Being polite

Aluni

Aluni

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Is being polite seen as being fake in a social or work interaction? I overhear ridicule when I see people being polite at work (brown nose, fake... etc) I see it as professionalism and good customer service. How do you see it?
 
A necessity. I'm especially polite to clients and colleagues who are horrific to me... I will overkill with kindness if need be.

It usually works. I've had grown men twice my age and size standing over me screaming before. I think of Sansa Stark when she says "A lady's armor is courtesy.". I don't care if it's fake, especially when someone is angry and being pretty threatening.

The alternative is escalation. I prefer to deescalate. If someone is being irate I try to see why they are poorly behaving. Once a lady screamed at me and called me stupid in a meeting. I think she was afraid for her severely disabled sister and did not know how to properly advocate. I tried to empathize and tell her if it was my relative I would feel the same way and then ask what I could do to fix things. By the end of it, she actually apologized and all of her sister's needs were met because I was able to get her to talk about her concerns. You have to stay polite because the alternative is not productive.
 
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I used to scoff at it too, but I realized the benefit. It looks reactive and makes someone appear unable to handle their emotions or responses if they are not polite. So, whether we like or disagree with how someone is reacting or behaving in a situation, seems best to be polite, although it can be really hard sometimes. I don't think polite means you will necessarily have good feelings towards someone, but that you don't let their bad feelings affect you. Makes it easier to see it that way.
 
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Being professional means not taking things personally, or not showing when you do. We can't really be our true selves in most settings. That's just the way society works, we all wear masks in different situations.
 
acd said:
Being professional means not taking things personally, or not showing when you do. We can't really be our true selves in most settings. That's just the way society works, we all wear masks in different situations.
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Agreed. But being polite is not always professional either. For instance at times in my job I am very curt and direct, I don't be nice and polite, it's a waste. I don't have time for that, and It can come back to bite you in some areas. I don't have time for that on the job.

Personal life might be a different story for some
 
rawr said:
Agreed. Being polite is not always professional either. For instance at times in my job I am very Curt and direct, I don't be nice and polite, it's a waste. I don't have time for the, and It can come back to bite you in some areas. I don't have time for that on the job.

Personal life might be a different story for some
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Good point. There are times when it is necessary to be more firm and direct. I find with people who are acting based on emotion (happens a lot on my job so that's where I'm coming from) being polite and trying to empathize deescalates them.
 
rawr said:
Agreed. But being polite is not always professional either. For instance at times in my job I am very curt and direct, I don't be nice and polite, it's a waste. I don't have time for that, and It can come back to bite you in some areas. I don't have time for that on the job.

Personal life might be a different story for some
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In a professional setting, being curt is polite, so long as it is professional. Being too courteous/obsequious implies you don't think the worker is capable of working professionally, without being molly coddled. (Ie. Un-promotable).
 
Aluni said:
What about employee to employee interactions? I think we should treat our peers as if they were a customer as well.
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I basically agree. I don't think there's ever a reason to be rude. That doesn't mean I'm not capable of being rude.. I am. There's just not justification for it. I'm rude when I'm only thinking about myself and not bigger picture things.
 
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Just typed up a mammoth post but then decided to delete it and just keep it simple.

Common Courtesy goes a long way.

We're in work for about 8 hours a day for the foreseeable so we may as well learn something.

Most of us leave the school playground but some of us don't grow out of it.

So long as you don't backstab and badmouth, you can hold your head high.

If the opinions of others ( especially those still in the sandpit mentality ) hold any sway over you, then you'll forever be under their control.

When your job no longer satisfies you, move on.

When people have become so embittered and sour that they can't tell the difference between someone being civil and someone being sleekit. You know it's time to step away and either keep yourself right or gravitate to like minded individuals.
 
I think it is important to be polite and courteous in a professional setting especially if you work with the public. This doen't mean accepting mean spirited behavior from others or abusive behavior. We have fired client's at my work that were abusive to the staff. A professional relationship has to based on mutual respect. I am polite with the people I work with but if someone crosses the line I will have an honest conversation with that person to see if we can resolve the situation. If I find there is no mutual respect, I will not feel obligated to be overly polite to this person. I will try to maintain the peace by keeping my distance. I tend to focus less on being polite and more on being myself.
 
Aluni said:
Is being polite seen as being fake in a social or work interaction? I overhear ridicule when I see people being polite at work (brown nose, fake... etc) I see it as professionalism and good customer service. How do you see it?
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I think it's the foundation of all civilised behavior. I think it's probably never more important than when we disagree with people. It's interesting to me when you find yourself in confrontation or conflict with some, how quickly they give up any effort to be polite and regard that as being "tough".

The reality is of course being polite and behaving well, especially when under stress and strain takes far more effort.

For me Grace is dignity under pressure. I'm always impressed when I see that from people, ahead of the expletive laden tirades I've seen from some over the years.
 
There is a difference between being polite and being a brown noser. Polite means being respectful and considerate of others without loss of self dignity. For instance, someone offers a opinion you personally disagree with, but rather than feeling violated by the fact that their opinion is different from yours, you acknowledge the person's right to their own perspective and behave in a manner that retains respect for everyone in that social situation, including yourself. You may voice your own opinion diplomatically in contrast or stay silent if protocol deems it necessary, but you stay true to your core. This is the foundation of professionalism for me. Being respectful and adhering to social protocols but also commanding certainty and presence in who you are.

Being a brown noser, by contrast, is wanting to be liked at any cost and losing self in the desire to appear agreeable to everyone. If someone voices an opinion, you automatically agree with it--- and if someone else voices a different opinion, you agree with that too. It's people pleasing at the expense of your own personhood. Having no sense of self other than what people need you to be because your desire for the job/relationship/whatever has become your entire identity. *That* is someone who is an ass-kisser (or more politely, someone who is just 'too nice') and it comes across as not only weak, but insincere. No wonder people don't trust that behavior. It's no longer about the other person or even your mutual relationship. It's about what you need from the other person (validation/promotion/likeability, etc).

The difference between the two is not always apparent-- especially to those with more belligerent personalities-- but although subtle, it is very important.
 
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rawr said:
Agreed. But being polite is not always professional either. For instance at times in my job I am very curt and direct, I don't be nice and polite, it's a waste. I don't have time for that, and It can come back to bite you in some areas. I don't have time for that on the job.

Personal life might be a different story for some
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Depends on your position and type of job, because in many jobs or professions today, doesn't matter that you have tell someone no or be direct. It's still expected that you should be nice or polite about it.

Also, I think judging people for being polite runs the risk of putting someone down for doing their job well or denying them the right to some dignity. Many people are not in positions of power, authority, or privilege. Being polite is their way of dealing with having to face uncomfortable, difficult, and demeaning social situations. Agree with @James - it's another way of showing grace under pressure. Yes, sometimes, politeness can be overdone or forced, which can be uncomfortable. However, if we're focusing only on perception rather than intention, it's easy to misconstrue what it means.

Almost every industry or job today is expected to use a customer service approach or ethic to interacting with people including coworkers and bosses. So, being polite and agreeable is often about job expectations and survival. It's often the case, where personal feelings don't matter and you're not paid to give your opinion, but do what is asked. Someone can see being polite as sucking up, but it may be what's necessary to keep the job and be considered a good worker. Showing dislike or disagreement or being too reluctant to go along with suggestions is often seen as not being a team player. So, many people don't have a choice. Voicing different opinions or views than what's popular or commonly accepted often gets people fired.
 
In my line of work I'm at the bottom of the authority level, even if I get paid more than others I still have to do what they ask and with a smile on my face. Working as service type person since the age of 15 I may have a more agreeable attitude than some or maybe even most people. I always think "We can do this! Let's play nice and make it to Friday!"
 
Aluni said:
In my line of work I'm at the bottom of the authority level, even if I get paid more than others I still have to do what they ask and with a smile on my face. Working as service type person since the age of 15 I may have a more agreeable attitude than some or maybe even most people. I always think "We can do this! Let's play nice and make it to Friday!"
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I think it's never more telling how some people treat or mistreat their (so called) subordinates. To me two "triggers" seem to be when people are in cars or over the phone. Both seem to sometimes unleash some appalling behavior and language.

The number of times I've taken calls over from staff where customers were rude and swearing. Incredible to me. Often over relatively trivial things. I think @sassafras is right about being falsely or overly polite, but I think you can express even vehement disagreement with civility.

I guess our background and culture makes a difference. My parents were older and to them it was very important, so that was how they raised their children. I think maybe in Britain as we live more closely, it's seen as very important. Even more so in countries like Japan etc where they might seem to follow a rigid code, but it's probably essential in such a densely populated country.
 
Absolutely yes. When I first meet and have to work with other highly intuitive individuals... It's like they know that I'm in work mode. I'm not a relaxed version of me. It's little like plastic. All about the external and their needs. In these moments, I become more like my father. Much more accommodating. Willing to serve and sacrifice. So intuitives generally want to know if I'm like this all the time... The answer... Nope. #flawed
 
Aluni said:
Is being polite seen as being fake in a social or work interaction? I overhear ridicule when I see people being polite at work (brown nose, fake... etc) I see it as professionalism and good customer service. How do you see it?
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It can be, but not always.

Politeness can be many, many things;
a weapon (you can drive people nuts with this),
a barrier (to prevent others from seeing the real you)
a tool (one of them is what you would call 'brown nosing')
a virtue (the idea that you treat people with respect and kindness regardless of who they are),
as well as a vice (lacking backbone)

I guess it depends on which situation do you react with politeness.

Being curt and polite when you are dealing with a tough customer =/= being curt and polite in front of your boss =/= being curt and polite when you're being trashtalked.

And to whom.

If you are polite with your boss but not your co-worker or the waiter; you will be seen differently than if it's otherwise.

And there's also context. Who you are beyond the mask you wear will tell others whether you are being fake or not.
 
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