home, lounging outside in a nice relaxed atmosphere, camping, watching tv/movies, videogames, hanging with close friends at my place or my friends place or the mall or maybe somewhere doing something fun/adventurous, visiting family, wandering a bookstore, at home alone doing anything that is thought provoking or silly or fun or relaxing, taking a random drive along a dirt road..

2) How does one recognize you in public?
I'm the guy that, talks/jokes on occasion, can appear deep in thought, can be shy, can be outgoing, does/says stupid things to make you laugh (only close friends), is a good listener, likes to have alone time, may ask personal questions every once and a while to discover who you are, is creative, doesn't talk much of my personal life unless asked or with close friends..

3) How would one go about attracting you?
To be honest, you have to be at least somewhat attractive, weight isn't a red card though.., it's great if you open up and tell me things about you, if you ask me about myself that's cool, shy girls can be hot, smart girls are hot, it's good if you smell good but are not overpowering, flirting is nice, if you're a positive and nice person that's half the battle.., have opinions on things, confident girls can be quite hot, controlling girls aren't, if you have a bit of style in the way you dress that may help, if you like doing things I like doing that helps, eyes are important, if you look me in the eyes alot I might realize you're interested quicker, sexy eyes are irresistable, if you're a good listener and also talk alot that's a bonus, be easy to talk to, be honest, be up for anything when I'm in the mood to do something spontaneous,..etc..

4) How do INFJ boys/men go about showing their interest and how do they approach women they are interested in?
If we approach you..we probably know each other somewhat, I'll start asking you more personal questions about your values, interests, dreams so I can learn more about you, I'll try to get one on one time with you so I can be more open with you, if I'm interested in you I'll start looking at you more when we're together, I'll remember things about you, I may get quiet around you (just thinking), if I know you're interested I may appear cool and collected around you, I may wait for you to make the first move, though I also may flirt obviously, I'll try to make you laugh/have fun/talk..I'll be looking to see if we have the same interests, ideas, etc, and if you're worth my emotional time..if I think you are, then I'll ask you out...

I agree that a girl asking a guy out is totally fine. It's very flattering.

Whoa, typing frenzy..
 
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analyst said:
I guess I'm not sure if you're asking me if the first part (feeling it's right and it is) or the second part (feeling it's right and you were wrong) is real. Chemistry plays a role too, and I'd caution you to be conscious of being attracted to someone versus making an actual connection with them. In my personal experiences, being wrong about it and not seeing the true purpose doesn't happen for weeks, sometimes months or years. I think it's a part of letting things go.

But I can honestly say that every girl I've had a real connection with, I've had a real connection with. That might have meant (in hindsight) that I had an effective relationship with them for a few years, or that our time together led us through a period of my life (or vice versa) in which we need each other. Generally "something" happens to one of us over this time frame too: a major life decision, and event, or any other thing that makes you say "I guess that needed to happen".

I think that there is real power in letting things go, even though it's difficult at first. It'll always work out the way it's supposed to in the end...
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I'm wondering whether or not it's possible to really fall for someone fast like that. Is it possible for this to be a real thing?
 
Yield said:
I'm wondering whether or not it's possible to really fall for someone fast like that. Is it possible for this to be a real thing?
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One of my best friends is a female INFJ. She was engaged to some dude because everyone thought it was right. Only her heart wasn't in it. Shortly before the wedding, she broke it off. She realized she didn't love him. Then she met a guy and they ran off to another province for a while. It sounds really bizzare, but they're happily married now. It truly was love at first sight. And it's for real. :)

possible = yes
 
Milon said:
One of my best friends is a female INFJ. She was engaged to some dude because everyone thought it was right. Only her heart wasn't in it. Shortly before the wedding, she broke it off. She realized she didn't love him. Then she met a guy and they ran off to another province for a while. It sounds really bizzare, but they're happily married now. It truly was love at first sight. And it's for real. :)

possible = yes
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Okay, so how do I convince the other person that's it's not immature infatuation, based on no real experience or information? (Even though I know the information is all there)
 
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