Conversation skills

[gloomy-optimist]

I put more weight on clear communication than conversation. I can deal with someone who doesn't always want to talk or maybe doesn't have the most substance-filled conversation all the time, but if I have to pry their thoughts or feelings out of them, it's probably not going to work. If it feels like they're hiding something, like they're holding back, like they're not being sincere -- that's what kills it.

 

[acd]

Exactly. So I end up saying not a lot, much to my family's annoyance.

I've actually had arguments with ex-boyfriends who found my super-reservedness off-putting.

Apparently, my quietness and aprehensiveness and little to no tolerance for bullshit small talk at frat boy gatherings embarrassed them.

 

[Orion]

I just love the idea of only speaking when it has purpose or meaning. Sure, it pisses people off/alienates me but but that's a good thing in most cases.

 

[acd]

Yeah, I dig the idea too.

I actually get kinda annoyed when people just yammer on about nonsense--just to fill the air with their voice. I get irritated as in, "Does it occur to you that people are thinking around here and I do not care what is on your grocery list for tonight or what Jimmy Kimmel said to Scarlet Johanssen last night!!"

Maybe I'm just miserly with the attention I have to give.

 

[Morgain]

For me, it is not the subject of the conversation or the intellectual level that is important but how well I connect with the other person.

I like deep conversations about my deepest feeling and the mysteries of life and stuff, but I can also enjoy small talk, gossip, fooling around. It is the soul or the energy of the conversation that defines a good conversation. The best conversations for me are the ones in wich me and my partner or on the same wavelength, I know what she is thinking and she knows what is on my mind. We appreciate each others input and opinions. It doesn't matter what we talk about or that we even talk at all. Just being in each others presence is enough.

unfortunately, this doesn't come around very often. Even worse, most of my conversations is with people who doesn't connect at all. They are only interested in telling there own story. They don't pay attention to me, they don't know what I'm feeling or what I want to tell them. They use me as talking pall, a walking diary. There are even people who, when they tell me a story and when I go with there story and give input that relates to there story, just ignore my input and go on with there story as if I hadn't said anything, like I'm just not there. comm'on, I don't understand!! What is the point of telling some'one a story and don't care about some sort of reply. Why don't they just open a blog or wright in there diary and don't bother me!

 

[Lune Froide]

ENFPs: basically, the god of all communicators. ENFPs are great because they have 1000 best friends. Essentially, they are warm and friendly to everyone, and make them feel special. They will tell you a 'secret' to gain your trust, and once you speak about that secret to someone else you realise that everyone within 20 blocks has been told this 'secret' and was told to keep it quiet (which they obviously didn't). The ENFP is the master manipulator, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and sexually. They'll call you up, upset but not crying, complaining about something awful that happened. You'll think that they trust you, and then you turn around and they called 22 other people once you hung up. I mean really. ENFPs are funny and very very often cause problems. They'll purposely create conflict because they get bored. They'll lie to avoid hanging out with you. They will spread gossip and pretend that they didn't know what they were doing. Oh, but they knew. And that's the beauty of an ENFP and their conversations.

HELP!

How does one remove themselves from an 'ENFP's list of BFFs' unscathed? Especially if this particular ENFP is a supervisor at work...
I was too late in recognizing what I had gotten myself into...

I want to avoid the infamous ENFP rage session, also (if possible)

 

[IndigoSensor]

Key to distancing from ENFP's: vocal distance. Remain distance in communication, they eventually go away.

 

[CarrotPoet]

Talking bores the hell out of me most of the time.. So many intricate social rituals when it comes to speaking with acquaintances and people one has just met. It's like a boring slow folk dance I'd rather just walk away from.

I agree with you, it bores me too. But are you sure there are social rituals that you can articulate that people know to follow? Sometimes I wonder if what bores me about talking is that there is not some interesting underlying forms or rules (except for the construction of language itself). It seems to me like everyone does it their own way, and some people get frustrated when they discover that a lot of people don't speak the same way. So I just wondering what you've noticed, because I've tried to discover underlying social rules that govern conversation, but I am empty handed. I'm very interested if you found something different.

 

[Pristinegirl]

Key to distancing from ENFP's: vocal distance. Remain distance in communication, they eventually go away.

Actually is can be hurtful!

HELP!

How does one remove themselves from an 'ENFP's list of BFFs' unscathed? Especially if this particular ENFP is a supervisor at work...
I was too late in recognizing what I had gotten myself into...

I want to avoid the infamous ENFP rage session, also (if possible)

haha it is barely impossible to avoid it! ENFP's have the 'don't ever leave me... because I'll find you ' attitude ^^ However, if it must be done then Indigo's solution is the best way.

 

[Orion]

ENFP's have the 'don't ever leave me... because I'll find you ' attitude ^^

Wow, that was terrifying.

 

[Pristinegirl]

The horrible truth...

 

[slant]

I've found one effective method of backing unwanted ENFPs off ( I say unwanted because there are some ENFPs that could be quite pleasurable to be around for short periods of time) is just how I naturally am. On some days, I will be really chatty and friendly to the ENFP and on the other day I will hardly speak to them, perhaps not utter a word to them at all. This is not on purpose- it's just how my natural state of being is. But a lot of ENFPs are confused by this behavior. I've been told that 'I don't know whether I'm your friend or not, and if it's going to be the same tomorrow. It's hard because we seem to get along one day and then the other day you hate me,'.

This confusion will often lead to the silent kind of ENFP anger- the kind in which, you didn't directly say you disliked them, but they think that you do so they'll keep their mouth shut and just think it out of paranoia. The bad part of this trait is that ENFPs can be hurt feelings even when you didn't deliberately mean to do it because they take cues literally and analyze every social detail until it cannot be analyzed any further.

 

[Pristinegirl]

I've found one effective method of backing unwanted ENFPs off ( I say unwanted because there are some ENFPs that could be quite pleasurable to be around for short periods of time) is just how I naturally am. On some days, I will be really chatty and friendly to the ENFP and on the other day I will hardly speak to them, perhaps not utter a word to them at all. This is not on purpose- it's just how my natural state of being is. But a lot of ENFPs are confused by this behavior. I've been told that 'I don't know whether I'm your friend or not, and if it's going to be the same tomorrow. It's hard because we seem to get along one day and then the other day you hate me,'.

This confusion will often lead to the silent kind of ENFP anger- the kind in which, you didn't directly say you disliked them, but they think that you do so they'll keep their mouth shut and just think it out of paranoia. The bad part of this trait is that ENFPs can be hurt feelings even when you didn't deliberately mean to do it because they take cues literally and analyze every social detail until it cannot be analyzed any further.

This is absolutely correct Slant! Inconsistency and out of the blue changes like that are not appreciated. You might not 'deliberately' have meant to make them think you dislike them, but then again Action speeks louder than words...

 

[Lune Froide]

This is absolutely correct Slant! Inconsistency and out of the blue changes like that are not appreciated. You might not 'deliberately' have meant to make them think you dislike them, but then again Action speeks louder than words...

I have a feeling that I've started to behave a tad inconsistent naturally so this may turn out quite alright. My first tip that she was bad news had been when she started dropping weird lines such as "soandso is jealous I'm hanging out with you..." WHAT? HOW OLD ARE WE?

This female is quite the character... trying to drag me up and down drama lane with buckets of gossip. I've burst out laughing on a few occasions at her melodramatic 'confessions' quite by accident and she appeared hurt, saying lines such as "why are you laughing? I'm sharing something personal..." to which I responded with "What... ? But you don't hear how you said it? Come on. You have to have heard how you said it..." I was also kinda drunk at the time... In retrospect, I definitely feel guilty but I grew up with an ENFP mother so my tolerance for melodramatics is quite low. Especially since I had to fight through my own issues involving them! We all have room to grow, I suppose!

Thanks for the help, guys! I might get outta this one alive... and with a job still hahaha.

 

[Billy]

How important is it to you that your friends or significant other can hold their own in a good conversation?

For me it's eminently important. Without good conversation my interest often dies and we drift apart. I'm not sure why it's so important to me, perhaps it's my need for variety.

What do you think? Which type have you found to be the best conversationalists? Personally I like to talk to INTP's...mostly because they spend so much time researching things that they have lots of interesting concepts to talk about.

Its imperative. I do not associate with people who have niether the depth or intelligence to hold a decent conversation. At least I try not to.

 

[acd]

I agree with you, it bores me too. But are you sure there are social rituals that you can articulate that people know to follow? Sometimes I wonder if what bores me about talking is that there is not some interesting underlying forms or rules (except for the construction of language itself). It seems to me like everyone does it their own way, and some people get frustrated when they discover that a lot of people don't speak the same way. So I just wondering what you've noticed, because I've tried to discover underlying social rules that govern conversation, but I am empty handed. I'm very interested if you found something different.

Well I can only talk about what bores me. I'll elaborate. It just seems that there is a script for most interactions. The script consists of tone of voice, facial expression, pauses before speaking or waiting turn to speak, and then choice of words and topic. Do you know what I mean? Smiling when one doesn't really naturally want to and forcing a chuckle because the volleyed remark warrants it.

The interaction never goes very deep. It's more of an, "I'm acknowledging your presence and you will acknowledge mine, but neither of us are mutually interested in one another."

A cliche example of this I can provide you with would be, say, an old neighbor of mine (whom I never really was close with) and I running into one another at a mall. Neighbor asks, "How are you! What have you been up to?" I have to choose my response accordingly. If I've just recently divorced my husband who turned out to be a child molestor, I might water it down a bit so as not to "burden" my old neighbor with the sordid details in answering her question. Do you know what I mean? People tailor their conversation to be pleasant and minimal and light.

People connect on superficial levels such as having favorite music genres or bands or tv shows in common. I don't ever want to have a conversation about why this band "rocks" and how we're both awesome for liking such and such a band with someone I first meet or am acquainted with.

When I first meet someone, I'd prefer to have an indepth soul spilling conversation about who they are and what is important to them and why and visa versa. I understand that interaction such as that can be just as exhausting for those who find social niceties and delicate conversation comfy.

Maybe I just like to do things backwards. I like small talk and bullshitting with close friends after I already know the ins and outs of their mind.

 

[the]

Well I can only talk about what bores me. I'll elaborate. It just seems that there is a script for most interactions. The script consists of tone of voice, facial expression, pauses before speaking or waiting turn to speak, and then choice of words and topic. Do you know what I mean? Smiling when one doesn't really naturally want to and forcing a chuckle because the volleyed remark warrants it.

The interaction never goes very deep. It's more of an, "I'm acknowledging your presence and you will acknowledge mine, but neither of us are mutually interested in one another."

A cliche example of this I can provide you with would be, say, an old neighbor of mine (whom I never really was close with) and I running into one another at a mall. Neighbor asks, "How are you! What have you been up to?" I have to choose my response accordingly. If I've just recently divorced my husband who turned out to be a child molestor, I might water it down a bit so as not to "burden" my old neighbor with the sordid details in answering her question. Do you know what I mean? People tailor their conversation to be pleasant and minimal and light.

People connect on superficial levels such as having favorite music genres or bands or tv shows in common. I don't ever want to have a conversation about why this band "rocks" and how we're both awesome for liking such and such a band with someone I first meet or am acquainted with.

When I first meet someone, I'd prefer to have an indepth soul spilling conversation about who they are and what is important to them and why and visa versa. I understand that interaction such as that can be just as exhausting for those who find social niceties and delicate conversation comfy.

Maybe I just like to do things backwards. I like small talk and bullshitting with close friends after I already know the ins and outs of their mind.

What a contrarian!

 

[Orion]

Maybe I just like to do things backwards. I like small talk and bullshitting with close friends after I already know the ins and outs of their mind.

Heh, me too. I only liked talking about crap with someone if I know them very well and know that I could have a deep conversation with them if I wanted.

 

[Bored Now]

INTPs: females are a lot more 'silly'. INTP females will usually appear ditsy and stupid, but highly creative. They often have a lot of inside jokes and will start laughing randomly for no reason, and although they are logical they tend to be very lazy and self centered. INTP females are very comical and can make anyone laugh with their twisted, quirky sense of humor, but they're also very blunt like INTP males and will say really pissy things to their friends such as "I actually don't like any of you." People put up for it for some dumb reason.

If this is true, then I am pretty much an INTP. That's exactly how I communicate. People put up with it because I'm also pretty kind when I want to be and on rare occasions I can even be charming . Hmm.

 

[IndigoSensor]

I have thought about it some, and I realised that with friends, family, or at work. I rather enjoy mindless chitter-chatter and small talk then. The thing that drives me to like it is it lets me learn more about people, in direct and indirect ways. It just comes down to the fact that I am very nosy. It makes sense, but I find it rather odd that most infj's have an adversion to small talk.

However, and this is important, if I am not in the right mood. I will not ingage in conversation at all.