Coping with naysayers and close-minded critics.

oceanbreeze said:
How do you cope with people who are vehemently opposed to a perspective you hold, who insist on vocalizing their opposition as well as their opinion of the position you hold?

I'm curious about this in particular with regard to more personal issues such as religion, parenting, personal development, lifestyles, one's personal life, etc.

I suppose it is a matter of developing a thick skin. So, to this end, I guess I'm not interested in hearing from people who've always had a thick skin. Sorry. It's just that answers like "I'm not bothered by it" or "I don't let it bother me" don't seem at all helpful. I'm interested in discussing the processes that allow us to transcend being bothered by someone else's lack of tact and disregard for possibility. I've found an approach that has been helpful, and I'm interested to hear about how others encounter these types of situations and how you make peace with them. I think this is an important skill to develop, and one that may be particularly essential for those of us who dislike engaging in conflict or dialogue, particularly with persons who are stubborn about their positions.

@Kgal , @Serenity , @Stormy1 , @niffer , @Black Sheep , @Cedar , @CindyLou , @Sriracha , @Dragon , @jimtaylor , @Neverwhere , @JonMac
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Let's see....

When I was younger and invested in what others thought of my thoughts - I probably withered and cringed inside of me when that occurred. I probably felt fear of not be accepted. I felt wrong.

So I suppose it depended upon whether or not I wanted that person to think and feel as I did. In order to make peace with them I would cave and demur. Most of the time this involved my parents and later my 2nd husband.

There was always this idea in the back of my mind that I didn't count - wasn't worthy anyway - so why should I be contrary?

Now....the more I know...the less I know
....and so I've learned that my perspective is just that: A. Perspective.

I've also come to the conclusion that almost all answers or perspectives have value in a complex system and who am I to know what is right? The more I meditate and see where I cling to my ideas the more I can see others doing it everywhere around me. Some days I feel so weird because if I squint my eyes closed just right I can see Egos being carried around in little round boxes on top of walking legs. When I see those - I then turn my eyes inward and I can see mine.

The single biggest example of what you're talking about - in my life - is the fact I have turned towards a "mystical" path while leaving my ex still planted firmly on the "atheist" path. Lately he's taken to listening to me without rolling his eyes. But I think it's because he's looking for loopholes and weaknesses in my thinking to argue about with me. I don't care what he thinks and when he tries to debate with me he ends up giving up because I won't. There is nothing to base the argument upon when all answers are correct. Right?

Sorry. I just don't get too riled up about much else these days except my own shit I've still yet to resolve. :)

I'm very keen to hear your approach.
 
I haven’t ever really had someone directly oppose me but they have done so with some of the ideas I have. It all depends and my idea and thoughts in regards to handling conflict are still evolving. For a lot of my life, how I have handled it is by finding the quickest route to either change the subject or neutralize the other individual. This might be by saying something along the lines of, “Oh ok, I see what you are saying” and letting the person talk themselves out. Eventually I started seeing that this wasn’t helping because people took it as me agreeing with them which I didn’t.

The last couple of years I have used more of a technique of basically telling the individual that they can’t convince me and I can’t convince them so we might as well change the subject before it ruins both of our days. For the most part this works to calm down tensions but again there is no resolution.

The simple truth is that there will probably never be any resolution with individuals like this. People who adamantly disapprove of something or approve of something for the most part cannot be convinced otherwise. I have one acquaintance that is very much against gay marriage or being homosexual at all. He says it is all a lie and that homosexuals can become straight if they wanted to.

I have told him that I don’t believe that but is it really worth me arguing with him over it? It doesn’t matter how much evidence I provide to the contrary, I will never be able to convince him that it is not all bad and evil. The harder I push the more he will hold tight onto that belief and he will become defensive which will entrench him even more in it.

Now to be honest I have grown up with extreme black and white personalities like this so I have gotten pretty good at essentially manipulating them. I put down their barriers and get them to at least open to the idea that it is not as black and white as they think. I hate doing it because it feels dirty and underhanded but it works. For example my younger brother who is 18 was convinced that all women are “sluts” and that anybody who parties is stupid.

For the last couple of months I have cautiously approached the idea with him and gotten to the root of his feelings. He admitted that he actually does really like girls and because he hates being that vulnerable he puts up the barrier of hating them. I have also gotten him to go out with me to a couple of parties and now he admits they can be fun but they just aren’t his thing. He will still go with me now and again because he likes seeing me drunk but he doesn’t want to drink himself or dance or do things like that and that’s fine. He doesn’t have to but now at least he admits that he can see how others can have fun doing it but he himself does not have fun doing it.

We are still working on the letting down the barrier with girls thing because he has a lot of issues with women. Of his two girlfriends in high school, both slept with other guys and then the issues with our mother. The truth is, most people fear getting ridiculed for being wrong and somehow I neutralize that fear as best I can. I help make them feel like it is ok to be wrong or to make an error in judgment.
 
I don't mind people being critical, especially if they actually know more than I do about a topic and it's obvious... I can learn from those people so there's really no point in coddling my ego. If that's the case, then I'll usually just come out and admit it, and if they make a point I might come back later after I've looked into it a bit more. Everyone wins.

It really bothers me is when someone who is obviously an idiot feels the need to be rude about it and make ridiculous personal attacks. Or when someone is just ignorant and yet acts like they know it all, or just repeats things that they've been told by other uninformed people and haven't bothered to check the facts for themselves.
 
@Kgal and others who've asked/are wondering:

I don't know if I have figured it out entirely; this is what I have surmised thus far.

Some may scoff at this, but: For me, it comes down to the decision to inhabit a state of love (for self and others), a mindset that accepts fallibility (i.e. human imperfection), and a committment to myself (to reside with my own sense of individuality). It is an approach that generates a sense of self-acceptance, a sense of being taken care of and therefore not needing to be right, and a sense of having enough and being provided for and therefore not needing to be attached to others. If I am wrong, that is okay, because I seek a sense of self-love and compassion for myself rather than demand perfection. I strive for clarity and accuracy in what I believe, because I value understanding, but I don't seek it at my own expense or that of others. I choose to take accountability only for my own actions and speech. I strive to create a world for myself that is founded on love, patience, understanding, compassion, purpose, and happiness. By living within this reality, I think others are also affected by it when I interact with them. But I do this for myself, because I realize I am responsible only for myself. I choose to not accept responsibility for anyone else (except guardianship for those in my care, which is currently only my cat); however, I find joy and appreciation in knowing that I might uplift others or touch their lives in positive ways by living within a state of joy and peace (which arises from accepting myself and loving who I happen to be). I want to help and heal the world, but I simultaneously realize that is not my responsibility (or at best, not my responsibility alone), and I also realize that perhaps for those who do wish to heal others, the best way in which we can do so is by showing others how to accept responsibility for themselves, which probably comes by living our own lives in an inspiring manner and touching them with said inspiration/light.

This kind of mindset is a relatively spiritual one for me, and I am trying to make it into being an emotional state more than something that depends on spiritual beliefs, because I'd like to be able to interrogate my beliefs more elaborately without sacrificing my sense of peace and the security that arises from maintaining the states I described above. I also sometimes feel as though this is a "fluffy" mindset devoid of the kind of reality most people inhabit, and I fear that I adopt it as a mechanism for coping with my emotional pain. I worry that I deceive myself with it, but accept it as a survival mechanism and forbid myself from questioning it because it takes away the emotional pains of living in states of judgment, worry, anger, frustration, fear, and insecurity. So I clearly have some tinkering to do, but thus far this is how I have arrived at not casting judgment at naysayers and close-minded critics (yes, not every critic is close-minded, and not every close-minded individual is a critic, some are neither and some are both). I figure everyone has their truth, everyone has their story, and few of us are able to understand and discern the answers. I'm not attached to being right; I don't put so much stock in my intellectual capacities as to need to have things figured out. I think my purpose lies within other aims, and I have moments when I feel that makes me a happy dunce, or a peaceful joker relative to more intelligent persons who can rationalize much more complex thoughts than I am able to, or who are able to rationalize what I simply accept to feel, but all the same I let myself accept myself as I am and cradle myself within an attitude of unconditional self-regard and self-love. The most important aim for me is that I allow myself to expand and express my ideas rather than shun myself or others.

Does that explain it?
 
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UBERROGO said:
People who are truly vehemently opposed to the things I talk about don't really hang out with me. Also my family doesn't get into my business and I am not involved in anything drama-inducing.

I guess what I am saying is that people don't contradict me and if they do I make them feel stupid.
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Is something something aimed for intentionally, or does it happen inadvertently?
 
Another thing to consider is the person who is being over critical: Are they just trying to start a argument, maybe push your buttons? Or are they trying to play devil's advocate to help you see another viewpoint? Really, I see the first one a lot more. People hate being wrong, and even if you are suggesting [not insisting] another answer, solution, viewpoint, they can take that personally as a attack. What I have learned is it is best to say, "I know you may have already considered this, but..." and tell them what your observations are. That seems to soften everything a bit, and they don't feel the need to nitpick.
But, there are people who simply want you to reconsider your observations and genuinely want you to expand on the knowledge you have. They are invaluable to personal growth.

-Anna
 
How do you engage with them without being engaged yourself?
 
My default tends to be that the problem resides within myself rather than an outward projection toward the other person.

It generally becomes apparent if the person in question is more concerned with being right, arguing, being obnoxious (whatever) than with having a meaningful dialogue. If they just want to pontificate, it will depend on my mood whether or not I play around with them or not.

Now, if they seem sincere and whatnot, like I said, I figure the problem I have with what they are saying is with me, not them. I don't want to become too entrenched in my own ideas and beliefs. I am content to know that I don't have all the answers and could be wrong. Until and unless I am willing to listen to others, I will only have my own narrow view of the world. I think that your experiences and engagements enrich and help you re-evaluate, re-define your understanding. I actively search for information and data. So I think when I become upset by someone it is because they are telling me something I don't want to think about--it is touching on something inside me.

However, just because I search for and absorb what other's say, I don't relinquish control over myself and thoughts. I don't think people DO things to me--or MAKE me think a certain way--I accept responsibility for the things inside my spirit. I don't play some passive sort of victim. I can separate out things that affect/change me from the person who gave whatever it is to me--because I consciously make the choice to alter my worldview.

I also think that the problem you describe is probably because of a strong J preference--the idea or desire to believe that one has it all locked up and figured out. That whole desire for an ending and completion. I am decidedly content to meander along on the journey--not looking for an ending but every new beginning.
 
Thanks [MENTION=3096]Stormy1[/MENTION] Most of the time I am Ok. If I lose touch with myself, I am more likely to feel disturbed by others.
 
It's quite simple really, the trick is to take praise and criticism both with a grain of salt and keep walking.
 
oceanbreeze said:
How do you cope with people who are vehemently opposed to a perspective you hold, who insist on vocalizing their opposition as well as their opinion of the position you hold?

I'm curious about this in particular with regard to more personal issues such as religion, parenting, personal development, lifestyles, one's personal life, etc.
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Disagreement is artificial. Reality will force the correct position on people.

Ironically, this is why I disagree, so that I can express opinions and see if they actually work in reality or in a discussion. (We INFPs do this all the time. :tape:) And everything counts: logic, emotions, interpersonal dynamics during the discussion, facts.

My therapist was fond of saying that "vehement disagreement" is just a conviction that the other person's position, lifestyle, or general perspective is actually quite meaningful or correct, more meaningful/correct, or at least has something to add to one's own perspective.
 
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