Cheering People Up

Trifoilum

Trifoilum

find wisdom, build hope.
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<minorwhine>
I am often stuck on cheering people up because often it went to, "wait, is this appropriate? Am I invalidating? Am I glossing over their feelings? Their thoughts? Am I secretly saying 'you don't know much, so shut up'? Will my words be read as that?"

Not mentioning some people don't want to be cheered up (in which case, very often my actions will make worse result).

I listen, I try to help when appropriate, but at times like these I felt like I should learn a new skill...
</minorwhine>

So, dear INFJ forum users,
how do you cheer people up? How do you face someone else's problem?
 
I find just listening and being supportive often helps put people at ease and feel a bit better about a situation. Other than just being an ear and truly caring about what they have to express there's not really much else I can do. But I enjoy being there for my friends when they need me.
 
I don't know how to cheer people up. However, I imagine it's a valuable skill if you have it. Cheerful people are better able to face their problems, think rationally and be receptive to alternatives so, it makes sense to cheer a person up before tackling their issues.
 
Resolution through validation
(read: here's what you need to do...)
 
kiu said:
I don't know how to cheer people up. However, I imagine it's a valuable skill if you have it. Cheerful people are better able to face their problems, think rationally and be receptive to alternatives so, it makes sense to cheer a person up before tackling their issues.
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Yes, I agreed to this.

Sometimes not cheering them (meh, even cheering them too) feels like rubbing salt to their wounds. Which might be for their good sake, but......
 
I don't face their problem, I try to offer them support to face their own problems.
I toss in a joke when I feel it's appropriate to make the situation seem less overwhelming to them.

I have a friend whose mother is very ill, and she's understandably, very overwhelmed and sad about it. I can't make her mother better, but I can at least encourage her to enjoy life despite her problems, and to find refuge in a few hours of laughter before she has to face the problem again. I usually try to take her out and do something to give her mind a break for a few hours, get her to have some healthy fun. I like taking her out to dinner.

If she wants to talk, I listen and am sympathetic and make sure to always be available to her, even if she calls in the middle of the night or five times a day. You don't have to always be a clown or try to solve someone's problems to give them cheer. Just being there and listening when their grief unfolds is fortifying.

We're not meant to always be laughing and happy.. so sometimes crying with someone is a form of support... I've ended up crying on the phone with my friend as she cries... and afterwards she has said, 'Since this all started happening, I've noticed people backing away because they don't know how to respond or react to me when I'm upset. Like they are afraid to be around me. I appreciate that you've been available and I don't feel lonely or guilty for expressing how I feel to you.'
 
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I don't cheer up people. When friends ask me for advice, I think it's wrong to cheer them up when they have a problem. I think that is a solution that won't sustain for long because you're only fighting the symptoms that way. Instead I dissect the problem with them and by making them see the intricacies of their problem, they get a sense of control for their problem and so they become calm.
 
I say something totally inappropriate which causes them to laugh and insert gentle teasing remarks into the conversation which typically leads to more indepth conversations about problems in which I give as blunt of advice as I think they can tolerate.
 
Trying to tackle the problem head-on is very difficult and if you fail, it might worsen the situation even more.
I usually don't give much advice, especially because my ideals and values tend to be a little old-fashioned... that makes it sound dishonest to the other person.
What I do is give them a hug and tell them a joke, not necessarily distracting them form the problem (repression doesn't usually solve shit) but relieving them of some of their stress.
 
Perhaps this is a typical ENFP response (but forgive me as I am new to understanding INFJ's xD ...)

But have you tried simply putting yourself in the other person's shoes? Thinking about how it might feel from their POV? Go with your instinct, don't over-think. At the end of the day, just being there to listen to someone is enough :3
 
Kaia said:
Perhaps this is a typical ENFP response (but forgive me as I am new to understanding INFJ's xD ...)

But have you tried simply putting yourself in the other person's shoes? Thinking about how it might feel from their POV? Go with your instinct, don't over-think. At the end of the day, just being there to listen to someone is enough :3
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i think (hope) most of us do that, but i dont want consolation, or sympathy/empathy-- i either want to be left alone, or engage in a brainstorm session for a solution. i do try to see someone elses perspective, but i can only go forth from mine.
 
how do you cheer people up? How do you face someone else's problem?
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If your'e goal in life is to cheer others up, you will be disappointed and frustrated. It is impossible to control another person's feelings, and it's not your responsibility to make them happy or solve their problems.

Pain is part of life, and that's okay. All you can do is be kind to them, empathize, support them, and maybe share your perspective on the situation. If your goal instead is to just be kind and supportive, then you are a already a tremendous success.
 
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