Being told how you feel or think.

CorLeonis

CorLeonis

Community Member
MBTI
INFJ
Enneagram
Tie... 2 and 8 (?!)
This happens to me... far more than I could ever like to think about.




There is nothing more maddening, to me, than being told,

"Oh, you don't really think that."
"Oh, no, you can't really want to do that."
"Oh, you don't like that."

Etc.




Does this happen to you?

How do you deal with it, on an interpersonal level?

And, most importantly, how do you deal with it within yourself? I feel like my soul's been drained when this happens to me, and it drives me crazy. This has been happening so much to me as of late (mostly from one person... but that's besides the point) that I am just shut down. I see no point in talking when people already, "know everything that I'm thinking and feeling".
 
I know the feeling. The good thing is sometimes you gain power by not talking. It makes people come to you.
 
It makes sense that you'd feel crappy about it. It's a crappy thing to do--assume ownership of someone else's thoughts and feelings etc..

The purpose of making those statements is to usurp power from the other person.
Which, obviously happens to you because you feel drained after these encounters.
It's actually a form of mental or emotional abuse.

The only way to deal with it is to stand up for yourself and tell the other person to stop assuming they know what you think, feel, etc.
You just can't let people do it to you. Recognize it, and tell them to stop. Don't stop talking like the other poster said. That's just more ridiculous games.
Do you really want to spend your time bouncing from manipulating others to being manipulated?

Just be honest. Tell this person to knock it off. Don't let them get away with it.
 
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I've had this done to me before. Just do the same thing back and see how much it pisses them off.
 
Ridiculous games, not in my opinion. What I've found is that just telling the person to stop it doesn't work. Abusive people are persistent and simply switch to another abusive tactic so you are in constant conflict. Your thoughts and feelings are precious. You get to decide with whom you share them. That is power. By being silent you turn the tables. Without words you demand respect. No words, no argument. You simply decide what you will tolerate and ACT accordingly. That in no way can be construed as manipulation.
 
AlienSpectator said:
Ridiculous games, not in my opinion. What I've found is that just telling the person to stop it doesn't work. Abusive people are persistent and simply switch to another abusive tactic so you are in constant conflict. Your thoughts and feelings are precious. You get to decide with whom you share them. That is power. By being silent you turn the tables. Without words you demand respect. No words, no argument. You simply decide what you will tolerate and ACT accordingly. That in no way can be construed as manipulation.
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Still sounds like bad advice. Sounds like a BIG waste of time. There's nothing empowering in that at all, it's not standing up for yourself--it's merely being passive aggressive and perpetuating a dysfunctional relationship.

You don't need to play the game with an abusive person. Playing the game is just a trap. It keeps those involved stuck in an unhappy cycle.
Are you happy playing the silent treatment game? Is that a rewarding friendship/relationship for you? Why bother to continue a relationship on those terms?

OP: Don't let anyone walk all over you. You don't need to turn it into a fight, I'm sure you can figure out a way to firmly assert yourself without a fight.
People should respect you, and that's really all there is to it.
 
This is an actual problem? If someone said that to me, I would say something like "uhh, yeah I do feel that way, don't tell me how I feel dickface." OP you give people the power to affect your emotions, dont.
 
Thank you for the responses, and basically I am stuck right between you two, acd and Alien. Hah.

The problem, acd, is that any words I give are turned into a game.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.


Neither tactic works. I've tried both. Heh. I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with the drain (that yes, I do believe is a power play).
 
One thing that infuriates me is when people respond to propositions with the "Are you serious?" question in an either derisive or "you can't really mean that" tone of voice. It's a fallacy based on trying to dismiss the point without any argument or consideration whatsoever and is an attack on discussion itself!

The proper way to respond? Well, you aren't going to get anywhere trying to use rationality with someone like that (assuming they're trying to dismiss your argument and not honestly asking if your point is serious or if yous trollin'). They'll just keep using those cheap tricks - so I say use blatant fallacies back at them! Preferably of the ad hominum variety, containing profanity and clever insults.

And no "Are you serious?" responses to this - I'll know what you're doing. ;)
 
Billy said:
This is an actual problem? If someone said that to me, I would say something like "uhh, yeah I do feel that way, don't tell me how I feel dickface." OP you give people the power to affect your emotions, dont.
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As you tell me not to..... ah, nevermind. hahahaaa

Yes, people have the power to effect my emotions, I don't, and don't want to, live in a vacuum.


Know what I mean?

I don't want to change who I am... I do want to find a way to deal with others beyond "don't let it get to ya, kiddo."
 
DrShephard said:
One thing that infuriates me is when people respond to propositions with the "Are you serious?" question in an either derisive or "you can't really mean that" tone of voice. It's a fallacy based on trying to dismiss the point without any argument or consideration whatsoever and is an attack on discussion itself!

The proper way to respond? Well, you aren't going to get anywhere trying to use rationality with someone like that (assuming they're trying to dismiss your argument and not honestly asking if your point is serious or if yous trollin'). They'll just keep using those cheap tricks - so I say use blatant fallacies back at them! Preferably of the ad hominum variety, containing profanity and clever insults.

And no "Are you serious?" responses to this - I'll know what you're doing. ;)
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Hahaaa. That made me laugh.
 
CorLeonis said:
As you tell me not to..... ah, nevermind. hahahaaa

Yes, people have the power to effect my emotions, I don't, and don't want to, live in a vacuum.


Know what I mean?

I don't want to change who I am... I do want to find a way to deal with others beyond "don't let it get to ya, kiddo."
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I told you how, put them in their place if you cant ignore them.
 
Billy said:
I told you how, put them in their place if you cant ignore them.
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Yeah, I gotcha on the "don't let them" part. Sorry, I meant to add that into my response.

Thank you. haha
 
acd said:
Still sounds like bad advice. Sounds like a BIG waste of time. There's nothing empowering in that at all, it's not standing up for yourself--it's merely being passive aggressive and perpetuating a dysfunctional relationship.

You don't need to play the game with an abusive person. Playing the game is just a trap. It keeps you stuck in an unhappy cycle. Are you happy playing the silent treatment game? Is that a rewarding friendship/relationship for you? Why bother to continue a relationship on those terms?

OP: Don't let anyone walk all over you. You don't need to turn it into a fight, I'm sure you can figure out a way to firmly assert yourself without a fight.
People should respect you, and that's really all there is to it.
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It does not keep you stuck in an unhappy cycle. It is empowering. Firstly, during interpersonal interaction, ideally we share power, give and take. I express my ideas and feelings, you yours and we respectfully discuss them. In the sort of interaction described by Corleonis, the other person is deliberately not showing respect by belittling feelings and ideas. Simply telling the person "respect me" is not going to change the behaviour of such an unreasonable person. They didn't respect you in the first place they aren't going to start simply because you say so. Action however speaks louder than words.

I'm not proposing that Corleonis be silent to punish the other person while Corleonis sulks in a corner. That is indeed manipulative. What I'm proposing is that Corleonis takes responsibility for his feelings and ideas. He owns them and just like any other property he can decide with whom to share them. Just the simple act of acknowledging this ownership to himself should make him realize how ridiculous it is to share these things with someone who does not value them. I do not share my house keys with a thief for example. Silence sometimes makes the other person come to you when they are forced to acknowledge that they are not in a position of power but a position of privilege. Sometimes, silence doesn't work at which point the abuser moves on to another victim or changes tactics. If they change tactics you are free to distance yourself from them if possible. ACTION once again not talk. Speaking only works when people have mutual respect.
 
CorLeonis said:
This happens to me... far more than I could ever like to think about.




There is nothing more maddening, to me, than being told,

"Oh, you don't really think that."
"Oh, no, you can't really want to do that."
"Oh, you don't like that."

Etc.




Does this happen to you?

How do you deal with it, on an interpersonal level?

And, most importantly, how do you deal with it within yourself? I feel like my soul's been drained when this happens to me, and it drives me crazy. This has been happening so much to me as of late (mostly from one person... but that's besides the point) that I am just shut down. I see no point in talking when people already, "know everything that I'm thinking and feeling".
Click to expand...

I have found an interesting way to deal with this. Try asking whomever it is who is telling you these things, to share their reasons why they believe this for you. It's a way to make them think about why they say it, and can open up discussion for mutual learning. It has helped me direct a few people in my life, to truly seeing exactly what they are doing, and how they are minding MY business, rather than their own.
 
Ria said:
I have found an interesting way to deal with this. Try asking whomever it is who is telling you these things, to share their reasons why they believe this for you. It's a way to make them think about why they say it, and can open up discussion for mutual learning. It has helped me direct a few people in my life, to truly seeing exactly what they are doing, and how they are minding MY business, rather than their own.
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That's a really interesting suggestion... and something I have not tried before. It also might be a little easier in the moment to do that rather than (what I think would feel like for me) attacking the other person right back.
 
CorLeonis said:
Thank you, that was lovely.

And I do need to start doing that more... calling people on it immediately. Not one of my strong points.
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You
 
I've had this issue occasionally, and I would react defensively. I was tempted to say, "what is so wrong with the way i think?" only to realize, just like the OP, that it didn't make any difference. They found a way around it. So, i decided to use silence, although many assume silence means consent of their views, it doesn't. So you can let them feel or think they are right, nod "uh-huh" but know within your spirit that they don't have a clue, and that is freeing.
 
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