Being told how you feel or think.

[Solongo]

I don't want to get married or have kids and I always have people telling me "Oh, you'll change your mind one day" or "Oh, you just haven't met the right guy yet, just wait." So I know the feeling.

It sucks because now I have a boyfriend and I feel like everyone's smiling smugly and thinking, "See? What did I tell you." But as I've tried to explain countless times, it's not an issue of finding the right person. I've found the right person and I still don't really want to get married. When they invalidate me like that, it just makes me more stubborn about not wanting to marry, which hurts my relationship because I'm trying to get over my bias against marriage for his sake. Uuuugh. Vicious cycle. People do more damage than good when they give smug "advice."

I stopped feeling bad when people give me such advices. Because internally it is always an advice they wish they gave themselves. Hence; i usually take a closer look at the persons life and see if their merit is worth listening to.

 

[Jill Hives]

I agree, I hate that "you will see" sort of smug response. Who are these people to tell us what we will or won't want or think?

 

[Free Mind]

My way of dealing with it is asking questions back. If you do think you're right, just start a friendly discussion and try to get to the root of their thinking, I would easily admit I was wrong if need be, but if I don't feel I am, I would continue questioning them and myself until the issue is resolved. It's not to see who wins and who loses, it's a chance to gain more wisdom and experience. Getting irritated and annoyed at it won't exactly help you, just keep a calm collected attitude, makes it much easier overall. Be mindful would be the correct phrase I guess.

 

[Trifoilum]

After reading it all....I have to be honest that aside from the truth it surely contains, I feel quite conflicted by the article and its....overtones. It feels............wangsty. With so much don'ts abound......I mean, I understand if the speaker's perspective aren't addressed, or if done dismissively, but otherwise.... so people are supposed to look only from the speaker's perspective?

I personally think reality checks and wake up calls are good, as hurt as it tend to be.

But then again, it is true that my method (and all its beliefs hanging under) is clashing with the article, in this aspect. So consider it a personal sentiment here :|

As per OP's question;

Does this happen to you?

How do you deal with it, on an interpersonal level?

And, most importantly, how do you deal with it within yourself?

Quite often; both the receiver and the oppressor.

I usually (try to) acknowledge their perspective. ('Yeah, I can see why they thought like that'.) as well as holding both perspective separate ('but I suppose that's the way it is.'). Quite often I ended up seeing the other perspective and getting an eureka moment. "AH, so that's what happened." The pain often changed into a sense of...hope. "Ah, yeah, so I can make it better."

As a friend once said, there's a difference between emotional manipulation by others and others knowing what works best. And that instead of spending more emotional energy for wallowing in self-pity (or turning the pain into self-pity), it's better to do something about it.

My biggest problem is taking away the pain of invalidation itself? Yeah, it hurts like hell, but then again, I learned a little to differ between a dismissal out of ignorance and/or carelessness, and a dismissal out of '...oi, you're too much.' (which probably has a grain of truth there)

 

[slant]

Where is the evidence?

Jk.

 

[CorLeonis]

Thank you, all, for the responses. I'm mulling over many of your responses, and the many different viewpoints help me out.

I'm responding to things that I feel I have something to respond with... so pwease don't be offended if I don't answer you specifically. I'm reading and processing all of the responses. <3

 

[CorLeonis]

You think what you think. You feel what you feel. What difference does it make what people say? They're either right or wrong but that's irrelevant to your thoughts or feelings, which are what they are. How does what people say change things?

Generally, it makes no difference. Strangers can say things that are invalidating, doesn't mean anything to me.

But when people who you are close with (and care about deeply) do these things, yes. It does make a difference, to me.

"Well then don't care about that person!" is really not an option. I've stopped trying to deny or change how I feel... and just trying to learn how to be healthy, while still being myself. It's not an easy balance for me to find.

 

[CorLeonis]

I also think that it depends on the context and you have to question if your impression is true or not. Sometimes relationships develop that have unequal power distribution and that becomes unhealthy. People get entrenched in the roles they play when things are less than ideal. I see some people who allow themselves to get "walked on" (emotionally) develop sensitivities. I am not validating that it okay for someone to tell you how you feel. What I am saying is that sometimes you become "vigilant" about seeing such behavior as well. Like anything, I think it is important to start with yourself first rather than project all your negative feelings on the other person like you didn't have a part in the process.

Both very good points.

As per the second... in this situation, I can honestly say that now (this has been going on for a long time, this specific situation...) I have done everything that I can to be honest and, at any given moment, say how I feel, and why. And I am sure that my actions show that what I'm saying is true. (I'm sorry about the generalities. Me typing a long, drawn-out saga will not help, I don't think. haha)

I am often caught between wanting to say how I feel, and being careful about telling someone how they HAVE to act, or who they have to be. If there is one thing I never want to do, it's that.

So... I state what I feel, or what I think.
The person invalidates.
I adjust accordingly, and then the person gets pissed off that I adjusted. (Whether that adjustment is "fine, then I'll tell you exactly why I think that..." or keeping my thoughts to myself, because they're just going to be invalidated once again).

It just drives me batty that someone that continually talks about other people not respecting them, other people not caring about other people, other people not caring enough about inequality in race or sex..... and then turns around and does the most damaging things to those close to them.



Rawr. Now I'm just ranting. I'll stop. haha

 

[CorLeonis]

I came from a culture and society that pretty much did this. For the first 12 years of my life; i had to conform to a communist state as well as asian family cultures of doing what is already defined as proper and acceptable. But because of my emotional intuition I had a hard time becoming a blind sheep like many of my friends had. I always saw the silver lining behind what was being said and saw right through the situation. But of course being young and female; you cannot be openly expressive or question anything. This resulted in a lot of repressed understanding of life and the polarity that exists in every situation. Finally in the US i was able to break open and have free expression and choose to represent myself however i desired. Although the transition was quite difficult. Social conditioning and brain washing really do work and the younger it starts the more it become inherent part of our reality.

Dealing with someone who maybe trying to exert control over your expression and behavior is tricky. It is based on pretty much how you handle conflict and assertion under stress. Also depends on your relationship with the person trying to control you. Some people just take the domination for a while hoping it will go away. While others become extremely defensive and lash out. Either way; you have to protect your boundaries. This will entail you to first define what your boundaries are and stick to them. If you don't have understanding of what you will deal with and what you won't; others will decide that for you. It never hurts to learn to be assertive to maintain your stance. People will respect you for it.

Thank you for this. I do not deal well with conflict in my close relationships, and rarely set my own boundaries before something negative happens.

The problem is (in this specific instance) that when I have set boundaries, and stuck to them, it made the entire situation worse.

I feel very stuck.

 

[TigersGoRAWR]

I've had this for as long as I can remember.... but I didn't really notice it till recent. People always say to me "Oh.... you need to do that" or... "Oh, you don't think like that!"
or... "Oh, Im sure thats not how you feel!". When... they have absolutely no clue xD

It some circumstances, I will agree with them, as they are sometimes correct. But when they are wrong and constantly repeat it over and over again... I can sometimes feel anger build up inside, but I calm myself down before I say anything and then just tell them that they are wrong. ^^

 

[CorLeonis]

I've had this for as long as I can remember.... but I didn't really notice it till recent. People always say to me "Oh.... you need to do that" or... "Oh, you don't think like that!"
or... "Oh, Im sure thats not how you feel!". When... they have absolutely no clue xD

It some circumstances, I will agree with them, as they are sometimes correct. But when they are wrong and constantly repeat it over and over again... I can sometimes feel anger build up inside, but I calm myself down before I say anything and then just tell them that they are wrong. ^^

Completely off topic.... but I love that quote in your signature.

 

[uuu]

He was wrong, unless you're unfortunate enough to only have one eye. Ghandi should have said, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world lose their depth perception thereby crippling one of mankind's evolutionary advantages as a species."

Well, it makes it a lot harder to punch people if you lose your depth perception.

 

[randomsomeone]

depth perception.

Ah, what a wonderful term! Mind if I borrow it for a slightly different application??

I generally think three or four things at the same time about any one item....they all are juxtaposed, co-mingled, and gradiated within my poor decrepid noggin. So 1) no one ever really knows exactly what I am really thinking or feeling (nevermind articulating the same) and 2) if they were to correct me I might easily agree, given that they are picking up on one of the many facet that I am holding simultaneously. I find it easy to keep a sense of humor about the whole thing....there are so many fragments of thoughts, experiences, hunches, and intuitions floating around inside it even gives me a chuckle sometimes.