Can you truly love someone you don't trust?

[acd]

Or you could call it hope.

Neither of which, mind you, are very rational. But I would think that there are situations wherein second chances are possible... If you love someone, you would like them to show their very best, and give them the opportunity to demonstrate that they can learn and grow from their mistakes. And you would be ready to forgive them. I wouldn't be so quick to wave that off as a non-genuine feeling.

But again, I think it entirely depends on the situation. Such as how many times this person has betrayed one's trust, or how deep of a line they've cut into the relationship with their actions. It also depends on the depth of one's feelings, and the nature of their relationship.

Would you stop loving your child just because you don't know where he goes on Saturday nights, and you're not entirely sure he's going to keep to his promise not to shoot up heroin? That's a big betrayal of trust. Does that mean you stop loving them? That there's not hope that he can turn the tide, and that you're relationship can be whole again? I think trust is VERY important, but its not always a conditional factor when it comes to love.

I'm talking about romantic love, built on mutuality or partnership. I'm a cynic, and not a romantic. Hanging onto hope for someone who has betrayed you only enables them to betray you more.

 

[Creon]

Yes. There's something in the idea that we can never really trust anybody, and this can be a stumbling block and a cause of considerable emotional turmoil, however, I believe that if we accept the idea that people as a whole are untrustworthy, we can work on loving them anyway, without placing a burden of infallibility on them, or setting ourselves up for later disillusionment. I'm not saying it's easy.

My thoughts exactly.

Of course you don't have to trust someone to love them. They're human. Humans are by nature weak. Unless you accept that fact and their weakness, then you don't really love someone, you just want them to support you. Setting trust as a factor of love is quite selfish the way I see it.

Plus trust is a subjective idea. Some people feel betrayed for nothing.

 

[Gaze]

Of course you don't have to trust someone to love them. They're human. Humans are by nature weak. Unless you accept that fact and their weakness, then you don't really love someone, you just want them to support you. Setting trust as a factor of love is quite selfish the way I see it.

Plus trust is a subjective idea. Some people feel betrayed for nothing.

Wise words. Quite true.

 

[alcyone]

A big thank you to everyone participating in this thread.

All of the sentiments and opinions offered here are things I have needed to hear.

 

[IndigoSensor]

Having never been in fully in love with someone, I can't really answer this completely.

Nevertheless, I think that I could love someone that I don't completely trust. What I have noticed within myself, is that I really don't have very much control over my emotions at all (I often wonder if I have any). I "fall" for people easily if they just give me an inch. As such I become very idealistic about them and put a ton of emotional investment in it, even if I consciously don't notice that I do.

Now, if I didn't fully trust someone, I could still likely fully love them. The thing is my mind would be telling me the whole time "you shouldn't love him you idiot! stop!", but those thougts would likely be of little effect. Depending on how deep the distrust goes, I would likely start to feel very stressed out, and that could lead to me falling out of love later down the line.

 

[sassafras]

My thoughts exactly.

Of course you don't have to trust someone to love them. They're human. Humans are by nature weak. Unless you accept that fact and their weakness, then you don't really love someone, you just want them to support you. Setting trust as a factor of love is quite selfish the way I see it.

Plus trust is a subjective idea. Some people feel betrayed for nothing.

I'm inclined to agree, actually.

Still, I think that it goes without saying that love needs to be tempered by reason, and self-respect. If your own well-being is jeapordized because of the way you continue to demonstrate your love towards the person, it is important to step back and re-assess the situation.

The fine art of balancing the heart and the mind.

 

[Puck]

If your own well-being is jeapordized because of the way you continue to demonstrate your love towards the person, it is important to step back and re-assess the situation.

I believe that when you give out love, the action of loving will never cause you harm. It is only when you stop loving and start regretting the love you have given that you begin to hurt yourself. Also I don't place a limit on the human capacity for love. There is to my way of feeling, no way to run out of love. You only stop loving, when you stop loving and start projecting negative emotions (fear/hatred/ regreat etc) instead. If you take a step back from your feelings of love, they cease to flow, and you sink. Does every person deserve love? - well, some people are difficult, sure, if we focus on their weaknesses and the characteristics that cause us to feel that our love is wasted - but as soon as we feel that we are wasting our love, it becomes finite - a limited resource, that we want to hoard for the deserving few, and then we start to pick and choose the kind of people that deserve our love, and those who we will withold our love from. Love becomes a commodity, and so ceases to be love.

I'm not criticising, by the way. It helps me to work through my inner guidance in writing and your comment resonated with me and how I myself go about things in the wrong way.

 

[the]

Yes. There's something in the idea that we can never really trust anybody, and this can be a stumbling block and a cause of considerable emotional turmoil, however, I believe that if we accept the idea that people as a whole are untrustworthy, we can work on loving them anyway, without placing a burden of infallibility on them, or setting ourselves up for later disillusionment. I'm not saying it's easy. I've had to work through some hurtful betrayals, before I began to see that I had been assisting my own unhappiness by expecting too much. Life can be and is a fairytale, for me at least, but with clarity, compassion and forgiveness, it is possible to have a close and magical relationship that takes into account that happy endings can mean different things to different people.

I agree.

 

[sassafras]

Hmm. I think you misunderstood what I was getting at here.

I believe that when you give out love, the action of loving will never cause you harm. It is only when you stop loving and start regretting the love you have given that you begin to hurt yourself. Also I don't place a limit on the human capacity for love. There is to my way of feeling, no way to run out of love. You only stop loving, when you stop loving and start projecting negative emotions (fear/hatred/ regreat etc) instead. If you take a step back from your feelings of love, they cease to flow, and you sink. Does every person deserve love? - well, some people are difficult, sure, if we focus on their weaknesses and the characteristics that cause us to feel that our love is wasted - but as soon as we feel that we are wasting our love, it becomes finite - a limited resource, that we want to hoard for the deserving few, and then we start to pick and choose the kind of people that deserve our love, and those who we will withold our love from. Love becomes a commodity, and so ceases to be love.

I'm not criticising, by the way. It helps me to work through my inner guidance in writing and your comment resonated with me and how I myself go about things in the wrong way.

Well, that's not necessarily true. You can love and continue loving an abusive spouse, but it's not all guaranteed that the act of loving will not cause you any harm. If all you receive in return is mental, emotional or even physical anguish, eventually you need to realize that love alone isn't going to save you or this person. If your love is causing you more harm than good, you need to step back and re-think that strategy.

That's why I'm of the mindset that there needs to be a fine balance. Neither extreme--romanticism or cynicism-- is healthy. Each has their drawbacks. Love is a powerful emotion, and yes, it is great when it is shared and shared in return, but it needs to be regulated with a bit of reason.

So in that respect, yeah, I would say that love does need to recognize its limits; there is, after all, such a thing as too much of a good thing.

 

[Shai Gar]

Or you could call it hope.

Hope is a form of denial.

 

[midnightmelody]

Honestly, people will call anything love these days...

No, sorry that was cynicism. To answer that, no, I do not believe their can be love without trust. Maybe some infatuation or attraction, but not love persay.

 

[Complicated]

No, not at all. I couldn't even love someone without trusting them first. Trust is more important than love for me, I think; if I trust you, then I can love you. If I can't trust you, then you'll never know me 100%...which means you'll never have me.

Amen.

 

[Faye]

Yes, you can love someone without trusting them. Trust is a condition dependent upon security and self-concern, which is very important. Love doesn't depend on self-concern and security unless you make it such. I wouldn't stop loving a family member if they went insane or did drugs or something and were trying to hurt me, but I would be very concerned and probably terrified.

I guess I'm equating love with compassion, which I have a ton of. I have never in my life experienced romantic love, so I'm still waiting for that.

 

[Johnson1]

Can INFJs trust anyone to love them?

For some of you, love is dependent on trust. I know, as an INFJ, we are suspicious of all affection and find normal and nice people untrustworthy and clingy. So, if you cannot trust, does that mean you cannot fall in love?

 

[Orion]

I've never felt like I could control who I fell in love with and I have, to someone who I couldn't really trust at that stage... So yeah, I guess it's possible but I don't suppose it's a good idea.

 

[Johnson1]

I don't mean trust should not come

I don't mean trust should not come. I just think since we don't trust well by nature, it is OK to fall in love and open up some, then see if trust develops. I am saying if we INTJs who do require trust first also are the typical INTJs who cannot trust by nature, then we could be cutting off love with our undo suspicions of others.

 

[Orion]

I don't mean trust should not come. I just think since we don't trust well by nature, it is OK to fall in love and open up some, then see if trust develops. I am saying if we INTJs who do require trust first also are the typical INTJs who cannot trust by nature, then we could be cutting off love with our undo suspicions of others.

I agree that we don't trust easily, it's very true. But it's interesting that one should love someone who they don't trust, when they don't trust very easily... in general?

 

[daydreamer]

It depends on what. If you can't trust them to not cheat on you, then not it's not love. But if it's something minor like taking out the trash, then yes.

 

[Gaze]

I don't mean trust should not come. I just think since we don't trust well by nature, it is OK to fall in love and open up some, then see if trust develops. I am saying if we INTJs who do require trust first also are the typical INTJs who cannot trust by nature, then we could be cutting off love with our undo suspicions of others.

I agree. Loving someone usually involves a risk (which can't be avoided). Even if someone has trust issues, they may still decide to go for it and see what comes.

 

[Zero Angel]

If love is indeed accepting anothers joy and pain as your own. Then trust is not a requisite of love, especially if said love that is unconditional.

Think of a child of yours. You may not trust him or her to make the right decisions all the time (walking alone at night, or perhaps having a boyfriend) but this does not mean that you may not sacrifice part of your own happiness willingly, and therefore gain that happiness back knowing that they are not in pain.