Dating an ESTP, ADVICE PLEASE!!!

WadeINFJ

WadeINFJ

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MBTI
INFJ
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Type 6 3WD
Hi everyone, its been maybe 6 months since I first signed up here and made some threads which was a time I was sooo infatuated with personality types, that I decided to give it all a break. Recently, 4 months ago now, I split with my INFJ fiancé which i thought was my soul mate, my absolute world. Long story short we fought so much, multiple times weekly and lived in a couple bubble which gave us both social anxiety and prevented us from living up to our maximum potential.

I'm here now, ive started dating from what I'm guessing but will gain exact clarification soon as I don't want to freak the girl out asking her to do the test so soon lol, an ESTP. I consider myself extremely accurate at guessing peoples personality types just from studying the attributes from each type and being very observant. I highly regard knowing peoples personality types before I continue serious friendships/relationships to prevent wasted time and energy for both parties OR when If I want to know why a person and I just click so well. SO... ive been in 2 back to back very long relationships with an ISFP and INFJ. Now I'm dating a very, very attractive, confident, smart, motivated and extremely practical ESTP. Obviously the main concern on my mind is " are we going to work, can we work??? She is the complete opposite to me and I have read mixed things about this pair. However when you search estp best match it comes up isfj. Which means to me that it cant be all that hard.... can it? I'm aware you cant base all relationships on a mbti test. I feel very strongly about it though and want to be prepared so that I can try to make this work. I have already realised how hard it is as she comes across as abit cold, when I speak, things go over her head or she simply gives me no reply. She seems distracted constantly like somethings always on her mind and she usually does not ask me a lot of questions about myself, giving the impression shes not that interested. I do not message her all day every day, I'm playing it cool and she likes this. She messages me daily but definitely does not chase me. She gave me the keys to her house, after a few weeks so it does seem like her signals are all over the place.

She is very outgoing, goes out a lot, is bubbly, an extrovert, initiates conversation with everyone she meets. I feel ive learnt and been inspired by this womans ways in only the two shorts weeks ive known her. I do for the first time feel abit insecure about a woman/her as shes wanted by almost every guy that comes into contact with her and has plenty of guy friends and shes very friendly. She is even okay with me travelling around the world here and there with my friends which is obviously excellent and not like many women at all. It seems she has a very confident, straight forward and practical way of looking at life. This woman gets ready for work in half an hr lol and works massive days at work, gets shit done, attacks life head on and is very strong minded. I find her amazing. I think my biggest problem.... she doesn't give me enough attention, shes not on my level with the idealogical conversations I like to have. I feel like she isn't interested in anything I have to say or offer... I feel maybe ive answered my own questions. Does anyone have a few things I could do to gain complete clarification? Even some things I could ask her that may prove if this could work. My opinion is; a woman must have the same values, sense of humour and outlook and life or the relationship will not work.
 
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I'm sorry to say this, but I think you basically covered it. According to socionics, ESTPs are actually our duals, but even with duals there needs to be that something which makes you be in tune with one another, or so I heard recently.

But sorry, I have to ask: what exactly is the part you need advice on?
 
WadeINFJ said:
. I find her amazing. I think my biggest problem.... she doesn't give me enough attention, shes not on my level with the idealogical conversations I like to have. I feel like she isn't interested in anything I have to say or offer... I feel maybe ive answered my own questions.
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I think any two types can make a relationship work, if they're both genuinely committed to it, and prepared to put the work in. That said, I think it's probably easier for certain types to get along and be compatible.

S types tend to be more practical and N types more "ideas" people. Infj are often pretty highly intuitive and I suspect that might be difficult.

I think maybe more than advice, you need to have this conversation with your partner, even if it's not easy.
 
My experience with ESTPs is they can be very full on until you want commitment from them. Then, they withdraw. But then, they’ll be there. But then, they’ll tell you they’re not there. And then they’ll see way more than what’s there. It can get tiring.

I’ve never dated one though, just lived with a couple of them. I was always surprised by how deep my roommates could get, while still seeming super shallow. They’re great conversationalists and also, people you can rely on.

A lot of women were into my guy roommate. It was interesting because I think each one of them felt like they found *it*. It was just weird because say, if I tell him I’m having people over, he’ll be there for it. If instead, I ask him if he wants to come, he’ll say no. You kind of have to flash something shiny and then let them chase it.

I had a female ESTP roommate as well, and it was different, but still kind of the same. She totally wanted the guy she couldn’t have, and had trouble staying with the one she could, even though she was the one who pursued him. Once, she threw a party and invited something like fifteen guys, all with the intent of impressing one. I was totally impressed because I’d do that never.

It’s funny, I ended up asking both of them to move out. It was exciting, but it also way too much drama. I mean, those two can make anything into drama.
 
What exact questions do you think I should ask her? She did say other partners were very similar to me, I’d say they weren’t strongly opinionated and also of the IS category rather then IN. She’s already aware I think to much. What conversation should I have as I’ve already asked her what she wants out of this... which she replied a best friend, someone to be there for her ect all the usual stuff. I’m finding it hard now because you are suppose to get attention in early stages of seeing someone. Gunna try give her the test tonight lol subtly
 
I have an ESTP friend who is a male. I've known him about a decade now... And it's only in recent years that he has started talking about values and feelings type things with me. I think ESTPs obviously have values and outlooks, etc... But it takes time to get there. NFs are big picture thinkers and our values and outlooks are always at the forefront. We want to make plans and see into the future and emotionally sync with others toward those ends. Whereas ESTPs live in the moment and are fiercely emotionally independent and don't seem to like being tied down to those things. Its not that they won't commit, but you can't force it on them or make demands. I think it might be good to just spend time together and enjoy one another in the moment. See where it goes.

It's only been two weeks! You don't need all the answers right now. Let it all unfold naturally in its own time.
 
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I'd say any activity that is going on in the present and demands your attention keeps you in the present. It is up to you to know what that activity is going to be. I find some computer games rather stimulating when I can't seem to be able to think in a focussed and/or coherent manner.

But this is my problem and not yours. You need to practise not to overthink, I guess this means "shutting off" your head. So I'd be something equally simple (with a finite conclusion) and stimulating. What are your hobbies?
 
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WadeINFJ said:
I’m an INFJ who overthinks daily it’s hard for me to be patient and live in the moment ... how do I try though
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Well if you really like her, maybe look at it as a challenge to work that 'Just be' muscle.

But I've dated people who were wildly different than me, and challenged me to flex those less developed sides of myself that seemed so alien. I think it made me a stronger person in the end even if the relationship didn't last. But mine was with an INTJ.
 
WadeINFJ said:
I’m an INFJ who overthinks daily it’s hard for me to be patient and live in the moment ... how do I try though
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OMG WHAT IF SHE'S AN ENTJ AND YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG AND THE TWO OF YOU WON'T BE COMPATIBLE!!!!!11!!!1!

Chillax. imho @acd is right. It doesn't matter what type she is, if she's the right one for you. And even if you got her type right, what good is it? It's not like you get a key to her heart or a road map to unconditional love when you know her type. If you get a warm tingling feeling in your stomach (or some other archetypal stuff) when you look into her eyes, then you don't need to ask questions, because you already have the answers you need.

But then again, you prolly already know.
 
Hmh..

If you notice that you overthink, go into comparing (her and previous relationships or her and MBTI) or you feel anxiety, start breathing.

And then breathe some more. Repeat. I mean that!

You can take her hand, you know? She is already musing you into new places. You wrote that yourself. So, that is your commitment. Your choice.

Life does not hold too much clearance, but you can always learn to talk to each other and grow together into new understanding. It's the best clearance anyone can get. :)

Best to you and Cheers! <3
 
Impact Character said:
Hmh..

If you notice that you overthink, go into comparing (her and previous relationships or her and MBTI) or you feel anxiety, start breathing.

And then breathe some more. Repeat. I mean that!

You can take her hand, you know? She is already musing you into new places. You wrote that yourself. So, that is your commitment. Your choice.

Life does not hold too much clearance, but you can always learn to talk to each other and grow together into new understanding. It's the best clearance anyone can get. :)

Best to you and Cheers! <3
Click to expand...

It's been two years. I wonder how Wade is doing and if he's still dating the ESTP :p
 
A really cool thing about ESTPs is that what you see is what you get. They don't know how to do that silly mysterious act or whatever. So if you think there's a totally different person hiding under a facade, or a double meaning in their words, you have another thing coming. I'm not sure from your OP that you like what you see enough though.
 
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